Frustrated

What do you do when our best isn't good enough???

5 years later

The very strange anniversary this weekend is that 5 years ago I told my ex-husband I was leaving him because I knew I deserved better after living the way we were for so long.

We were together for 6 years, married for 3 years and living together for 4 years of our relationship. Things didn't always seem to be bad, in fact we were quite happy for about 5 years of the relationship before things really started to fall apart. We started growing apart and the stresses of the infertility and being a one income family really pulled us apart. Take all of that with that you become a different person when you are 26 than when you are 20.

I think back to the time when I was making the choice to leave or not, I struggled with it for a long time before I decided to talk to him. I was not sure when I told him how rough the whole process was going to be on me through it all. It's amazing to think about all I went through to get through it all. It was the most difficult conversation I have had with someone probably ever in my life. I wish I could say that it was the last conversation we had together that was hard and uncomfortable but it wasn't.

It's strange how fast the time has gone.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #30 "Highs and lows of the month"

The highs of the month:

1. Spending some serious time with my favorite people - you all know who you are and I would not have survived this month without you in any capacity. You are all amazing and you make me a better person, a better wife, a better friend, and a better altogether human being. I love you more than words can say and you are the light in my life that keeps me going through my dark times. I look forward to all the fun we will have in the upcoming months/years.

2. Realizing that I enjoy this outlet - this challenge reminded me again about how I enjoy putting my thoughts and ideas out there - mostly so they are not in my head anymore. The more I have done this, the more I have realized I keep in too many things. My newer friends lately that I wrote about a few posts ago have helped me to realize how much I keep to myself. This has been the place this month for me to deal with some of the feelings as well as allowing me to have a topic when I need to be able to sit down and write.


The lows of the month:

1. Things I cannot write about here because it is not the place for the kind of outlet. I realize that I have written things here that are open and honest, but not all honesty is appropriate for all places and locations.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #29: "My goal for the next 30 days"

It is simple as hell for me...survive the month and make it to spring break.

I just want it to be spring break so I can take an extended break to get my head on straight to get to the summertime.

Right now, I am working on my planning a vacation with my friends for Memorial Day weekend - it is my focus right now.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #28: "Something I miss"

Something I miss terribly is being so close to my friends like I was in college. It was great to be able to walk to see my friends any time I wanted to - that we could hang out all the time even if only for a minute at a time.

Growing up sucks - I want to be able to see my friends all the time. I would love to be able to see all the people I care about within just a few minutes.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #27: "A problem I have had"

A problem I have had lately is figuring out how to do what I love in a way that makes me proud again. I want to be proud of myself and how I live my life and I am working on figuring this out in order to do that again.

It's a journey and it sucks most of the time.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #26: "The kind of person who attracts me"

This is very interesting because I was just having this conversation with my friend today.

I think there are different levels of attraction - there is of course the most obvious which is a sexual attraction, but there is also an attraction as a friendship. While I think these two things are separate there are some overlaps to appeal for me.

Romantic/sexual attraction for me is simple - I like dark hair (I have dated lighter hair, but most of my track record seems to lean the darker hair side), a good smile, smart eyes (color not so important), height is not so important (Aaron and I look eye-to-eye with each other but I have dated men as tall as 6-5), build not so important as long as there is some level of fitness involved so I know he is willing to take care of himself for the long haul. I love a guy who makes me laugh as well as think about things on a deeper level. I love a guy who challenges me when I need to be put in my place, but will still love me when I am at my most vulnerable. I love a guy who will tell me to shut up when I need to hear it but is quick to say I love you more than anything when I need to hear it as well. I love a guy who respects that I have LOTS of opinions and doesn't try to make me change mine to better suit his, he just accepts me as an opinionated person who is stubborn as hell and who is loyal often to a fault.

Friendship attraction for me is often the more complicated of the two. 

For me, I want friends of all shapes and colors. But their personality is what really attracts me to them. I want friends who want to laugh and joke, but know when to be serious. I want friends who tell the truth even if it hurts me to hear it because they know I value that over anything else. I want friends who are grown up enough to say that the childish crap that tends to happen is best left in middle school where it belongs. I am a friend who likes to cuddle with my friends (male and female) because I like to let them know they are important to me through physical contact. I like a friend who allows me to do things for them without expecting things in return just because I want them to know I am thinking of them. I want a friend who wants to be there for me when the shit gets hard, but is willing to do small things with me because they are just as important.

I do not let people into this inner place of my thoughts because I am scared of them seeing me that kind of vulnerable. I only have a small numbers of friends who are inside in this vulnerable place and the newcomers to this somehow managed to do it quicker than I could have ever predicted (you know who you are and you scare the hell out of me for reference). Most of my really good friends took years and much turmoil to become this close to me and I do not understand how they have managed to get there so quickly. It scares me - I have been told my whole life how closed off I am - but these 2 people I am referring to managed to do it quickly. Maybe it's a sign of growing up and maturing that I am being more open to more people at a faster rate, but it still scares the hell out of me on a constant basis.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #25 "Someone who fascinates you and why?"

Someone I am fascinated by are people who are willing to give up their children for adoption - the amount of strength it must take to know that you are doing the right thing, despite the fact this child will now be part of someone else's family is a person I would love to have a sit down conversation with to talk to about it all. I am 1000% in favor of adoption (whether giving or receiving), but I have not ever had a conversation with someone who has made the tough choice to put their child up for adoption. I can only imagine the struggle they must have gone through to make such a tough choice. I am grateful though that there are people who do it to give people like me a chance to be a parent when our own bodies will not allow it to be so.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #24: "My favorite movie"

My favorite movie is:

I love it and it always makes me so happy even when I am super sad. I have loved it since it came out originally and it just makes me happy.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #23: "5 men I find attractive"

My free 5 or top 5 (if you are a Friends watcher you know exactly what I am talking about!"

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #22: "How have I changed in the past 2 years?"

I feel as though I have changed quite a bit in the last 2 years - it is not all positive changes in my life.


1. I have let go of some people that were not positive in my life and for my life. I removed friends and others have just been pushed to the outside edge of my interactions with them because they cannot be able to support me and where I am going in my life.

2. I have done more deep soul searching about who and what I am in my all aspects of my life. The difficult times I have faced due to infertility and other areas have forced me to see how it all plays together into the bigger picture of who I am as a person. It has been quite a difficult journey and many tears have been shed over this journey - a journey that is still working it's way through.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #21: "One of my favorite shows"

One of my favorite shows is Criminal Minds. I love this show, this is the most amazing show in terms of everything I enjoy.

It is about learning why people do the things they do and what causes them to turn their behavior to the bad side of life. I enjoy watching the people on the show work through all the twists and turns of stories to figure out who did the terrible acts and why they did it.

I have always enjoyed learning about different people and why they do the things they do, so this show is directly related to that desire.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #20: "Beliefs on education"

As someone who is currently pursuing her 2nd Master's degree, I feel that education is essential to my life and hold its value very high. I will always be a life-long learner because I do not ever want to stop learning.

I think that learning new things is the best part of growing up.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #19: "Disrespecting your parents"

Positively out of control right now with many in society.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #18: "My Beliefs"

My beliefs are strong and they are plainly posted on here for all to read. I don't think that I can be any more honest than I have been for all the time I have been posting.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #17 "Highs and Lows of the last year"

Oh where to begin????

Highs -

1. My friends/family/co-workers who are my true strength - I am so grateful everyday for the people in my life, I can honestly say that without them, I would have been lost a long time ago. I do not take them for granted and appreciate them so much.

2. The relationship that has deepened between me and Aaron. Everyday we struggle so much sometimes, but instead of letting it get between us - we use it as fuel to make our relationship stronger. All of these things could have been the end of a relationship under the best of circumstances, any one of them let alone all of the things put together. He is the best person I know and I love him tremendously.

3. The closeness of my friends who have listened to everything we have gone through without getting frustrated at hearing the same issues time and time again. To my new friends that I am learning about, you are just as important to me as the people I have known for decades.


Lows -

Without question, the lowest points in the year were the failed inseminations and the failed IVF we went through in 2011. It was the most painful and personal thing I have ever been through and yet we are here now without the dream. It is a constant struggle for us to find a way to be positive as we move further and further into the journey to being parents. We are not closer than we were in November of 2009 when we started on our journey - yes that's a long time and we are acutely aware of it. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy (which apparently I have and that's been a whole separate low of the last year for me) because it tests every part of who you think you are and makes you change your perception of what you believe you can endure. I know I am strong, but I often wonder if I will hit a point where I simply cannot continue on any further. I am scared of that point and I have become completely and totally aware of where that point is in my life.

Valentine's Day

I love my husband...that is all.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #16 "My view on mainstream music"

Mainstream music? What defines that? Is it everything that everyone else is listening to right now? It is what the music industry says it is the most popular thing or the #1 hit at the time?

