Short Update

We had an AMAZING time in Vegas. I will post more information and some pictures as soon as we get somewhat settled from the trip - you know, unpacking, etc.

I had to come into school to return my school laptop, so I decided to get some work done in my classroom in case we are able to be successful with IVF and then I shouldn't be moving stuff. It's not too bad right now, it's quiet and I can get work done.

I hope everyone had an amazing 3 day weekend!

Last Day of School

Today is the last official day of school.

It is an awesome day in terms of being done with all this in order get to some much needed relaxation of the summer! The last few weeks of school, for someone who is not in education, are the equivalent of torture for both students and staff. The kids want out, the teachers want out, and it's a power struggle through the last day to get anything accomplished.

We head out tomorrow night to vacation in Vegas for the weekend and it could not be coming quickly enough in some respects because we are both so stressed and tired of the day-to-day stresses. Getting to a new environment for a few days, just the two of us will be amazing. We have not had any kind of time like this since our honeymoon nearly 2 years ago and with all the TTC stuff, we need it. I want to go be without the stress of TTC, without the stress of teaching, and without the stress of graduate classes for a few days to recharge my batteries to it all.

We have our IVF discussion appointment next week and we are ready to get going all ready. I have finished up this month's Femara to at least keep me regulated until we can do the IVF (thank goodness, my RE allowed me to do that or who knows how long it would be until we could get started - no ovulation on my own means no period, which then leads to IVF starting = not okay with us to have to wait that long.) We are ready to get in there and find out exactly what the deal is because I am pretty sure we have it built up more in our heads than it will be in reality. I am definitely one of those people who make it worse in my own head - I am a jump to the bad conclusions first kind of people. What we are hoping is that we will be able to get a good amount of viable eggs and be able to get a couple of transfers from the same batch (so to speak) to help with the giving myself injections thing. The less I have to do that, the happier I will be!

Not going to be sad today

I refuse to be sad today - my period is here in full force and I have a call into the specialist to see what the next steps are going to be specifically for the next month.

I will not cry, I will not scream, I will not allow myself to be angry when all of this has brought us to the next step that will give us our best chances of being a family.

Maybe if I keep telling myself this over and over today - I can will it into the truth of how I feel.

100th post

I was looking at my blog today and realized I was 1 away from a 100 posts. I know this is not a huge milestone, but it kind of is for me. I also thought that I don't want the 100th post I put up to be about how sad I feel or frustrated, I am doing something different: 100 facts about me.

1. I was supposed to be a Christmas baby, but was born a month early
2. I am the youngest of 4 kids by mother and 4 kids by my father - confused?? Each of my parents had 2 kids when they married then had my brother and me. I technically have 3 older sisters and 2 older brothers, we all just don't share the same parents
3. My middle name Nicole comes from the doctor who fought to save my mom and me while she was pregnant - through blood clots and many other things
4. I contracted bacterial meningitis as a small baby and live in the NICU for weeks, I nearly died multiple times
5. I was born on the way south side of Chicago - Palos Heights
6. We moved to where I call home when I was 5 - Round Lake Beach, Illinois
7. We had a parakeet named Prince because my sister was obsessed with Purple Rain
8. I had my first kiss in Kindergarten and I smacked the boy who did it
9. I used to kick the wall in my sleep, so my mom put a pillow between my knees to keep me from hurting myself
10. I used to have the worst dream that T-Rex was coming around the side of my house and looking in my window at me while I was sleeping
11. I was afraid of thunderstorms until I was 9
12. I loved playing floor hockey with my siblings and cousins in my gram's basement
13. I have been to Disney 2 times - once at 4 and again at 6
14. I had the WORST hair ever in middle school - curly and growing out, but it grew out before it grew down - yup I rocked a white kid fro
15. I played soccer as a kid but always wished it was volleyball instead
16. I went to sleep away camp for 3 summers in a row and it was amazing
17. I am an excellent swimmer - I was always top in my class for speed and technique as a child, then competed for 2 years from middle school into high school
18. I have always hated the way I look in a swim suit - even when I was skinnier
19. I took French for 4 years in high school and 1 advanced conversational level in college
20. I hate math - period.
21. My freckles come out more when I have a tan
22. My favorite subjects in high school were social studies and English
23. I was copy editor of my year book as a junior then assistant editor as a senior
24. My first serious boyfriend was a year and a half long
25. I was dumped at my senior prom by first serious boyfriend
26. My best friend in high school was a guy - I miss him since we don't talk much
27. My first car was when I was 18 and it had 174,000 miles on it when I bought it from my brother
28. The summer between freshman and sophomore years of college I ran a day camp for kids with special needs
29. I have a bowling ball in my favorite color with my initials on it that I received as a Christmas present from a boyfriend
30. I loved working at Walgreens both the corporate and stores, lots of fun
31. Working at Target frustrated me because my manager was a jerk to college kids on Christmas break
32. My hair is naturally curly but it has relaxed tremendously over the years
33. I belong to the best sorority anyone could be a part of - Alpha Xi Delta
34. Some of my best friends are sorority sisters still today
35. I loved college more than high school
36. I went to Australia and New Zealand for 3 weeks in 1995 with People to People Student Ambassadors (a branch of Peace Corps) and was one of only 30 kids in my county to be selected - I was 14
37. I barely did homework in high school - except math
38. I had amazing professors in college who inspired me - from all subject areas
39. My mom and I went on a trip to China in 2001 - it was amazing
40. I have visited at least 15 states in the USA
41. I spend way too much money on my classroom every year even though I say I won't
42. I sometimes miss Chicago and the fun stuff to do downtown
43. My hair was once a purple color in college because I was bored with it
44. I have 6 holes pierced in each ear - but have let 3 top ones close up
45. I suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time
46. I love being a special ed teacher - but not when I was a middle school special ed teacher, I wanted to quit teaching
47. I am not a good person to get out of bed, but once I am up, I am good
48. I dislike mayo - it tastes nasty
49. Soft cheeses make my stomach ache - I avoid them like the plague
50. I spent part of high school being completely lactose intolerant - no dairy at all
51. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 17 and it was miserable
52. My gram is one of the only reasons I survived through college - she's the best!
53. I have issues with cell phones - they don't like me and I have to have them replaced
54. I had 3 cars in 2 years because they had so many issues
55. Moving to the St. Louis area was the best thing I have done in my life
56. I love that I have rekindled friendships from years ago living here
57. I collect pens at work - I love lots of options of colors and hardly write in the same color on multiple days in a row
58. I color code my folders at work with my folders that I keep assignments in to help me be organized
59. My desk is organized chaos at work
60. I live about 5 minutes away from school
61. I love that I now drive a "family car" - it's pretty awesome compared to my tiny little compact I used to drive
62. I hate redundancy
63. I hate redundancy
64. Sometimes I feel like a bad wife/friend/daughter/etc for no apparent reason - just feel like I could be doing more to help
65. I love to cook and have about 25 cookbooks
66. I am not good at baking
67. I miss my puppy from when I was younger - Snickers, he was the best dog
68. I love cooking shows on Food Network and the Cooking Channel
69. Criminal Minds and Law and Order: Criminal Intent are two of my favorite shows
70. My favorite color is purple
71. My honeymoon to St. Maarten was one of the most relaxing and fun vacations I have ever been on
72. Sleeping late is not something I do well
73. I tend to skip breakfast - but I am working on it
74. I carry too much debt
75. The Princess Bride and Ever After are 2 of my favorite movies
76. I still watch kids shows
77. I received my Master's Degree in Educational Technology with a 4.0 GPA in 2008
78. I enjoy taking classes to learn more - I never want to be a stationary person in learning
79. My husband is the best person in the world for putting up with me
80. Meeting him was a complete and total curve ball of fate that I am grateful for eveyday
81. Someday we will retire and travel the world together
82. I think we will be great parents when it happens for us
83. I married into a really awesome family
84. My mother-in-law and I get along very well
85. I have 2 furry kitten babies - Kibbles who is 8 (not technically a kitten but I still see her that way) and Maho who is 1
86. I love football and we watch every Sunday during the football season
87. I admit - I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, even though they have been really bad lately
88. I can swear with the best truck driver's around when I really get rolling
89. My voice carries loudly even when I don't mean it too
90. I HATE flossing my teeth - ick
91. I am awesome at Bejeweled Blitz and have scored over 900,000 in one minute
92. I love taking fun snapshots of my friends to remember fun times
93. I wish I had musical talent - but I don't
94. I don't like Brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, or cooked spinach (I do like raw spinach in salads though)
95. French toast is my favorite breakfast food
96. I could never give up Sprite as my soda of choice, it's my favorite
97. I do not get hangovers no matter how much alcohol I consume and it drives my husband crazy
98. I am terrible artist
99. I want to be a mother more than anything after 19 months of trying
100. Aaron and I are a great team - even when stuff is really hard, he is the best support in the world

90% sure we are moving on

After another couple of days of really promising temps - then this morning on 12 dpo (which is typical for a month where my period is going to show up) a drop. Take that with a negative test again and we are pretty sure we are moving on.

