30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 2 "Where would you like to be in 10 years?"

An intriguing question for me because there are many variables involved with this question.

1. Will we be successful in trying to have a baby? If yes - then we will be the proud parents of a nearly 9 year old child with I am sure a full schedule of activities and somewhat state of chaos. If no - I hope that we will be using our time together to other dreams such as traveling the world together to visit places we have both dreamed of for years. (To be fair, we still want to do this but if we have children our priorities will be adjusted for awhile!)

2. Will Aaron be in a better place in terms of his job? If yes - then we will be enjoying time together as a family in whatever capacity we can be. If no - then we will be working on finding him a better job prospect in order to get to the "yes" answer.


Ultimately, these 2 things are huge factors in our future because they can drastically alter it.

My hope is that we will continue to be in a strong and loving marriage that will continue to grow and flourish. My hope is that we can continue to have time together with our friends and family that mean so much to us; they been there for us through all this unbelievable stress and roller coaster of emotion that we have been on for the past several years.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 1 "Your current relationship"

I completely stole this idea from a friend's blog and I think it is fantastic. I have been neglecting my blog for too long and have just managed to get back into it and this will do it. It's a challenge and I am up for it.

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Day 1 "current relationship"


Aaron and I met in May, 2007 at a friend's graduation party. I was in charge of the planning it and she wanted a theme graduation party, so we went with the 80's theme. I hit up the Goodwill store and found an awfully 80's outfit to wear. Bright orange pants, a black sequined top, a huge colorful scrunchee for my hair, and sequined slide on shoes. Awesome right??? I looked like I just stepped out "The Wedding Singer." Aaron had met the graduate at a bar a few weeks prior and she had invited him to the party. I never met him until that day. He and a friend showed up and as the hostess, I introduced myself to him and his friend. Little did I know that this interaction was going to change the course of my life forever.

We started chatting and found out that there were some serious common topics for us. Now the tricky part is that: I had just become legally separated from my ex-husband. (A whole different story for a whole different post - believe me!) so I wasn't looking for anything at all. I thought he is really hot (seriously, he is...DAMN) but didn't think anything more of it. We friendly flirted, I thought he would ask me for my phone number - but alas, it did not happen. I left the party later that night to my brand new apartment without a phone number but feeling pretty good about things (This would become a long-running joke amongst us that I was interested and he was oblivious!)

About a month later, I met up with some friends at a bar for drinks. I had been enjoying my new situation of self-exploration. Things were still a touch hostile with the ex but we were working on it since we had so many friends that were mutual. I walk in the bar, and there is he at the table with all of my friends! Surprise of all surprises. Of course the only seat was right next to him (I found out much later it was kind of a set up by our friends because they knew we had gotten along so well at the graduation party). We spent that evening chatting and laughing, we had so much in common.

Unfortunately, as there is with legal separations there was some drama.

My ex was there with us (like I said we were trying to be friendly) and he was struggling with seeing me chatting up someone that was not him. I went up to get a drink and he pulled me outside to lecture me on how I was behaving (mind you, nothing had happened aside from laughing and drinking). He said he didn't think it was appropriate for me to being hitting on someone else right in front of him. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA ensued. He ended up being pulled away from me by a friend to leave because he was in my face screaming and carrying on like a fool. Aaron, had no idea what had been going on (seriously, how do tell someone that? especially when you have only met for a total of an hour over 2 different times?) and he comes out to see what was going on since our entire table of friends had emptied out into the parking lot with the commotion. I am off the side of the parking lot, crying because I HATE public fighting and I felt like a beat-down puppy and Aaron comes over to see if I am all right. I spill my guts as mascara is running down my face to explain the short-short version of what was going on, that I felt horrible that he got pulled into the drama when I really wanted to avoid it all if possible. Then he does the most amazing thing...he grabs my chin and picks it up to look him in the eyes and kisses me. Just like you see in those cheesy romantic comedies, I had one of those moments.

We spent 12 hours together after that, we talked for hours and hours. I got no sleep that night whatsoever and couldn't have cared less! There has been no looking back since then.

When I went home in the morning, I called my friend Sandi and told her I just met "the one." I had no idea I could get hit like a ton of bricks like that before and really only thought that kind of relationship happened in those movies that girls love. I had no idea it was true and real, but damn - it is real.

We moved in together in April of the following year, he proposed in July of 2008 and we were married in June 2009. We just knew things were different, we knew from the very beginning that this was like nothing we had either ever experienced in our lives, and despite some of the friends' opinions that we were moving too fast, nothing ever felt more right.


There are so many things that I love about him, this is just a small sampling:

1. He is unwaveringly optimistic about our chances of being a family - this makes me love him and get frustrated with him from time to time.

2. He is brilliant - he is so unbelievably smart and we have such wonderful conversations about topics that make both of us think to a whole different level of intensity. His memory for things and specifics of events in our life is wonderful. He will remember a conversation we had once and make it into something amazing. Example: We had a conversation about how I had not been to the zoo since moving to the St. Louis area in a random conversation. He planned a whole date around surprising me to take me to the zoo for our first date! Mind you, we got lost because he was trying to keep it a secret, but that just makes it that much sweeter that he did that for me.

3. He is calm and collected when I feel like I am a firework about to explode. I love that, my brain works a million miles an hour thinking of all the "what ifs" and he is the one who keeps me from going completely off the deep end.

4. He is literally my best friend in the world. He is the first person I want to talk to about anything and everything under the sun. When I get good news/bad news/so-so news, he is the person I want to talk to about it.

5. He knows everything about me and all the chaos that has been my life at times and takes it all in stride. He knows my worst/best characteristics and loves me unconditionally. Not many men would take the news of the possibility of not having your own family within the first few weeks of dating without batting an eye at the idea, but ultimately telling me that no matter what, he wanted his life with me. There is a strength there that is astonishing to the core.

I hate feeling this way

I have spent the past few weeks working through emotions about my friends' ability to get pregnant without a struggle like ours has been.

I have had 3 friends in the past 2 weeks who have shared they are expecting a little one. I am thrilled and over the moon for them.

As someone who has struggled for so long, there is a sense of sadness that comes over you when you hear this kind of news. It is not the first sense of feeling, but it comes whether you want it to or not. I experienced this again this morning and I was not able to just push through it the way I have in the past.

This one hit me hard like a baseball bat to the gut that knocks the wind of you.

I love these friends dearly, I have been in 2 of their weddings and think they are going to be amazing parents. It is not that I am not happy for them and the new adventure they are going to be on throughout everything. I will do everything in my power to help them throughout their journey and their children will be spoiled rotten by us.

I wasn't expecting it at all, I never thought I would get as emotional as I was today and I somewhat hate myself for the way I felt. I am frustrated with myself for allowing my emotions to run over me as much as they did today. Ugh, I am so frustrated/disgusted with myself. It is tough for Aaron to deal with seeing me when I am that way, he wants to make things better for me when they are not going well. He struggles with allowing me to vent without trying to guide me back to optimism (I love him for his optimism, just allow me to get through the anger and sadness to be able to get to the optimism I truly have about the process for us.)

I am angry at fate and somewhat I am angry at God for allowing this to happen. Yes, I know the saying of everything happens in God's time and with his plan, it is not up to me to make the plan, but DAMN>>>>>>there is a limit to my patience with this. I have moments of complete loss of logic and brain runs away with itself to the bad place that questions all of our choices for the past 2+ years, the side of my brain that is not logical but emotional and the reactions are just that. I hate that I have that aspect within myself. Ugh. So annoying.  We want to be parents, we have done everything and then some that has been asked of us. We have put it all out there since November of 2009 and here we are still basically in the same place.

We want this so badly and have worked through so many obstacles all along the way. The obstacles have been such a strain on us personally as well as on our relationship. Although it has ultimately strengthened us as couple, it has not been an easy journey to even this point in the process. We are not at the end of the route yet and we have a hard stretch to go, making ourselves go into all the IVF process again knowing exactly what we are getting ourselves back into for the second time. I think it might be harder to do it again than it was to go through it the first time. This time, I know what the pain that will come is, I know what the shots do to me physically and emotionally and what the hassle of doctor's appointments are going to be. We know what the excitement and anticipation that goes into the retrievals and the transfer. Yet, now I have to convince myself to go through it all again.

I think it might be harder to do the second time around because I know exactly what it will feel like and what we will have to go through again.

Man, today was a tough one.

A 6 month countdown to trying IVF round #2

Well, the "trying" has come to a close for the month. Not that we really expected much to come from it all, but hey a girl can hope after all.

Now, we have a new agenda - get in as good of shape as possible before we start trying IVF round #2. We are working on better eating, more physical activity, and just general better health overall for both of us.