People I do not understand:

1. Nicky Minaj - no explanation on this girl's crazy antics aside from she thinks she is Ke$ha or Lady Gaga only not as edgy or cool. And her music isn't that good...if you are going to be edgy or cool, at least back it up with good music.
2. Ke$ha - she just gets on my every nerve for no reason.

People I love:

1. Maroon 5 - Love me some Adam Levine, he can be quite a jerk personally - but musically, I adore him (and let's just face, he is gorgeous to look at!)
2. Glee cast - they are single-handedly bringing back songs and mixing them with interesting and contemporary songs.
3. Tim/Faith/Brad/Blake - love some country music superstars who just produce great stuff year after year. LOVE!!!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 15: "Favorite tumblrs"

I do not follow any tumblrs. I have nothing to report with this one today

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #14: "Earliest Memory"

My earliest memory is living in an apartment in Chicago with my sister, 2 brothers, and my mom. I was very sick sitting on the couch in ball but everyone was there to celebrate my birthday. I cannot remember which birthday it was just that I was very sick.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #13 " Somewhere you like to move or visit"

This is an easy choice for me.

I would love to move to St. Maarten - where Aaron and I went on our honeymoon. It was one of the most amazing places I have ever visited. I have traveled quite a lot in my life, but this place felt different and more relaxed.

We just talked about the idea of if we won the lottery that we would buy a home there and live there most of the year. Sounds amazing to me.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 12: "Bullet your day"

My day:

• Woke up at 6:20 am
• Chatted with a friend who is having incredible difficulties right now
• Took a shower
• Put lotion on my tattoo that is now nearly healed :-)
• Stopped for coffee and bought a lottery ticket ($325 million in Powerball - can't hurt!)
• Drove to work
• Ate my breakfast at my desk
• Met with my department for a short meeting
• Finished paperwork for a meeting today
• Worked with a coworker on some technology questions I had
• Printed all the paperwork for the meeting with a parent
• Watched a video with my students on Native Americans and African Americans in the new frontier
• Taught US History class
• Had a meeting with a parent
• Worked with my students on spelling
• Worked with my students on reading instruction
• Chatted with my coworker after school
• Drove home with much work to be done this weekend
• Hung out with my husband for a few while decompressing from the day
• Worked on and completed my paper that is due for tomorrow
• Ordered Chinese food
• Graded all my students work
• Entered all the grades into the online grade program
• Read a chapter for my graduate class
• Outlined the chapter
• Outlined my paper that is due on Monday night
• Watched 10 episodes of "Friends" while working on school work
• Enjoyed a tasty beer while reading/outlining the chapter

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 11 "First 10 songs that come on my iPod"

I am an eclectic musical person. The following showcase that

1. Adele "Rumor Has It"
2. Tim McGraw "Just to see you smile"
3. Cast of Rent "La vie Boheme"
4. Sugarland "Down in Mississppi"
5. Glee Cast "Don't Stop Believin'"
6. Local H "Toxic"
7. Maroon 5 "Ain't Gonna Leave This Bed"
8. Bare Naked Ladies "Call and Answer"
9. Dixie Chicks "Cold Day in July"
10. Kelly Clarkson "My Life Would Suck Without You"

That's hilarious!!!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 10: "My first love and first kiss"

My first kiss was in kindergarten. The boy kissed me on my lips and then I promptly slapped his face! Haha! We both got in trouble for it for different reasons.

My first love was in high school. We met when I did statistics for the wrestling team and he was a wrestler on the team. We dated for nearly 2 years until I was about to graduate from high school. He was a good guy just we were young and of course he made mistakes. He cheated on me with other people and broke up with me at senior prom - but when I look back now, we were so young and not knowledgeable about many things. What we had when we had it was great and I wouldn't change a second of it, but it was a tough learning lesson at the time.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 9 "How you would like your future toe be"

My future? It is an interesting question.

I am not sure what I feel our future in terms of my dreams. I know there are things we want to do, but I am not sure how we are going to get there. Our whole world just changed today with the changes to Aaron's job that came about today.

I do not feel that this unknown is necessarily a bad thing at all - it's kind of exciting to not know exactly what we are going to be doing for our future. It is a time where we get to make changes for the better in our relationship and in our lives.

I do know that Aaron and I will continue to grow as a couple together as we experience our way through all these new challenges we are going to continue to experience in the next several months of our lives.

For the second time in my life, we are walking into an unknown situation and it's an interesting thing for us. We will see where we can go from here!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 8: "The moment when you felt the most satisfied with your life"

The moment I felt the most satisfied with my life was when I received my Master's degree in May 2008. I had worked really hard with it through getting a divorce and the chaos of my life. My whole family was in attendance for me to receive this degree and it was one of the most proud moments of my life. I had always wanted to get my Master's degree and it was one of the goals that I had not yet accomplished in my life.

Throughout my life there were certain goals I set for myself: 1 - to gain my bachelor's degree in education (completed that in 2002) 2 - get married (was accomplished by this time, but the marriage ended in 2007) 3 - to gain my Master's degree.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 7: "My zodiac sign and how it relates to me"

My sign is Scorpio:

"People born with the sun in Scorpio are very determined, reserved, tenacious and secretive. They are firm and somewhat proud, and capable of unmistakable traits of character that cause them to be either very much liked or very much disliked. Their somewhat suspicious nature causes them to be distrustful, but amidst all their apparent evil traits of character, they have that grit and backbone which enables them to make higher attainments than those born in the other signs ; For the "wisdom of the Serpent" lies concealed in this sign, and they become so discreet, wise and prudent as to display extraordinary genius. It has been said "the greater the animal the greater the man," and it may be that in the animal passions there lie the germs of the spiritual force, which, when sent upwards, may achieve great and mighty things. That which seemed latent will and desire in the sign Taurus becomes, in this sign, expressed energy. The Scorpio desires are potent and charged with the power to attain the object of their desires; but when their desires are subservient to the will, there are none more powerful or determined. In conclusion, it may be said that the Scorpio individuals that have reached the point that they decide their own future, progress."

I think there are many aspects of this that are true.

I have been told that I am determined and tenacious. I set my mind to things and do everything in my power to make it happen. I tackle obstacles and make it happen. I stick my heels in the ground and do not give up until I have what I want. Is this always a good thing? Hell no. Has it been the cost of a few important relationships in my life? Absolutely. Would I change any part of it? Hell no.

I am reserved - I have been told time and time again that I do not let people inside to the private part of me. It is more than just what I write here, to my inner-most thoughts that really just scare the hell out of me. It is about the way I protect certain parts of my life from others because I do not want them to be in it until I am ready for it. It is about the stupid metaphorical walls I am told I put up on certain subjects to which some have never come down and I am not sure they ever will. I have always heard about these walls and I get tired of hearing about how they will always be there, well that's the way I am.

As my tag line on my blog - "Take me as I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, then take me baby or leave me."

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 6: "30 Interesting Facts About Me"

30 interesting fact about me is very similar to a previous post I did when I hit 100 posts on this blog, but I will update to 30 different interesting facts about me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1. I am an incredibly sensitive person - I get my feelings hurt easily, have a difficult time forgiving those who have hurt me, and the things they say tend to stay with me for an incredibly long time.

2. I love to read true crime books, cheap and easy romance novels, and historical fiction novels.

3. I have an incredible tolerance for alcohol (as I have previously stated in another post), it drives most of my friends crazy that I can drink more than them and not still manage to alert and attentive the next morning.

4. I love breakfast food, just usually not for breakfast. My favorite is French toast with powdered sugar.

5. If I had to give up my Dr. Pepper on a permanent basis, I might get hostile. Even when I am hopefully pregnant, I can still have some just not everyday and all the time.

6. I LOVE the TV show "Friends," "Sex and the City," "Criminal Minds," "That 70's Show," "CSI: NY," "Grey's Anatomy," and have all their seasons on DVD. Yes, I do watch them and can quote most of them nearly every word for word.

7. I love my job, but it is stressful and sometimes, I wonder if I am doing the best I can for both my students and my co-workers. I devote lots of time to both of those areas and worry constantly that they think badly of me.

8. I have wanted to be a mother my whole life - I never knew that it was going to be such a struggle for me to have my dream, but I work on keeping up hope. It is difficult to keep the faith month after month, but I am working on it.

9. I love to cook - it makes me happy and calm. I love to play with tastes and textures of food. Aaron says I am quite the good cook to the point he trusts me to make anything without questions. When I was in a bad place not so long ago, I didn't want to cook at all and it made me sad as hell.

10. I am incredible procrastinator. I will wait until the last possible second to do something because I work better under pressure. I enjoy having a deadline to keep my decision-making to a minimum, I have less time to make choices and mull over the options until I am blue in the face and I appreciate that.

