Things no one tells you when you have a child - sometimes, you feel like a huge failure as a mother, a wife, and a person.
Lately, I have been really struggling with all of these feelings of failure.
When I feel like I am making progress at not sucking at being a bad mom, we have nights like tonight where my daughter does not even concern herself with me. She did not want to play with me, did not want me to sit and watch her "Momo," (Elmo in little bug language). All she wanted was Aaron, she kept coming to get him by the hand to pull him into her room to play, etc with her. When I tried, she threw a fit and pushed me away. (Insert toddler-sized knife right to the heart here). After over an hour of trying, I stopped trying to do it because it was breaking my heart.
This has not been the first time this has happened. More often than not, she's a huge daddy's girl and I love how much they love each other. I am so thrilled and excited that my wonderful husband is also a wonderful daddy to this beautiful girl, she deserves all the love in the world. I just wish there was more of a place for me to get some of the attention from her aside from her saying, "No, mommy."
Logically, I know she is 21 months old and is still working on figuring it all out, this is not intentional and not something she is consciously doing it. She is being a finnicky toddler who is just moving along with things from day to day.
Illogically, it hurts like hell. It makes me feel worthless and pathetic. I went through hell and back to have her through all the IVF treatments, the blood clots in my uterus in my first trimester, the gestational diabetes, the sciatica pain. She was worth all of that, but when I feel like I do now it hurts so badly.
I wish there was an easier way to process these feelings so that I wasn't sitting here, typing with tears in my eyes, trying not to feel like I am a terrible person in all areas of my life.
This sucks :-(
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Monday, February 16, 2015
Where to go from here?
A few weeks have now passed since all the chaos rained down. The dust is starting to settle on it and my emotions are calmer than they were before, it doesn't mean I don't feel them though.
As I have reflected on everything that happened, I realized a few things:
1. I have some amazing people in my life who are loving me, even with my flaws.
-These people have listened to me talk and talk to get out all I was feeling without judgement or telling me to get over it all. They have helped me through anxiety attacks, crying fits, and general down moods. I would be completely lost without them and am so fortunate to have people like this. I do not take it lightly and have told them all time and again about my appreciation for them.
-People who have known me my whole life, those who have known me more of my life than they haven't been in my life - they have seen me through some incredibly terrible times without question or fail. I most certainly would be lost without them.
-They know my true character: I am an honest person, who sometimes says things that people don't agree with (my hubby calls it "opinionated," I prefer strong-minded, but basically the same thing) and it has cost me friendships, relationships in my life. I am not a good liar because I wear my emotions on my face pretty regularly, so when I do feel something - it is on display for all to see. I am not good at hiding that, but I do not run from it either. I am a caring person who will do everything in my power to help those I love if I can. I would give the people in my life everything I had if I could. I would live in my car if that's what needed to happen. Sometimes, giving to others is to my own detriment, but I won't stop being who I feel I am. I am a loyal person who values the people in my life to a fault. However, when I feel as though someone is questioning my loyalty and that trust is lost, I am done with that person and cannot feel a sense of trust with them again, even if I have forgiven them
-People who have known me my whole life, those who have known me more of my life than they haven't been in my life - they have seen me through some incredibly terrible times without question or fail. I most certainly would be lost without them.
-They know my true character: I am an honest person, who sometimes says things that people don't agree with (my hubby calls it "opinionated," I prefer strong-minded, but basically the same thing) and it has cost me friendships, relationships in my life. I am not a good liar because I wear my emotions on my face pretty regularly, so when I do feel something - it is on display for all to see. I am not good at hiding that, but I do not run from it either. I am a caring person who will do everything in my power to help those I love if I can. I would give the people in my life everything I had if I could. I would live in my car if that's what needed to happen. Sometimes, giving to others is to my own detriment, but I won't stop being who I feel I am. I am a loyal person who values the people in my life to a fault. However, when I feel as though someone is questioning my loyalty and that trust is lost, I am done with that person and cannot feel a sense of trust with them again, even if I have forgiven them
2. I accept my responsibility in these relationships ending.
-When I was getting divorced 8 years ago (has it really been that long??? Amazing how much has changed), I had to accept that I was partially to blame for the relationship ending - either from not communicating when I needed something, or when I felt as though things were not working, etc. It was a hard lesson to learn and I brought those rough lessons into my relationship with Aaron, I now talk to him when I feel like things are not working for me, even when it is tough to do it because of frustration. It has been a great way for us to be happily married after nearly 6 years and not only that, we are good parents because we relay when we feel frustrated about being parents (let's face it, not an easy job at all).
-Now I need to take this and apply it to friendship side of relationships. These friendships didn't just magically come to an end with no one at fault. We both did things that allowed it to get to such points of frustrations that we decided that it was better to part ways.
-I know that I was not always the best at making the extra effort to be around when they needed me at a moment's notice. Since becoming a parent, it has been much harder to do this for a variety of reasons. I haven't wanted to leave my little family as much since we have been working so much, our time together is precious to me and I will not make apologies for putting them first. Aaron and I went through a serious version of hell to have our little girl, we love spending time just the 3 of us. Our work weeks are so hectic and difficult to spend much time together, so our weekends are mostly just for us. This means I am not around when people need me or want to spend time together socially.
-I do share my opinions with people, maybe more than I should. Maybe, from this point forward, I need to be more conservative about who I talk to about what. It's something I can work on, I just wish things I had said during private conversations would have been kept that way. I have not aired what other people have shared with me when it was said in confidences - I do wish that had been done in return. Having my private opinions aired in public is a tough pill to swallow and it makes me look like that is all I ever feel (which is not true, but was based on particular circumstances - though it doesn't matter now because it has all be hung out there, out of contexts, sometimes, long periods of time after the frustrations have passed). None of that really matters anymore, because I cannot control what others think of what I have said, but I will be much more cautious about who I share my true feelings with in the future. This was a large scale exposure of my feelings that was done without my permission and is incredibly hurtful.
-However, these people are not without their responsibility. When they decided that I was not being a good friend to them, they did not speak to me about it. They did not have a conversation with me letting me know that I was doing something that they did not feel was a good thing. I cannot change what I do not know is bothering them. When I am frustrated with someone, I prefer to have a conversation, uncomfortable or not, so we can clear the air and talk about things. If at that point, we still decided to part ways, at least it can be done amicably without the feelings being quite so hurt. This did not happen in this case.
-When I was getting divorced 8 years ago (has it really been that long??? Amazing how much has changed), I had to accept that I was partially to blame for the relationship ending - either from not communicating when I needed something, or when I felt as though things were not working, etc. It was a hard lesson to learn and I brought those rough lessons into my relationship with Aaron, I now talk to him when I feel like things are not working for me, even when it is tough to do it because of frustration. It has been a great way for us to be happily married after nearly 6 years and not only that, we are good parents because we relay when we feel frustrated about being parents (let's face it, not an easy job at all).
-Now I need to take this and apply it to friendship side of relationships. These friendships didn't just magically come to an end with no one at fault. We both did things that allowed it to get to such points of frustrations that we decided that it was better to part ways.
-I know that I was not always the best at making the extra effort to be around when they needed me at a moment's notice. Since becoming a parent, it has been much harder to do this for a variety of reasons. I haven't wanted to leave my little family as much since we have been working so much, our time together is precious to me and I will not make apologies for putting them first. Aaron and I went through a serious version of hell to have our little girl, we love spending time just the 3 of us. Our work weeks are so hectic and difficult to spend much time together, so our weekends are mostly just for us. This means I am not around when people need me or want to spend time together socially.
-I do share my opinions with people, maybe more than I should. Maybe, from this point forward, I need to be more conservative about who I talk to about what. It's something I can work on, I just wish things I had said during private conversations would have been kept that way. I have not aired what other people have shared with me when it was said in confidences - I do wish that had been done in return. Having my private opinions aired in public is a tough pill to swallow and it makes me look like that is all I ever feel (which is not true, but was based on particular circumstances - though it doesn't matter now because it has all be hung out there, out of contexts, sometimes, long periods of time after the frustrations have passed). None of that really matters anymore, because I cannot control what others think of what I have said, but I will be much more cautious about who I share my true feelings with in the future. This was a large scale exposure of my feelings that was done without my permission and is incredibly hurtful.