We have an appointment to discuss IVF on June 1 and I am glad we all ready set it up because we will need it.

All I have to say is...

DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Well the testing begins - yes I know it's early but I don't care

I confess that I tested this morning.   

However, I used the internet cheapie tests that are only about $4 for 20, instead of going into debt to do this. I am cheap when it comes to this stuff because we have spent so much money through the last 19 months. After all this time, I refuse to pay the prices in the stores unless I have to, I would much rather spend less money and have many more options to test - even though they are not really accurate at 8 days past ovulation.

Hell, I may start couponing just to manage the medical bills coming in for the procedures (stupid insurance deductibles and co-pays). This is an incredible business that that is thoroughly profiting from women who are desperate for the positive, they are willing to sign over their 401(k) in order to have the family. I can't imagine at this point how much more money I would have in my checking account if I had done this all the time we have been trying, using the internet cheapies. It's sad and makes me sad for my checkbook.

I just want to know and I don't care if it's too early. I have come to a point where I just don't care about waiting any more because I am ready to know if I can move on to IVF or not.

I know, I know, I know...statistically, 8 days past ovulation is WAY too early to test.

It's only approximately 69% accurate at this point.

Seriously, this is what the commercials are pushing??? 

This is a great marketing scheme - you can know sooner, so why not buy it? The thing is women are not reading the information insert that comes with the test that shows the true level of accuracy of the testing. I think if more people would read that, those tests would stop flying off the shelves because it's not that accurate.

This is the 6 days sooner idea but really it's about as accurate as flipping a coin or just guessing yourself. Let's go out and spend approximately $12 for 2 tests that are as accurate as reaching in your purse, getting a coin, and flipping it. If you flip it enough, you may get your positive. Wouldn't that be cheaper than spending all that money??

Man people are suckers, myself included. I am in the wrong profession.

A meltdown the day after - a reflection

I was doing so well with Mother's Day yesterday until about 9:30 pm when something hit me like a ton of bricks and down, down I went. This one was rougher than many of the other ones I have been having recently.

A meltdown - no let me rephrase that, a HUGE MELTDOWN.

I sat on my bathroom floor for a good hour and just cried. Why the bathroom? When I get that upset, I tend to get sick to my stomach - bordering on a panic attack. I went in there so I wouldn't have to try to run to make it if I felt the urge to throw up. I did throw up, but only a little - the feeling passed quickly.

Aaron followed me in to see if I was all right and we sat on the floor to talk for almost an hour.

I confessed to him that I felt just awful after the appointment last week when we found out his numbers were so strong. I told him it just highlighted to my brain where the problem is - me. And even though I know that I can't change me, I still felt very much to blame. To blame for all the stress and strain we have gone through in the past 19 months and to blame for the way things haven't worked month after month.

I confessed that I cry nearly everyday when it sneaks into my brain, usually after Aaron leaves in the morning but before I head out to school for the day. I cry because I am sad, I am sad everyday about this journey and I want it to be done. I am sad for the way it has invaded the rest of my life. There is not a part of my life that has not been sincerely affected by this and I hate it.

I want my life back - I want to be happy again. I had to make sure Aaron understood when I said that, I wasn't referring to being happy with him. He is the bright spot in my day and I look forward to spending time with him.

I just want to be able to smile easily and laugh hard. I want to not be consumed by all the "what ifs?" that go with TTC everyday. I want to feel like me again - not some hormone-crazed person who feels like she is running in circles more than moving forward. I want to stop seeing that look on his face when I am crying and he wants desperately to make me feel better but can't.

This meltdown was hard and when I was done - I crawled into bed and just crashed for the night. I am not sure I even moved too much throughout the night because I was just physically and emotionally exhausted.

9 days until we find out what the next step will be - pregnancy or IVF and it feels like 9 years instead.

Wishful thinking on Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who has any kind of interaction with a child/animal/etc that needs love and to be nurtured. This day is for you.

Does it make me sad that I don't have a little one to celebrate the day with aside from my fantastic furry kittens and my wonderful husband? The answer of a person who isn't letting it bother them would be - nope, not sad at all. Me on the other hand, am sad today but I am working on it.

When we started our journey to being parents all those months ago, we had no idea how long it was all going to take and now 2 Mother's Days have passed since we started and that's just a little saddening. No, it's not the end of the world. However, we took a moment today to allow ourselves to be sad about it because it was the right thing for us to do.

When you want to be a parent, waiting just through the pregnancy seems like it will never end. Then add in all the waiting game we have gone through so far and we are talking about a serious amount of time.

We are hopeful but nervous about this cycle, we still have days to go before we will know what's going on. That's hard to deal with today. I would much rather be celebrating that we are off this part of the ride and onto the next part of the journey. It's about time we have the start of our dream isn't it? I can't wait until we can celebrate that - it's long overdue.

Negativity anyone??

I feel so down right now - just negative and not feeling this month. I wish that I felt differently or knew what brought it on. Last night, I was lying on the bed watching TV and chilling out when I was just hit with a wall of sadness and down-feeling. Why? I have no idea. But, I have to say that I am not a fan of it at all and I want it to go away. I don't have anything to be sad about really aside from the general fear that this IUI won't work and we will have to move on to more intensive fertility treatments. That's all I have to be sad about and normally, I can just push that to the side since we are still 2 weeks from finding out if it worked and usually I don't hit this point until about 5 days beforehand. Why now??? I don't want to spend the next 2 weeks feeling like this - get out stupid thoughts!! I don't like you and you are not welcome!

Tonight, I am going out with some good friends to have some Mexican food (they will have margaritas, I will be drinking Sprite - darn people who get to drunk on Cinco de Mayo and I have to be the designated driver) and I hope it helps me shake this feeling today. I am going to see if I can cram some other fun stuff into this 2 week wait to help the time pass faster. I like to be busy sometimes because then I don't have too much extra time to think. I don't want to think too much...it's bad for the brain.

3rd time's a charm?

I can't tell you how many times people have said this to me when they found out we were preparing for our 3rd IUI. I know these old sayings are supposed to be in order to help deal with the stress someone can feel. I wish I had that kind of confidence. I am not sure why this cycle feels so different all ready for me, I can barely find the motivation to get into it and I wish I knew why. I want it to work, but I can't bring myself to get really excited about it even though I do want to be excited.

This morning went really well, no complications or difficulties like last time. The nurse was able to get it right away, the whole thing lasted about 2 minutes total. We now have 2 weeks until we find out. I am calling tomorrow to get our appointment set up in case this doesn't work and we are sitting down with the RE to talk about moving on to IVF.We just want to have all our bases covered, we can always cancel our appointment if we get good news in 2 weeks. I am hoping for a Murphy's Law kind of thing - you know, schedule the appointment and that will make this one work kind of thing? I don't really believe any of that

Aaron's #s were amazing today - 38 million before washing and they were thrilled with the #s he was showing as we have done this process (1st month was 26 million and last month was 88 million) they want anything over 10 million before the washing and we more than covered that amount. This is kind of a double-edged thing to me - so his #s are great even after they did the washing and that means the problem comes from me. While I am happy it's not both of us because that's a whole different set of issues and strains, at the same time it makes me feel more to blame.

YES, I know I am not to blame. This is the way I was born, there is nothing I could do differently to make myself different and able to be an active contributor to the process without medical interventions. I am doing everything I can and the doctors are helping us as much as possible. But it's still a painful realization. HOWEVER, knowing I am not to blame and feeling like I am not to blame are not the same thing.

Aaron never makes me feel as though it my fault that we are going through this, he says it's what we are going through and he has never blamed me. I will be forever grateful for that because that would be an extraordinary level of pain added to what I all ready feel on any given day. He started dating me knowing this was an option in our future - we had this conversation when we were only dating a few weeks because I knew I could never go through someone looking at me differently due to the infertility as I had in the past. But hearing it then and knowing it with all the specifics are different things completely. He could be angry at me or treat me differently because of the medical issues...but he never does. I am so grateful for that.

Here we go

I woke up this morning and here is what I saw:

So that means tomorrow is the final IUI. It's nerve-wrecking and exciting all at the same time. I really hope this one is the one that works. Aaron and I haven't really been able to do our part recently due to a whole bunch of reasons, so we are going to "get on it" tonight before we head in tomorrow morning.