11. I am a football-loving girl - just am. I will scream at the television, call the call on TV before it happens, spend hours talking with my husband about useless statistics and tidbits of information, spending my Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays watching the game. Everyone can think what they want about it, it is some of the best times in my life sitting on the couch with my husband watching football. I love it. Our family even knows not to call on Sundays unless it is an emergency.

12. I hate math. HATE. HATE. HATE. I was good at math in school, I just despised it completely and it was really the only class I ever had to put forth large amounts of effort to do well in.

13. I am fully aware of my IQ is, which sounds simple and that many people would know that. However, the truth is that most people do not know it. My IQ is 120 (the average range is 85-115). I do not feel as though it makes me a better person than anyone else, it's just interesting to know.

14. Purple is my favorite color. I have loved it since I was a child and now I have it permanently tattooed on my right foot.

15. Speaking of my tattoo - it is a permanent reminder of what I think about the people in my life. It is an infinity symbol with the word love in it. Aaron says it is completely appropriate because once I love people, I love them forever. I love looking at it and thinking of those in my life who are the most important to me.

16. I am terrible at balancing my checkbook. Hate it, believe it goes directly back to my hatred of math.

17. I am fantastic at wrapping presents, always have been. I used to wrap the family presents as a child and now I do it for our Christmas presents. I find it to be relaxing and I enjoy making things pretty.

18. Some of the most important people in my life may not have any idea exactly how I feel about them specifically and I need to work more on letting them know exactly why I love them the way I do.

19. I hate cleaning our house. I hate it. I would rather do anything else EVER.

20. Laundry is my least favorite chore to get done and I prefer to just forget it all together and buy new clothes rather than wash the ones I own.

21. Color pens make me happy. I write in different colors all the time just because I feel it is fun.

22. My favorite animal is a Cocker Spaniel and I cannot wait to have one of my own again.

23. I have had terrible luck with cars. I have been the not so proud of owner of 6 cars in my life. 4 of them were withing a year and half span of time.

24. Wonder from time to time how my life would have been different if I had not made the choices I have made. Particularly when I was in college.

25. I love to change the color of my hair to anything and everything. I get bored and cut it, color it, layer it, or just let it grow out. It's just hair and it will grow back eventually.

26. I love to play on the computers but tend to gravitate to the same topics time and again.

27. I am still friends with people from when I was young and although we may live far away from each other - I could call them up today and know it was the same as it was the last time we talked without questions.

28. My favorite movie ever is Princess Bride and that won't ever change. It is the movie I watch when I am sad and in need of getting calmer.

29. I am often angry at the amount of people who get to have children without ever struggling for even a month and wanting it so badly that you feel like your heart will explode while waiting to find out if this is your month. I do not want people to suffer, but I feel as though it would make them more understanding to my situation.

30. I love my husband more everyday and I am so proud that he chose me to be his wife and future mother of his children. It brings me to tears almost every time I think about it and no one will ever understand until it happens to you.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 5 "Your thoughts on suicide"

Okay super sensitive subject for many people whether you have firsthand experienced a loved on committing suicide or had those thoughts yourself. This blogging challenge is jumping into the deep end of the ocean pretty darn quick, considering it is only Day 5.

So, I have had too much experience with this - I personally think one time of any kind of experience (thoughts yourself, a loved one, or in my case - a student) is enough to permanently change how you view mental illness that can cause suicidal thoughts. I have had the unfortunate experience of having a loved one and a student commit suicide and both were equally devastating in very different ways.

My loved one - a rough story that dates back to when I was just a small girl. Do I know what lead up to it? Only a little, my family was wonderful about keeping many of the details to themselves and only telling my 9 year old self what I could understand at that time. I am grateful for that looking back. Now, as an adult, I know more about the situation leading up to the suicide and I am often sad that he felt it was what he needed to do in order to end his suffering.

My student - I was in my first teaching job at a middle school. I had an 8th grade study hall with a student in it who was struggling. Despite all the efforts of the school, her family, and her friends - she still felt this was the way to deal with her problems. She had some medical issues that were leading her to this and though the family chose to not talk about it afterwards, it must have been so painful. For someone at age 14 to think the only way to end her suffering was to hang herself is devastating. I came into my class after the funeral and saw the empty seat where this beautiful young girl had sit everyday for the rest of the year with a sense of deep sadness. The students around here struggled with the why and we had to be careful as professionals to make sure they received the support they needed as they dealt with the loss of their friend.

Suicide affects more people than just those actually committing it. The families are left to sort through the pieces of event leading up to it and struggle with the "what ifs." What if I had seen the signs sooner? What if I had forced them to get help? What if, what if, what if. They can be consuming and incredibly devastating - the troubles last for years after the person has passed away. The guilt of the surviving people can often overwhelm the survivors. I have seen it happen to people, they close away all happiness in their lives because they feel as though that part of their life is over. It is hearbreakingly sad.

My suggestion is if it is even a question of does someone feel that way, to get as much help as you can as quickly as you. Even if they fight you along the way, it may save their life.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 4: "Your view on religion"

Okay, disclaimer - these are MY views and MY views only. I do not want to be preached at or judged for what I say. I do not judge others based on their views of religion and I just ask for that in return.

In terms of organized religion, I am not always a fan this because some people just go to church just to say they are going to church. They do not really believe what they are going for and follow through with any of the teachings of whatever religious belief they may have. They got to church because they want other people to see them going to church, it's not because they believe what they are there for in the end. Now, is this everyone - no and I know that. However, in my experiences with organized religion I have seen it more than I care to admit.

Now faith is a separate story for me. I have a deep faith. I have faith in there being a reason we go through what we do and that someday in the future, we will find out what that reason is. I have faith that being a bad place now can lead to being in a good place in the future. I have to have faith that things will work out or I would not be able to get my brain to think about doing IVF again. That is such a huge test of faith, and psyching myself up to do it again takes all the willpower and faith I can muster.

Interesting class, but not for academic reasons

So as some know, I am getting my 2nd Master's degree. It's not something I brag about because I don't feel like it needs to be made into a big production. I am lifelong learner and sometimes, a glutton for punishment by subjecting myself to additional levels of work when I don't need another degree. Either way, I still enjoy it.

Anyway, I was in class tonight talking with some of the lovely girlies who have become the people who make the tediousness of classes much more bearable. I found out one of them had recently suffered a miscarriage and I immediately knew how shitty that feels having had one myself. Hers was a similar case to ours but it doesn't make it hurt any less than it would to anyone else. It got me to thinking about a few things, so here is one of my lists I tend to make to organize my thoughts:


1. The phrase, "we were not even trying" needs to be eliminated from the English language because it is hurtful and lame to say to anyone. It is never an intentional sentence, people tend to say it before they really think about what they have said. However, it's impact on a person struggling to have a family is heartbreaking. It makes their journey feel insignificant in the scheme of things because they were trying and still not successful.

2. There are so many people who are struggling with this in silence. I think back to when we started our journey and how there was no one for us to talk to about what we were feeling and how unbelievably frustrating it was for both of us. That is why I started this blog originally, to have a safe place to vent and get out all of the feelings I had inside me that had no where to go. As soon as she and I started talking, it was amazing how many other people around us started to chime in about their experiences. There were 4-5 people in just a few tables in class who were all struggling with starting or continuing a family. I hope she felt better after we talked because she said she felt so alone, dearie...sadly, you are not alone in a significant way. There are so many of us struggling with this, and unfortunately, many of us are suffering in silence.

3. There is a serious level of ignorance about infertility. I guess if you have never had to be in the place to experience it, why would you voluntarily do so? Hell, I am in it up to the tips of my hair and toes and I surely don't want to be in it. I think asking questions is a wonderful way to get information, but please tread with some sensitivity - it is sometimes tough to talk about even when we really really want to talk.

4. I am genuinely curious as why so many people in my generation are having these problems? I am not sure if it is because it was not reported by many people due to the veil of silence and shame that seems to surround the whole thing or just simply because the technology to assist hasn't been around so long the doctors have generations worth of information on the subject? It is just a very curious thing and I would love to know more about it.

I hope that just knowing there are more people out there that are going through things they are will help them to find a small sense of peace in the hurricane that is infertility.

I found this on the another person's page and it is amazing. It may not make sense to everyone but it definitely made sense to me.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 3 "Opinion on drugs and alcohol"

Drugs and alcohol are hot topics amongst many people. Some people feel as though both should be illegal due to the ability of access to them which can lead to addiction and excess. However, I feel as though if you as an adult make the decision to do either of these things, then you need to be able to accept the consequences (positive or negative) that are attached to them.

Drugs - I am not one who has tried drugs. I have an incredibly low tolerance for pain meds, so it has made me weary of doing any kind of drugs. As my husband says, anything more than extra strength Tylenol and I have to be cautious. This is sadly not far from the truth. I have just chosen to avoid it because I know how my body will react, not something I willing to risk. Secondly, as a teacher, I feel it would set a terrible example for my students. I know that I am not their sole influence, but should be trying to set a better example than most of their influences.