The doctors say that women with PCOS can help their fertility by losing weight, although the task is quite tough. Even losing 10% of your body weight can get things moving in the right direction. I have lost 30 pounds since we did IVF in August, which is a downright miracle in and of itself. But now, we are going to continue to work on it as much as possible to help our cause when we go through it again. The more I can do to make the situation better, the better chance we have of having success with IVF. I want to do everything in my power to make our chances as positive as we can be going through all of it again.

IVF is tough on many levels and the more I can do, the better.

From 2005 to when I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2006, I had gained nearly 60 pounds and only through searching and many tests was the doctor able to figure out all of the issues I had been having since puberty. 60 extra pounds puts a tremendous amount of strain on my hormones, which is causing some of the infertility problems we are facing. I have lost 30 of those pounds and am going to work as hard as possible to lose the rest of it and more if possible by June when we are hoping to try again.

I am going to try to stay as positive as possible.

Where would I be???

I have spent this week without seeing my husband due to his job putting him on 2nd shift and it will continue into next week. It has made me think about where I would be without him?

I had the fortune of meeting Aaron on chance in 2007 and my life has never been the same since then. In that time, we have become inseparable in so many ways. He is the person I want to talk to every day - good or bad. He is the person I can't wait to hug when I get home and no matter what, I know he will stand by me.

When we started our TTC journey, many people asked how we as a couple were going to deal with the stress and he has never wavered. I am in awe of his strength as we have struggled for over 2 years. He just holds the faith it will work. I would be lost without him, he doesn't tell me to pull myself together when I am upset, he doesn't question me when I cry out of frustration. He is amazing.

I have missed being able to talk to him and spend time with him this week. He is my favorite person.

Reflection on my journey so far...2 years of trying and still nowhere closer

Well, it has been 2 years since we started trying for our family together and I have a few reflections and thoughts about where we are right now. These are just some things I have learned through the process that maybe someone else could benefit from and just allows me to get vent my feelings on the subject.


1. My favorite person at the RE's office is the lady who checks you in every time you go. She always has a smile and never remembers your name, but is the lady who tells you what the status is for the day. Make her your friend, she can get you in when things happen quickly over the weekend and it's Monday morning. She's the maitre de at a fancy club who can get you a table when you don't have a reservation.

2. After a few days of giving yourself shots, you begin to think it's normal to have to use multiple needles within a few minutes, despite the fact that your abdomen is covered in bruises and is swollen to 2 times its pre-shot size. Sadly, you start to look forward to doing it so that you can quickly put it out of your mind for another day.

3. Stretchy yoga pants were the best thing for injection weeks. Comfy with space to have your belly expand with the swelling...not totally dressy enough for work, but they are the best thing when you feel like a swollen balloon and moving around is the last thing you want to do. The inventor should be kissed by all women going through IVF.

4. The idea of taking Clomid again ever in my life is one of the worst ideas EVER and makes me want to cry in a ball in the corner. Women who take it and don't kill anyone should receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for strength. Husbands who want to have sex with their wives when they are taking it, deserve major brownie points to be redeemed at further points down the road.

5. No husband should have that much information about his wife's vagina/uterus/menstrual cycle/ovaries and still be expected to have sex whenever the timing is right for baby-making. Who could do that without some serious effort????

6. The procedures are intense and expensive, I do not for the life of me understand how people can pay out of pocket for this process without insurance paying for some of the different co-pays. I am grateful constantly that I live in a state that has mandatory fertility coverage.

7. All women ages 20+ should take the prenatal vitamin. It's just a good vitamin that makes your nails strong, your hair pretty, and your immune system becomes the Chuck Norris of fighting off infections. I managed to avoid the swine flu when many students in my classes were down for the count and normally I get a cold when someone within 5 miles has one.

8. Having an HSG and they telling you it will be mildly uncomfortable is one of the largest lies ever told. Having your ass in the air, while a radiologist (no not an OBGYN so no sensitivity to a sensitive area) injects dye through each side of your fallopian tubes individually, then making you roll over to each side while your body tries desperately to push the dye back out. I took Vicodin and still cried on the table from the pain.

9. The worst part of the whole process in terms of procedures was the egg retrieval. Nothing prepares you for the waking up from anesthesia disoriented, not recognizing anyone around you, not being able to take the good pain medicines, and in pain from the needles poking through your uterus into your ovaries. AND the pain does not go away for several days, but then you have the added uncomfortable-ness of the egg transfer.

10. The progesterone shot right above your ass hurts like hell and never gets easier. Oh yeah, and you may have to have it once a day for up through the first trimester. I would get angry when Aaron would come close to me with that big thick damn needle. He was not my favorite person for those few minutes everyday.

11. IVF can fail nearly 50% of the time for no reason aside from it just fails. The odds are not as strong as people assume they are given everything a woman has to go through to get to the transfer.

12. The 18 days they make you wait between the transfer and the blood test to reveal the results of the many, many weeks of driving, ultrasounds, daily blood work, shots, painful procedures, and anxiety is the slowest time. The days drag on and on, you think more than ever before that you are feeling things that you may not be, and all you can think about is the result. Was it all worth the trip? The questions in your brain can drive you crazy and staying as busy as possible was the only way I survived that time.

13. NEVER FORGET to thank your significant other for all the help they have to do when you are on 2 days of bed rest after the transfer. I wasn't even able to lift my laptop, Aaron did everything for me during that time and I wouldn't have survived without him.

14. Directly tied to that, significant others need to tell the person going through it all that they appreciate and love all they are willing to put their body through to have a 50/50 shot at a baby. This can never be done enough throughout the entire process and makes things much easier to deal with from day to day.

15. Despite everything, I will do it as often as I can until we run out of insurance, money, or the doctors tell us it will not work for us.

Well, the waiting game begins again.

So, my wonderful RE has allowed me to continue to take Femara to attempt to ovulate on my own while we are waiting for the next IVF cycle (not happening until summer due to me not having tons of sick days to take for all the procedures and recovery from all of that).

Well yesterday was the big go time on the ovulation test and we are "casually" trying. This is just that we are going to try to time ourselves in the general time frame of the positive, but we are not going too crazy with the intensity of the "trying."

Now we are waiting again to see what the deal is on our own. We haven't been in this kind of situation since the IVF waiting game back in August. It was quite difficult that time due to all the intense issues with meds, etc. This time, I am trying to be more calm and laid back about the whole thing, we will see how that goes.

I would love to not have to go through all the shots, ultrasounds, procedures, and pain etc that go along with the IVF - however if it is what I have to do, then I will do it all again in a heartbeat. We hit 2 years of trying at the end of last year and it is just a sad state of affairs. We are just sad at the whole issue and the amount of time involved in this whole trying to be a family process. I know, I know - Aaron and I are a family just the two of us no matter if we ever have a child or not, but we have so much love to give that we want to have a child of our own to share it with.

We do not have adoption as an option due to finances, etc and I would have a hard time if it fell through at the last minute. Same feeling about foster care, if I had a child in foster care and then had to give it back to a situation that was not a healthy one, it would just destroy me. I want to have children in our home, but I am not sure I can handle it that way.

One thing that was made very clear to me with all I went through this year is in fact how fragile and vulnerable my heart is when I open it up that large with hope and caring. I will do it again, but I will do so somewhat cautiously right now to make sure I don't end up in the bad mental place I spent the fall in for reasons completely unrelated to infertility. I cannot manage that again, I nearly fell apart then and I am only now on the mend to a good mental place, another reason we are not jumping back on the roller coaster of the infertility ride.

I wish that things were easier and that things could just happen for us all ready, it's been such a long journey and the end of it will be the start of a new journey. We are so ready to be there...so badly and desperately do we want to be there.

2012 - please allow us our dream, please allow us this without much difficulty, and allow us to have the sense of peace that will come from getting off the infertility ride.

A New Year, a New Attitude

Well, 2011 is officially gone and I am not sad to see it go.

It was a difficult year from the start - one of the most challenging in my memory. I am going to be optimistic that 2012 will be a better year.

I have a wonderful husband, great friends (near and far), a family who loves me, and amazing co-workers who have all been there with me through this year. I am so grateful for them and cannot wait to see what the new year will bring!

Happy New Year everyone!

Good-bye 2011

Well it's been awhile since I have written and I wish I could say that it's going to change anytime soon. Probably not.

I have hope that things will improve to the point that I have more optimism. I really want things to get better and we are going to be working on it in the new year. I am working on getting out the frustrations now so that I can start the new year in a better frame of mind to make things better from this point forward.

Long time, no update - things could be better for certain

Where has the time gone? I am sure that I could explain but it's not the place for that kind of honesty that could result in bad things in my life.

I have to keep myself from going to that dark place again. I have just started to come out of it and going back is scarier than I can describe.

Yes, this post is a different tune than the other ones. Things in my life are more of a struggle than they ever were with the infertility journey. That part of my life has been put on hold indefinitely, which is probably the best thing right now as difficult of a decision as it was for us to make at the time.