It's weird but both of us have not had much interest in our time this month, but I am not really sure why. Maybe it's because we know it's the last one, maybe because we know moving on to IVF is a much better % of success...maybe it's just a month where we are tired of it all - the whole fertility issues thing that has been weighing on us. I am not sure, but it's been a struggle to get into this month for both of us.

I am just ready to move on to whatever at this point

Gearing up again...3rd IUI and final month before IVF

Here we go again.

I should be getting a + OPT either later today or tomorrow and that means that we heading in for our 3rd and final IUI.

I am ready to go and get moving all ready. We are ready to move on if that's what's in store for us, we are ready to be pregnant if that's what's in store for us. We have made our peace with having to move to IVF if needed and are gearing up for it.

Unfortunately, it pushes us into 2012 before the baby would be due and that's going to be tough. We have me covered by both insurances (mine and Aaron's) and we will be starting over with our deductibles, which means it will be more out of pocket than it would be if we were able to get it done in this year. That part kind of stinks, but at least it will be covered pretty well.

Thank you - these words are not enough to say how I feel today.

I have received so much positive feedback and thoughts on my blog - I was in tears reading some people's thoughts because it was amazing to hear.

When I started writing this, I wasn't sure I was going to share it with anyone aside from some close family members. I wasn't sure I wanted everyone to have a window into my emotions and struggles - it is difficult to open yourself up to the outside like this and particularly for me. I am a private person about many things, those things closest to my heart usually stay there except for the few people whom I choose to let in. I have been told that repeatedly by former friends and relationships - I tend to close people out when I am protecting something, build a wall, shut the door, etc. I think it goes back to the sense of losing myself again. I have been scarred (physically and emotionally) by allowing people into that center of me in my past and it has greatly affected me.

When you have been violated this way by people you "thought" were ones to trust, it changes you. I changed all those years ago when I was still a young woman by those experiences and honestly, the woman I am now is a direct reflection of that pain. It's not a bad thing 100% or a good thing 100% - I would say on a good day my past is 49% bad influence 51% good influence. Depending on the hormone level that definitely switches up and down.

So why would I choose to share my inner thoughts and feelings on one of the most sensitive and emotional things you can go through? I have been asked this question by a few of my friends and family over the last year - honestly, I don't have a good answer. I have asked myself this a 1000 times maybe because it is so hard I wanted to overcome something that has plagued me for a better part of 10 years (my painful experiences happened when I was 19 and are more than I can share here, even now.) I "think" I wanted to try to work past this and that's when I went on blogger and started this up.

It started out as a place for me to get out what I couldn't put into verbal words ("if I don't say out loud, it's not true" kind of thing - maybe?) but as time went on, I discovered something pretty remarkable. I looked forward to sitting down and getting out how I was feeling because I knew I had a safe place to put the thoughts/anger/sadness and could tell people about it or not. At least it was not sitting on my heart and mind weighing me down as though I were sinking into the deepest part of the ocean. Cliche I know, but hey what do you expect?

Then something else amazing happened - people took an interest in what I had to say. I was floored. I was always so afraid of letting people in and here they were commenting or emailing me telling how amazing my blog was to them. WHAT??? I couldn't believe it and even now, it's so strange to me that people want to read what I write.

I never could have imagined what this blog would do for me. It has now been featured on the RESOLVE (National Fertility Awareness organization) site and has people reading it and commenting all the time. I have been asked by several people if I ever considered turning into a book because they enjoyed it so much (seriously??? Me?? I am just a teacher who is struggling, I am not an author, I just write what I feel when I feel it.) I have people write me and tell me how this has inspired them to be more open about their struggles. All of this because I took a chance and made my struggle public. I am truly humbled and at a loss for words (despite the long post to the contrary).

Thank you.

There need to be new words to express gratitude and appreciation for all the support we receive everyday of this journey. The English language needs a new intensity for these two words - the thesaurus doesn't have a strong enough word to really express these emotions aside from.

THANK YOU. 

Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on.

Thank you for taking an interest in me.

Thank you for sharing in this long and winding journey.

Thank you for caring.

AND, most importantly...

Thank you for allowing me to fight back by giving me strength.

NIAW: Myth: A higher-power is telling you that you should not be a parent. - BUSTED!!

I am taking the NIAW challenge to write a blog during this week to bust an infertility myth, here is the rationale behind it: get people to talk about infertility during National Infertility Awareness Week®, April 24-April 30, 2011.  “Bust a Infertility Myth Blog Challenge” is brought to you by RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility.

My myth I chose to bust in my blog this week is one I was thinking about long before I knew about the blog challenge: A higher-power is telling you that you should not be a parent.

First, let's talk about how absolutely freaking mean this statement is to a person of any level of spirituality in any part of their journey. I mean seriously people???? I have to admit that I have heard this myself in my journey and it devastated me. Why don't you just tell them their mother/father/puppy/favorite childhood friend just got hit by a semi-truck which was then blown away by a tornado?? Wouldn't that be more humane than saying something hits you in the stomach like a punch and stop you in your tracks? People have the best of intentions when trying to be supportive, but as I have stated previously, saying nothing means more than a statement that cuts to the deepest parts of people. When I heard this, it felt like I was being stabbed from the inside repeatedly.

Second, why in the world would someone decide this is a socially acceptable thing to say to someone??? When did it become normal behavior for someone to take one of the most personal and painful subjects and say something so unbelievably out of line without knowing ANY information?? I must have missed that day in school when they passed out the jerk pills for people to take and I am personally glad I missed it. I would never in my life say something to someone like that. Good grief people, are you parents aware of what kind of person they raised?? The old saying of "Think before you speak" seems to have lost some of its shine. I am the first person to admit that I can put my foot in my mouth because I am often guilty of the "open mouth, insert foot" reality. However, one thing I have noticed about myself as we go through this journey is how much more concerned I am about other people's feelings. Usually I am just a say you want need to say person, but of all the changes that this has brought to me - I think I will keep this one...be considerate.

Third, who are you to judge my higher-power and their plan for me? Last time I checked you were not the one in charge of what gets to be parents and who doesn't. I have struggled with my own spirituality for a majority of my life - it's no one's fault but my own. I have read the Bible, attended church, talked with religious leaders, participated in church events, etc. But does this make me a religious person? My answer is no...I am spiritual person. I have come to believe that all of these struggles I am facing, all of the pain Aaron and I go through day after day is going to be worth it in the end because I believe there is a purpose to it all. My higher-power has a plan and it includes having to struggle through many difficult times in my life to come to great things.

"Problems are the price you pay for progress." II Corinthians
"There are some defeats more triumphant than victories." Michel de Montaigne

Give me a break people, infertility isn't a punishment for a lack of spirituality or religious belief. It is a medical condition that does not discriminate in its location - it's happening all around the world by couples of all socioeconomic status. It is not about who deserves a baby and who doesn't. It's not about who believes in a god and who doesn't. It's not about being "worthy" or "not worthy." Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system.  It does not discriminate and affects all races, religions, men and women equally and people all over the world. According to the RESOLVE website, "Whether or not you resolve your infertility journey by choosing to become a parent is a function of your determination and not a higher-power. Parenthood is attainable, if that is truly your goal.  You may or may not be fortunate enough to have a biological connection to your child, but if you want the experience of being a parent, you can achieve that dream."

I did this post as part of the RESOLVE National Infertility Awareness Week and please feel free to go here for more information on NIAW and it's background.

MYTH = BUSTED

National Infertility Awareness Week Myth Busting Challenge - breaking the silence

My current facebook status:

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April 24th begins National Infertility Awareness Week. Whether you, a friend, a family member, or a colleague has fought this difficult disease MILLIONS men and women face, post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM or DAD!

Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week. It was designed to draw attention to this issue that so many people are dealing with, unfortunately they are dealing in silence.

One thing that continues to astound me is the amount of silence that is involved with infertility. So many couples do not talk about it, it's often kept from friends and family, and many suffer in silence.

Here is my question - Why?

Why is it something people feel like they need to be ashamed of? People are born this way, the same as being born with green eyes instead of blue. It's not something that needs to be pushed aside, people need support and the more the support, the better as far as I am concerned. 

As I have worked through this process and dealt with the stages of it all, denial, etc - I feel as though I am drawn to being an advocate for people with infertility. 

Where are the support groups for this? I looked at different websites and found that most of the support is online only. How does this help when you have found out for what seems like the 900th time that what you are doing hasn't worked and your heart is broken again? Writing is therapy for me (hence the blog) but it does not take the place of human interaction for the people who are suffering. Sometimes, the best way for me to deal with how I am feeling is just to allow myself to have a break down and cry session - you know: sobbing, wailing, going through a box of tissues as you attempt to make sense of it all. People who are going through this know how it feels and can help by being supportive of each other. 