Alcohol - I do enjoy the adult beverage, but again in a responsible fashion. I know my limits and try desperately to stay within those limits. However, that does not mean that I will not over-indulge from time to time as long as I know that I have someone to make sure that I am safely home. I know without a doubt that it would be simple to fall into a pattern of drinking to excess, particularly when under an enormous about of stress. It is something I have be aware of while drinking. I do have the annoying habit of not having many hangovers in my life (not to say that I haven't pushed the boundaries of drinking where I should have had a hangover but do not.) which annoys the hell out of most of the people in my friend circle who are not as fortunate.

For me, I think it is about knowing your limitations and knowing what consequences you are or are not willing to accept. That is not to say though that I have not been part of an intervention to help friends who are struggling with drug/alcohol addiction, unfortunately I have been and they make my heart hurt. I think about the idea of being trapped in a place where the addiction has taken over your life and how awful that must be - pain beyond anything I can imagine. But, I will always stand by my friends and love them when they struggle to love themselves because they have done it for me in different circumstances.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 2 "Where would you like to be in 10 years?"

An intriguing question for me because there are many variables involved with this question.

1. Will we be successful in trying to have a baby? If yes - then we will be the proud parents of a nearly 9 year old child with I am sure a full schedule of activities and somewhat state of chaos. If no - I hope that we will be using our time together to other dreams such as traveling the world together to visit places we have both dreamed of for years. (To be fair, we still want to do this but if we have children our priorities will be adjusted for awhile!)

2. Will Aaron be in a better place in terms of his job? If yes - then we will be enjoying time together as a family in whatever capacity we can be. If no - then we will be working on finding him a better job prospect in order to get to the "yes" answer.


Ultimately, these 2 things are huge factors in our future because they can drastically alter it.

My hope is that we will continue to be in a strong and loving marriage that will continue to grow and flourish. My hope is that we can continue to have time together with our friends and family that mean so much to us; they been there for us through all this unbelievable stress and roller coaster of emotion that we have been on for the past several years.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 1 "Your current relationship"

I completely stole this idea from a friend's blog and I think it is fantastic. I have been neglecting my blog for too long and have just managed to get back into it and this will do it. It's a challenge and I am up for it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 1 "current relationship"


Aaron and I met in May, 2007 at a friend's graduation party. I was in charge of the planning it and she wanted a theme graduation party, so we went with the 80's theme. I hit up the Goodwill store and found an awfully 80's outfit to wear. Bright orange pants, a black sequined top, a huge colorful scrunchee for my hair, and sequined slide on shoes. Awesome right??? I looked like I just stepped out "The Wedding Singer." Aaron had met the graduate at a bar a few weeks prior and she had invited him to the party. I never met him until that day. He and a friend showed up and as the hostess, I introduced myself to him and his friend. Little did I know that this interaction was going to change the course of my life forever.

We started chatting and found out that there were some serious common topics for us. Now the tricky part is that: I had just become legally separated from my ex-husband. (A whole different story for a whole different post - believe me!) so I wasn't looking for anything at all. I thought he is really hot (seriously, he is...DAMN) but didn't think anything more of it. We friendly flirted, I thought he would ask me for my phone number - but alas, it did not happen. I left the party later that night to my brand new apartment without a phone number but feeling pretty good about things (This would become a long-running joke amongst us that I was interested and he was oblivious!)

About a month later, I met up with some friends at a bar for drinks. I had been enjoying my new situation of self-exploration. Things were still a touch hostile with the ex but we were working on it since we had so many friends that were mutual. I walk in the bar, and there is he at the table with all of my friends! Surprise of all surprises. Of course the only seat was right next to him (I found out much later it was kind of a set up by our friends because they knew we had gotten along so well at the graduation party). We spent that evening chatting and laughing, we had so much in common.

Unfortunately, as there is with legal separations there was some drama.

My ex was there with us (like I said we were trying to be friendly) and he was struggling with seeing me chatting up someone that was not him. I went up to get a drink and he pulled me outside to lecture me on how I was behaving (mind you, nothing had happened aside from laughing and drinking). He said he didn't think it was appropriate for me to being hitting on someone else right in front of him. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA ensued. He ended up being pulled away from me by a friend to leave because he was in my face screaming and carrying on like a fool. Aaron, had no idea what had been going on (seriously, how do tell someone that? especially when you have only met for a total of an hour over 2 different times?) and he comes out to see what was going on since our entire table of friends had emptied out into the parking lot with the commotion. I am off the side of the parking lot, crying because I HATE public fighting and I felt like a beat-down puppy and Aaron comes over to see if I am all right. I spill my guts as mascara is running down my face to explain the short-short version of what was going on, that I felt horrible that he got pulled into the drama when I really wanted to avoid it all if possible. Then he does the most amazing thing...he grabs my chin and picks it up to look him in the eyes and kisses me. Just like you see in those cheesy romantic comedies, I had one of those moments.

We spent 12 hours together after that, we talked for hours and hours. I got no sleep that night whatsoever and couldn't have cared less! There has been no looking back since then.

When I went home in the morning, I called my friend Sandi and told her I just met "the one." I had no idea I could get hit like a ton of bricks like that before and really only thought that kind of relationship happened in those movies that girls love. I had no idea it was true and real, but damn - it is real.

We moved in together in April of the following year, he proposed in July of 2008 and we were married in June 2009. We just knew things were different, we knew from the very beginning that this was like nothing we had either ever experienced in our lives, and despite some of the friends' opinions that we were moving too fast, nothing ever felt more right.


There are so many things that I love about him, this is just a small sampling:

1. He is unwaveringly optimistic about our chances of being a family - this makes me love him and get frustrated with him from time to time.

2. He is brilliant - he is so unbelievably smart and we have such wonderful conversations about topics that make both of us think to a whole different level of intensity. His memory for things and specifics of events in our life is wonderful. He will remember a conversation we had once and make it into something amazing. Example: We had a conversation about how I had not been to the zoo since moving to the St. Louis area in a random conversation. He planned a whole date around surprising me to take me to the zoo for our first date! Mind you, we got lost because he was trying to keep it a secret, but that just makes it that much sweeter that he did that for me.

3. He is calm and collected when I feel like I am a firework about to explode. I love that, my brain works a million miles an hour thinking of all the "what ifs" and he is the one who keeps me from going completely off the deep end.

4. He is literally my best friend in the world. He is the first person I want to talk to about anything and everything under the sun. When I get good news/bad news/so-so news, he is the person I want to talk to about it.

5. He knows everything about me and all the chaos that has been my life at times and takes it all in stride. He knows my worst/best characteristics and loves me unconditionally. Not many men would take the news of the possibility of not having your own family within the first few weeks of dating without batting an eye at the idea, but ultimately telling me that no matter what, he wanted his life with me. There is a strength there that is astonishing to the core.

I hate feeling this way

I have spent the past few weeks working through emotions about my friends' ability to get pregnant without a struggle like ours has been.

I have had 3 friends in the past 2 weeks who have shared they are expecting a little one. I am thrilled and over the moon for them.

As someone who has struggled for so long, there is a sense of sadness that comes over you when you hear this kind of news. It is not the first sense of feeling, but it comes whether you want it to or not. I experienced this again this morning and I was not able to just push through it the way I have in the past.

This one hit me hard like a baseball bat to the gut that knocks the wind of you.

I love these friends dearly, I have been in 2 of their weddings and think they are going to be amazing parents. It is not that I am not happy for them and the new adventure they are going to be on throughout everything. I will do everything in my power to help them throughout their journey and their children will be spoiled rotten by us.

I wasn't expecting it at all, I never thought I would get as emotional as I was today and I somewhat hate myself for the way I felt. I am frustrated with myself for allowing my emotions to run over me as much as they did today. Ugh, I am so frustrated/disgusted with myself. It is tough for Aaron to deal with seeing me when I am that way, he wants to make things better for me when they are not going well. He struggles with allowing me to vent without trying to guide me back to optimism (I love him for his optimism, just allow me to get through the anger and sadness to be able to get to the optimism I truly have about the process for us.)

I am angry at fate and somewhat I am angry at God for allowing this to happen. Yes, I know the saying of everything happens in God's time and with his plan, it is not up to me to make the plan, but DAMN>>>>>>there is a limit to my patience with this. I have moments of complete loss of logic and brain runs away with itself to the bad place that questions all of our choices for the past 2+ years, the side of my brain that is not logical but emotional and the reactions are just that. I hate that I have that aspect within myself. Ugh. So annoying.  We want to be parents, we have done everything and then some that has been asked of us. We have put it all out there since November of 2009 and here we are still basically in the same place.