-However, these people are not without their responsibility. When they decided that I was not being a good friend to them, they did not speak to me about it. They did not have a conversation with me letting me know that I was doing something that they did not feel was a good thing. I cannot change what I do not know is bothering them. When I am frustrated with someone, I prefer to have a conversation, uncomfortable or not, so we can clear the air and talk about things. If at that point, we still decided to part ways, at least it can be done amicably without the feelings being quite so hurt. This did not happen in this case.
So, the million dollar question is: where to go from here?
I wish I knew.
All I do know, is coming to these two conclusions has been a huge step in the process for me.
I do not want other people to brought into the middle of anything, I want everyone to continue to be friends who everyone they want to be friends with. I want a sense of calm to return to my life. I want to be able to keep my emotions in control when I do come in contact with these people.
It is easier said than done.
Mostly, what I want to do is move forward with my life, with the people in it who see me through/in spite of the faults/flaws. I am not a perfect person, but I am trying to be a better person because of these experiences.
I hope that people will at least think of this thought: "There's your side, there's my side, and then there is the truth." My truth is mine, their truth is theirs - the truth in the middle is left to be seen. I may never understand it, I have come to terms with the fact that I may never truly know/understand their side, just as they will not of mine.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Adult friendships/break ups
So it has been quite awhile since I wrote and I am not sure why. One of my goals in 2015 is to take more time for things that I enjoy and to make more time for the people in my life I enjoy spending time with.
The problem becomes when people grow apart as adults, the "breaking up" for adult friendships is so much more painful and complicated than when you are a kid. It is not as easy as an adult to make new friends, work and family take priority (as they should) and your time to just run around and meet new people as it was in college and high school. Friendships form from work and activities with the family, or they are sustaining friendships from your youth. Making completely new friends as adults is quite a challenge.
When I think of the people who have been in my life and I value - my list of people I put on that list has become shorter recently and I am in the place of trying to determine how I feel about that.
On one hand, I am hurt by the people that are removed from my life. I hurt when people leave my life, whether because they chose to go or because I chose to go...the pain is the same. My friendships are important to me and when someone that I felt was important to me is no longer a part of my life, it's like a separation.
On the other hand, if you do not want to be in my life - please go and don't look back. For whatever reason we decide that our friendship has come to a close, and looking back will only cause more issues and hurt to be developed. There are plenty of people in my life who are there through the good and the bad, I do not need someone who is not willing to stick out the good and the bad with me.
I do not want to have my daughter grow up thinking that treating people poorly or being treated poorly by people is okay. It is most certainly not okay. I want her to grow up seeing her parents making positive choices, learning from the negative ones, and supporting people when times are tough. A true friendship is there when things are at their highest highs and their lowest lows, and choosing to stay just the same.
It takes quite a bit for me to just say there is nothing left to fight for anymore, it makes me question how much was really there to begin with (retrospectively of course, because hindsight is 20/20). It's how you move forward that helps define you.
So the question comes now...where to go from here?
The short answer is that I have not a damn clue where to go from here.
The long answer is that I have to take time to sort out my feelings and move forward. I have allotted myself some time to wallow in my emotions, but then it is going to be time to pick myself up and move forward.
I saw this quote one time and it rings true in this case: "Sometimes when someone exits your life, they are really doing you a favor. They leave an empty space for someone who deserves to be there."
The problem becomes when people grow apart as adults, the "breaking up" for adult friendships is so much more painful and complicated than when you are a kid. It is not as easy as an adult to make new friends, work and family take priority (as they should) and your time to just run around and meet new people as it was in college and high school. Friendships form from work and activities with the family, or they are sustaining friendships from your youth. Making completely new friends as adults is quite a challenge.
When I think of the people who have been in my life and I value - my list of people I put on that list has become shorter recently and I am in the place of trying to determine how I feel about that.
On one hand, I am hurt by the people that are removed from my life. I hurt when people leave my life, whether because they chose to go or because I chose to go...the pain is the same. My friendships are important to me and when someone that I felt was important to me is no longer a part of my life, it's like a separation.
On the other hand, if you do not want to be in my life - please go and don't look back. For whatever reason we decide that our friendship has come to a close, and looking back will only cause more issues and hurt to be developed. There are plenty of people in my life who are there through the good and the bad, I do not need someone who is not willing to stick out the good and the bad with me.
I do not want to have my daughter grow up thinking that treating people poorly or being treated poorly by people is okay. It is most certainly not okay. I want her to grow up seeing her parents making positive choices, learning from the negative ones, and supporting people when times are tough. A true friendship is there when things are at their highest highs and their lowest lows, and choosing to stay just the same.
It takes quite a bit for me to just say there is nothing left to fight for anymore, it makes me question how much was really there to begin with (retrospectively of course, because hindsight is 20/20). It's how you move forward that helps define you.
So the question comes now...where to go from here?
The short answer is that I have not a damn clue where to go from here.
The long answer is that I have to take time to sort out my feelings and move forward. I have allotted myself some time to wallow in my emotions, but then it is going to be time to pick myself up and move forward.
I saw this quote one time and it rings true in this case: "Sometimes when someone exits your life, they are really doing you a favor. They leave an empty space for someone who deserves to be there."
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Has it really been almost a year since I posted???? Good grief, time has just flown by!
I am a bad blogger. After documenting the process of getting pregnant and all throughout my pregnancy, I just didn't have much time to update :-(
Let me get caught up:
1. Genny is now nearly 15 months old! She is just over 17 pounds (still a sprout!), she has 12 teeth (yes, it's insane how quickly they burst through but were just miserable!), she is scooting on her butt with the use of her hands and is figuring out her balance for standing/walking - she is not there yet though. She talks (several words), she sings, laughs, smiles, has learned to give hugs and kisses. She is just the happiest kid and such an amazing gift to our lives.
2. We have moved - we downsized in February. We just could not afford to keep going with the house as it was and being able to enjoy our lives as a family. It was a wise decision and although it was difficult to walk away from the house that we loved so much, it is better in the long run for us. We now live less than 2 blocks from Aaron's mom and that is just amazing. She gets to see Genny for "grandma" time several times a week! It's awesome!
3. Aaron finished school in May and is starting the process of job hunting in his field of computers. He has some potential jobs on the horizon and any help would be amazing at this point - day care is expensive!
Let me get caught up:
1. Genny is now nearly 15 months old! She is just over 17 pounds (still a sprout!), she has 12 teeth (yes, it's insane how quickly they burst through but were just miserable!), she is scooting on her butt with the use of her hands and is figuring out her balance for standing/walking - she is not there yet though. She talks (several words), she sings, laughs, smiles, has learned to give hugs and kisses. She is just the happiest kid and such an amazing gift to our lives.
2. We have moved - we downsized in February. We just could not afford to keep going with the house as it was and being able to enjoy our lives as a family. It was a wise decision and although it was difficult to walk away from the house that we loved so much, it is better in the long run for us. We now live less than 2 blocks from Aaron's mom and that is just amazing. She gets to see Genny for "grandma" time several times a week! It's awesome!
3. Aaron finished school in May and is starting the process of job hunting in his field of computers. He has some potential jobs on the horizon and any help would be amazing at this point - day care is expensive!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Where has the time gone?? Almost 3 month old baby girl update
Okay, I am bad blogger (but hopefully good mommy) because I have not updated since July 15!
In the news around our house:
1. Genny is growing and growing so big - we are in the 3 month clothes now and some of them are small! She's long and skinny (not sure where that comes from, but hey, hopefully it stays!). She will be 3 months old on Tuesday and that's amazing to me.
2. She is sleeping mostly through the night now. She typically goes for 6 1/2 to 7 hours a night before getting up. Last night, she was exhausted and slept from 9:30 pm - 7:00 am!! This was amazing and needed!
3. She is recognizing our faces now not just our voices. When she sees us, she smiles in recognition and it seriously melts the two of us in a second. After a rough day at school, picking her up from day care and seeing the smiles, makes the rest of the junk just disappear.
4. Genny has always held her head up very well, but now we have great neck control as well as head control - we have been using the Bumbo seat to prepare to be sitting and she is doing great at it. She likes it for about 20 minutes, then she's sort of done with it for awhile. We are working on it everyday, so it will get better with time.