We are in a tough place right now, I thought it would get to be easier by sticking it through the really tough times we have had lately but it isn't any better yet. We were making some progress with things and then got a swift kick in the butt back a far away.

Who knew there would be something worse in my life than infertility??? After nearly 2 years of trying to have a baby: 7 months of fertility meds, 3 inseminations, 6 weeks of shots and limited activity, 15+ pounds of weight gain due to meds, 1 painful egg retrieval of 14 eggs, 2 egg transfer, and 2 days of solid bed rest - I found something that makes all of that look uncomplicated and painless. Who knew such a thing existed??

Someday, all the bad things that have happened to me will be explained and I will have a reason for them. Someday, all of the dreams we have had for years will come true. I have to believe it or I will lose faith in many things.

Things are just a mess

You know sometimes in life things are just chaos without a reason? This has been my life since the IVF treatments were done i,n August.

I wonder often how I have found the strength to get through things and move along from day to day. Right now, I am wondering how I am going to get through all there is now and come out the other side successfully. The details of what is happening are not necessary except that they are incredibly difficult to deal with and make the journey through infertility seem simple and not complicated in any way. Wow, never thought I would feel that way about anything after how difficult IVF was this summer but somehow it's true.

Thank goodness for my friends and family. They are my strength right now when I don't have enough for myself. I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me.

1 year later

Well here it is one year after our chemical pregnancy and we are not any closer to our dream than we were then.

Someday it will be our turn.

Small Update

We are putting TTC to the back burner for awhile.

I have some serious work load between teaching and graduate school this semester, trying to give those things my attention and TTC is probably not best for my health. I am not sure when we are going to return to all this, but we will return.

I am probably not going to be updating much right now due to work overload, just letting you all know.

Settling into the school year??? Yeah, right.

It is quickly coming to the end of the 3rd week of school and I would love to say it's calmed down, however that would be a gross understatement to the truth. It's chaos wrapped in anarchy with a side of nuts for extra flavor.

My teaching has become more intense than any of the previous years I have taught. With teaching special education, varying levels of ability within  a class is par for the course. However, this year is a new challenge that has required me to seek out additional supports from other teachers, I have no shame when it comes to this - help is needed and therefore asked for. I do find it interesting though how many teachers do not always seek assistance and allow their own ego of "I have taught for x years and therefore should be able to solve this problem without help." Really not me particularly with this year's challenge. Thankfully, I work in a district where the help is not only available but they are more than happy to provide additional supports and supplies. Makes the journey a little easier when you have people to help!

I am grad school 2 nights a week (makes for REALLY long days - leaving the house at 7:30 am and not getting home until 7:30 pm or later). The classes I am taking are interesting, just very involved though. I am taking special education law, which I have not taken since I was a junior in my undergrad (approximately Fall 2000 - Spring 2001) so it's quite an adventure. I am glad though because so much has changed in the laws particularly recently. They are just going to be a HUGE time commitment.

In terms of the TTC stuff, I started the Femara on Saturday and finished the dose last night. Now comes the fun of ovulation tests 2 times a day until we know it is happening or not. Certainly better than 3 shots a day of stimulation medicines again, I can handle a break from that for awhile longer, particularly with the level of work I have between teaching and grad school. It would be more of a challenge.

The only thing that was tough was that the hormones took awhile to get out of my system as I talked about in my previous post about not feeling like myself. Now I am FINALLY feeling more like myself than I have in more than 2 months, thank goodness. It was driving me nuts, I felt like my body was on a 10 all the time, a state of constant going. This presented itself with a whole new level of challenge - how to get it to shut down to go to sleep at the end of the day, how to do anything to relax when the stress was too much, etc. Aaron and I talked about it, we are going to do this Femara step until probably next semester when I am done with these 2 really involved grad classes. Who knows? Maybe we will get lucky and it will work for us, it would be our luck that we went through IVF and would get lucky just trying on our own with medicine. Just seems to be our luck lately.

Really want to feel like myself again

I am struggling.

I am struggling with feeling disconnected from myself in all aspects of my life, I do not feel like I am doing a good job at any part of my life. I feel like I am struggling as a teacher, a wife, a friend, and everything else. I feel completely disconnected from it and I am struggling with what to do to get reconnected with things.

I have not had an easy time since the call last week about IVF, even after the call from the doctor last night that brought some comfort. I have been really upset every time I think about the situation and still feel like I am processing it all. However, the problem is that I cannot process with so much going on all at the same time. The start of school and getting things in order for that part, along with dealing with the emotions that go with the IVF ending, plus graduate school starting = overload on so many levels.

This week has been hard, I have broken down nearly everyday in tears to some degree even if it's only for a few minutes at a time. I am trying but man do I feel like I am doing a terrible job at all aspects of my life right now.

I am not looking for sympathy or thoughts of "it will get better," so please don't do that. I just needed to get it out.

Recommendations from the RE for the future (info specific and possibly TMI - just a warning)

I spoke the RE today about the whole situation with the failure of the IVF. We talked for nearly a half hour, I have to say that I really like her and appreciate all her effort on our behalf through all of this. She has been an advocate from the very beginning and calls me at home on her own time to make sure we are doing all right. She answered our freaked out call at nearly midnight when we were concerned about a sharp pain I was having after the transfer without hesitation and explained everything quite well. I think that makes it easier to deal with in the long run.

First, she is frustrated that it didn't work for us because as they (they being all 6 REs in the practice, including 2 that were some of the first to do IVF in our area) could not find a specific reason for the failure aside from the fact that we just had the bad luck of falling into the nearly 1/2 who don't work. She said when they looked at the whole protocol and results of the egg quality, there are only small changes they would want to make for the future.

This is comforting and frustrating all at once. It is nice to know that there isn't anything else we could have done to have a serious change of events for us. But at the same time, to not have the medical explanation for the failure.

Secondly, she said they as a collective group definitely recommend us doing IVF again if that's what we decide to do because of all those things. She said that my egg quality was good and I responded very well to the medications and we have good information from the first one to help us make small suggestions for change for the future. But she wants us to be set and comfortable before we jump back into it all again and not to do it before we felt prepared on all levels.

Third, she was completely all right with us taking time before doing it again without stopping all together. She is going to have me take the medication that I was on with the inseminations to help keep me regular (which I am very much not on a normal basis) and that will allow us to "try" with simply doing it on our own with timed intercourse to positive ovulation tests for a few months until we are ready to talk about it again. This is great news because it allows my ovaries to heal up from the over-stimulation but doesn't stop us from trying while we are working up to IVF again. It's a great thing and she is very comfortable with this and wants to do anything she can to assist us with this time of healing.

Other benefits to this step are that since I can be regular on it, I can work on continuing to lose some weight as I have been since about April slowly but surely. I am down nearly 16 pounds since then and that is with gaining and losing weight with the stimulation medication for all that time. With my period being more regular, it helps the metabolism which for people with PCOS (like me) is a huge issue in losing weight. This will also help to make my egg quality become better which will then help with the potential retrievals down the road.

So we are going to start the medication this weekend to do the timed intercourse for the next month and see where we go from here.

At least the question of what could we have done to make it work has been answered and it's nothing. That does help some of the issues of healing for us. We are going to give ourselves time to heal completely before doing this and have to figure out many things logistically before doing it again. We have to figure out money, and how I am going to balance the back and forth to the hospital for the appointments and still be at work, as well as when we will be mentally ready to put ourselves out there again. It's such a huge commitment to the whole process from both me and Aaron and we need to make sure we are completely ready for it all again.

Better than the other day, but a long way to go

After a few days of dealing with the news and doing lots of thinking about what to do from here, we are feeling better (not great, that will come with time) about our decisions.

We are going to take our time with starting up anything again, we really need to heal and to allow us to heal at our pace. We don't want to put a time frame on it, we have said that we would re-evaluate the situation every few months to see where we stand on things. That's about our only idea at this point and I am very happy with the choice. We have spent nearly 2 years working toward this every month and with the IVF taking so much time/effort/energy, the idea of taking a step back for awhile although frustrating is the best thing to help with healing.

Our friends and family have been amazing the past few days and we would not have made it through without them. The support all along the journey to this point has been so helpful and I am not sure how we would have made it otherwise. I know that no matter what we decide to do, try IVF again, seriously look into additional adoption options, or whatever they will be there to support us 1000%.

Sometimes I wish we had an easier journey, sometimes I wish we would have gotten our dream sooner. But then I think about how much we have gone through and how much more we are going to value our child when they are here because of everything. It's not easy to be trying for so long, it's so draining on every level. But, at the same time, it has made us re-evaluate so many things in our lives as important to us and that changes as we go through month to month.