I wish sometimes that we were not one of the millions of couples who were going through all of this, that we were just those people who could be in the same room with each other and end up pregnant. 

Then, there are other times I am so grateful for the struggle as difficult as it could sound. This terrible situation has forced us to be connected and honest with each other to a level that many people never achieve, I am glad for that. It has helped our relationship to be even stronger than it was before. No, it's not always easy and often I hate it, but we are more in love than we were when we got married because of the struggles we have gone through in the past year and a half and because of infertility. 

All I can hope is that other people are going to find peace for themselves, I am still struggling from day to day with this part. 

I wish for all of us that we can get the dream that has eluded us.

 

EDIT: I want people to know that I am not telling anyone they need to be as open to the world as we have chosen to be. PLEASE do not think that...I just don't want people to be ashamed or embarrassed that they are struggling with infertility and allow or disallow whomever they want into their journey. Please do not misunderstand my intentions with this - it was only directed at the general silence and shame some people feel due to this and how I hope they find peace. 

I did this post as part of the RESOLVE National Infertility Awareness Week and please feel free to go here for more information on NIAW and it's background. 

 

30 going on 100

Jealous?

I have gone to this container that's used for much older adults to organize my pills for the week so I have them with me to remind me to take them. It makes me feel really old and it's annoying, but you do what you have to do I suppose in order to keep it all straight. 

Fertility posts that made my day yesterday

I follow some women who are going through some of the same issues or have been successful with the procedures and yesterday while catching up on some of their posts, I came across these two that made my day for 2 different reasons.

1. Conceive This! - this one talks about how much money all of this can cost. I am thankful that my insurance covers tons of the stuff, but we are still talking about a huge out of pocket cost. She also talks about if you tell the child about how much money this whole process costs, I have ever intention on being honest with our children when they are here about how hard Mom and Dad worked to get them. I want the students to understand we wanted them and did everything in our power to have them and even sought the attention of medical professionals to make it happen. I want my children to know we didn't "waste money on them," we "invested in them" long before they were even conceived. Aaron and I don't care at this point what it is going to cost us to have the child because it will be worth it in the end.

2. Semi-Charmed Life - this one made seriously laugh right out loud because it is exactly what I have been feeling for a long time. People believe they are being supportive and helpful, but all they are managing to do is make me mad. Seriously, go read it - she says it better than I could.

It really helps to have other women dealing with many of the same issues as me. It helps me feel not alone and crazy on the days when the fertility meds make me want to physically hurt the next person who tip-toes over the line with me. They are amazing women who have helped me through this now 19 month journey and I thank them for it.

Ugh - more medicine

Tonight starts my next round of Femara, which don't get me wrong is so much better than Clomid, but it's still not pleasant. I wish that my stupid body would just work the way it was supposed to and we wouldn't have to go through all of this chaos.

My fertility med cocktail: 1 pre-natal vitamin, 2 Metformin, and 2 Femara pills all to be taken after dinner. The pre-natal and Metformin are all the time, but now I am adding the Femara back in again for the next 5 days.

Then it's back to the waiting game...which equals how many things can I cram into my life to help me stay busy until I get the + OPT again and we start the last IUI we are planning to do. Pressure much??? I think that it's going to be one of those months that is really hard for us because of the pressure of it being our last time in this situation before we move onto more intense stuff. We have run into this before, the last few months we were on Clomid, the pressure because we knew that things were getting more intense made it really tough to get in the mood. It's similar to being timed - you have 5 minutes and GO! Who finds this to be sexy??? Neither of us to be sure.

Oh and I think if I hear how if we just relax on vacation to Vegas next month, it will happen, I may have to scream. Everyone keeps saying that to us as if that is going to make us feel better and less frustrated all of a sudden - oh just wait until vacation. Nope...not when my body doesn't ovulate on its own and needs medical intervention to happen. It won't happen. The only thing that will happen is that we will get a break from the chaos that is our lives right now - that's it.

Month 19 - here we come

Well my period was in full force this morning...no denying it as much as I would have liked to do that.

Talked to the RE's office this morning, we are going again with another IUI - will be tentatively the beginning of May. If this doesn't work though, we are to make an appointment to sit down and seriously talk about moving to IVF.

YIKES.

We'll see what happens, I keep hoping that it's going to work before we have to jump to that because it's scary to me...both in good and bad ways. Good = much better chances of multiples. Bad = lots of shots and dr visits, plus 2 days of bed rest afterward.

I am in some ways ready to just move on to it and be done, but part of me is just hoping that it works this time and I don't have to give myself injections everyday. I know it will all be worth it in the end, this is a small price to pay for our dreams, etc. Doesn't mean I want to inject myself!! If it gets us to our goal then I will do it, as long as I have a 1% chance of it working, I am all in.

Another morning, another temp drop

We are officially out this month.

I got an even bigger temp drop this morning and a negative test again, take that with the serious spotting/borderline light flow and we are done for the March/April cycle.

I did my anger and sad phase yesterday, I am pretty sure I got it out of my system so I am ready to move on again. We struggle with this month after month, but once I have my day to act like a super girly-girl and cry/carry on/scream, I get it out and I am ready to go along. This is the way that I deal with things and it may not work out for everyone, it does for me.

Aaron was able to go out with his cousin on Friday night and talk about his emotions, which has really helped him deal with how he has been feeling. He has bottling it up so much and I can see it on his face. It makes me sad that I can't help him deal with things, but I am grateful that he is talking to someone about it all.

This journey takes us both on such a roller coaster of emotion and there are many times, we both want to just quit and give up. The ability to keep going is something we have to pull up from somewhere and I am afraid that my supply is going to start to run dry soon.

Where do you get more confidence or strength to continue when it feels like the weight of the world is pushing down on your shoulders?? This is the point I am on right now, just trying to sort it out to find the strength to continue, yet again.

Hope and frustration - the ups and downs

Yesterday I had all kinds of hope. My temperatures that would normally start dropping to indicate my period coming actually took a huge jump, I was having pinching on the one side of my body that nearly stopped me in my tracks - all really positive signs of things having worked. I was also just feeling all kinds of off and out of it - had a really hard time focusing on things at school, which is not me at all.

Then, this morning - a big temp drop and a negative test.

Welcome back to the roller coaster of not-so-much-fun. I don't know what to think yet. It's still too early to really feel like it's all down and out. I still feel different than I have previous times, but I am sad today. Everything seemed to be moving in the right direction and I feel like the whole thing is moving in a negative direction again and it makes me so sad.

I just want to be off this part of the ride.

EDIT - well the cramping and spotting has officially started. We are pretty much guaranteed on the down-hill slide to my period. This just blows and feels so unfair, we keep doing everything they want us to do and we get nowhere.

I can't handle people telling me to be positive and stay focused and it will happen today. I think I might scream at someone who tries to do that - they just don't understand how hurting it all is month after month. I would never wish this on anyone but I do wish that people could have more empathy to the terrible situation.

My current issue is people who have never had to try to do this telling me to be positive and tell me that "God has a plan, it's just not the one you have." Really?? If that's supposed to be comforting when you feel defective and broken, these people need to go "back to being a friend 101" and remember that NOT saying something is sometimes more powerful than saying something stupid. I love my friends and I appreciate the effort to make me feel better I really do, but as they "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Their intentions are amazing and I do appreciate them, but all it does is remind me of my body is not working the way it should and it makes me feel as though they believe something is really wrong with me. I don't want to be through of as broken, and that's how all of that makes me feel.

I feel broken today...AGAIN. I feel defeated...AGAIN. I feel so unbelievably angry...AGAIN.

A week of so much and nothing all at once

This week has been so hectic, I can hardly even believe it.

I have so much going on at work as we prepare for the state testing and there is so much pressure for us to succeed at this this year. We have been working on these practices to help the students to prepare for the testing which is at the end of the month. It is tough for my students because many of them struggle with their reading and understanding of the material on their own. I know they will do the best they can.

I have had the worst luck with things this week and I am not sure I am liking the message that karma is sending me at the moment. I am hoping that all the bad luck now is so that good things will be coming my way in the very near future.

Example yesterday: 1) my cell phone would not work at all when I got up, I had to take the battery out on 2 separate situations just to make it power on. 2) dealt with MANY student issues - skipping, failing, etc and spent tons of time on the phone with parents or emailing them (such an easier way of dealing with parents that are hard to get hold of during the day). 3) a guilt trip from a loved one about something silly. 4) Spending an hour and half at the phone service place for them to get my phone back to working (it is finally working - actually better than it did when I bought it in November), however I lost all of my apps on my phone as well as my message history. 5) dropped $40 in the parking lot as I was leaving the phone store and didn't realize it until I went to pay for dinner - I went back to look for it and of course it was gone, someone just became $40 richer at my expense. 6) the fast food place messing up my food but me not realizing it until I was all ready home. 7) spending yet another 2 hours on the phone trying to deal with the hotel issue that is plaguing our trip to Vegas next month (long story short - the hotel we booked is closing down and we are being shifted to a new one, but there is a HUGE delay on getting everything confirmed due to the amount of reservations that are displaced.). Why karma????? What did I do to deserve this??