5. We are laughing and making new sounds everyday. She is exploring her vocal range and it's adorable "happy Genny" noises as we call them.
6. She is starting not to hate the car seat as much - she does not like to be restrained (because she's a super wiggle bug) and the car seat is just awfully restraining and she has hated it from the word go. But, we are getting to the point that every car ride is not an exercise in her lung strength and I am eternally grateful for that.
7. We have survived colic - this is the most awful thing in the world. The baby just screams for hours at a time and there is little comfort. There would be times we would just cry together - her because of the colic and me because I couldn't help her. There were more than 1 night Aaron would come home from work to the 2 of us sitting on the couch just crying. We still have small fits, but nothing like the hell that we have survived.
8. She is the light of our lives and we are beyond words thrilled to have her in it. She makes us so happy and we love spending time just the 3 of us together. It's amazing the joy she brings for us and the happiness we have together as a family. After working for so long to get her and then waiting for her arrival, we felt such great anticipation for her. What is surprising is how much more love and admiration we have for her than we even thought we could have - it's beyond words describable and she is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Now, we can't picture our days without her smile and sweetness in them. This is what we went through all that for - those moments of happiness and love we share with her.
I will try to update more than once in 2 months! Life is so blissfully busy right now that I just want to enjoy it!
In the news around our house:
1. Genny is growing and growing so big - we are in the 3 month clothes now and some of them are small! She's long and skinny (not sure where that comes from, but hey, hopefully it stays!). She will be 3 months old on Tuesday and that's amazing to me.
2. She is sleeping mostly through the night now. She typically goes for 6 1/2 to 7 hours a night before getting up. Last night, she was exhausted and slept from 9:30 pm - 7:00 am!! This was amazing and needed!
3. She is recognizing our faces now not just our voices. When she sees us, she smiles in recognition and it seriously melts the two of us in a second. After a rough day at school, picking her up from day care and seeing the smiles, makes the rest of the junk just disappear.
4. Genny has always held her head up very well, but now we have great neck control as well as head control - we have been using the Bumbo seat to prepare to be sitting and she is doing great at it. She likes it for about 20 minutes, then she's sort of done with it for awhile. We are working on it everyday, so it will get better with time.
5. We are laughing and making new sounds everyday. She is exploring her vocal range and it's adorable "happy Genny" noises as we call them.
6. She is starting not to hate the car seat as much - she does not like to be restrained (because she's a super wiggle bug) and the car seat is just awfully restraining and she has hated it from the word go. But, we are getting to the point that every car ride is not an exercise in her lung strength and I am eternally grateful for that.
7. We have survived colic - this is the most awful thing in the world. The baby just screams for hours at a time and there is little comfort. There would be times we would just cry together - her because of the colic and me because I couldn't help her. There were more than 1 night Aaron would come home from work to the 2 of us sitting on the couch just crying. We still have small fits, but nothing like the hell that we have survived.
8. She is the light of our lives and we are beyond words thrilled to have her in it. She makes us so happy and we love spending time just the 3 of us together. It's amazing the joy she brings for us and the happiness we have together as a family. After working for so long to get her and then waiting for her arrival, we felt such great anticipation for her. What is surprising is how much more love and admiration we have for her than we even thought we could have - it's beyond words describable and she is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Now, we can't picture our days without her smile and sweetness in them. This is what we went through all that for - those moments of happiness and love we share with her.
I will try to update more than once in 2 months! Life is so blissfully busy right now that I just want to enjoy it!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
My due date modified
Today would have been my due date with baby girl.
Genevieve wanted to come into the world early and now we can barely imagine our lives before she was here! Now we have a nearly 3 week old sweet angel who has our hearts completely.
The past 3 weeks have been amazing, scary, and beyond words. Spending my summer with her is the best treat of my life and I know it will be so hard to go back to work in August.
I love watching Aaron interact with her - it melts my heart to see him love her and spend time with her. I have fallen more in love with him watching our dream come true. He loves her so much and he is so sad that he doesn't get to spend his days with us right now. He was able to be home for about a week and half after she was born - it's of course not enough for him!
I am just trying to enjoy as much time with her as I can before I have to head back to work.
She is our little miracle baby and we are so blessed to have her in our lives now.
Genevieve wanted to come into the world early and now we can barely imagine our lives before she was here! Now we have a nearly 3 week old sweet angel who has our hearts completely.
The past 3 weeks have been amazing, scary, and beyond words. Spending my summer with her is the best treat of my life and I know it will be so hard to go back to work in August.
I love watching Aaron interact with her - it melts my heart to see him love her and spend time with her. I have fallen more in love with him watching our dream come true. He loves her so much and he is so sad that he doesn't get to spend his days with us right now. He was able to be home for about a week and half after she was born - it's of course not enough for him!
I am just trying to enjoy as much time with her as I can before I have to head back to work.
She is our little miracle baby and we are so blessed to have her in our lives now.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Baby girl birth story
Last week during my 36 week appointment, my OB said I was 4 cm dilated and 75% effaced so I was sent to labor and delivery to be monitored for contractions and to see if I was progressing. 6 hours later, I was sent home to monitor how everything was going.
Most of the week, I was getting contractions although not consistent enough to head to the hospital. We were pretty much sitting on the edge everyday to see if that day was going to be the day. It was kind of stressful and frustrating, we were so ready to meet our angel but we knew that she was going to come on her own time in her own way.
Thursday (6/20) was our 4th wedding anniversary and I had another non-stress test. We were very much hoping that it would pick up enough contractions to admit me to the hospital to get the party started! However, Genny had other plans - not one contraction showed up on the monitors and we left very let down. I cried for about 20 minutes after the non-stress test because I had spent so much time getting close with the contractions and I was just ready to have her here.
All weekend, I did not feel very well - like I had the flu. I had body aches and stiffness, felt sick to my stomach from time to time, and the contractions were still what they had been for days. I spent lots of time on the couch or the bed, resting and trying to relax because I just didn't feel well.
Monday, June 24 I had my 37 week OB appointment, but I did not go into the appointment with much hope that things had progressed. I had set a whole list of things I wanted to get finished after the appointment because I had no expectation that anything was happening.
Well, I have never been so wrong!
My OB told me I was 6-7 cm and 80% effaced, she said that I had progressed enough she wanted me to be admitted and she would come break my water. It was awesome but scary news. I called Aaron at work and let him know that I was heading to be admitted and he could meet me there as soon as possible - it was go time!
By the time Aaron arrived, I was hooked up to the monitors, had an IV going in my hand and had completed the admission paperwork. However, my blood pressure (which had not been a touch out of the normal range for the entire pregnancy was elevated - I had to keep the blood pressure cuff on and monitored because it was not coming down and they were concerned it was going to stay high). After about an hour around 12:15 pm, my OB came and broke my water (what a weird sensation that is - you feel like you wet yourself and with every contraction, you wet yourself a little more). I had progressed to 8 cm dilated almost immediately.
But then we stalled out. I stayed at 8 cm for hours, but the contractions were picking up with intensity and frequency. We added some pitocin to the IV fluids to see if we could continue to move along. Within about 5 minutes of that in my IV, the contractions were intense and I cried at every contraction. It was getting very painful and my blood pressure was still elevated - we contributed it to the increase in pain I was feeling.
I wanted to try some IV medication before we jumped to an epidural to see if that could help how I was feeling - we started with a half dose of the pain meds since it doesn't take much to affect me and it made me sleepy and I fell asleep for about 1/2 hour. However, the pain from the increased contractions woke me up and I was hurting again. I took the remaining 1/2 dose of the medicine and nothing changed the pain level, I was still stalled out at 8 cm and nothing was changing.
When my OB came to check on me, she was still concerned about the blood pressure and that I hadn't progressed from 8 cm. She said with how I was feeling and the blood pressure, if I was going to consider an epidural it could very well help with not only the pain as well as the progression. I had to have more fluids through my IV before they could do an epidural. It was about 5:15 pm.
The epidural process is an interesting one. It is incredibly stressful because you have to sit very still while it is being placed. The issue for me was that I had swollen up the past few days with water weight, which made the placement tough - he had to move around a few times with the catheter to make sure it was in the right place. Aaron stood in front of me, talking to me, and keeping me as calm as possible while it was being placed. I cried because it's not a comfortable process and I know he had a hard time with seeing me like that. The nurse talked to me and was helping me to keep my shoulders down so I didn't tense up as the dr was placing it. Finally, after about 30 minutes, it was properly placed and they started the medicine.