We are working on how we feel about it and going to spend some time doing soul searching for our dream. I hope we can eventually get what we want, it is just going to take longer than we had hoped.

Failed IVF - A Reflection of the Journey

We had our blood work done yesterday and it was negative. Heartbreaking news to hear to say the least.

I had told the nurses to call and leave a message on my voicemail because I wouldn't be able to answer the phone and didn't want to answer it until after school was over because I knew I was going to have a strong reaction either way. When I checked my phone, the doctor's office had called 4 times and left 2 voicemails - it freaked me out and I had to find out what the deal was. So I listened...and immediately crumpled to my desk with the news. I had to leave the school and come home, I could not be there anymore with all the emotions I was going through in that moment. Thankfully, I have amazing co -workers who took my class so I could leave. My principal walked me all the way out to the car and hugged me in support.

I came home and cried for about an hour straight - sobbed uncontrollably while feeling completely defeated would be a better way of describing how I felt.

My RE's nurse called me and we talked for about 20 minutes. She said the my RE meets with the other doctors in her practice every Tuesday to talk about the IVF patients that did not have success. They figure that 6 doctors looking at how it went may help to see something that someone else may not have seen and give suggestions. I told her that I would like to hear what they have to say about recommendations for the future to help us make a decision about doing it again so we can have all the options.

Aaron and I talked about it at great length and we came to a few conclusions:

1. We need to heal - physically, emotionally, mentally. This could take a great deal amount of time and we are not going to put a time restraint on it, when we feel ready to start we will start.

2. We need to listen to the recommendations of the RE after their meeting as to which protocol we would follow if we decide to do it again.

3. We are going to reconsider all of our options, including adoption before we make any major decisions about anything.

Things we learned through our journey:

1. We are stronger than either of us thought we could be to get through all of this.

2. We have amazing friends, family, and support that have helped us get through the past few months without completely losing our minds in the stress of it all.

3. Aaron and I are stronger as a couple than we were at the beginning of our marriage, our relationship has become very strong because we have had to be there to support each other. It makes me happy that we can work through anything.

Side effects or possible pregnancy symptoms??? Who could tell???

So I have been on progesterone since the day of the egg retrieval 8/3. We are officially 7dp3dt as of today and still have too many days to go before we have the blood work done on Friday. Ugh...too long from now. I want answers as to what I am feeling. I do feel things but I am not sure at this point if they are side effects or possible pregnancy symptoms.

Here are the side effects of progesterone:

Bloating; breast tenderness; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; fluid retention; headache; heartburn; irritability; muscle pain; nausea; stomach pain or cramping; tiredness; vomiting.

Things I am feeling:

All of the above.


Unfortunately, those are many symptoms the books say can be early signs of pregnancy as well, who could tell at this point what is what? This is so frustrating.

The one thing I am tired of hearing lately is how we have to give ourselves time to heal before we make a decision about to do next if it doesn't work for us this time. I know that people have the best of intentions, but what is that old saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." We have many people who fall into that category, not all advice is desired or needed when it comes to all of this stuff. I know that when we decided to be open about our journey to being a family that we have to take the good with the bad, but it's never easy to deal with when it is completely unwanted.

The only thing we know at this point is that we are going to have to sit down to have a long conversation about what we want to do no matter what the test results are going to be. If it is positive, we are going to talk about the options for the possibility of it being multiples. If it is negative, we are going to talk about how we feel about IVF again and if/when we would consider doing it again. There are many things to talk about on either end of the spectrum and it is going to take some serious thinking. It's not going to be something we jump to make a decision on and make an announcement to the world about it. We will tell people when we want everyone to know (sorry blogger world - privacy is very important with this until we make a final choice).

Ugh, 5 days til the test and an eternity to go. It has taken us 21 months to get here and these last few days may be the worst of the wait - that's saying something .

Finally feeling better

For the first time since the retrieval, I feel better. I would not go so far as to say I feel good, but better than the way I was feeling for the past week. Small steps of improvement finally.

We have a week until our blood test and this week went surprisingly fast.

My dear friend came to keep me company for a few days and that time when by way too quickly. It was nice to have someone here because I was starting to lose my mind with it being just me all the time.

Then I have spent the last 3 days at school getting ready for the new school year. I am officially back full-time as of Monday and had lots to do to get ready. Thankfully, I had moved all my things into my new room before the summer started because we were pretty sure that I wasn't going to be able to now and I am glad that I did.

It's hard to believe the summer is gone for me now. It went by in a blink.

One week to go until we find out what has happened and have to make a decision about the next step. We decided that no matter what the results are, we are going to be very reserved about it until we have processed it properly enough to be ready for the inevitable questions that come with either outcome. I know that I have been open about all the steps in this process (maybe to a fault?) but Aaron and I are going to need some privacy whether it's positive or negative for us to deal with it in the way that's best for us. Yes, it will be tough to not just tell everyone the news but we have to protect ourselves first and foremost.

Just ready to know, it's been a long time in the coming and we have never been so close before in the 21 months we have been trying.

Update - 4 days post 3 day transfer (4dp3dt for short)

I am doing all right, the first 2 days after the transfer I wasn't allowed to do anything at all by dr orders and husband orders. It was not as glamorous as it sounds though, very frustrating. Aaron had to lift my laptop onto my lap desk to be able to use it because it was beyond my lifting ability. I started doing some light duty stuff on Monday, but am still not back where I was before.

I am dealing with the side effects from the progesterone shots - sleeplessness, constipation (with pain since that whole area is sensitive right now), and a soreness on my lower back muscles since that's where they have to be injected. I hate them!! I am glad if they are helping, but I dread it when Aaron tells me it is time for the shot because they hurt. Found out the side effects the hard way on Saturday night when I had a really sharp pain on one side. At nearly midnight, we called the emergency exchange because it was very sharp. That's how we found out that I was going to need to add stool softeners to my medicine cocktail to help since the progesterone can slow the bowel down. Great.

I went into school today to start getting things together - school starts Monday with kids on Tuesday. I am working on building up my energy level since I have been so low in activity for so long now, I am not used to it. I think the first week is going to completely exhaust me more than it usually does anyway.

We did find out that none of our embryos made it to cryopreserve so if we don't have luck this time, we have to start over with the injections again to have another chance. That was discouraging. We know they put the best 2 in me, but we were hoping to have a few to try before going through all of that again. We are staying positive about our chances now, but it took our back up plan out of the way right away. It's been a rough pill to swallow for the two of us and it's been pretty hard.

We had our transfer today

We got the call this morning at about 7:30 am telling us that we were set for our transfer this morning!! We were so excited to get going on it.

The doctor showed us how our 8 embryos had been doing while we got set up for the transfer. We had 3 that stopped growing by this morning, so they will not be used for even the potential of cryopreserve. We were transferring 2 today and we have 3 they are still going to watch to see if we can freeze them for the future (we really hope so but we won't know until the end of the week, they have to watch them for a few more days before we know for sure).

The transfer itself wasn't too bad, mostly bad due to having a full bladder for the ultrasound to be used coupled with the swollen ovaries I still have and the uterus cramping I still have from the retrieval the other day. Once they got the catheter in the right place, it was pretty easy. I had to then lie down for 30 minutes after before we were discharged.

As I was lying there, Aaron and I talked about things. We are nervous we won't have any embryos to freeze to try again before having to do the whole injections all over again, we are nervous that we will have gone through all of this and come out with no baby. We talked about it and I am not sure how I feel about going through all of this again, it has been so tough on both of us (me physically more than Aaron). If we get one baby out of this, that is going to be it for us. I would love for both of them to take, but if only one does we are just as happy with that as we would be with anything else.

We have an appointment for a blood test on 8/19 - just under 2 weeks from now.  I am not going to do any home pregnancy tests because they can be inaccurate due to HCG shot I had to take before the retrieval. I could get a false positive and that would be devastating. I am just going to wait.

Now we have done everything we can to make the situation as best as it can be and it's out of our hands. It's kind of relieving actually to have it be out of our hands. The prep work for this has been extraordinary and I have worried every step of the way that I was going to do something that would mess it up. Now, there is nothing else I can do but wait. It's actually a relief to be at this point.

Please let this be our chance - 21 months of trying and now 2 weeks to find out if our best chance has gotten us our dream.

Results from retrieval

We have 8 eggs that fertilized of the 14!!

All 5 of the ones they injected the sperm into fertilized and 3 of the ones they put the eggs and sperm in the same dish fertilized. This is awesome news.

They will watch for until Saturday morning to decide which are the 2 best ones are to transfer. If they are all looking pretty good or look like they need a little more time, they will watch them until Monday. We won't get the call until Saturday morning about coming in, so it's a waiting game now.

We are going to transfer 2 - we have a good chance of both of them taking which would mean that we won't have to do this ever again.

I am so excited and relieved right now.