We want this so badly and have worked through so many obstacles all along the way. The obstacles have been such a strain on us personally as well as on our relationship. Although it has ultimately strengthened us as couple, it has not been an easy journey to even this point in the process. We are not at the end of the route yet and we have a hard stretch to go, making ourselves go into all the IVF process again knowing exactly what we are getting ourselves back into for the second time. I think it might be harder to do it again than it was to go through it the first time. This time, I know what the pain that will come is, I know what the shots do to me physically and emotionally and what the hassle of doctor's appointments are going to be. We know what the excitement and anticipation that goes into the retrievals and the transfer. Yet, now I have to convince myself to go through it all again.

I think it might be harder to do the second time around because I know exactly what it will feel like and what we will have to go through again.

Man, today was a tough one.

A 6 month countdown to trying IVF round #2

Well, the "trying" has come to a close for the month. Not that we really expected much to come from it all, but hey a girl can hope after all.

Now, we have a new agenda - get in as good of shape as possible before we start trying IVF round #2. We are working on better eating, more physical activity, and just general better health overall for both of us.

The doctors say that women with PCOS can help their fertility by losing weight, although the task is quite tough. Even losing 10% of your body weight can get things moving in the right direction. I have lost 30 pounds since we did IVF in August, which is a downright miracle in and of itself. But now, we are going to continue to work on it as much as possible to help our cause when we go through it again. The more I can do to make the situation better, the better chance we have of having success with IVF. I want to do everything in my power to make our chances as positive as we can be going through all of it again.

IVF is tough on many levels and the more I can do, the better.

From 2005 to when I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2006, I had gained nearly 60 pounds and only through searching and many tests was the doctor able to figure out all of the issues I had been having since puberty. 60 extra pounds puts a tremendous amount of strain on my hormones, which is causing some of the infertility problems we are facing. I have lost 30 of those pounds and am going to work as hard as possible to lose the rest of it and more if possible by June when we are hoping to try again.

I am going to try to stay as positive as possible.

Where would I be???

I have spent this week without seeing my husband due to his job putting him on 2nd shift and it will continue into next week. It has made me think about where I would be without him?

I had the fortune of meeting Aaron on chance in 2007 and my life has never been the same since then. In that time, we have become inseparable in so many ways. He is the person I want to talk to every day - good or bad. He is the person I can't wait to hug when I get home and no matter what, I know he will stand by me.

When we started our TTC journey, many people asked how we as a couple were going to deal with the stress and he has never wavered. I am in awe of his strength as we have struggled for over 2 years. He just holds the faith it will work. I would be lost without him, he doesn't tell me to pull myself together when I am upset, he doesn't question me when I cry out of frustration. He is amazing.

I have missed being able to talk to him and spend time with him this week. He is my favorite person.

Reflection on my journey so far...2 years of trying and still nowhere closer

Well, it has been 2 years since we started trying for our family together and I have a few reflections and thoughts about where we are right now. These are just some things I have learned through the process that maybe someone else could benefit from and just allows me to get vent my feelings on the subject.


1. My favorite person at the RE's office is the lady who checks you in every time you go. She always has a smile and never remembers your name, but is the lady who tells you what the status is for the day. Make her your friend, she can get you in when things happen quickly over the weekend and it's Monday morning. She's the maitre de at a fancy club who can get you a table when you don't have a reservation.

2. After a few days of giving yourself shots, you begin to think it's normal to have to use multiple needles within a few minutes, despite the fact that your abdomen is covered in bruises and is swollen to 2 times its pre-shot size. Sadly, you start to look forward to doing it so that you can quickly put it out of your mind for another day.

3. Stretchy yoga pants were the best thing for injection weeks. Comfy with space to have your belly expand with the swelling...not totally dressy enough for work, but they are the best thing when you feel like a swollen balloon and moving around is the last thing you want to do. The inventor should be kissed by all women going through IVF.

4. The idea of taking Clomid again ever in my life is one of the worst ideas EVER and makes me want to cry in a ball in the corner. Women who take it and don't kill anyone should receive the Congressional Medal of Honor for strength. Husbands who want to have sex with their wives when they are taking it, deserve major brownie points to be redeemed at further points down the road.

5. No husband should have that much information about his wife's vagina/uterus/menstrual cycle/ovaries and still be expected to have sex whenever the timing is right for baby-making. Who could do that without some serious effort????

6. The procedures are intense and expensive, I do not for the life of me understand how people can pay out of pocket for this process without insurance paying for some of the different co-pays. I am grateful constantly that I live in a state that has mandatory fertility coverage.

7. All women ages 20+ should take the prenatal vitamin. It's just a good vitamin that makes your nails strong, your hair pretty, and your immune system becomes the Chuck Norris of fighting off infections. I managed to avoid the swine flu when many students in my classes were down for the count and normally I get a cold when someone within 5 miles has one.

8. Having an HSG and they telling you it will be mildly uncomfortable is one of the largest lies ever told. Having your ass in the air, while a radiologist (no not an OBGYN so no sensitivity to a sensitive area) injects dye through each side of your fallopian tubes individually, then making you roll over to each side while your body tries desperately to push the dye back out. I took Vicodin and still cried on the table from the pain.

9. The worst part of the whole process in terms of procedures was the egg retrieval. Nothing prepares you for the waking up from anesthesia disoriented, not recognizing anyone around you, not being able to take the good pain medicines, and in pain from the needles poking through your uterus into your ovaries. AND the pain does not go away for several days, but then you have the added uncomfortable-ness of the egg transfer.

10. The progesterone shot right above your ass hurts like hell and never gets easier. Oh yeah, and you may have to have it once a day for up through the first trimester. I would get angry when Aaron would come close to me with that big thick damn needle. He was not my favorite person for those few minutes everyday.

11. IVF can fail nearly 50% of the time for no reason aside from it just fails. The odds are not as strong as people assume they are given everything a woman has to go through to get to the transfer.

12. The 18 days they make you wait between the transfer and the blood test to reveal the results of the many, many weeks of driving, ultrasounds, daily blood work, shots, painful procedures, and anxiety is the slowest time. The days drag on and on, you think more than ever before that you are feeling things that you may not be, and all you can think about is the result. Was it all worth the trip? The questions in your brain can drive you crazy and staying as busy as possible was the only way I survived that time.

13. NEVER FORGET to thank your significant other for all the help they have to do when you are on 2 days of bed rest after the transfer. I wasn't even able to lift my laptop, Aaron did everything for me during that time and I wouldn't have survived without him.

14. Directly tied to that, significant others need to tell the person going through it all that they appreciate and love all they are willing to put their body through to have a 50/50 shot at a baby. This can never be done enough throughout the entire process and makes things much easier to deal with from day to day.

15. Despite everything, I will do it as often as I can until we run out of insurance, money, or the doctors tell us it will not work for us.

Well, the waiting game begins again.

So, my wonderful RE has allowed me to continue to take Femara to attempt to ovulate on my own while we are waiting for the next IVF cycle (not happening until summer due to me not having tons of sick days to take for all the procedures and recovery from all of that).

Well yesterday was the big go time on the ovulation test and we are "casually" trying. This is just that we are going to try to time ourselves in the general time frame of the positive, but we are not going too crazy with the intensity of the "trying."

Now we are waiting again to see what the deal is on our own. We haven't been in this kind of situation since the IVF waiting game back in August. It was quite difficult that time due to all the intense issues with meds, etc. This time, I am trying to be more calm and laid back about the whole thing, we will see how that goes.

I would love to not have to go through all the shots, ultrasounds, procedures, and pain etc that go along with the IVF - however if it is what I have to do, then I will do it all again in a heartbeat. We hit 2 years of trying at the end of last year and it is just a sad state of affairs. We are just sad at the whole issue and the amount of time involved in this whole trying to be a family process. I know, I know - Aaron and I are a family just the two of us no matter if we ever have a child or not, but we have so much love to give that we want to have a child of our own to share it with.

We do not have adoption as an option due to finances, etc and I would have a hard time if it fell through at the last minute. Same feeling about foster care, if I had a child in foster care and then had to give it back to a situation that was not a healthy one, it would just destroy me. I want to have children in our home, but I am not sure I can handle it that way.

One thing that was made very clear to me with all I went through this year is in fact how fragile and vulnerable my heart is when I open it up that large with hope and caring. I will do it again, but I will do so somewhat cautiously right now to make sure I don't end up in the bad mental place I spent the fall in for reasons completely unrelated to infertility. I cannot manage that again, I nearly fell apart then and I am only now on the mend to a good mental place, another reason we are not jumping back on the roller coaster of the infertility ride.

I wish that things were easier and that things could just happen for us all ready, it's been such a long journey and the end of it will be the start of a new journey. We are so ready to be there...so badly and desperately do we want to be there.

2012 - please allow us our dream, please allow us this without much difficulty, and allow us to have the sense of peace that will come from getting off the infertility ride.

A New Year, a New Attitude

Well, 2011 is officially gone and I am not sad to see it go.