It's a very strange feeling, it starts in the toes and works its way up to your chest. I could still feel my feet but they felt like they were asleep and tingly. Within a few minutes, I was not feeling the contractions anymore and was relieved greatly.
The main problem was that the way I was laying on the bed, Genny had moved up in my abdomen and was pushing on my stomach. It made me feel like I was going to be sick. I threw up the little bit of Jell-o I had been allowed to eat. That was a pretty interesting process too, I was very stationary due to the epidural so moving to throw up was tough. But as soon as I was done throwing up, I felt much better.
I was able to relax finally and rested again. I didn't sleep for a very long time, just napped on and off for a few more hours. Once I was set with the epidural, they increased the pitocin at a steady rate since I was set with not feeling the pain anymore. They kept me on fluids and checked me about every 1 1/2 hours to see how it was going.
Around 9:30, I was finally at 9 cm and 100% effaced - progress was being made! It was over 9 hours since my water was broken and we were getting somewhere.
Finally about 10:15, the nurse checked me again and I was 10 cm! It was time to start making sure things were set for pushing. We worked on the breathing through the contractions and seeing Genny was positioned, she was still a bit high in my pelvis for pushing so we spent some time working to bring her down. I had not expected to feel the tightness and pressure of the contractions so strongly, but I was able to know when to push. Aaron was at my side, he pushed up on my leg with each contraction to help me bear down to push.
After these practice pushes, we discovered that Genny was not coming down as quickly as the nurse felt she should be. She wanted me to try being more flat on the bed as opposed to sitting upright. This made all the difference in her moving down into the pelvis. What it also did was change how I was breathing and I felt like I was going to be sick. The nurse put the bucket between me and Aaron, a few more pushes and I did feel like the vomit was coming. Poor Aaron, this is his weakness and I basically threw up in his face during the contractions. I was grateful it was there because it was a pretty awful feeling. Aaron had trouble with this because the smell of vomit tends to make him want to throw up himself, but he did not do it.
About 11:15, we were at the point where it was time to call my OB. The contractions were intense and the pressure was building. At this point, they were nervous about turning up the epidural because they wanted me to be able to push through the pressure and the epidural would have limited that part.
I could not wait for my OB to get there because I was ready to get her out - I was crying from the pressure with each contraction.
When she arrived and was set up, it was time to push against this intense pressure. I do not know exactly how many contractions I pushed for, but I know we were getting about 4 pushes per contraction. It was so intense, I know I was crying out with each push because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Aaron helped me by pushing on my leg with each push and I was glad because it was getting harder and harder with each push.
She told me to push against her fingers as though I was pushing away her hand.
Finally, Genny's head came out and they wanted me to stop pushing. This is the hardest part, I was in so much pain and we were so close! I just wanted her out!!
Once her nose was clear, I pushed one more big push and she was here!! I was crying so hard and heard Aaron say "she's here, she's out! Christine, she's here!"
All I felt was relief from the pressure and pain in that moment, she was here...finally.
Within seconds, I heard her cry and it was the most powerful sound I had ever heard. They put her on my chest and I just cried. I said to the little one, "we waited so long for you baby girl, we love you so much."
They took her to be cleaned off while I was pushing out the placenta and getting cleaned up myself. I could hear her crying, it was a wonderful sound. They had been concerned that her lungs were not going to be where they needed to be but the crying changed all that! Aaron came over to me and showed me her pictures he had taken right when she was born. It was amazing.
I was then told that she made sure to make a grand entrance - she came out with her hand pushed into her face. That was how she pushed through my pelvis, with her hand up against her head. My body was not ready for that and it caused me to tear as she passed through. It took them almost 30 minutes to get me stitched up while they were cleaning her up and getting her weighed.
Genevieve Ann was born at 11:45 pm weighing in at 6 pounds 10 ounces, 19 inches long. She was perfect and beautiful.
Most of the week, I was getting contractions although not consistent enough to head to the hospital. We were pretty much sitting on the edge everyday to see if that day was going to be the day. It was kind of stressful and frustrating, we were so ready to meet our angel but we knew that she was going to come on her own time in her own way.
Thursday (6/20) was our 4th wedding anniversary and I had another non-stress test. We were very much hoping that it would pick up enough contractions to admit me to the hospital to get the party started! However, Genny had other plans - not one contraction showed up on the monitors and we left very let down. I cried for about 20 minutes after the non-stress test because I had spent so much time getting close with the contractions and I was just ready to have her here.
All weekend, I did not feel very well - like I had the flu. I had body aches and stiffness, felt sick to my stomach from time to time, and the contractions were still what they had been for days. I spent lots of time on the couch or the bed, resting and trying to relax because I just didn't feel well.
Monday, June 24 I had my 37 week OB appointment, but I did not go into the appointment with much hope that things had progressed. I had set a whole list of things I wanted to get finished after the appointment because I had no expectation that anything was happening.
Well, I have never been so wrong!
My OB told me I was 6-7 cm and 80% effaced, she said that I had progressed enough she wanted me to be admitted and she would come break my water. It was awesome but scary news. I called Aaron at work and let him know that I was heading to be admitted and he could meet me there as soon as possible - it was go time!
By the time Aaron arrived, I was hooked up to the monitors, had an IV going in my hand and had completed the admission paperwork. However, my blood pressure (which had not been a touch out of the normal range for the entire pregnancy was elevated - I had to keep the blood pressure cuff on and monitored because it was not coming down and they were concerned it was going to stay high). After about an hour around 12:15 pm, my OB came and broke my water (what a weird sensation that is - you feel like you wet yourself and with every contraction, you wet yourself a little more). I had progressed to 8 cm dilated almost immediately.
But then we stalled out. I stayed at 8 cm for hours, but the contractions were picking up with intensity and frequency. We added some pitocin to the IV fluids to see if we could continue to move along. Within about 5 minutes of that in my IV, the contractions were intense and I cried at every contraction. It was getting very painful and my blood pressure was still elevated - we contributed it to the increase in pain I was feeling.
I wanted to try some IV medication before we jumped to an epidural to see if that could help how I was feeling - we started with a half dose of the pain meds since it doesn't take much to affect me and it made me sleepy and I fell asleep for about 1/2 hour. However, the pain from the increased contractions woke me up and I was hurting again. I took the remaining 1/2 dose of the medicine and nothing changed the pain level, I was still stalled out at 8 cm and nothing was changing.
When my OB came to check on me, she was still concerned about the blood pressure and that I hadn't progressed from 8 cm. She said with how I was feeling and the blood pressure, if I was going to consider an epidural it could very well help with not only the pain as well as the progression. I had to have more fluids through my IV before they could do an epidural. It was about 5:15 pm.
The epidural process is an interesting one. It is incredibly stressful because you have to sit very still while it is being placed. The issue for me was that I had swollen up the past few days with water weight, which made the placement tough - he had to move around a few times with the catheter to make sure it was in the right place. Aaron stood in front of me, talking to me, and keeping me as calm as possible while it was being placed. I cried because it's not a comfortable process and I know he had a hard time with seeing me like that. The nurse talked to me and was helping me to keep my shoulders down so I didn't tense up as the dr was placing it. Finally, after about 30 minutes, it was properly placed and they started the medicine.
It's a very strange feeling, it starts in the toes and works its way up to your chest. I could still feel my feet but they felt like they were asleep and tingly. Within a few minutes, I was not feeling the contractions anymore and was relieved greatly.
The main problem was that the way I was laying on the bed, Genny had moved up in my abdomen and was pushing on my stomach. It made me feel like I was going to be sick. I threw up the little bit of Jell-o I had been allowed to eat. That was a pretty interesting process too, I was very stationary due to the epidural so moving to throw up was tough. But as soon as I was done throwing up, I felt much better.
I was able to relax finally and rested again. I didn't sleep for a very long time, just napped on and off for a few more hours. Once I was set with the epidural, they increased the pitocin at a steady rate since I was set with not feeling the pain anymore. They kept me on fluids and checked me about every 1 1/2 hours to see how it was going.