I feel much better today than yesterday, still sore and a little crampy but pretty much better than it was.

Retrieval complete

The retrieval went really well.

They got 14 of the 16 follicles with strong and good eggs!! The cramping was bananas though with the whole they have to go through the uterus wall thing, but it's much much better now than it was this morning after the procedure.

I have been chilling out, I came home and slept nearly 4 hours in a row. We will get the fertilization report tomorrow to see how many actually fertilized. Transfer set for either Saturday or Monday depending on how they develop over the next few days. The hard part of this process is done now, the transfer is about the same as the IUI.

Now back to resting.

Good-bye 3 shots a day - Hello egg retrieval!

I just got the fantastic call from the doctor about the ultrasound results from this morning and we are good to go for the egg retrieval!!!!

I sat down and cried for a few minutes to let it all sink in.  It has been quite the journey to this point and we are beyond ready for the next step.

No more 3 shots a night, no more bloating from swollen ovaries, and time to get ready for the surgery.

We are scheduled to do our HCG trigger shot tonight and our appointment for the surgery is Wednesday morning first thing.

I can hardly believe after all this prep: almost 4 weeks on Lupron, 11 days of 3 shots a day (ugh), swollen ovaries, no pants fitting, tough time sleeping from nerves and side effects of meds, 6 doctors appointments 45 minutes away in 12 days, 2 ultrasounds and 6 blood draws.

It's almost surreal at this point.

Good news!

We went in for the ultrasound scan of my ovaries this morning after 8 days of stimulating. I was so nervous that I could barely sleep last night because I was so worried that I had been on these meds and that my body wasn't reacting as powerfully as they wanted it. I was nervous, nervous, nervous!!

The scan went really well, they want to see the follicles (sacks that hold eggs in ovaries) to be at 18 mm to be considered ready for retrieval. I had a 3-4 that were at about 15-16 mm all ready and then I had 12-13 remaining at about 11-14 mm. They tend to grow 1-2 mm a day on the medicine depending on the dosage so we may only have a few more days of this before we are ready for the retrieval. THANK GOD! I go back on Monday for another scan and blood draw to check the hormone levels and there is a good chance that we may get the green light to do the HCG shot which would signal us to do the retrieval!

I feel like a hugely puffed up balloon and today I saw why, my ovaries are huge on the screen. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to see them on the screen because I never have fully understood what I see on the screen. The follicle sacks were very clear on the screen and man alive were my ovaries huge.

It means that all of this has been working and that makes me happy that this has been working the way they want it to. It means we are on track for the retrieval to take place this week and hopefully have the transfer either at the beginning of the weekend or the beginning of the following week. It's exciting and nerve-wrecking all at the same time.

A test of faith to a large degree

After taking the new medicines for 3 days now and feeling the effects of the stimulation drugs, I am convinced that this is a test of faith. Faith in the process, faith in my doctors, faith in myself to handle all of this, faith in my relationship with Aaron to survive all of this, and faith in general.

The first 2 go hand-in-hand - faith in the process and my doctors. I have to trust my doctors know what they are doing by recommending these medicines in this order on these days of the stimulation. I have to trust in the fact that they have had success in the past with people who have a similar medical history as I do and are only going to do as much as they need to in order to get us where we need to be. I have to tell myself that several times a day.

Faith in my relationship with Aaron is simple. I know there is very little doubt that we can survive this, we have gone through other challenges and come out the other side stronger than ever. We just need to remind ourselves over and over that we have done other things and we love each other. This is bringing us closer to our dream that we have shared since the beginning of our relationship.

My faith in general has been shaken to the core with the infertility aspect of my life. I have never considered myself necessarily religious, but I have become much more spiritual throughout it. I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason and there is a bigger plan at work that is beyond my control. Yes, it would be nice for things to happen when I believe they should, however that is not in fact the case.

Finally, the most difficult one is faith in myself. There are moments in the day nearly everyday that test my ability to think I can handle these medications. It is tough when your body has a mind of its own without giving you a heads-up to the length of time they are going to stay and how intense they are going to be. I worry that I will not be strong enough and will allow the temporary pain to overrun my thoughts and consume me. I worry that my body won't respond well to the medicines and I will suffer from even more serious effects. And, more importantly, I worry that my body will fail me when we get to the retrieval and I will not have any eggs that will survive to even try to be our babies. It's a scary way to feel and I have to focus on how I have been through terrible and painful (physically and emotionally) in my life and have been able to come out the other side stronger than ever. I have to remind myself daily how I have done that and be strong.

We have the go ahead from the RE - IVF time!

I went to the RE yesterday morning to have an ultrasound and a hormone check blood draw. We were checking to see if the medicine I have been on for the last 2 weeks has been working the way we need it to in order to start the stimulation part of IVF. It was nerve-wrecking time to wait for the results because if it didn't go well, we could be looking at pushing things back a week or two. Having to wait longer is so freaking scary at this point since it has been so long since we started and we want to be parents.

I received the great news yesterday afternoon - my hormone levels were right where they wanted them to be and the ultrasound showed many follicles just waiting to be stimulated! This means it's time to start the stimulation medicine today to hopefully have many of the follicle grow to where we need them in order to use them in the IVF retrieval.

Tonight starts the upping of the injections and the lowering of my activity level to keep from doing more damage than good. I have been stocking up on the things I can do from the couch or that are more just laid back to help keep from doing more damage. All of that starts today!

A email from my uncle that made things so much easier to deal with

I wrote on Facebook on Father's Day last month about the 2 men in my life who took the place of the man who chose not to be in my life as a father - my 2 uncles. This is what I wrote:

happy Father's Day to all the men who were "fathers" in my life (uncles, brothers, & moms who had to be both), all those who are fathers (friends and family), those no longer here (my father-in-law I never met who passed away on Father's Day 10 years ago but know through the family), & the man who will be the father to my children someday (Aaron)

Here is the email I received from one of them and it changed my whole day. I am very lucky to have him in my life for more reasons than I am sure they do not even know:

Christine

I was getting ready to post a message to Facebook yesterday  (now that I am more willing to use the social networking stuff….)

And I realized that I had failed to respond to your Facebook photo/post on Father’s Day – and, for that, I apologize

That you would post for all the world to see (or at least all the Facebook folks) – that you consider me to have played a fatherly role is very humbling and gratifying

I should have replied immediately and on the Facebook site –for everyone to see how honored I was that you should consider me to have fulfilled an important role in your life.

I know that growing up with an absentee father was difficult for you – and formed some parts of the you that you became – in many ways. 

One of my favorite memories is of helping you learn to ride a bicycle without training wheels – there were some anxious, frustrating moments, an argument or two, and maybe a small scrape – but you were determined – and succeeded -   as you have in so many things through the years.

I wish you hadn’t had to grow up so quickly and take on many responsibilities that you got at an early age – but (as all the “cool” kids say) it is what it is/was -  and you became all the better for it in the long run.  (at least that is a good way to look back on it all now).   

 

Although I was always away when you were growing up – either at college or on an Army assignment somewhere -  I tried to make the most of the short interaction times I had with you during holidays or other visits to the Chicago area   (and your brothers and sister and cousins no matter the then-current state of family dynamics) .

We share more than a birth month and the fact of being the youngest born child - 

I see many similarities -  a career devoted to serving others,  a willingness to venture out on your own at a young age, a love of learning, a bit of a temper, a smidgen of stubborn-ness,  and an strong independence.

I think I have told you before – and if not – another failure on my part

The day of your Master’s graduation – when I saw you enter the auditorium and take your seat – I was overwhelmed with pride – I literally could feel my heart rate rise and chest swell with pride.

Pride -  For all that you have overcome in your lifetime -  illnesses, familial situations, relationships, academic demands, external demands on your time, financial needs (and getting jobs to pay for what you needed and wanted)

Pride  - For all that you have become -  a wonderful person, a great wife, a outstanding teacher, a mentor and friend to many.

Love

Uncle Bill

Trouble sleeping again

UGH. UGH. UGH.

I am barely sleeping at night right now, it's not so much fun. I have been tired as hell and not able to sleep for the past few nights without knowing why.

Now I do, I investigated some of the side effects of the Lupron and here is what I found: hot flashes (flushing), increased sweating, night sweats, tiredness, headache, upset stomach, breast changes, acne, joint/muscle aches, and trouble sleeping. 

Apparently, the first 2 weeks you are on these you can have an increase in hormones before they begin to decrease and these symptoms are at their worst. Well, that is right smack dab where I am right now. 

DAMNIT!  

NOT FAIR! 

I like sleep and this struggling to sleep is tough on me. 

Hot Flashes & St. Louis weather = new look

Well I am on one week of the injections and I have to say that the only thing I really don't like is the hot flashes! They are intense. Not to mention that it's July in St. Louis which is in the mid to upper 90s with humidity and heat indexes up into the triple digits. So you can see my issue.