So onto TTC stuff - not really much is happening there right now.

We are just waiting and waiting to see what will happen. I don't feel really any different than I do any other time, so I am not sure what to think about that. I keep expecting some kind of symptoms to show up, but I have nothing as of right now. Makes me kind of annoyed though because there have been so many months when I was absolutely convinced that I was having all these symptoms and then nothing would come from it. Maybe this is a good sign?? I don't know what to think at this point. I did decide to test earlier than recommended simply due to lack of symptoms and the randomness that is my temperature chart. I know I am torturing myself by doing this, but after all this time - what the hell??? I found a good deal online, 20 tests for about $5 plus shipping. The ones in the store are a small fortune to buy just for 2 or 3 and these are the ones they use in the doctor's office anyway. And fortunately, we would have some back up ones lying around. This is a fascination of women who are TTC calling being a "POAS addict" otherwise known as "peeing on a stick addict." I am normally really good about it, but this month I was just too tempted and I don't know why, but thankfully they are not here yet so I have not been testing this early which is incredibly inaccurate anyway.

I went back to tracking BBT this month just to see what was happening and it's interesting to see how it all moves along over the course of the month for the different parts of the cycle. Here is the my chart if anyone is interested in looking at it. I use an online tracker which helps me keep them all in the same place and it was really helpful for me to take it all to the RE's for her to see how my body had reacted to Clomid. It's kind of pain to get back in the habit of getting up at the same time everyday (even weekends) to make the temping as accurate as it can be, but I have become used to turning off the alarm, grabbing the thermometer and then going right back to sleep when I am done.

Less than 5 days to know what the new situation will hold for us...trying to be positive.

Still another week to go and my brain has been on overdrive

One more week to go until we find out what's going on again. Hurry up, wait...hurry up, wait. It's never-ending.

There is nothing new to report really. I have crazy seasonal allergies that wrecking my head and pretty terrible acid reflux (which I am prone to anyway) since Wednesday. After many back and forth days with the doctors about what to take, I am now on something that it helping. I didn't want to go on something I would have to go off of as soon as we know we are pregnant - that just seemed foolish to me. So now I am on something I can continue to take when we know we are successful.

I have been really fortunate that I have the ability to talk to people about what we am going through in a very open manner. I have received many comments of support or emails telling me that I was writing their thoughts they never said out loud. That is a form of comfort to me because from time to time I feel lonely in the process. I know I have support: friends, family, co-workers, but I also have the support of an online community I belong to for women who are trying to conceive. They let me be crazy and vent over and over again even when it's simply repeating the same thing time after time.

This makes all the difference in the world, but there are still those moments - usually late at night, when the powerful fear takes over. This fear is so strong and so loud that it just takes over my whole mind and I can barely even think of anything else. It's all consuming and makes my head hurt with the fear. In these moments I have to find a bit of calm and more often than not, it feels impossible and overwhelming. My thoughts run around in terrible circles thinking of all the bad things that could be the cause of the infertility...an undiagnosed disease, a vitamin imbalance, something to that would be the reason behind all of this. Yes, I am aware that after all this time and all the testing they have done, if something was off somewhere it would have been found by now...my logical part of my brain knows this. However, the illogical side is the one who keeps me up at night trying to find a reason because at least then we have something to blame instead of playing a guessing game of "is this going to work?"

I do believe that when we are successful, this illogical fear will become more quiet and allow me some peace. Once we know what will work, my brain will be better and I will hopefully be able to sleep.

Rough morning = positive outcome???

This morning was not an easy ride to the RE's office for the procedure. It was pouring rain and hailing for about 1/2 the trip and I was really worried were not going to get there in time because people apparently felt that the accelerator was only meant for dry weather and couldn't get moving. Either way, we made it in time.

Then, the second part to the rough start was that they were having issues with my cervix (remember, I did warn you that I will share things...sorry goes with the territory) and had to move it around manually to get everything in the right spot. Needless to say it was not an easy procedure compared to last month's and I am feeling it more today than I did last time. I did come to school because I didn't think it was going to be too bad, man am I wishing I had stayed home afterward. Oh well, I guess I will just take some pain relievers and push through it. I am for sure changing into comfy stuff and doing as little as possible tonight.

Maybe we will have the luck, the worse the situation to start with the better it will be in the end.

I did find out from the nurse about the specifics of my progesterone test from last time, it was 17.5 which is really good. I don't have to go for follow up blood work this month since we didn't change the medicine or anything. I just have to let them know in 2 weeks if I get a positive home pregnancy test and we will go from there.

Aaron and I talked over the weekend about everything because he is having a really hard time dealing with all of this right now (and I am too, let's not be foolish here). We would like to jump to the next step as quickly as possible if this doesn't work, it's just so hard for us. We spent hours talking about it this weekend, including nearly an hour last night because neither of us could sleep very well. He is really struggling with his feelings of failure and stress over it all, I have been at this point for a long time now, it just took him longer to get here. He needs to talk to someone he feels comfortable talking about these things with because he doesn't want to add anymore to what I am carrying. I do understand that and am not upset that he doesn't talk to me about all of what he feels, I just want him to make sure to talk to someone so he isn't just carrying it around in his head all of the time. I told him it's okay if it's not me, please find someone though.

When we were at the RE's today, we asked about moving on and they said they would really prefer if we did at least 3 IUI's before moving onto IVF which would be our next step. The reasoning behind it being that this is only the 2nd month we know for sure that his swimmers have gotten to my egg at the optimal time. Of course, we are going to default to them and listen to what they are saying, they are the specialist after all. It's just disappointing.

Round 2 - scheduled for tomorrow morning

We are heading in tomorrow morning first thing for our next IUI

More control by the plastic ovulation kit...at least there is nothing else to do until tomorrow and then it's all out of our hands.

Spring break with snow

My school district did a long weekend rather than a week long spring break this year, today is the last day of it and tomorrow is back to school. While it's been nice to have a little bit of extra time to myself, I have to say that the snow at the end of March that came on Friday and Saturday could have stayed away.

I finished my next round of medicine on Friday and we are looking April 4-6 as the approximate time frame for the next procedure. At least now we know that my body responds to Femara approximately the same way that it did with Clomid. That's sort of comforting because that means I may be able to save myself from having to do injectable medicines in place of the Femara. I hope that we don't get to that point because I really don't have to have to give myself injections everyday for it to work. However, if we get to the IVF stage, I guess I will just have to suck it up and deal with it at that point. Ick. I have visions of forcing myself to do it and being incredibly nervous the first few times, or worse having Aaron give them to me. I think he would have a really hard time with that part if it comes to that.

We are working on being more positive about things even aside from the approximate 2 weeks we are waiting to see if the procedure worked or not. This is so much easier said than actually done as many things in this stupid process seem to be. I am working on not focusing on the negative aspects (ie. side effects of meds, lack of sleep, etc) that can come before the procedures themselves. Unfortunately, the mind wanders too much for its own good and I jump around. When people would ask about it all this week knowing that I had just finished the medicine, we were more positive saying we were preparing ourselves for another round of the IUI. Other times, we might have just gone on and on about the terrible side effects that I have experienced.

That doesn't mean I don't have any side effects, in fact the opposite is true. The second month I was on Clomid was much worse than the first and the same is true of Femara. The first month wasn't too bad, but this month was rough. I had much worse nighttime sweats, my hands and feet were swollen (apparently a very common side effect that I was not aware of and when it happened, I thought I was going to need to cut my wedding ring off my hand because it was hurting!!) as well the headaches. I know all of it will be worth it in the end and that when I am actually pregnant so many other afflictions will be present, but man sometimes I felt like I was standing in the inner circle of Dante's Inferno and couldn't even handle being in clothes! Overshare? Maybe...but an unfortunate reality of side effects.

My RE joked with me that after all that we have been through with trying to get pregnant, I should be in for an easier time of actually being pregnant. One can hope that's true! Between the emotionally and physically draining time spent on this and just the amount of time it has gone one - bring on the morning sickness, swollen feet, stretch marks, strange food cravings, and indigestion! I am ready for it.

Well, tomorrow is back to the grind of work and the chaos that comes with the 4th quarter of being a schoolteacher and the sooner we get through it, the sooner summer is here and I can't wait!