It was a difficult year from the start - one of the most challenging in my memory. I am going to be optimistic that 2012 will be a better year.

I have a wonderful husband, great friends (near and far), a family who loves me, and amazing co-workers who have all been there with me through this year. I am so grateful for them and cannot wait to see what the new year will bring!

Happy New Year everyone!

Good-bye 2011

Well it's been awhile since I have written and I wish I could say that it's going to change anytime soon. Probably not.

I have hope that things will improve to the point that I have more optimism. I really want things to get better and we are going to be working on it in the new year. I am working on getting out the frustrations now so that I can start the new year in a better frame of mind to make things better from this point forward.

Long time, no update - things could be better for certain

Where has the time gone? I am sure that I could explain but it's not the place for that kind of honesty that could result in bad things in my life.

I have to keep myself from going to that dark place again. I have just started to come out of it and going back is scarier than I can describe.

Yes, this post is a different tune than the other ones. Things in my life are more of a struggle than they ever were with the infertility journey. That part of my life has been put on hold indefinitely, which is probably the best thing right now as difficult of a decision as it was for us to make at the time.

We are in a tough place right now, I thought it would get to be easier by sticking it through the really tough times we have had lately but it isn't any better yet. We were making some progress with things and then got a swift kick in the butt back a far away.

Who knew there would be something worse in my life than infertility??? After nearly 2 years of trying to have a baby: 7 months of fertility meds, 3 inseminations, 6 weeks of shots and limited activity, 15+ pounds of weight gain due to meds, 1 painful egg retrieval of 14 eggs, 2 egg transfer, and 2 days of solid bed rest - I found something that makes all of that look uncomplicated and painless. Who knew such a thing existed??

Someday, all the bad things that have happened to me will be explained and I will have a reason for them. Someday, all of the dreams we have had for years will come true. I have to believe it or I will lose faith in many things.

Things are just a mess

You know sometimes in life things are just chaos without a reason? This has been my life since the IVF treatments were done i,n August.

I wonder often how I have found the strength to get through things and move along from day to day. Right now, I am wondering how I am going to get through all there is now and come out the other side successfully. The details of what is happening are not necessary except that they are incredibly difficult to deal with and make the journey through infertility seem simple and not complicated in any way. Wow, never thought I would feel that way about anything after how difficult IVF was this summer but somehow it's true.

Thank goodness for my friends and family. They are my strength right now when I don't have enough for myself. I can never thank them enough for what they have done for me.

1 year later

Well here it is one year after our chemical pregnancy and we are not any closer to our dream than we were then.

Someday it will be our turn.

Small Update

We are putting TTC to the back burner for awhile.

I have some serious work load between teaching and graduate school this semester, trying to give those things my attention and TTC is probably not best for my health. I am not sure when we are going to return to all this, but we will return.

I am probably not going to be updating much right now due to work overload, just letting you all know.

Settling into the school year??? Yeah, right.

It is quickly coming to the end of the 3rd week of school and I would love to say it's calmed down, however that would be a gross understatement to the truth. It's chaos wrapped in anarchy with a side of nuts for extra flavor.

My teaching has become more intense than any of the previous years I have taught. With teaching special education, varying levels of ability within  a class is par for the course. However, this year is a new challenge that has required me to seek out additional supports from other teachers, I have no shame when it comes to this - help is needed and therefore asked for. I do find it interesting though how many teachers do not always seek assistance and allow their own ego of "I have taught for x years and therefore should be able to solve this problem without help." Really not me particularly with this year's challenge. Thankfully, I work in a district where the help is not only available but they are more than happy to provide additional supports and supplies. Makes the journey a little easier when you have people to help!

I am grad school 2 nights a week (makes for REALLY long days - leaving the house at 7:30 am and not getting home until 7:30 pm or later). The classes I am taking are interesting, just very involved though. I am taking special education law, which I have not taken since I was a junior in my undergrad (approximately Fall 2000 - Spring 2001) so it's quite an adventure. I am glad though because so much has changed in the laws particularly recently. They are just going to be a HUGE time commitment.

In terms of the TTC stuff, I started the Femara on Saturday and finished the dose last night. Now comes the fun of ovulation tests 2 times a day until we know it is happening or not. Certainly better than 3 shots a day of stimulation medicines again, I can handle a break from that for awhile longer, particularly with the level of work I have between teaching and grad school. It would be more of a challenge.

The only thing that was tough was that the hormones took awhile to get out of my system as I talked about in my previous post about not feeling like myself. Now I am FINALLY feeling more like myself than I have in more than 2 months, thank goodness. It was driving me nuts, I felt like my body was on a 10 all the time, a state of constant going. This presented itself with a whole new level of challenge - how to get it to shut down to go to sleep at the end of the day, how to do anything to relax when the stress was too much, etc. Aaron and I talked about it, we are going to do this Femara step until probably next semester when I am done with these 2 really involved grad classes. Who knows? Maybe we will get lucky and it will work for us, it would be our luck that we went through IVF and would get lucky just trying on our own with medicine. Just seems to be our luck lately.

Really want to feel like myself again

I am struggling.

I am struggling with feeling disconnected from myself in all aspects of my life, I do not feel like I am doing a good job at any part of my life. I feel like I am struggling as a teacher, a wife, a friend, and everything else. I feel completely disconnected from it and I am struggling with what to do to get reconnected with things.

I have not had an easy time since the call last week about IVF, even after the call from the doctor last night that brought some comfort. I have been really upset every time I think about the situation and still feel like I am processing it all. However, the problem is that I cannot process with so much going on all at the same time. The start of school and getting things in order for that part, along with dealing with the emotions that go with the IVF ending, plus graduate school starting = overload on so many levels.

This week has been hard, I have broken down nearly everyday in tears to some degree even if it's only for a few minutes at a time. I am trying but man do I feel like I am doing a terrible job at all aspects of my life right now.

I am not looking for sympathy or thoughts of "it will get better," so please don't do that. I just needed to get it out.

Recommendations from the RE for the future (info specific and possibly TMI - just a warning)

I spoke the RE today about the whole situation with the failure of the IVF. We talked for nearly a half hour, I have to say that I really like her and appreciate all her effort on our behalf through all of this. She has been an advocate from the very beginning and calls me at home on her own time to make sure we are doing all right. She answered our freaked out call at nearly midnight when we were concerned about a sharp pain I was having after the transfer without hesitation and explained everything quite well. I think that makes it easier to deal with in the long run.

First, she is frustrated that it didn't work for us because as they (they being all 6 REs in the practice, including 2 that were some of the first to do IVF in our area) could not find a specific reason for the failure aside from the fact that we just had the bad luck of falling into the nearly 1/2 who don't work. She said when they looked at the whole protocol and results of the egg quality, there are only small changes they would want to make for the future.

This is comforting and frustrating all at once. It is nice to know that there isn't anything else we could have done to have a serious change of events for us. But at the same time, to not have the medical explanation for the failure.

Secondly, she said they as a collective group definitely recommend us doing IVF again if that's what we decide to do because of all those things. She said that my egg quality was good and I responded very well to the medications and we have good information from the first one to help us make small suggestions for change for the future. But she wants us to be set and comfortable before we jump back into it all again and not to do it before we felt prepared on all levels.

Third, she was completely all right with us taking time before doing it again without stopping all together. She is going to have me take the medication that I was on with the inseminations to help keep me regular (which I am very much not on a normal basis) and that will allow us to "try" with simply doing it on our own with timed intercourse to positive ovulation tests for a few months until we are ready to talk about it again. This is great news because it allows my ovaries to heal up from the over-stimulation but doesn't stop us from trying while we are working up to IVF again. It's a great thing and she is very comfortable with this and wants to do anything she can to assist us with this time of healing.

Other benefits to this step are that since I can be regular on it, I can work on continuing to lose some weight as I have been since about April slowly but surely. I am down nearly 16 pounds since then and that is with gaining and losing weight with the stimulation medication for all that time. With my period being more regular, it helps the metabolism which for people with PCOS (like me) is a huge issue in losing weight. This will also help to make my egg quality become better which will then help with the potential retrievals down the road.

So we are going to start the medication this weekend to do the timed intercourse for the next month and see where we go from here.

At least the question of what could we have done to make it work has been answered and it's nothing. That does help some of the issues of healing for us. We are going to give ourselves time to heal completely before doing this and have to figure out many things logistically before doing it again. We have to figure out money, and how I am going to balance the back and forth to the hospital for the appointments and still be at work, as well as when we will be mentally ready to put ourselves out there again. It's such a huge commitment to the whole process from both me and Aaron and we need to make sure we are completely ready for it all again.

Better than the other day, but a long way to go

After a few days of dealing with the news and doing lots of thinking about what to do from here, we are feeling better (not great, that will come with time) about our decisions.