Solution:

1. Buy more powerful fans to have on me at night when they seem to be the worst

2. Cut my hair to help my head not be so heavy and hot!


Before:

After:

I have had it this length before, actually when I met Aaron 4 years ago it was about this length. I like it, it's quick and easy - not to mention that I have options on the style more. The only thing I think I am going to miss is the being able to pull it all back into a ponytail but there are options to choose from.

I hate today - fender bender and undue stress

Today started off with great intentions, I was going shopping and going to have lunch with a friend.

On the other hand, the reality of the day is that it was a pile of shit.

I was in a fender bender in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. It wasn't serious and no one was injured. But what a pain in the ass it turned out to be. It was just an accident - we both backed into each other out of our parking spaces. Both of our tail lights were cracked and broken off, we each had some cracks and dents in our bumpers. Since it was on private property and the cop said it looked like we had just backed into each other, neither of us was ticketed for fault.

The rest of the day was filled with back-and-forth's to my insurance agent's office and the auto body shop to get an estimate. The damage is about $1200 to my car. I have to wait for the official police report about things - she was a terrible person to get into a fender bender with. She was yelling and acting like a fool, trying to convince the cop to give me a ticket and blaming me for everything. Grow up! It was an accident, not a tragic situation. Inconvenient, yes - the end of all things, nope.

I don't need this stress right now, dealing with insurance companies and the auto body shops to get it all taken care of on top of the injections for IVF and prepping for it all. UGH. Not at all what I need right now.

3 days of injections and doing okay

Well I have 3 days of injections under my belt and I am feeling somewhat better about the whole thing.

The first day was really nerve-wrecking, I started and stopped about 3 times before I finally had the nerve to do it and get it over with. I was surprised with how much force it took to put the needle through the skin.

The second one was easier and so was the third. I am hoping by the time we are up to 3 shots a day, it will be almost second nature to me to have to give myself the shots.

My issue: side effects. I get some soreness at the injection site that lasts a little while, I feel a little bloated in my abdomen, and hot flashes have started. I was reading online about the side effects and apparently this is pretty common due to the concentration of the medicine going into the body. My problem with this is that is in the upper 90s this week in my area and just dealing with the air temp is hard let alone the hot flashes at the same time.

I still get nervous as hell as soon as I am going to inject myself and have to take a deep breath every time.

It will all be worth it in the end...if I just keep telling myself this over and over it may get much easier to deal with all the injections time after time.

Information Overload

We just got home from orientation - while I am glad in some respects for clarifications that they gave us, I am still nervous as hell about starting to give myself injections tomorrow. They showed us how to do it all but I think until I actually do it, I am not going to feel better about anything. I am kind of a person who learns by doing.


New things we learned today:

1. Progesterone injections that start the day of the egg retrieval will last not only through the positive pregnancy test, but for 8-10 weeks into the pregnancy as well. (This makes Aaron kind of nervous because he is going to have to help me with this one and he is afraid of hurting me or doing it wrong).

2. My ovaries will begin the whole process as the size of a walnut, but by the time we do the egg retrieval, they will each be the size of a tennis ball. (YIKES!)

3. When we start stimulation (potentially 7/22), we have to keep my activity level low - this prevents me from jarring my ovaries and causing pain/damage to myself. This means I will be lying VERY low from that point on and will need lots of entertainment that involves me doing only a small amount of activity.

4. At one point, I will be on 3 injectable meds, antibiotics, plus my prenatal vitamin and metformin.

5. The most eggs we will have transferred during the transfer is 2 - the number of eggs is depending on your age, since I am under 35 recommendations are not to do more than 2 to lighten the chance at multiples (my specialist does not want multiples to be the goal).

6. My specialist's office prefers quality of the eggs over the quantity of eggs.

7. I am in the high risk for multiples category: I am less than 38 years old, have not had any failed IVF cycles, I have a normal uterine cavity, and I have not had endometriosis. This means that I have more than 33% chance of having twins (that's considered a high risk and that statistic is based on my specialist's office statistics from 2002-2009 as a whole). We are all right with this because that would mean we would not have to do this again because we only want 2 kids.

8. I have the option of donating my eggs to someone who could use them after we have had a successful pregnancy (we haven't discussed this at great length yet, but it is definitely something to consider, if we can help out another couple who is struggling, then I am pretty sure we will strongly consider doing this.)

9. The IVF process has the same % chance for miscarriage as a regular pregnancy, there is no difference in terms of chances for miscarriage.

10. The statistics for my specialist's office for a "fresh" (meaning we will use the embryos immediately) and "frozen" (embryos that are fertilized, but are not being used right away so they are cryogenically frozen to be thawed at a later date. ie. IVF didn't take the first time without having to re-do all the injections) fresh = 56% worked and frozen = 46% worked. That is an amazing statistic.

Orientation is tomorrow

Tomorrow we have orientation and I am not sure what to think yet.

I am sure they are going to go through everything step by step to make sure we get it all and are comfortable before starting injections. I start on Friday and I am scared to death. I am so afraid that I am going to mess it up and it won't work.

Paranoia? Probably. We will see what happens after tomorrow.

Nerves, Nerves, Nerves

Well I am nervous.

Things I am nervous about:

1. Giving myself injections and doing it wrong
2. Side effects that are going to make me gain lots of weight
3. Fear of infection from the retrieval
4. That it will not work and we will have to do it again

I know that many parts of all my nerves are normal and part of the whole process. I have spoken to people who have done it before and they say that all of these feelings are not out of the ordinary.

Things I know:

-I have a great amount of support of people who will help me with anything I need during this time
-I have amazing doctors and nurses who answer all of my questions even when I feel as though they are not rational questions
-I have survived worse than this and can do it, nerves and all.

It's astonishing to me that people do all of this while working full-time, I am on summer vacation and can barely handle the amount of stuff that is involved with the whole process.

I love everyone who tells me stories of how IVF has worked for someone they know because they are trying to help me feel better and less scared of the process. Here's the thing about that though: those stories just make me sad because we are not one of them...yet.

I think about how long we have been doing this - since November of 2009 and all of the things that have changed during the time we have been trying. It's amazing to me that people who got pregnant when we tried are about to celebrate their child's 1st birthday, I am thrilled for them and so happy to celebrate with them. What I don't want to tell them is how it can make me a little sad, not in any way to take away from their joy and the joy I have for them and their child. But in a way because if we had been one of those couples fortunate enough to pregnant right away, how it would be our child's birthday that we would be celebrating.

I know that is selfish for me to think that, but I can't help it. I adore my friends and their wonderful children, I enjoy being parts of their lives. But at the same time, it's impossible for me to think about why this has happened to us and how we weren't one of those couples and the reasons why. I may never know those answers and could easily drive myself crazy trying to figure them out.

Can't wait for the nerves to go away and for us to be started in this process.

Consent Forms

Well today we signed all the final consent forms for the IVF. Talk about a scary moment as we read through all the potential issues that can come up from the medicine and the procedures themselves. We also had to sign that we agreed to have the eggs, sperm, or embryos frozen and they will be destroyed after 1 year or will stay as long as that's what we want to happen. We then had to both sign it and have a 3rd party person sign it stating that we have read through all the risks.

Someday we will be through all of this, right??? Someday this will all be part of the bigger story we tell our kids about how they came into our lives. Someday, we will be able to tell our kids how much mom and dad wanted them, that they went through hell and back to bring them into the family.

All of those "somedays" don't make me feel better right now - I am scared and ready to not be so scared anymore.

Countdown - 9 days to meds

9 days until I have to start injecting myself with meds and honestly, I am scared to death.

I am not sure what to do or how to do it, what if I do it wrong? AHHH! Great more stress to a stressful situation and I have no idea how to calm myself down.

We are going to orientation on the 7th (next Thursday) and they are supposed to go through everything - all the meds, how to inject, when to inject, etc. We are both very nervous about it all because it's so unknown, this is intense. Aaron is worried about giving me the injections when he has to, I am just worried that I am going to do wrong and screw it all up.

What I am hoping is that there are some people who are at the orientation who live around us that we can talk to about what's going on through the process. Our friends are great and supportive as much as they can be, but they do not know EXACTLY how we feel with this stuff. We don't know many people who have gone through IVF that are here for us to talk to when we need to and it will be great to be with people who are at the same point as us. I wouldn't trade my friends support for anything, but it's different with people who are going or have gone through the exact same thing.

The specialist's nurse called me today to tell me she was mailing out my calendar for IVF with the times and dates of things we have set up right now on it. She said it also has the dosages for the suppression meds to begin with until my first appointment with blood work and ultrasounds.

Wow this is really happening and we are getting close to starting now. Everyday that moves closer to the date, the more nervous I get and the more I want to talk about it all to talk out emotions. I also want to curl into a ball on my bedroom floor and cry a little everyday.