Around 9:30, I was finally at 9 cm and 100% effaced - progress was being made! It was over 9 hours since my water was broken and we were getting somewhere.
Finally about 10:15, the nurse checked me again and I was 10 cm! It was time to start making sure things were set for pushing. We worked on the breathing through the contractions and seeing Genny was positioned, she was still a bit high in my pelvis for pushing so we spent some time working to bring her down. I had not expected to feel the tightness and pressure of the contractions so strongly, but I was able to know when to push. Aaron was at my side, he pushed up on my leg with each contraction to help me bear down to push.
After these practice pushes, we discovered that Genny was not coming down as quickly as the nurse felt she should be. She wanted me to try being more flat on the bed as opposed to sitting upright. This made all the difference in her moving down into the pelvis. What it also did was change how I was breathing and I felt like I was going to be sick. The nurse put the bucket between me and Aaron, a few more pushes and I did feel like the vomit was coming. Poor Aaron, this is his weakness and I basically threw up in his face during the contractions. I was grateful it was there because it was a pretty awful feeling. Aaron had trouble with this because the smell of vomit tends to make him want to throw up himself, but he did not do it.
About 11:15, we were at the point where it was time to call my OB. The contractions were intense and the pressure was building. At this point, they were nervous about turning up the epidural because they wanted me to be able to push through the pressure and the epidural would have limited that part.
I could not wait for my OB to get there because I was ready to get her out - I was crying from the pressure with each contraction.
When she arrived and was set up, it was time to push against this intense pressure. I do not know exactly how many contractions I pushed for, but I know we were getting about 4 pushes per contraction. It was so intense, I know I was crying out with each push because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Aaron helped me by pushing on my leg with each push and I was glad because it was getting harder and harder with each push.
She told me to push against her fingers as though I was pushing away her hand.
Finally, Genny's head came out and they wanted me to stop pushing. This is the hardest part, I was in so much pain and we were so close! I just wanted her out!!
Once her nose was clear, I pushed one more big push and she was here!! I was crying so hard and heard Aaron say "she's here, she's out! Christine, she's here!"
All I felt was relief from the pressure and pain in that moment, she was here...finally.
Within seconds, I heard her cry and it was the most powerful sound I had ever heard. They put her on my chest and I just cried. I said to the little one, "we waited so long for you baby girl, we love you so much."
They took her to be cleaned off while I was pushing out the placenta and getting cleaned up myself. I could hear her crying, it was a wonderful sound. They had been concerned that her lungs were not going to be where they needed to be but the crying changed all that! Aaron came over to me and showed me her pictures he had taken right when she was born. It was amazing.
I was then told that she made sure to make a grand entrance - she came out with her hand pushed into her face. That was how she pushed through my pelvis, with her hand up against her head. My body was not ready for that and it caused me to tear as she passed through. It took them almost 30 minutes to get me stitched up while they were cleaning her up and getting her weighed.
Genevieve Ann was born at 11:45 pm weighing in at 6 pounds 10 ounces, 19 inches long. She was perfect and beautiful.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Genevieve Ann - born 6/24/13 11:45 pm
She's here!!!!!
Genevieve Ann was born on Monday, June 24, 2013 at 11:45 pm. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces, was 19 inches long, and a full head of almost black hair! She's perfect!!! We are so in love with her.
I will post the birth story later, tonight was our first night at home after being released from the hospital.
We are just in complete awe and amazement of her.
Genevieve Ann was born on Monday, June 24, 2013 at 11:45 pm. She weighed 6 pounds 10 ounces, was 19 inches long, and a full head of almost black hair! She's perfect!!! We are so in love with her.
I will post the birth story later, tonight was our first night at home after being released from the hospital.
We are just in complete awe and amazement of her.
Friday, June 21, 2013
36 weeks 5 days
This week has been relatively quiet dealing with much organization of the baby's room and supplies to prepare. It could be at any time now, so we are just sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to make her appearance! We are so excited!!
How far along? 36 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain: 2 pounds total
Maternity clothes? now that school is out, I can just wear more comfy clothes as opposed to having to be dressed up with maternity clothes - I get to be relaxed and I am so grateful for that!
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows - particularly at the bottom part of my belly since she is now sitting a bit lower
Sleep: sleeping is harder and harder for me with the inconsistent contractions I have been having for the past few weeks - I will just fall asleep and then they will come back again. Kind of frustrating!
Best moment of the week: sitting in Genny's finished room on the glider and just feeling at peace with it all - I can't wait til she is here and can be in there herself. Also spending our 4th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband and having a nice dinner just the two of us.
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she moves but her movements are so much lower now that she is dropping
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not really
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: 4 cm dilated and 75% effaced, contractions are coming close together for awhile, then stopping altogether for hours before coming back inconsistently - kind of frustrating at this point
Symptoms: heartburn for certain, starting to pee all the time (way more than I normally do), breathing hard because she is pushing on my lungs as I walk around all the time
Belly button in or out? In - but pushing itself out
Wedding rings on or off? Well my temporary rings are now too tight due to the swelling that comes from the wonderful St. Louis humidity and 9 month pregnancy symptoms!
Happy or moody most of the time? right now I would say moody because I am frustrated witht he up and down of this early labor. I would rather it get completely going so we can meet her or to stop until later because the emotional ride is really difficult. We spend all day wondering when we are going to see enough progress to head to the hospital. It's very draining
Looking forward to: holding her in my arms and seeing who she looks like - the anticipation is so strong and we are so excited for her arrival!!
Friday, June 14, 2013
35 weeks and 5 days
Well this week has been just an adjustment to the summer schedule.
How far along? 35 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain: well, I had gained 4 but I lost about 5 pounds which my doctor is attributing to the loss of the water weight I was carrying while still working and on my feet all day
Maternity clothes? now that school is out, I can just wear more comfy clothes as opposed to having to be dressed up with maternity clothes - I get to be relaxed and I am so grateful for that!
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows - particularly at the bottom part of my belly since she is now sitting a bit lower
Sleep: sleeping is something that happens for about 10-15 minute spurts on and off throughout the night - thankfully now I can just nap when I feel tired
Best moment of the week: painting the bedroom (even though I did not actually pain anything) just seeing all the room components come together
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she moves but her movements are so much lower now that she is dropping
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not really
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: 2 1/2 cm dilated and 70% effaced - random contractions throughout the day
Symptoms: heartburn for certain, starting to pee all the time (way more than I normally do), breathing hard because she is pushing on my lungs as I walk around all the time
Belly button in or out? In - but pushing itself out
Wedding rings on or off? I keep trying to see if my wedding set will fit back on my hand - but I am swollen so it's always just a temporary thing. Pretty sure it will be awhile until they can go back on my hands - maybe the end of the summer or in the early fall
Happy or moody most of the time? working on her room makes me happy, it makes me feel as though we are getting closer and closer to her being here!
Looking forward to: setting up the furniture in her room and doing all the little things that will make it her room - no longer the empty storage space that it was before
Saturday, June 8, 2013
34 weeks and 6 days - organization and sadness
This week was somewhat of a rough one for me.
Thursday was the first anniversary of the passing of my mom. This was an emotional turmoil kind of day, it was tough and I didn't really want to talk to many people because it was hard for me to keep from crying. I spent the day mainly reflecting on things she had taught me in my life and thinking about how excited she would have been for Genny's impending arrival. I know she would have been so excited and spending way too much on items for her out of the sheer enjoyment of it all. My mom knew how tough it was for us to get pregnant and would have been so thrilled to just enjoy the preparation for her arrival. It has been tough to not have her here for me to ask questions about being pregnant and being a good mom, I know she is Genny's angel from above but it's not the same as having her here with us for all these major changes that are about to happen. I am fortunate enough to have Kara as the grandmother and she is doing everything in her power to do enough as grandmother for both herself and my mom - as much as I appreciate it (and believe me, I greatly do appreciate it) it's not the same as having my mom here.
The rest of the week was pretty good overall - I have hit the point of doctor appointment overload though. This week I had my regular OB appointment, plus a chiropractor, and a non-stress test at labor & delivery - this will be a weekly standard until Genny's birth.
