Seriously body - enough is enough

So my neck pain from last week has now been explained and the answer sucks.

I was in so much pain yesterday that I didn't sleep all night but a short nap of about 20 minutes since midnight. I drove Aaron to the airport this morning - he is in Texas until Wednesday night, so we were up at about 4:30 am (I was all ready awake). After that, I went to the ER to see what was going on. My doctor's office wouldn't open until 9 am and it was 6 am, so I figured it was the better route.

The ER doctor looked at the shoulder/neck area (where all the pain is) and saw how the area is swollen, he had me get X-rays done to make sure it wasn't anything else. The X-rays showed that I have arthritis in my shoulder/neck which is what was what was causing the swelling and pain.

They put me on pain medicine, anti-inflammatory meds, as well as a muscle relaxer. I am to rest the rest of today, let the meds work and take it easy. I just want to sleep because I am so tired. The meds haven't made me tired yet but I can barely wait to get some sleep.

I hate having to miss school, especially when it's a super last minute thing. I didn't have sub plans set so I wrote them at 2 am and emailed them to my co-workers. Thank goodness they are great people and helped me out or I would have been screwed. There is no way that I could have gone to school today, the pain was out of this world. I am just hoping that I feel well enough to go to work tomorrow, I would really hate to miss another day this week.

If it's not one thing, it's another...

Waiting on a specialist - because this process isn't waiting enough???

Well the specialist my doctor referred me to does take the insurance but they are considered an out-of-network doctor which means I would have to pay for things out of pocket. Can't do that, I am not a millionaire!

I called my insurance company and had them give me a list of specialists that I can go to that are in-network providers and gave it to my doctor. Now just waiting for the appointment to be set up. Of course that means it won't be in the time frame of the original situation, but something is better than nothing I suppose. The doctor they are going to try to get me an appointment for is the head of reproductive endocrinology at a very reputable hospital in St. Louis, so that makes me very happy!

I am nervous/excited to go and see what they have to say. It's kind of scary, but I am glad that things are going to get moving along in the right direction. We just want a child and at this point, after a year of trying without luck...we are just about up for anything!

It's amazing to me how difficult this stuff can be though. I checked to see if there were any specialists who worked in Illinois and the only ones were in Chicago. I guess they figure it's just closer to go out of state when you live in the rest of Illinois. This isn't going to be a short little commute either, it's 40 miles from my house one way to this doctor, but you got to do what you got to do.

A good friend and her husband are starting the IVF (invitro-fertilization) process and they do not live in a state that requires the insurance to cover fertility treatments so they are going to be paying out of pocket for this to work. It's over $5000 for just the procedure, let alone the medications, dr visits, etc. I can't imagine where we would find that kind of money and we would only be able to do it once - so if it didn't work, we would be out of luck. I am really hoping that it doesn't come down to that. Illinois, thankfully, is a state that requires some fertility coverage by health insurance. We would have to take out a 2nd mortgage on our house just to cover these costs!!

Something I have noticed that I wonder about tremendously is the frequency of infertility in women. You know they say 1 in 4 women can have it, in my school building alone there are 5 of us out of 55 total teachers (1/2 being male). It seems like such a large portion of us. So frustrating. Why can't our bodies just work damnit???? This is what they are designed to do and it makes me so mad that it won't just do its job all ready! After 12 months of trying, I should be talking about morning sickness, sleepiness, and back pain. Oh well, we will get there eventually.

Stupid insurance - why can't you just cover it all?

So I have an appointment with a specialist set up. Here's the issue - according to my insurance website, the specialist that I am being referred to doesn't accept my health insurance. I am trying to get in contact with the office to confirm or deny that because I cannot go to a specialist not covered in my health plan.

ARGH! Stupid insurance...

The good, the bad, and the tired

The past week has been all about running around like a crazy person.