Talk about conflicting emotions.

IVF Meds - Wow

So this is what approximately $3000 worth of IVF medicine looks like. This is just for one "fresh" cycle (in IVF speak - that means doing the medications to then retrieve eggs to be used immediately as opposed to "frozen" or ones that had been retrieved with another cycle.) It takes nearly 6 weeks of medicines to do ONE cycle. One of the medicines alone can average $2000. 

I had to order the medicine through a specialty pharmacy because I can't just go to the Walgreens down the street to get it. When I got home, I had to lay it all out to see what the deal with it all was and was instantly overwhelmed by the amount of medicine and supplies (it came in a shopping bag that rivals the local retail stores for large purchases)

I have to admit that it looks overwhelming and is a little scary all at the same time. We are excited of course, but DAMN...that's a lot of medicine.

2 Year Wedding Anniversary

Today is our wedding anniversary - we have been married for 2 years, but I can hardly believe how quick it has gone by.

2 years ago, I said "I do" to the man I almost didn't get to meet in life and it was the best day. we had people from 9 different states who came in for our wedding and it was a day full of much love and support from our loved ones. It was such a wonderful day and I couldn't be more thrilled to spend today remembering what a day it was for us.

I am the luckiest girl in the world to have a man beside me through all we have gone through in the past few years without a single change in his support. He is my best friend, the person I want to spend time with over anyone else, and the love of my life.

We knew from only a few weeks into our relationship that this was the real deal, although not everyone thought we should get so serious right away, clearly they were wrong. Something instantly felt different for both of us and we knew it was something very serious. We were living together before our 1st dating anniversary, became engaged just after that, and married after 2 years.

It has been the best relationship of my life and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Happy anniversary baby, I love you more today than I did the day we married. Here's to many more years together and the beginning to the next chapter of our relationship - becoming a family.

Father's Day - always an interesting day

Father's day is not a day I am a fan of for a few reasons:

1. My father was not really around when I was growing up. He made the decision to not be in my life when I was a kid and I made the decision when I was old enough not to be involved in his life. Thinking of all the things that he missed out on when I hear the stories from other people who were fortunate enough to have good fathers in their lives makes me sad on Father's day.

2. 10 years ago today, Aaron's dad passed away. Yes, he actually died on Father's day specifically and this day always makes Aaron so sad. He doesn't talk about it much, really only a small amount in the past several years. Every year since we have been together, he keeps to himself doing his own thing. I don't bug him much because I know he doesn't want much attention from me today. He is still greatly grieving this loss even after 10 years and I don't want to push the issue. I am sad that I never got to meet him, I am told that we would have gotten along fantastically.

3. I wish we had a little one for him to celebrate him being a father now. Last year was hard with him knowing we were trying to get pregnant and it was Father's day. This year with it being the 10th anniversary of his passing and we are still not pregnant seems to make it even harder for him. I really hope that next year, we can turn this sad time into a more positive time for him. I know that he will be an amazing father and his dad would be so proud of the man, husband, son and friend he is now.

I hope to have a good memory to associate with this day next year.

Not much has changed

Still in the waiting phase - can I just say that this is an insane waiting period???? I feel like we have been building up to this for awhile now and the time for it all to get started is taking forever.

I have spent the last week or so getting caught up on everything from the time we didn't do anything. I did load after load of laundry (seriously - 11 loads in 2 days and I am still not completely done! YIKES! It makes me believe we have too many clothes, but I just can't bear to get rid of anymore) took 11 bags of stuff to Goodwill, cleaned the house, and worked on organizing things for our friend to move in this week.

It will be great to have her here. I know how it feels to go through a break up when you have been living together for awhile and you just need a place to get your feet back under you again. It will be nice for her to have a place with friends around her and some down time from the stress she has been under for awhile. She is going to stay for awhile to give herself time to save some money for a new apartment and where she wants to go from here. I know how that feels and am glad to help out someone who has been in the same situation as I have been.

Still waiting for the period to show up so we can get a schedule set up for the IVF stuff all ready. I just feel like we have been waiting an eternity right now between the waiting each month and the 20+ months we have been trying to get pregnant. Ugh...just tired of it and want it to end all ready.

Isn't 9 months long enough to wait for a baby???

Not much to say

We are still in the waiting phase - waiting for the period to show up, waiting for the insurance to give clearance for everything, waiting to see how the meds will make feel. This is tougher than the waiting for 2 week wait from ovulation to my period only because there are so many more variables to the deal.

That's about all that's going on right now.

IVF appointment

Yesterday was the big appointment and we both spent the day being very nervous/anxious for it.

First let me say that I love my RE - she is amazing when it comes to being down to earth and explaining things easily and answering all of our questions before we had a chance to ask them. She was great and sat down with us for about 40 minutes to explain it all to us.


Here is our plan:

-Wait for my period to show up on either the 17th or 18th
-Originally we were going to 3 weeks of suppression meds to keep my ovaries from releasing eggs, but after the RE looked at everything in my file, she wants to skip that step due to the family history of blood clots. Although I haven't shown any symptoms of developing them
-Will then start the stimulation meds for 10-12 days with multiple ultrasounds and blood draws to check hormone levels to get (hopefully) many good eggs
-Once they are happy with the eggs, we will do the withdrawal of as many eggs as possible - 30 minute procedure where I am knocked out - Aaron will make his deposit
-They will fertilize the eggs and monitor for 3 days
-After 3 days, check to see if there are any eggs showing fertilization. If there are 2 really good ones at that point, they will pull them and we will do the transfer. If there are a few, may wait 5 days and pull the 2 best ones - freeze the others for up to 1 year
-Transfer will take place (not much more complicated than IUI
-Wait 2 weeks to see if it implanted
-If no implantation - hopefully we will have more to try again

Both of us had to have STD blood work since it had to be within 1 year - which makes sense because they are dealing with human tissue. We have to attend an orientation about the injections and the whole process which we are going to do in the first week of July. Have to have a "trial transfer" which is them using the same equipment for the transfer and will measure the uterus to assure proper placement when the transfer is about to happen. Not so much looking forward to that part because I have had something close to it.

We have to wait to see what the 2 insurances will cover since we do have coverage to see what's going to be out of our pockets for all this because it has to be paid in full before the procedures. I got a call from the billing department today that both insurances are going to cover it, but I am just not going to know how much they will cover until they have been submitted and that should be done very soon. 

So that's pretty much it.

Dr said we are good candidates for IVF with Aaron's sperm count being so high on his sperm analysis as well as the 3 IUI's and that I was responding to the Clomid and Femara, I should respond to the meds well enough to have multiple eggs be able to retrieve so we could get multiple transfers without having to do all the injections all over again.

Short Update

We had an AMAZING time in Vegas. I will post more information and some pictures as soon as we get somewhat settled from the trip - you know, unpacking, etc.

I had to come into school to return my school laptop, so I decided to get some work done in my classroom in case we are able to be successful with IVF and then I shouldn't be moving stuff. It's not too bad right now, it's quiet and I can get work done.

I hope everyone had an amazing 3 day weekend!

Last Day of School

Today is the last official day of school.

It is an awesome day in terms of being done with all this in order get to some much needed relaxation of the summer! The last few weeks of school, for someone who is not in education, are the equivalent of torture for both students and staff. The kids want out, the teachers want out, and it's a power struggle through the last day to get anything accomplished.

We head out tomorrow night to vacation in Vegas for the weekend and it could not be coming quickly enough in some respects because we are both so stressed and tired of the day-to-day stresses. Getting to a new environment for a few days, just the two of us will be amazing. We have not had any kind of time like this since our honeymoon nearly 2 years ago and with all the TTC stuff, we need it. I want to go be without the stress of TTC, without the stress of teaching, and without the stress of graduate classes for a few days to recharge my batteries to it all.

We have our IVF discussion appointment next week and we are ready to get going all ready. I have finished up this month's Femara to at least keep me regulated until we can do the IVF (thank goodness, my RE allowed me to do that or who knows how long it would be until we could get started - no ovulation on my own means no period, which then leads to IVF starting = not okay with us to have to wait that long.) We are ready to get in there and find out exactly what the deal is because I am pretty sure we have it built up more in our heads than it will be in reality. I am definitely one of those people who make it worse in my own head - I am a jump to the bad conclusions first kind of people. What we are hoping is that we will be able to get a good amount of viable eggs and be able to get a couple of transfers from the same batch (so to speak) to help with the giving myself injections thing. The less I have to do that, the happier I will be!

Not going to be sad today

I refuse to be sad today - my period is here in full force and I have a call into the specialist to see what the next steps are going to be specifically for the next month.

I will not cry, I will not scream, I will not allow myself to be angry when all of this has brought us to the next step that will give us our best chances of being a family.