Depression Eating

I have been known a time or two to eat while depressed/stressed and now is not an exception to this rule. It's really not good for me to do it since it's so difficult to lose any weight that I may gain right now. The fun of PCOS is how tough it is to lose weight and with all the ups and downs of the past week, I found solace in food.

I need to stop doing that. Food isn't going to make a baby stay in my body, food isn't going to keep me appealing to my husband so we can even try to have a baby, food isn't going to make a blood test show a positive finally.

So knowing all of that, why do I continue to do it? Comfort, nope - not comfortable to feel bloated after eating too much. Happiness, nope - often feeling even more sad after eating because I know better than to do it.

I do it because it's what I have always done. You know the old saying "Do what you have always done and you will get what you always get." Apparently I need to re-evaluate what I am doing and try to find a better way to deal with the emotions rather than just sitting down to eat. Easier said than done - for sure! It's really tough to undo over 30 years of this same behavior and I am going to fail at it more often than I succeed until I can get my brain to realize that's not a good idea.

It's difficult not to get down under the stress and strain of it all and there are more times than not that I just give in because it's easier than fighting. This does not make me think well of myself and the cycle continues. I need to find more positive things that make me happy and when I am sad, do those instead. Again, easier said than done. I am just free-floating in a sea of emotions and I need a life raft to pull me out of it. I know I can't let the depression/stress get to me, I know I am stronger than it because I have shown that before. I just need to get myself back on track and start again.

Damn this whole process and its emotions.

I thought I had a good handle on things until I decided to begin this and this is where I am now. Do other people feel this way? Is it just me? Sometimes it feels like weight of the world all pushing down on my shoulders. But I know I have to be strong, actually stronger than I have ever been before as a way to push through it...but where does energy come from?? Can I go to the store and buy it? Is there somewhere to find it? Nope, I just have to work on finding it inside of me and that's one of the most difficult parts of the whole TTC process and the longer you are in it, the more weight (literally and figuratively) it feels like you are carrying.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking today. Maybe I just need to let myself wallow in the frustration and eat knowing I will get back on track. Too many unknowns and it will be a minute to minute struggle.

My life in a quote

"I'm stronger because of my hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, happier because of my sad experiences, and smarter because of my moments of confusion"

5 stages of TTC (grief process)

Well as of this morning, we are officially onto month 18. This week was really hard for both me and Aaron separately. Thursday was my day, yesterday was Aaron's day to struggle.

We have the next round of medication to get ready for the next IUI which will be at the beginning of April. We are just working hard at moving on, but it's like a grieving process:

1. Denial - this can't be happening to me, we still have a chance

2. Anger - I am pissed why can't we be given our dream?

3. Bargaining - please God, allow us to have a baby?

4. Depression - sadness over having to move onto the new month

5. Acceptance - time to prepare for the next month

Yes these are the clinical stages of grief but they completely apply to going through the monthly up and downs that come into play with infertility issues. Everyone has to go through these stages at their own pace and it will be difficult to deal with. The problem I had this week was that everyone seemed to want me to jump right to step #5 without allowing me to go through steps #1-4. I know that I would get to the acceptance stage, but for me one of the hardest steps to get through is the anger and sometimes I need to be there for awhile before moving past.

We are working forward now...no more backwards thinking. Aaron and I talked about it at great length the other day - we are not going to stop the IUI process until we jump to IVF if necessary. My body reacted terribly when I went off the hormones last time, I became very sick and my immune system went crazy. I am not going to do that again. We will continue to just go through this until the summer time when we can jump to IVF without really disrupting my work schedule. It's the right thing to do.

Pretty sure we go onto 18 months now

Well, I took 2 tests this morning: 1 was clearly only 1 line, the other was digital and said "not pregnant" clear as bell. My heart literally sank into my toes. I sat down in the shower and cried for probably 10 straight minutes. This was our best option up to this point and still we get nothing.

I know it's a new procedure, it's a new medicine, blah blah blah...that doesn't change how much it hurts right now. Month after month, we put everything out there, do everything we can and for some reason, nothing works for us. I have to continue to pick myself up (as in the morning, off the floor) and get motivated for a new month and every month that goes by becomes more and more of struggle.

Is this some cruel test from God? How long can you endure the struggle without coming completely unglued? Let's see how much strength you actually have deep down inside by testing every part of your life.

YES - I know I should be grateful for a great marriage, wonderful and support friends/family. YES - I know I should be grateful that I have a job that I love. YES - I should be grateful that I have a home that belongs to us and we have some extra money in the bank. I am abundantly aware of all of these things, but right now...I just want to curl into a ball on the floor and cry.

I have to give myself time to be upset or I will never deal with it - I have been known to just push it down inside deep and that's not healthy. I have been working really hard on myself through all of this to not do this anymore, that's part of the reason I started this blog in the first place. It gives me an opportunity to put out my feelings and just deal with them - somehow it's become one of my saving graces as we go further and further in this process.

We want to be parents...why do kids who have sex one time have a better chance of getting pregnant than me???? We are good people, we have a loving and adoring marriage, we will love a child and that child will not be taken for granted at all and loved immensely. Please God, allow us this in our lives.

The longest 2 weeks ever!

Here we are just about 1 week into the longest 2 weeks I think we have had since we started this journey.

Other months, we kind of knew it wasn't going to work and therefore the wait wasn't too bad. This month with the best odds we have had, the wait is painfully slow. Everyday seems to be an eternity and the date of testing seems like 3 more weeks from now.

I would normally consider myself a patient person, until we started trying to have a family. With this, I am NOT a patient person and I am kind of disturbed by the change in my own personality. I have found myself to be much more short-tempered in all aspects of my life as we go through this and I wonder if that has anything to do with just being distracted all the time.

Let's be serious, when in your life do you need to know this much about your body? Basal body temperatures, cervical mucus, cramping, + or - ovulation tests, sex every other day (some go with the everyday but my RE said every other day is the way to go). It is just too much information about myself, and I live in me everyday!

I cannot wait until I am not spending all of my time tracking these things - it's annoying and takes up a ton of time.

Tomorrow I go for the progesterone test before school - let's hope it's high enough I don't have to go on a supplement (on top of the other meds I am taking!)

Now we wait!

We had the procedure this morning and it went very well.

The whole actual time we were in with the doctor was about 15 minutes. Most of the time we were there was waiting for them to clean and wash Aaron's contribution to the procedure. The procedure itself didn't hurt at all, and only took about 5 minutes.

I go in next Friday for a blood test to see how my hormones are doing then the end of the next week, we start testing to see if it's positive. We will see!

It's going to be hard not to over-analyze all the feelings that I will experience in the next 2 weeks :-(

YES! IUI Time!

I got a positive OPT today:

I called the RE today and got us set up for tomorrow morning for the procedure!! So excited! So unbelievably excited!

The anticipation is killing me

I am so ready to know when this all is going to happen. It is about killing me to know that it could be any day. It is hard to understand how these last few days have been harder than any other part of the waiting. I think it comes with knowing I am so close to it, every second takes an eternity to pass. I am just on pins and needles waiting to know.

It is often a struggle not to let all of these ideas not run through my mind all the time. Of course, it's one of the busiest weeks for my work and I have been trying to focus my attention there to help pass the time. However, it is always there stuck in the back of my mind.

Amazing how a little piece of plastic showing me a smiley face or an empty circle occupies my mind...I hate how strong of a pull that stupid little ovulation test has on me.

I am ready to be on the road to the next step.

Nervous/Excited - All emotions at the same time

Well this is it, the week we have been waiting for - it should be IUI week.

I am so nervous and excited I can hardly even stand it. I am excited because this week could change our lives forever in the best possible way. We have been working so hard to get to this point with everything - the doctors, the blood tests, the unbelievably uncomfortable procedures, the detailed personal and medical history we have discussed with people who were perfect strangers at the time, the emotional ups and downs for the last several months. It will be great to have something positive come from all of that. The nervousness is the bit of fear that it won't work and we will have to go onto the next phase of this all. Both of us are scared but trying to be positive and focus on what we can be in control of this week and leave the rest up to fate. We know we have done all we can to make this go as well as possible. I have been on vitamins and the stupid medicine that makes me sick in hopes of preparing my body for it as best we can, I have watched what I eat, exercised, meditated on my own personal shortcomings, and stayed as connected to my husband as anyone could.

BUT, we have a plan for what to do next just in case this isn't the way for us and we are confident in what the doctor's are telling us, so we have to continue to believe in that. We are going to be a family of more than just the two of us in some capacity, we just have to find the right path to get there. Man, I wish this all came with an instruction manual that told us how much this was going to suck each month, how many times a person typically has a mental breakdown with the stress of it all, and how to keep going when it's all dark and scary. There have been times in this process that I have wanted to give up and say this is just not going to happen for us - but that isn't what either of us really want. Ever since we have been together, we always knew that we were going to be parents, it's been a dream of mine since I was little. It's been a goal that has never disappeared or been put on the back burner. Sometimes now I wish we had started right after we got married instead of waiting 6 months, but all that does is cause me to think about what would have been. That will get me nowhere closer toward the goal ahead of us.