I went to help out friends who were purchasing their new house and needed help getting ready to move. We went to help with painting and moving the furniture. Quite a bunch of work!! I am so happy for them that they are in their new place and can start getting settled, it's been such a long road for them and I couldn't be happier!

I talked to the doctor about things last week after the fun events of the previous weeks. She is referring us to a fertility specialist to start the IUI process (interuterine insemination). I am excited/nervous about this new step in the process. It was a little hard right after I talked to her, it took me a little while to process things are moving in a different direction than we had hoped. After I was able to think about things and talk to Aaron, I felt much better about things. He is really supportive and stands by me no matter what, he wants us to do whatever it takes but he knows that the final decision is with me. He doesn't want me to do anything I don't feel comfortable with and would be fine if I said no, I can't do this and we need to look into adoption. He wouldn't care because he would be more concerned with me and my health than anything else.

I am just trying to get afloat right now at work. It has become quite stressful lately and things have been piling up. I am going to have to stay after to get some things sorted out and organized in order to feel back on track. I do not like having things out of order when it comes to my work - so I am going to have to get on it to help!

Outcome of the bad day

Why was it a bad day? I got a super faint positive pregnancy test on Friday morning and by Friday afternoon, it was starting to fall apart. I had what's called a chemical pregnancy.

What is a chemical pregnancy? A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

It's scary and sad.

We are trying to be as positive as we can given the situation right now. This is the first step we have had in the 12 months of trying. However, it does not diminish how I feel about the situation. I am sad...we were "this close" to things working for us finally and right now I have to let myself deal with those emotions.


I am strongly considering taking this cycle off the fertility meds and coming back to it the following month. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and see what they say.

12th month of trying - here I am.

Officially onto the 12th month of trying. It's a really sad day for me and I am going to make sure to have a drink tonight.

I am angry today

This morning I woke up and took a HPT (home pregnancy test), it was a glaring negative. Almost like it was mocking me. "All those symptoms you have felt, they are all make believe!! HAHAHA!!!" (insert sarcastic voice here)

I know people think I need to just keep going on with the process. I wish it was that easy, right now my brain is saying "Why are you continuing to do this to yourself month after month??"

It makes me so frustrated and I just wish there was something that could make me feel better. Unfortunately, all the kind and supportive words from friends/family don't change the way I feel today. I usually only allow myself one day to be upset before I buck up and pick up the pieces of anger and move along. Tomorrow is a new day and it's a new situation - we will be in our 12th month of trying and that just makes me so sad.

When is it my turn????????????????????

It's been awhile!

I am inspired to return to my blog after a hiatus by Sandi.

Putting all those other things about me was difficult and maybe I just needed to let it sit out there for awhile.

Where I stand right now?? 11 months of trying to start a family have really begun to wear me down tremendously. I want off this damn roller coaster.

All of my life I have wanted to be a mother, I never in my life dreamed as a little girl that growing up to have my own children would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have worked 2 jobs while double majoring in college, worked 2 jobs and did graduate school, and worked as special education teacher for 9 years now...all of that is so simple compared to this process.

This infertility issue was one of the main reasons my 1st marriage didn't work out. It changed things between us, both of us changed and I realized we had just grown apart in terms of what we wanted. I don't have to worry about that with Aaron, he just supports me no matter what.

It's not all sunshine and roses to be sure. It's the hardest, most emotional process that I had NO preparation for beforehand. There are months that I am angry at my body and want to know why it doesn't function properly, I get depressed at the idea that I may never have a child of my own, and retreat into my own thoughts WAY too much. These are all things I am aware of and trying to make better.

But some days I just want to be pissed without someone telling me it's going to be okay and that it's going to work out as soon as we stop trying. Really insensitive person???? If it were that easy we would have been pregnant immediately. Unfortunately, without scientific intervention, it will never happen.

I wish there was a better instruction manual for people like me...infertile. You know, somewhere you could look at the index and say "11 months of trying and no success? Go to page 34 and find your answers."