We ordered the nursery furniture, which should be picked up next week and today is our painting of the room with friends' assistance. We brought in all the baby shower presents from the garage where they have been hanging out since all the baby showers. We sorted it out into groupings by their purpose to make it easier to put them into the nursery when we are ready for it to all be sorted. It took us the entire afternoon to sort it out but I think it was beneficial. We had so many things from all the generous people who came to the showers, it very much took me about 4 hours just to sort it out! I felt quite productive when I was done and then I was able to see what we had so much of and what we were still missing.
It's almost hard to believe she will be here in no more than 5 weeks! We are ready for it - well as ready as you can be for every part of your life to change without really having a complete understanding of how much! We know it will be an adjustment but this has been a 4 year process to get to this point, we are as ready as we can be for it all.
Thursday was the first anniversary of the passing of my mom. This was an emotional turmoil kind of day, it was tough and I didn't really want to talk to many people because it was hard for me to keep from crying. I spent the day mainly reflecting on things she had taught me in my life and thinking about how excited she would have been for Genny's impending arrival. I know she would have been so excited and spending way too much on items for her out of the sheer enjoyment of it all. My mom knew how tough it was for us to get pregnant and would have been so thrilled to just enjoy the preparation for her arrival. It has been tough to not have her here for me to ask questions about being pregnant and being a good mom, I know she is Genny's angel from above but it's not the same as having her here with us for all these major changes that are about to happen. I am fortunate enough to have Kara as the grandmother and she is doing everything in her power to do enough as grandmother for both herself and my mom - as much as I appreciate it (and believe me, I greatly do appreciate it) it's not the same as having my mom here.
The rest of the week was pretty good overall - I have hit the point of doctor appointment overload though. This week I had my regular OB appointment, plus a chiropractor, and a non-stress test at labor & delivery - this will be a weekly standard until Genny's birth.
We ordered the nursery furniture, which should be picked up next week and today is our painting of the room with friends' assistance. We brought in all the baby shower presents from the garage where they have been hanging out since all the baby showers. We sorted it out into groupings by their purpose to make it easier to put them into the nursery when we are ready for it to all be sorted. It took us the entire afternoon to sort it out but I think it was beneficial. We had so many things from all the generous people who came to the showers, it very much took me about 4 hours just to sort it out! I felt quite productive when I was done and then I was able to see what we had so much of and what we were still missing.
It's almost hard to believe she will be here in no more than 5 weeks! We are ready for it - well as ready as you can be for every part of your life to change without really having a complete understanding of how much! We know it will be an adjustment but this has been a 4 year process to get to this point, we are as ready as we can be for it all.
How far along? 34 weeks and 6 days
Total weight gain: back up to 4 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight - the gestational diabetes makes it tough to gain weight because the diet is pretty restrictive
Maternity clothes? now that school is out, I can just wear more comfy clothes as opposed to having to be dressed up with maternity clothes - I get to be relaxed and I am so grateful for that!
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows - particularly at the bottom part of my belly since she is now sitting a bit lower
Sleep: sleeping is something that happens for about 10-15 minute spurts on and off throughout the night - thankfully now I can just nap when I feel tired
Best moment of the week: getting the nursery furniture ordered - made me feel like we are really making progress with the organization of the nursery
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she moves all the time since she is running out of room - particularly she likes to push on my bladder more and more
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not really
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn for certain, starting to pee all the time (way more than I normally do), breathing hard because she is pushing on my lungs as I walk around all the time
Belly button in or out? In - but pushing itself out
Wedding rings on or off? I keep trying to see if my wedding set will fit back on my hand - but I am swollen so it's always just a temporary thing. Pretty sure it will be awhile until they can go back on my hands - maybe the end of the summer or in the early fall
Happy or moody most of the time? this week has been both happy and sad. Happy to get organized with all the baby materials but thoroughly sad with the first anniversary of my mom's passing.
Looking forward to: getting Genny's room painted today and then getting the baby furniture in the room - it makes me feel like this is all getting incredibly real and I am excited for it all
Friday, May 31, 2013
33 weeks and 5 days
Well school is out for the summer and I am so relieved!
It was getting tough to walk around the building with limited breathing ability (baby girl likes to kick at my lungs and ribs so a full breath is kind of tough!).
It's been a crazy week since the school year has ended. Our roommate Bethany has moved out and I have had a slew of different doctor appointments. I have had a chiropractor appointment, an ultrasound, and a non-stress test all within 24 hours. So far, the baby is doing well - she's about 5 pounds 3 ounces and growing very well. I will have more monitoring next week. This is now a weekly adventure, 2 times a week, I have to go to the hospital and be put on the monitors to see how she's moving and growing. All of this is due to the gestational diabetes and making sure that she's not growing too quickly due to it. It's a precaution from the doctor and will continue until the end of the pregnancy.
It was getting tough to walk around the building with limited breathing ability (baby girl likes to kick at my lungs and ribs so a full breath is kind of tough!).
It's been a crazy week since the school year has ended. Our roommate Bethany has moved out and I have had a slew of different doctor appointments. I have had a chiropractor appointment, an ultrasound, and a non-stress test all within 24 hours. So far, the baby is doing well - she's about 5 pounds 3 ounces and growing very well. I will have more monitoring next week. This is now a weekly adventure, 2 times a week, I have to go to the hospital and be put on the monitors to see how she's moving and growing. All of this is due to the gestational diabetes and making sure that she's not growing too quickly due to it. It's a precaution from the doctor and will continue until the end of the pregnancy.
How far along? 33 weeks and 5 days
Total weight gain: back up to 4 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight - the gestational diabetes makes it tough to gain weight because the diet is pretty restrictive
Maternity clothes? now that school is out, I can just wear more comfy clothes as opposed to having to be dressed up with maternity clothes - I get to be relaxed and I am so grateful for that!
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows
Sleep: sleeping is something that happens for about 10-15 minute spurts on and off throughout the night - thankfully now I can just nap when I feel tired
Best moment of the week: the end of the school year - it was a pretty good year overall but I am just ready to do the prep for Genny's arrival and enjoy the summer with her and Aaron
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is a moving machine! She is a just so busy all the time and pushing on my lungs and other organs!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not really
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn for certain, starting to pee all the time (way more than I normally do), breathing hard because she is pushing on my lungs as I walk around all the time
Belly button in or out? In - but pushing itself out
Wedding rings on or off? I keep trying to see if my wedding set will fit back on my hand - but I am swollen so it's always just a temporary thing. Pretty sure it will be awhile until they can go back on my hands - maybe the end of the summer or in the early fall
Happy or moody most of the time? this week has been both happy and sad. Happy for the end of the school year and kind of sad with the moving out of Bethany
Looking forward to: getting Genny's room painted and organized with all the wonderful supplies people have given us - that's part of the goal for the this week, at least sort out the piles of stuff so once it's all painted, we can just get it in there and set up!
Saturday, May 25, 2013
32 Weeks and 6 Days
Here we are at the end of the school year - one more day to go and I am on break! I cannot wait! I am ready to be off the schedule for awhile, being 8 months pregnant and on your feet all day is harsh on the legs and causing serious swollen feet at the end of the day. I have been rocking some flip flops which are even getting tight at the end of the day.
Now it's time to get ready for Genny's arrival! We are so excited to meet her after all this time. It feels like a 4 year pregnancy after all the years of trying and the treatments we went through. Our anticipation has just grown and grown.
How far along? 32 weeks and 6 days
Total weight gain: back up to 4 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight - the gestational diabetes makes it tough to gain weight because the diet is pretty restrictive
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants - at least I can start just wearing yoga pants to be comfy as opposed to being dressed up everyday
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows
Sleep: sleeping is something that happens for about 30-45 minute spurts at the night between waking up to get comfortable or to go to the bathroom
Best moment of the week: my 2 baby showers this week - one at the church and the other at school - the outpouring of love from everyone was absolutely amazing and overwhelming to say the least! And the end of the school year! It's been a good year but I am relieved to have it done with so I can just prep for the baby arrival
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is a moving machine! She is a just so busy all the time and pushing on my lungs and other organs!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not really
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn for certain, starting to pee all the time (way more than I normally do), breathing hard because she is pushing on my lungs as I walk around all the time
Belly button in or out? In - but pushing itself out
Wedding rings on or off? only wearing the stunt double rings at the moment - the hand swelling has returned with the increase in the temperature
Happy or moody most of the time? this week has been stressful with the end of the school year, but now that it's pretty well over with - there is a huge sense of relief.