We are going to take our time with starting up anything again, we really need to heal and to allow us to heal at our pace. We don't want to put a time frame on it, we have said that we would re-evaluate the situation every few months to see where we stand on things. That's about our only idea at this point and I am very happy with the choice. We have spent nearly 2 years working toward this every month and with the IVF taking so much time/effort/energy, the idea of taking a step back for awhile although frustrating is the best thing to help with healing.

Our friends and family have been amazing the past few days and we would not have made it through without them. The support all along the journey to this point has been so helpful and I am not sure how we would have made it otherwise. I know that no matter what we decide to do, try IVF again, seriously look into additional adoption options, or whatever they will be there to support us 1000%.

Sometimes I wish we had an easier journey, sometimes I wish we would have gotten our dream sooner. But then I think about how much we have gone through and how much more we are going to value our child when they are here because of everything. It's not easy to be trying for so long, it's so draining on every level. But, at the same time, it has made us re-evaluate so many things in our lives as important to us and that changes as we go through month to month.

We are working on how we feel about it and going to spend some time doing soul searching for our dream. I hope we can eventually get what we want, it is just going to take longer than we had hoped.

Failed IVF - A Reflection of the Journey

We had our blood work done yesterday and it was negative. Heartbreaking news to hear to say the least.

I had told the nurses to call and leave a message on my voicemail because I wouldn't be able to answer the phone and didn't want to answer it until after school was over because I knew I was going to have a strong reaction either way. When I checked my phone, the doctor's office had called 4 times and left 2 voicemails - it freaked me out and I had to find out what the deal was. So I listened...and immediately crumpled to my desk with the news. I had to leave the school and come home, I could not be there anymore with all the emotions I was going through in that moment. Thankfully, I have amazing co -workers who took my class so I could leave. My principal walked me all the way out to the car and hugged me in support.

I came home and cried for about an hour straight - sobbed uncontrollably while feeling completely defeated would be a better way of describing how I felt.

My RE's nurse called me and we talked for about 20 minutes. She said the my RE meets with the other doctors in her practice every Tuesday to talk about the IVF patients that did not have success. They figure that 6 doctors looking at how it went may help to see something that someone else may not have seen and give suggestions. I told her that I would like to hear what they have to say about recommendations for the future to help us make a decision about doing it again so we can have all the options.

Aaron and I talked about it at great length and we came to a few conclusions:

1. We need to heal - physically, emotionally, mentally. This could take a great deal amount of time and we are not going to put a time restraint on it, when we feel ready to start we will start.

2. We need to listen to the recommendations of the RE after their meeting as to which protocol we would follow if we decide to do it again.

3. We are going to reconsider all of our options, including adoption before we make any major decisions about anything.

Things we learned through our journey:

1. We are stronger than either of us thought we could be to get through all of this.

2. We have amazing friends, family, and support that have helped us get through the past few months without completely losing our minds in the stress of it all.

3. Aaron and I are stronger as a couple than we were at the beginning of our marriage, our relationship has become very strong because we have had to be there to support each other. It makes me happy that we can work through anything.

Side effects or possible pregnancy symptoms??? Who could tell???

So I have been on progesterone since the day of the egg retrieval 8/3. We are officially 7dp3dt as of today and still have too many days to go before we have the blood work done on Friday. Ugh...too long from now. I want answers as to what I am feeling. I do feel things but I am not sure at this point if they are side effects or possible pregnancy symptoms.

Here are the side effects of progesterone:

Bloating; breast tenderness; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; fluid retention; headache; heartburn; irritability; muscle pain; nausea; stomach pain or cramping; tiredness; vomiting.

Things I am feeling:

All of the above.


Unfortunately, those are many symptoms the books say can be early signs of pregnancy as well, who could tell at this point what is what? This is so frustrating.

The one thing I am tired of hearing lately is how we have to give ourselves time to heal before we make a decision about to do next if it doesn't work for us this time. I know that people have the best of intentions, but what is that old saying? "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." We have many people who fall into that category, not all advice is desired or needed when it comes to all of this stuff. I know that when we decided to be open about our journey to being a family that we have to take the good with the bad, but it's never easy to deal with when it is completely unwanted.

The only thing we know at this point is that we are going to have to sit down to have a long conversation about what we want to do no matter what the test results are going to be. If it is positive, we are going to talk about the options for the possibility of it being multiples. If it is negative, we are going to talk about how we feel about IVF again and if/when we would consider doing it again. There are many things to talk about on either end of the spectrum and it is going to take some serious thinking. It's not going to be something we jump to make a decision on and make an announcement to the world about it. We will tell people when we want everyone to know (sorry blogger world - privacy is very important with this until we make a final choice).

Ugh, 5 days til the test and an eternity to go. It has taken us 21 months to get here and these last few days may be the worst of the wait - that's saying something .

Finally feeling better

For the first time since the retrieval, I feel better. I would not go so far as to say I feel good, but better than the way I was feeling for the past week. Small steps of improvement finally.

We have a week until our blood test and this week went surprisingly fast.

My dear friend came to keep me company for a few days and that time when by way too quickly. It was nice to have someone here because I was starting to lose my mind with it being just me all the time.

Then I have spent the last 3 days at school getting ready for the new school year. I am officially back full-time as of Monday and had lots to do to get ready. Thankfully, I had moved all my things into my new room before the summer started because we were pretty sure that I wasn't going to be able to now and I am glad that I did.

It's hard to believe the summer is gone for me now. It went by in a blink.

One week to go until we find out what has happened and have to make a decision about the next step. We decided that no matter what the results are, we are going to be very reserved about it until we have processed it properly enough to be ready for the inevitable questions that come with either outcome. I know that I have been open about all the steps in this process (maybe to a fault?) but Aaron and I are going to need some privacy whether it's positive or negative for us to deal with it in the way that's best for us. Yes, it will be tough to not just tell everyone the news but we have to protect ourselves first and foremost.

Just ready to know, it's been a long time in the coming and we have never been so close before in the 21 months we have been trying.

Update - 4 days post 3 day transfer (4dp3dt for short)

I am doing all right, the first 2 days after the transfer I wasn't allowed to do anything at all by dr orders and husband orders. It was not as glamorous as it sounds though, very frustrating. Aaron had to lift my laptop onto my lap desk to be able to use it because it was beyond my lifting ability. I started doing some light duty stuff on Monday, but am still not back where I was before.

I am dealing with the side effects from the progesterone shots - sleeplessness, constipation (with pain since that whole area is sensitive right now), and a soreness on my lower back muscles since that's where they have to be injected. I hate them!! I am glad if they are helping, but I dread it when Aaron tells me it is time for the shot because they hurt. Found out the side effects the hard way on Saturday night when I had a really sharp pain on one side. At nearly midnight, we called the emergency exchange because it was very sharp. That's how we found out that I was going to need to add stool softeners to my medicine cocktail to help since the progesterone can slow the bowel down. Great.

I went into school today to start getting things together - school starts Monday with kids on Tuesday. I am working on building up my energy level since I have been so low in activity for so long now, I am not used to it. I think the first week is going to completely exhaust me more than it usually does anyway.

We did find out that none of our embryos made it to cryopreserve so if we don't have luck this time, we have to start over with the injections again to have another chance. That was discouraging. We know they put the best 2 in me, but we were hoping to have a few to try before going through all of that again. We are staying positive about our chances now, but it took our back up plan out of the way right away. It's been a rough pill to swallow for the two of us and it's been pretty hard.

We had our transfer today

We got the call this morning at about 7:30 am telling us that we were set for our transfer this morning!! We were so excited to get going on it.

The doctor showed us how our 8 embryos had been doing while we got set up for the transfer. We had 3 that stopped growing by this morning, so they will not be used for even the potential of cryopreserve. We were transferring 2 today and we have 3 they are still going to watch to see if we can freeze them for the future (we really hope so but we won't know until the end of the week, they have to watch them for a few more days before we know for sure).

The transfer itself wasn't too bad, mostly bad due to having a full bladder for the ultrasound to be used coupled with the swollen ovaries I still have and the uterus cramping I still have from the retrieval the other day. Once they got the catheter in the right place, it was pretty easy. I had to then lie down for 30 minutes after before we were discharged.

As I was lying there, Aaron and I talked about things. We are nervous we won't have any embryos to freeze to try again before having to do the whole injections all over again, we are nervous that we will have gone through all of this and come out with no baby. We talked about it and I am not sure how I feel about going through all of this again, it has been so tough on both of us (me physically more than Aaron). If we get one baby out of this, that is going to be it for us. I would love for both of them to take, but if only one does we are just as happy with that as we would be with anything else.

We have an appointment for a blood test on 8/19 - just under 2 weeks from now.  I am not going to do any home pregnancy tests because they can be inaccurate due to HCG shot I had to take before the retrieval. I could get a false positive and that would be devastating. I am just going to wait.