Something that goes without saying through all of this is the amazing amount of strength and character in the man I married. He amazes me everyday at his ability to see through all B.S. and keep going on without even flinching at the next step. He is my rock and one of the only reasons I have not become a crazy person in this lengthy process. It is one thing to know there is going to be issues with having a family, it is entirely a separate reality to be faced with. It is not easy for him (although he would tell you that I carry most of the burden on myself even though he would do it for me if possible) to watch me struggle with all of this month after month. It literally pains him to see me go through this emotional stress and that is amazing to me. It is amazing that someone can care so much and deeply about things, that he loves and believes in us so much - this literally carries us through all the crap we have gone through.

I am not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing support in my life, a great man, a wonderful friend and son, not to mention my best friend and love I never knew I could have, but I will say thank you until I take my last breath that he is here with me.

Please IUI - work and make our dreams come true finally.

Really sad today

Well just when I thought it was safe to be friends with someone...BAM! Not so fast.

I had recently rekindled a friendship with a person I met in college, she was a good friend to me then. However, she did not understand when I began dating an ex because she thought the situation was not good. We talked then and came to the understanding that we were just going to go along without being friends anymore. It was tough but all right because everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Now, when I got divorced we became friends again through social networking (isn't that very 21st century?) and I thought things were all right. We don't live near each other and haven't in a good number of years, but I thought we had made peace with the past and were starting from here catching up on the years that were lost in between. Needless to say, I found out today that she in fact has harbored hostile feelings toward me for all this time. I was furious, mainly because I thought we had moved past all of that and were moving in a new direction...apparently not. The worst part for me is finding out through mutual friends that this is what the REAL story was, that just makes me even more furious because I had been honest with her.

Last time I checked, we are 30 years old...not small children who have to fight and lie to one another.

I was angry but I took the coward's way out...I sent her an email. It wasn't nice and all "I forgive you" it was "I am hurt that after all this time you didn't think it was something I needed to know." I cannot continue to invest my time with someone who is angry at me for something that happened a decade ago. I don't have time for that kind of nonsense in my life right now. So I ended the re-kindled friendship.

It makes me so angry because it's so childish to act this way. I have pity for them because they do not know what it's really like to know what a friendship can be like with honest and open communication. I hope someday they grow up and realize that there are more important things in live aside from holding onto grudges. Especially ones like this.

Femara = nothing compared to Clomid

Well I have one more dose of Femara to take this month in prep for our first IUI hopefully sometimes next week! I have to say that compared to the side effects I had on Clomid, this has been nothing. I have had a little headache (had one on Clomid for days after I was done) and been sleepy but restless sleepy...that's it.

Now we wait to see how long it is going to take my body to respond to it, this month is really a guessing game because it's a new medicine and my body can be funky anyway. I start using the OPT (ovulation tests) on Thursday and as soon as we have a positive, we are heading to the RE's office for the procedure!! I can't wait, it's been such a journey just to get here, I know it's not a guarantee (in this process, the only guarantee is that things will not be how you planned them to be - they definitely have their own course plotted out) but it's better than our chances have been up until now. I can't help but be excited about it.

Positives and Negatives

I will start with the good stuff:

I finally got my period after 51 days since the last one!! I called the RE this morning to get the prescription called in for the new fertility meds and I am ready go right now! We are looking at the first week of March for the IUI and it cannot come quickly enough.


Okay the bad stuff:

My mom called me last night and told me she had been in the hospital for the past 6 days. I didn't know anything about it until she called. Apparently her potassium levels were so low (less 2, which less than 5 is a scary place to be), she had to be put on a ventilator for a few days (she was not so clear on how long) in the ICU and had to have her hands restrained so she didn't pull out the tube. She has had a few blood transfusions as well as multiple IV potassium bags to try to get her levels up out of the extra scary zone. She is due to be released from the hospital today.

All of this happened and I wasn't called or informed by my brother (with whom she lives with at the moment) because she told him not call anyone in the family to let them know what is going on with her. After everything I have done for her in the past several years: running her to the doctors, sitting in ERs, taking her grocery shopping, helping her clean her house, talking to her doctors when she wasn't able to do so, etc...I am not important enough to be given a courtesy call about her being intensive care???? That is B.S. to me and it makes me so angry that I can hardly see straight.

I am really afraid that I am going to get a phone call that her heart has just given out and she died of heart failure with no notice to anything. Her heart has had serious issues since she had the heart attack in 1995 and every time they are much worse than the one before. Eventually her luck of getting better is going to run out. I am not going to have a chance to say good-bye before it happens if things keep progressing the way they are right now. Makes me so sad and angry.

Valentine's Day

Aaron and I were finally able to spend time together today for the first time just the two of us in weeks. His job has been rough lately and he has been working tons of overtime which has made it tough.

He surprised me with beautiful pink roses last night because he knows how much I love them. Today, he took me out to lunch and shopping, we then came home and watched one of our favorite shows. It's the perfect way for us to spend the day together! We may not be the most romantic sometimes, but we are true to ourselves!

We are waiting for my period to show up so we can start the new fertility meds. It has been such a long time since we have been able to try that we can hardly stand it anymore. The waiting game has been so hard and emotional, I cry when I think about it...what a tough journey.

By this time next year, we will hopefully have a little one to celebrate their first Valentine's Day...I really do hope so, it's been a long dream for us and I think I will be so overwhelmed by emotions when we get the good news.

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3 Snow Days = a little insanity

After 2 1/2 days of being in the house, I am starting to lose my mind. The Provera is causing me a headache which it has done in the past and that isn't helping the situation.

Relationships - gut-checking realizations

I have spent some time today thinking about the friendships/relationships in my life. Just today, 2 people that I was once very close with have gotten married and I wonder, am I sad that I wasn't there?

The honest answer is yes/no.

I will start with the easy one - yes. Yes, I am sad that I am not there to be part of their special day, to see the joy that comes on the wedding day and experience the love they feel. That's what weddings are about - sharing in the obvious joy that two people feel for one another. I am happy for them if this is what they want in their lives and I don't wish them one second of ill will about their marriages.

The trickier answer for me is the no. No, I am not sad that I am not there because there were serious issues in both relationships that could not be mended through the fault of one person or the other. There is a reason we are not close anymore, maybe it was me, maybe it was them, or maybe it was chemistry of the friendship together that made it not work.

This got me thinking - about people I have been friends with forever, people whom I have known a few years, those I have met just recently, and those who are no longer part of my life. All of these people are in my life for whatever length of time it may be for a reason. Do I know why? Maybe. Do I want to find out why? Maybe. Is it the most important thing? No.

But as I look back on my friendships and relationships in my life (very pensive for 30 - isn't it???) I have decided that all of them have helped me be the person I am today. They may have only been there for awhile but there was some reason we connected. I think some relationships are not supposed to be stationary - they move like ocean currents in short changing burst. Some are there for the long haul - as in my friends I have known since before high school or my good friends from college.

When I was getting divorced nearly 4 years ago (my God, where did the time go?) I had some people in my life who helped me through it by being supportive. Many of them I am not longer in communication with for various reasons but they were completely instrumental in my survival of that situation. I will never throw away the pictures or things from that time even though they are no longer part of my present life. I cannot bring myself to do it because they were important to me (sentimental - I am a scorpio at heart after all).

But, the issue I have is that no one wants to think of themselves as the person who is constantly changing friends - that leads me to believe they don't really know themselves well enough to know they can handle being alone. It took me a long time and gone through much emotion to find out that I am okay with being friends with people for whatever length of time I am and just being happy with it. Yes, I wish I do wish things could have been different, but I refuse to live my life with regret. I am just taking it at a growing up lesson and trying to make sure the relationships I do have that are important to me don't fall into the category of ones in my past.

Doctor

Here I am, sitting in another doctor's office...what has my life come to anymore? Waiting in small white rooms for doctors and having to explain everything we are dealing with over and over again? ARGH!!!! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!!!

We have somehow managed to make to the end of January without going off the deep end with impatience to get to the IUI next month. A miracle to be sure, let's get it going all ready. I can call tomorrow to get Provera and then it's a little more than a week til the new meds and then it's back to make a baby time! After not being able to do anything since October, this all can't come quickly enough.

I know that many things are hurry up to wait but DAMN this is a bit insane!!

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Not much to say...unusual

The title just says it all...this waiting is still the same as it has been since October. You would think it would get easier, but it doesn't.