Maybe if I keep telling myself this over and over today - I can will it into the truth of how I feel.

100th post

I was looking at my blog today and realized I was 1 away from a 100 posts. I know this is not a huge milestone, but it kind of is for me. I also thought that I don't want the 100th post I put up to be about how sad I feel or frustrated, I am doing something different: 100 facts about me.

1. I was supposed to be a Christmas baby, but was born a month early
2. I am the youngest of 4 kids by mother and 4 kids by my father - confused?? Each of my parents had 2 kids when they married then had my brother and me. I technically have 3 older sisters and 2 older brothers, we all just don't share the same parents
3. My middle name Nicole comes from the doctor who fought to save my mom and me while she was pregnant - through blood clots and many other things
4. I contracted bacterial meningitis as a small baby and live in the NICU for weeks, I nearly died multiple times
5. I was born on the way south side of Chicago - Palos Heights
6. We moved to where I call home when I was 5 - Round Lake Beach, Illinois
7. We had a parakeet named Prince because my sister was obsessed with Purple Rain
8. I had my first kiss in Kindergarten and I smacked the boy who did it
9. I used to kick the wall in my sleep, so my mom put a pillow between my knees to keep me from hurting myself
10. I used to have the worst dream that T-Rex was coming around the side of my house and looking in my window at me while I was sleeping
11. I was afraid of thunderstorms until I was 9
12. I loved playing floor hockey with my siblings and cousins in my gram's basement
13. I have been to Disney 2 times - once at 4 and again at 6
14. I had the WORST hair ever in middle school - curly and growing out, but it grew out before it grew down - yup I rocked a white kid fro
15. I played soccer as a kid but always wished it was volleyball instead
16. I went to sleep away camp for 3 summers in a row and it was amazing
17. I am an excellent swimmer - I was always top in my class for speed and technique as a child, then competed for 2 years from middle school into high school
18. I have always hated the way I look in a swim suit - even when I was skinnier
19. I took French for 4 years in high school and 1 advanced conversational level in college
20. I hate math - period.
21. My freckles come out more when I have a tan
22. My favorite subjects in high school were social studies and English
23. I was copy editor of my year book as a junior then assistant editor as a senior
24. My first serious boyfriend was a year and a half long
25. I was dumped at my senior prom by first serious boyfriend
26. My best friend in high school was a guy - I miss him since we don't talk much
27. My first car was when I was 18 and it had 174,000 miles on it when I bought it from my brother
28. The summer between freshman and sophomore years of college I ran a day camp for kids with special needs
29. I have a bowling ball in my favorite color with my initials on it that I received as a Christmas present from a boyfriend
30. I loved working at Walgreens both the corporate and stores, lots of fun
31. Working at Target frustrated me because my manager was a jerk to college kids on Christmas break
32. My hair is naturally curly but it has relaxed tremendously over the years
33. I belong to the best sorority anyone could be a part of - Alpha Xi Delta
34. Some of my best friends are sorority sisters still today
35. I loved college more than high school
36. I went to Australia and New Zealand for 3 weeks in 1995 with People to People Student Ambassadors (a branch of Peace Corps) and was one of only 30 kids in my county to be selected - I was 14
37. I barely did homework in high school - except math
38. I had amazing professors in college who inspired me - from all subject areas
39. My mom and I went on a trip to China in 2001 - it was amazing
40. I have visited at least 15 states in the USA
41. I spend way too much money on my classroom every year even though I say I won't
42. I sometimes miss Chicago and the fun stuff to do downtown
43. My hair was once a purple color in college because I was bored with it
44. I have 6 holes pierced in each ear - but have let 3 top ones close up
45. I suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time
46. I love being a special ed teacher - but not when I was a middle school special ed teacher, I wanted to quit teaching
47. I am not a good person to get out of bed, but once I am up, I am good
48. I dislike mayo - it tastes nasty
49. Soft cheeses make my stomach ache - I avoid them like the plague
50. I spent part of high school being completely lactose intolerant - no dairy at all
51. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 17 and it was miserable
52. My gram is one of the only reasons I survived through college - she's the best!
53. I have issues with cell phones - they don't like me and I have to have them replaced
54. I had 3 cars in 2 years because they had so many issues
55. Moving to the St. Louis area was the best thing I have done in my life
56. I love that I have rekindled friendships from years ago living here
57. I collect pens at work - I love lots of options of colors and hardly write in the same color on multiple days in a row
58. I color code my folders at work with my folders that I keep assignments in to help me be organized
59. My desk is organized chaos at work
60. I live about 5 minutes away from school
61. I love that I now drive a "family car" - it's pretty awesome compared to my tiny little compact I used to drive
62. I hate redundancy
63. I hate redundancy
64. Sometimes I feel like a bad wife/friend/daughter/etc for no apparent reason - just feel like I could be doing more to help
65. I love to cook and have about 25 cookbooks
66. I am not good at baking
67. I miss my puppy from when I was younger - Snickers, he was the best dog
68. I love cooking shows on Food Network and the Cooking Channel
69. Criminal Minds and Law and Order: Criminal Intent are two of my favorite shows
70. My favorite color is purple
71. My honeymoon to St. Maarten was one of the most relaxing and fun vacations I have ever been on
72. Sleeping late is not something I do well
73. I tend to skip breakfast - but I am working on it
74. I carry too much debt
75. The Princess Bride and Ever After are 2 of my favorite movies
76. I still watch kids shows
77. I received my Master's Degree in Educational Technology with a 4.0 GPA in 2008
78. I enjoy taking classes to learn more - I never want to be a stationary person in learning
79. My husband is the best person in the world for putting up with me
80. Meeting him was a complete and total curve ball of fate that I am grateful for eveyday
81. Someday we will retire and travel the world together
82. I think we will be great parents when it happens for us
83. I married into a really awesome family
84. My mother-in-law and I get along very well
85. I have 2 furry kitten babies - Kibbles who is 8 (not technically a kitten but I still see her that way) and Maho who is 1
86. I love football and we watch every Sunday during the football season
87. I admit - I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, even though they have been really bad lately
88. I can swear with the best truck driver's around when I really get rolling
89. My voice carries loudly even when I don't mean it too
90. I HATE flossing my teeth - ick
91. I am awesome at Bejeweled Blitz and have scored over 900,000 in one minute
92. I love taking fun snapshots of my friends to remember fun times
93. I wish I had musical talent - but I don't
94. I don't like Brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, or cooked spinach (I do like raw spinach in salads though)
95. French toast is my favorite breakfast food
96. I could never give up Sprite as my soda of choice, it's my favorite
97. I do not get hangovers no matter how much alcohol I consume and it drives my husband crazy
98. I am terrible artist
99. I want to be a mother more than anything after 19 months of trying
100. Aaron and I are a great team - even when stuff is really hard, he is the best support in the world

90% sure we are moving on

After another couple of days of really promising temps - then this morning on 12 dpo (which is typical for a month where my period is going to show up) a drop. Take that with a negative test again and we are pretty sure we are moving on.

We have an appointment to discuss IVF on June 1 and I am glad we all ready set it up because we will need it.

All I have to say is...

DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!

Well the testing begins - yes I know it's early but I don't care

I confess that I tested this morning.   

However, I used the internet cheapie tests that are only about $4 for 20, instead of going into debt to do this. I am cheap when it comes to this stuff because we have spent so much money through the last 19 months. After all this time, I refuse to pay the prices in the stores unless I have to, I would much rather spend less money and have many more options to test - even though they are not really accurate at 8 days past ovulation.

Hell, I may start couponing just to manage the medical bills coming in for the procedures (stupid insurance deductibles and co-pays). This is an incredible business that that is thoroughly profiting from women who are desperate for the positive, they are willing to sign over their 401(k) in order to have the family. I can't imagine at this point how much more money I would have in my checking account if I had done this all the time we have been trying, using the internet cheapies. It's sad and makes me sad for my checkbook.

I just want to know and I don't care if it's too early. I have come to a point where I just don't care about waiting any more because I am ready to know if I can move on to IVF or not.

I know, I know, I know...statistically, 8 days past ovulation is WAY too early to test.

It's only approximately 69% accurate at this point.

Seriously, this is what the commercials are pushing??? 

This is a great marketing scheme - you can know sooner, so why not buy it? The thing is women are not reading the information insert that comes with the test that shows the true level of accuracy of the testing. I think if more people would read that, those tests would stop flying off the shelves because it's not that accurate.

This is the 6 days sooner idea but really it's about as accurate as flipping a coin or just guessing yourself. Let's go out and spend approximately $12 for 2 tests that are as accurate as reaching in your purse, getting a coin, and flipping it. If you flip it enough, you may get your positive. Wouldn't that be cheaper than spending all that money??

Man people are suckers, myself included. I am in the wrong profession.