Now we have done everything we can to make the situation as best as it can be and it's out of our hands. It's kind of relieving actually to have it be out of our hands. The prep work for this has been extraordinary and I have worried every step of the way that I was going to do something that would mess it up. Now, there is nothing else I can do but wait. It's actually a relief to be at this point.

Please let this be our chance - 21 months of trying and now 2 weeks to find out if our best chance has gotten us our dream.

Results from retrieval

We have 8 eggs that fertilized of the 14!!

All 5 of the ones they injected the sperm into fertilized and 3 of the ones they put the eggs and sperm in the same dish fertilized. This is awesome news.

They will watch for until Saturday morning to decide which are the 2 best ones are to transfer. If they are all looking pretty good or look like they need a little more time, they will watch them until Monday. We won't get the call until Saturday morning about coming in, so it's a waiting game now.

We are going to transfer 2 - we have a good chance of both of them taking which would mean that we won't have to do this ever again.

I am so excited and relieved right now.

I feel much better today than yesterday, still sore and a little crampy but pretty much better than it was.

Retrieval complete

The retrieval went really well.

They got 14 of the 16 follicles with strong and good eggs!! The cramping was bananas though with the whole they have to go through the uterus wall thing, but it's much much better now than it was this morning after the procedure.

I have been chilling out, I came home and slept nearly 4 hours in a row. We will get the fertilization report tomorrow to see how many actually fertilized. Transfer set for either Saturday or Monday depending on how they develop over the next few days. The hard part of this process is done now, the transfer is about the same as the IUI.

Now back to resting.

Good-bye 3 shots a day - Hello egg retrieval!

I just got the fantastic call from the doctor about the ultrasound results from this morning and we are good to go for the egg retrieval!!!!

I sat down and cried for a few minutes to let it all sink in.  It has been quite the journey to this point and we are beyond ready for the next step.

No more 3 shots a night, no more bloating from swollen ovaries, and time to get ready for the surgery.

We are scheduled to do our HCG trigger shot tonight and our appointment for the surgery is Wednesday morning first thing.

I can hardly believe after all this prep: almost 4 weeks on Lupron, 11 days of 3 shots a day (ugh), swollen ovaries, no pants fitting, tough time sleeping from nerves and side effects of meds, 6 doctors appointments 45 minutes away in 12 days, 2 ultrasounds and 6 blood draws.

It's almost surreal at this point.

Good news!

We went in for the ultrasound scan of my ovaries this morning after 8 days of stimulating. I was so nervous that I could barely sleep last night because I was so worried that I had been on these meds and that my body wasn't reacting as powerfully as they wanted it. I was nervous, nervous, nervous!!

The scan went really well, they want to see the follicles (sacks that hold eggs in ovaries) to be at 18 mm to be considered ready for retrieval. I had a 3-4 that were at about 15-16 mm all ready and then I had 12-13 remaining at about 11-14 mm. They tend to grow 1-2 mm a day on the medicine depending on the dosage so we may only have a few more days of this before we are ready for the retrieval. THANK GOD! I go back on Monday for another scan and blood draw to check the hormone levels and there is a good chance that we may get the green light to do the HCG shot which would signal us to do the retrieval!

I feel like a hugely puffed up balloon and today I saw why, my ovaries are huge on the screen. I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to see them on the screen because I never have fully understood what I see on the screen. The follicle sacks were very clear on the screen and man alive were my ovaries huge.

It means that all of this has been working and that makes me happy that this has been working the way they want it to. It means we are on track for the retrieval to take place this week and hopefully have the transfer either at the beginning of the weekend or the beginning of the following week. It's exciting and nerve-wrecking all at the same time.

A test of faith to a large degree

After taking the new medicines for 3 days now and feeling the effects of the stimulation drugs, I am convinced that this is a test of faith. Faith in the process, faith in my doctors, faith in myself to handle all of this, faith in my relationship with Aaron to survive all of this, and faith in general.

The first 2 go hand-in-hand - faith in the process and my doctors. I have to trust my doctors know what they are doing by recommending these medicines in this order on these days of the stimulation. I have to trust in the fact that they have had success in the past with people who have a similar medical history as I do and are only going to do as much as they need to in order to get us where we need to be. I have to tell myself that several times a day.

Faith in my relationship with Aaron is simple. I know there is very little doubt that we can survive this, we have gone through other challenges and come out the other side stronger than ever. We just need to remind ourselves over and over that we have done other things and we love each other. This is bringing us closer to our dream that we have shared since the beginning of our relationship.

My faith in general has been shaken to the core with the infertility aspect of my life. I have never considered myself necessarily religious, but I have become much more spiritual throughout it. I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason and there is a bigger plan at work that is beyond my control. Yes, it would be nice for things to happen when I believe they should, however that is not in fact the case.

Finally, the most difficult one is faith in myself. There are moments in the day nearly everyday that test my ability to think I can handle these medications. It is tough when your body has a mind of its own without giving you a heads-up to the length of time they are going to stay and how intense they are going to be. I worry that I will not be strong enough and will allow the temporary pain to overrun my thoughts and consume me. I worry that my body won't respond well to the medicines and I will suffer from even more serious effects. And, more importantly, I worry that my body will fail me when we get to the retrieval and I will not have any eggs that will survive to even try to be our babies. It's a scary way to feel and I have to focus on how I have been through terrible and painful (physically and emotionally) in my life and have been able to come out the other side stronger than ever. I have to remind myself daily how I have done that and be strong.

We have the go ahead from the RE - IVF time!

I went to the RE yesterday morning to have an ultrasound and a hormone check blood draw. We were checking to see if the medicine I have been on for the last 2 weeks has been working the way we need it to in order to start the stimulation part of IVF. It was nerve-wrecking time to wait for the results because if it didn't go well, we could be looking at pushing things back a week or two. Having to wait longer is so freaking scary at this point since it has been so long since we started and we want to be parents.

I received the great news yesterday afternoon - my hormone levels were right where they wanted them to be and the ultrasound showed many follicles just waiting to be stimulated! This means it's time to start the stimulation medicine today to hopefully have many of the follicle grow to where we need them in order to use them in the IVF retrieval.

Tonight starts the upping of the injections and the lowering of my activity level to keep from doing more damage than good. I have been stocking up on the things I can do from the couch or that are more just laid back to help keep from doing more damage. All of that starts today!

A email from my uncle that made things so much easier to deal with

I wrote on Facebook on Father's Day last month about the 2 men in my life who took the place of the man who chose not to be in my life as a father - my 2 uncles. This is what I wrote:

happy Father's Day to all the men who were "fathers" in my life (uncles, brothers, & moms who had to be both), all those who are fathers (friends and family), those no longer here (my father-in-law I never met who passed away on Father's Day 10 years ago but know through the family), & the man who will be the father to my children someday (Aaron)

Here is the email I received from one of them and it changed my whole day. I am very lucky to have him in my life for more reasons than I am sure they do not even know:

Christine

I was getting ready to post a message to Facebook yesterday  (now that I am more willing to use the social networking stuff….)

And I realized that I had failed to respond to your Facebook photo/post on Father’s Day – and, for that, I apologize

That you would post for all the world to see (or at least all the Facebook folks) – that you consider me to have played a fatherly role is very humbling and gratifying

I should have replied immediately and on the Facebook site –for everyone to see how honored I was that you should consider me to have fulfilled an important role in your life.

I know that growing up with an absentee father was difficult for you – and formed some parts of the you that you became – in many ways. 

One of my favorite memories is of helping you learn to ride a bicycle without training wheels – there were some anxious, frustrating moments, an argument or two, and maybe a small scrape – but you were determined – and succeeded -   as you have in so many things through the years.

I wish you hadn’t had to grow up so quickly and take on many responsibilities that you got at an early age – but (as all the “cool” kids say) it is what it is/was -  and you became all the better for it in the long run.  (at least that is a good way to look back on it all now).   

 

Although I was always away when you were growing up – either at college or on an Army assignment somewhere -  I tried to make the most of the short interaction times I had with you during holidays or other visits to the Chicago area   (and your brothers and sister and cousins no matter the then-current state of family dynamics) .

We share more than a birth month and the fact of being the youngest born child - 

I see many similarities -  a career devoted to serving others,  a willingness to venture out on your own at a young age, a love of learning, a bit of a temper, a smidgen of stubborn-ness,  and an strong independence.

I think I have told you before – and if not – another failure on my part

The day of your Master’s graduation – when I saw you enter the auditorium and take your seat – I was overwhelmed with pride – I literally could feel my heart rate rise and chest swell with pride.

Pride -  For all that you have overcome in your lifetime -  illnesses, familial situations, relationships, academic demands, external demands on your time, financial needs (and getting jobs to pay for what you needed and wanted)

Pride  - For all that you have become -  a wonderful person, a great wife, a outstanding teacher, a mentor and friend to many.

Love

Uncle Bill