Looking forward to: the very last day of school so I can just relax and get things organized and sorted out for the baby room - our garage has been overtaken by all the baby gifts and we need to sort out what we have some doubles of and what we still need to purchase for baby girl!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
31 Weeks 3 Days
31 weeks and nearly finished with school for the summer!! I can hardly wait to be done for the summer, I feel like we have so much to do in order to prepare for baby girl's arrival and it's too hard to do while still in school. I come home at the end of the day most days just wiped out as if I ran all day long. Now that she's getting bigger and pushing on my lungs, full breath is harder to get so I think that is a major contribution to it all. Less than 2 weeks to go until my only goal is setting up her room and organizing all her stuff.
Come on summer!
Come on summer!
How far along? 31 weeks and 3 days
Total weight gain: back up to 4 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows
Sleep: sleeping is a random event in my life, some days I am so tired but cannot sleep, some days I toss and turn all night with only dozing on and off - story of my whole pregnancy
Best moment of the week: Seeing Aaron's face as he watched my belly bounce around with her moving everywhere! It was priceless
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is getting more and more active but it quickly running out of room so her movements are more noticeable to me from both the inside and outside!
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope not really
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn due to her position, she sits very high and pushes up on my stomach, which causes the acid to be pushing up.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are temporarily on my hand right now, my hand swelling has gone down enough to wear them for the first time since January. However, I know that with the summer coming, I am sure that's going to change and I will be back to wearing the stunt double rings again
Happy or moody most of the time? this week has been an up and down emotional week with Mother's Day happening.
Looking forward to: to our next shower with Aaron's church and family on Sunday! I can't wait to see what cute gifts we get for it!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day
Mother's Day was an interesting holiday for me this year. It was conflicting emotionally and was kind of a tough day mixed with the anticipation of becoming a mother.
The tough part: missing my mom.
This was the first Mother's Day without my mom - we are quickly approaching the 1st anniversary of her passing and I dread the day whole-heartedly. Not having her around to talk to about my life in general, but especially on Mother's Day. It was tough not to talk to her on this day. I miss her constantly and have a million questions I wish I could ask her about being a mom. It's a confliction for me - I miss her and wish to talk to her again about everything. I did really well for most of the day, didn't cry or feel sad until the very end of the day. Then I was just sitting there crying without being able to stop for a good 20 minutes.
The celebration part: celebrating motherhood
I was fortunate enough to have a husband and mother-in-law who recognized the day for me as a mother-to-be. They both gave me a card with warm thoughts for becoming a mother. It was very sweet and unexpected. We took my mother-in-law out to lunch and spent the time with her. When we came home, I spent the evening sorting through baby clothes that were given to me. There were so many clothes, I am passing them out to 2 friends who are also having baby girls right around the same time as we are expecting.
__________________________
While I know my mom is always with me, I just wish I could see her and talk to her again. I know she would be going crazy with buying items for the baby and just being so wrapped up in the new addition to our family. I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law who recognizes this and does her very best to make sure she includes thoughts for my mom.
I know that it will be a tough part to the birth without her there waiting so impatiently for Genny's birth - she will be there in spirit but man, it will be a little sadness included with the happiness and joy of the day.
The tough part: missing my mom.
This was the first Mother's Day without my mom - we are quickly approaching the 1st anniversary of her passing and I dread the day whole-heartedly. Not having her around to talk to about my life in general, but especially on Mother's Day. It was tough not to talk to her on this day. I miss her constantly and have a million questions I wish I could ask her about being a mom. It's a confliction for me - I miss her and wish to talk to her again about everything. I did really well for most of the day, didn't cry or feel sad until the very end of the day. Then I was just sitting there crying without being able to stop for a good 20 minutes.
The celebration part: celebrating motherhood
I was fortunate enough to have a husband and mother-in-law who recognized the day for me as a mother-to-be. They both gave me a card with warm thoughts for becoming a mother. It was very sweet and unexpected. We took my mother-in-law out to lunch and spent the time with her. When we came home, I spent the evening sorting through baby clothes that were given to me. There were so many clothes, I am passing them out to 2 friends who are also having baby girls right around the same time as we are expecting.
__________________________
While I know my mom is always with me, I just wish I could see her and talk to her again. I know she would be going crazy with buying items for the baby and just being so wrapped up in the new addition to our family. I am fortunate enough to have a mother-in-law who recognizes this and does her very best to make sure she includes thoughts for my mom.
I know that it will be a tough part to the birth without her there waiting so impatiently for Genny's birth - she will be there in spirit but man, it will be a little sadness included with the happiness and joy of the day.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
30 weeks 3 days
30 weeks! We are in the single digit weeks from this point forward and she will be here before we know it. It's all very exciting stuff!
How far along? 30 weeks and 3 days
Total weight gain: back up to 4 pounds since pre-pregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? I have a few new ones on my stomach as she grows
Sleep: sleeping has become a pillow mountain
Best moment of the week: Reaching the 30 point mark and hitting the single digit weeks until she's here - it's very exciting and somewhat nerve-wrecking
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she has flipped so she is head down now, which means when she kicks, I get it to the lungs and stomach. This makes for very interesting walks around the building
Anything making you queasy or sick: Random queasy feeling that comes and goes - kind of reminds me of the first trimester
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn due to her position, she sits very high and pushes up on my stomach, which causes the acid to be pushing up.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are on a chain around my neck now, they only fit to my knuckle. I found a decent (although not real) replacement to wear so I don't have a bare hand which is very strange after wearing a ring for so long
Happy or moody most of the time? this week has been an allergy-fest, which is not pregnancy related but very frustrating just the same
Looking forward to: the all-day birthing class this weekend where we get the tour of the hospital as well as get pre-registered for the birth
Thursday, May 2, 2013
29 weeks and 4 days
Had my first ultrasound since being diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I was very nervous about this because this diet is tough and somedays I don't do as well as I could, so I was worried that it was going to be affecting the baby too quickly. Thankfully, things were good. Her growth is still very normal - she's in the 56th percentile for weight/growth, which is perfectly were we want her to be. She is now 3.6 pounds and the fluid level is perfect. This was a huge relief to me. The ultrasound tech said she was doing great and we would go back in 4 weeks for another check up.
The weekly update:
The weekly update:
How far along? 29 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain: was up to 4 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight, but lost a pound - so back down to 3 pounds. This GD diet makes weight gain tough.
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? Pretty sure that I have some new ones as my stomach grows
Sleep: sleeping has become a pillow mountain - having the extra support of all the pillows while I am trying to get myself comfortable
Best moment of the week: The baby shower BBQ with all of our friends - it was amazing!
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is moving machine - constantly on the move, especially after meals and about 2:30 am. She wakes up and squirms around tons and tons
Anything making you queasy or sick: Random queasy feeling that comes and goes - kind of reminds me of the first trimester
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn due to her position, she sits very high and pushes up on my stomach, which causes the acid to be pushing up.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are on a chain around my neck now, they only fit to my knuckle. I found a decent (although not real) replacement to wear so I don't have a bare hand which is very strange after wearing a ring for so long
Happy or moody most of the time? now that all of my Master's work is done, I am so relieved. Now I can just turn my attention to getting set up for baby girl :-)
Looking forward to: organizing and sorting out her things for her room
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
28 Weeks and 3 days
We have hit the 7 month mark! Last trimester, here we are :-)
The adjustment to the GD (gestational diabetes) diagnosis has not been an easy one. I went to the OB for my now every 2 weeks appointment and we talked about the blood sugar numbers I have been getting. They are okay, not awesome but I am working on it. I think the biggest adjustment is that I have been pushing water as my fluids every day. I have a cup at school that is a 24 oz cup and I try to drink at least 4 of those everyday. However, water has no flavor for me so it makes me struggle to drink it - thank goodness for the Crystal Light squeezable flavorings, they make it much more tolerable to make myself drink.