Come on February, I need you!!

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Day off = productivity town!

I decided that having a day off to do things around the house meant I should make good use of it.

We have been so busy with everything lately that we haven't done a major cleaning since right before Christmas, our laundry has piled up, the carpet was in terrible shape, and just general stuff needed to be done. I spent the better part of the day cleaning like a mad woman!

Now we need to get to the point where we stay on top of things a little better. I actually think it helped me get my mind off of things lately. I forget sometimes that tasks like that are good for the soul, they are not requiring of anything besides manual labor and take the mind off things.

Vegas baby!

Patience is a virtue...

A terrible thing to deal with is more accurate for me.

I feel like all I do is hurry up, wait...repeat.

Aaron and I have decided that we are going to take a little long weekend vacation this year for our anniversary (2 years in June). We spent some time figuring it out and decided that we would like to go to Las Vegas. Neither of us have been there before and it's some place we can go that isn't going to cost us a small fortune to fly to unlike other places. We looked into alternatives and I think this is going to be the winner. Now it's something to look forward to at the end of May (we are going to go Memorial Day weekend because then Aaron only has to take off 1 day of work just in case we get pregnant in the next few months - he can save a week of his vacation time for then).

It's something to take my mind off all the other business going on. My graduate classes will fill the time between now and May for certain with the work that has to be done. I am glad that I decided to take classes right now because it is keeping my mind focused, it's helping my career, and advancing my paycheck...a win, win in my book!

Why can't people understand?

I do not like that people keep telling me that waiting is not that big of a deal. That bothers me quite a bit.

I would never wish these people to go through what I have in the last year, to have to put their bodies through the medicines (which is nasty and causes terrible side effects), the blood tests, the invasive procedures. But most of all, I would never wish for them to go through the emotional battle that it can be every month.

Each month has started the same, getting your period. This is usually a day filled with mixed emotions because have lost another month trying but you have a fresh start for the new month. (I tended to cry on this day from the over run of hormones and frustration). Possibly take fertility medicine which makes you feel like a psychopath and make you exhausted. After that, it's waiting to ovulate. Depending on how it goes, it can be weeks to go before then. Then it's time to make some magic - lots of sex for days (some go with the every other day or there is the every day option). Then, comes the worst and most difficult time to survive - the wait to see if you are going to get your period again. During this time, every emotion you can go through runs through your head. Not only that but every sneeze, minor pain, headache, etc becomes a possibly pregnancy symptom or clue. Starting to test with home pregnancy tests DAYS before you actually should in the hopes this is the month.

Now go through this for 15 cycles and tell me that waiting 2 more months isn't a big deal.

I know sensitivity is a lost art sometimes, but damn - cut a girl a break and allow me to be pissed that it's been pushed back again. We have been on a forced 4 months hiatus and that SUCKS!!!

Yes, it is giving my body some time to relax. Yes, it is allowing the doctor to make sure our path is the right one. What it isn't doing is allowing me some relief from the stress and anxiety has started to overtake my life from the emotional toll it has taken. What else it isn't doing is making it easy to maintain hope and faith in the process. Not when people all around me are getting pregnant left and right. Not when people have started trying, gotten pregnant, AND given birth since we have been trying.

I know there are many people who are incredibly supportive of us and I could not be more grateful for them. These are the people who keep me from getting lost in the shuffle of it all; they are the ones who help me when my day is so bad I just want to crawl into the fetal position and cry for hours at a time; they are the ones who pick me up month after month when I do crawl into the fetal position and cry when my stupid period shows up again.

All Aaron and I want to do is become parents, it's the American dream. We have the great marriage, we have the house of our dreams, and good jobs (even though Aaron wishes he was doing something in the computer field)...the only thing we have been waiting to do is to become parents.

So to conclude - if I am having a bad day and am complaining about how crappy all of this is, please give me a small break. The amount of strain I am under just with this is so much more overwhelming than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I am still learning how to deal with it, and many days I don't succeed at it very well.

Hello February - I hope you are good to me

Well I just heard from the doctor and I am not happy about the news.

My blood work came back normal, which is good (they were testing a few hormones), BUT....it is now too late in the cycle to start the meds. I am to call if I do not have my period by cd 35 and they will call in Provera again at that time. Then once that period has arrived, I can start the meds to have an IUI that cycle.

Timeline:

Today (Jan 3) = cd 9
Jan. 29 = cd 35
Approx 12 days after that for period = Feb 14
Start new meds = Feb 16
Approx IUI = Feb 22-Feb 25

I am so not happy at all!! There is nothing I can do about it, but it still sucks.

REALLY??? Another set back...

Well I went in for blood work on Monday to have some hormone levels checked before starting the new fertility med to get on with our IUI. Called the specialist today and they still do not have the results, the doctor will not be able to do my prescription until she reviews the results. The issue = the window for the month closes tomorrow and the specialist isn't open again until Monday.

Talk about disappointing...

I am going to call them on Monday to see if there is possibly anything we can do.

Much better this week, but ready for break.

So my emotions are much better this week...so much calmer - I doubt the hormone medicine I was on to help my period get here helped much with the overdone emotions I was experiencing.

What I am not is starting my IUI cycle yet. Still waiting on the body to get it together, so I can start taking the fertility medicine so we can have our first IUI in the new year. I had been hoping that we would be able to do it before the new year, but with the vaccine situation in November and now my body not working with me has set it back awhile.

At the end of the day, I go on winter break and it cannot come soon enough. I need a few days off to get it all together and re-focus my energies in the right direction. The end of the semester is always so stressful with semester exams, grades, and getting ready for the new semester so the start isn't so hectic. That's quite a bit to deal with all at once when you add in all the other emotions and situations together. It's just a recipe for me needing a break for a few days.

Thankfully, all my Christmas shopping is done and just needs to be wrapped up. That means I just need to go grocery shopping and clean up the house before we have Aaron's family over on Saturday evening for the holiday.

One thing I am really tired of is people not being remotely sympathetic to what I am going through. I have had a rough road lately - the meds are rough on the body and the mind, and some days are bad. Some people have made comment to me that all I do is complain about how I don't feel well or whatever. I am entitled to express my frustrations in the way I feel the most comfortable with, if you don't like it - then don't read it. I would never judge someone for going through an unbelievably difficult situation that has gone on for a very long time for expressing their frustrations with it. I understand that many people do not feel as though they are able to by sympathetic to what we are going through and I get that...but damn people, cut me some slack!!!

Lord grant me the serenity...

This prayer is so significant in my journey to being a mother. I know it's meant for addictions, but the crossover is huge for me.

I have really been struggling for days now...more than I ever thought I could. My anxiety over infertility has now officially overrun into all aspects of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry or think about all the bad things that could happen. This is killing me right now. The fear is so strong and overwhelming.

Some people know I have had anxiety my whole life, many people do not.

It started as a kid when my family went through a really (and I mean extremely bad time). We lost our home due to foreclosure, I had to stay with a friend for the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, my mother was so sick, and I was free-floating in the world. Not an easy place to be at 17. I dealt with it due to some great friends and family, I felt all right again.

Then it happened again in college when I was in an emotional abusive relationship. I had anxiety everyday about saying or doing the right thing to prevent being bullied or attacked. My comfort then was food, I gained about 20 pounds in 2 months. Eventually I lost that weight and a little more when the relationship finally ended and I realized I was worth more than being someone's doormat and possession.

The next time I had a rough time was when I got divorced in 2007. This was a dark time for me - the end of my marriage started coming many months before it actually happened. The anxiety this time would keep me up all night trying to figure out what to do and what my life would be life when it was finally over. I had some really amazing friends/family who kept me going by telling me it was going to be okay.

Now here we are again...this time it is worse than it has been in more than a decade. I have been going at full steam ahead for so long that, I haven't allowed myself to stop and deal with the issues. I believe I was afraid to do this because I was afraid to deal with the pain and other issues that I had been masking for such a long time. This past month when we have not been allowed to try in any capacity has made me have to slow down and evaluate myself. It has been rough to say the least. My immune system is fighting back because I kept up such a pace for so long that I never gave my body a chance to recover from all that I was doing with the fertility medicines, the blood work, etc. Then when I stopped, it came onto my like hitting a brick wall at 200 miles an hour.

Coming to grips with all of this in the past few days has made me realize that the troubles I am having are not going to be solved quickly and I will need assistance. Unfortunately, I believe very strongly that these issues are going to now have to be dealt with on a professional level. I think I have reached as far as I can on my own and need to reach out for help.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows how unbelievably stubborn I can be and how difficult it can be for me to ask for help. But I am trying and come back to this prayer:

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
(From "The Serentiy Prayer" by Elisabeth Sifton)