The adjustment to the GD (gestational diabetes) diagnosis has not been an easy one. I went to the OB for my now every 2 weeks appointment and we talked about the blood sugar numbers I have been getting. They are okay, not awesome but I am working on it. I think the biggest adjustment is that I have been pushing water as my fluids every day. I have a cup at school that is a 24 oz cup and I try to drink at least 4 of those everyday. However, water has no flavor for me so it makes me struggle to drink it - thank goodness for the Crystal Light squeezable flavorings, they make it much more tolerable to make myself drink.
How far along? 28 weeks and 3 days
Total weight gain: was up to 4 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight, but lost a pound - so back down to 3 pounds. This GD diet makes weight gain tough.
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? Pretty sure that I have some new ones as my stomach grows
Sleep: sleeping has become a pillow mountain - having the extra support of all the pillows while I am trying to get myself comfortable
Best moment of the week: Finishing my Master's final research paper and submitting it for final edits from my professor! That has been my life for the last few weeks and I am relieved to have it done minus the edits I will have to make
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is moving machine - constantly on the move, especially after meals and about 2:30 am. She wakes up and squirms around tons and tons
Anything making you queasy or sick: Random queasy feeling that comes and goes - kind of reminds me of the first trimester
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn due to her position, she sits very high and pushes up on my stomach, which causes the acid to be pushing up.
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are on a chain around my neck now, they only fit to my knuckle. I found a decent (although not real) replacement to wear so I don't have a bare hand which is very strange after wearing a ring for so long
Happy or moody most of the time? this week has been pretty good, I am waiting for the end of the week so I can see my friends who are coming in for the fun this weekend!
Looking forward to: the awesome baby shower BBQ that is planned for this weekend with our friends and family - we are so looking forward to the fun and seeing everyone!!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
27 Weeks and 4 days - gestational diabetes diagnosis
Well the results of the dreaded 3 hour glucose test are in and I have developed gestational diabetes. It wasn't a surprise just not what I was hoping for through this pregnancy. I was really hoping to sneak in under the wire so I didn't develop it but apparently that is not the case.
I went to diabetes nurse and went through the orientation, received my testing meter, and sat through an hour long discussion of my new eating habits. Ugh...pretty restrictive :-(
I am not a fan of the pricking my finger 4 times a day, I am not a fan of writing down all my sugar levels, and truthfully, I miss some of the food :-( Yes, I know it's for the best and I am working on it, it's a tough transition but I am getting better. I have to report my blood sugars to the OB as we monitor this whole process.
Things that I have learned so far:
1. 26-34 weeks the glucose levels are critical to be monitored closely and kept under control - this is when the baby has the most growth happening and the excess sugar can cause them to grow too fast without being fully prepared to do so.
2. I will monitored very closely from this point forward to make sure baby girl isn't growing too quickly with the excess sugar. That means more doctor appointments and ultrasounds to measure her growth to make sure that it's not getting out of hand.
3. I am now considered a high risk pregnancy due to this because of needing the additional monitoring.
4. I will most likely not go until my due date because babies with gestational diabetes grow so quickly.
5. Increased chances of c-section birth - again due to the larger size these babies tend to be
6. I have increased chances of having the gestational diabetes turn into Type 2 diabetes after she is born so I will be monitored after the birth to see if my sugars return to the normal range. This is kind of scary and I really hope this doesn't happen.
7. The amount of carbohydrates they want me to eat everyday is very restrictive and specific to carbohydrates are going to be used quickly and not stored so it won't pass to the baby.
Weekly update time:
I went to diabetes nurse and went through the orientation, received my testing meter, and sat through an hour long discussion of my new eating habits. Ugh...pretty restrictive :-(
I am not a fan of the pricking my finger 4 times a day, I am not a fan of writing down all my sugar levels, and truthfully, I miss some of the food :-( Yes, I know it's for the best and I am working on it, it's a tough transition but I am getting better. I have to report my blood sugars to the OB as we monitor this whole process.
Things that I have learned so far:
1. 26-34 weeks the glucose levels are critical to be monitored closely and kept under control - this is when the baby has the most growth happening and the excess sugar can cause them to grow too fast without being fully prepared to do so.
2. I will monitored very closely from this point forward to make sure baby girl isn't growing too quickly with the excess sugar. That means more doctor appointments and ultrasounds to measure her growth to make sure that it's not getting out of hand.
3. I am now considered a high risk pregnancy due to this because of needing the additional monitoring.
4. I will most likely not go until my due date because babies with gestational diabetes grow so quickly.
5. Increased chances of c-section birth - again due to the larger size these babies tend to be
6. I have increased chances of having the gestational diabetes turn into Type 2 diabetes after she is born so I will be monitored after the birth to see if my sugars return to the normal range. This is kind of scary and I really hope this doesn't happen.
7. The amount of carbohydrates they want me to eat everyday is very restrictive and specific to carbohydrates are going to be used quickly and not stored so it won't pass to the baby.
Weekly update time:
How far along? 27 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain: a total of 4 pounds so far - but that will become even slower with the adjustment to the new eating habits
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? Pretty sure that I have some new ones as my stomach grows
Sleep: sleeping has become a challenge - I have hit the point where almost no position is comfortable to sleep so I am up quite often and it's tough to fall back asleep.
Best moment of the week: Been a rough week with stomach flu
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is moving machine - constantly on the move, especially after meals
Anything making you queasy or sick: Random queasy feeling that comes and goes - kind of reminds me of the first trimester
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn (holy fire!), hip/sciatic nerve pain (hoping to get it better with this trips to the chiropractor), not sleeping so well
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are on a chain around my neck now, they only fit to my knuckle. I found a decent (although not real) replacement to wear so I don't have a bare hand which is very strange after wearing a ring for so long
Happy or moody most of the time? this week was tough because I came down with a viral stomach flu - it caused me to be dehydrated and have a few contractions. This sent me to the hospital for fluids and monitoring of the baby. I am going to go with sad for this week.
Looking forward to: no longer having the flu - it's miserable
Thursday, April 11, 2013
26 weeks 4 days
26 weeks all ready! Almost to the 3rd trimester and moving along quickly! :-)
How far along? 26 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain: 2 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight and dr wants me to gain some weight - not as easy as it sounds because I have been trying and am only 2 pounds to show for it.
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? Pretty sure that I have some new ones as my stomach grows
Sleep: sleeping = this is getting more and more short-term, I will sleep for an hour or two at a time before go to roll over and cannot do it very well so it wakes me up
Best moment of the week: not really had one yet - maybe this weekend
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is moving machine - constantly on the move, especially after meals
Anything making you queasy or sick: Random queasy feeling that comes and goes - kind of reminds me of the first trimester
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn (holy fire!), hip/sciatic nerve pain (hoping to get it better with this trips to the chiropractor), not sleeping so well
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are on a chain around my neck now, they only fit to my knuckle. I found a decent (although not real) replacement to wear so I don't have a bare hand which is very strange after wearing a ring for so long
Happy or moody most of the time? lately is a flip-flop between happy and sad.
Looking forward to: the 3d ultrasound I have set up for 2 weeks from now
Thursday, April 4, 2013
25 weeks 4 days
Here we are nearly 6 1/2 months into this pregnancy and going strong!
How far along? 25 weeks and 4 days
Total weight gain: well I was surprised at the dr appointment this week - I lost a pound so I am officially only at 2 pound weight gain since pre-pregnancy weight. I am on dr order's to gain the pound I lost before my next appointment
Maternity clothes? that's what I am fitting into right now, all maternity pants
Stretch marks? Pretty sure that I have some new ones as my stomach grows
Sleep: sleeping = this is getting more and more short-term, I will sleep for an hour or two at a time before go to roll over and cannot do it very well so it wakes me up
Best moment of the week: Seeing baby girl's face on the ultrasound this week
Miss anything? Not really
Movement: she is getting more and more active as she is losing space
Anything making you queasy or sick: Random queasy feeling that comes and goes - kind of reminds me of the first trimester
Gender prediction: definitely a girl
Labor signs: Nope
Symptoms: heartburn (holy fire!), hip/sciatic nerve pain (hoping to get it better with this trips to the chiropractor), not sleeping so well
Belly button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? they are on a chain around my neck now, they only fit to my knuckle. I found a decent (although not real) replacement to wear so I don't have a bare hand which is very strange after wearing a ring for so long
Happy or moody most of the time? lately is a flip-flop between happy and sad.
Looking forward to: the end of the school year!
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