I feel like crud

Well I am pretty sure that my body is angry at me. Months of fertility shots and all the procedures, I am fairly certain that is fighting me back...hard.

I started my period after coming off the progesterone and it is seriously kicking my butt. I feel like this is a terrible period and it seems like the my body is punishing me with the worst period I can remember. It's awful and I want the pain to go away.

This sucks.

It is just a huge reminder of what I had and what is now gone. It feels like a cruel joke.

We had our dream and then it was gone just as quickly. I am sad, angry, frustrated, defeated, and just wanting to have it all go back to being positive again before it was all gone in an instant.

I miss my mom right now so much. I can barely even think about her without starting to cry right now because it's just not fair that she is not here with me as I am going through all of this. I know she is watching, but it is not the same as her being here with me to talk me through all the pain I am feeling right now. There isn't going to be a way to make that pain go away and it hurts so much.

And now we heal...

Well, now it's time to heal up...how long is that going to take?

Aaron and I went out last night to have a dinner just the two of us. It was nice to have some time just us after this crazy week that we somehow managed to get through. This week was about surviving and that's what we did, we survived.

Now comes healing and time to be able to move forward.

We have to deal with this in our own time and feel as though it's time to move on when that feels good.

I am not sure that we would have made it through this week without friends and family supporting us. It was important to know we had support because this is hard. It hurts tremendously and I know that eventually, I will feel better about things with time passing by.

Damnit!!

Well - we officially had an early miscarriage.

Last Thursday, we had a positive POAS and again on Friday/Saturday. This was after we had negative tests Monday and Tuesday so we were of course thrilled.

We told our families knowing either way we would need them. They were so excited and elated for us - it was amazing that our dream had come true. We looked like a couple of overly-happily dopes for a few days.

As the day of my blood test approached, I was excited so I took another test on Monday. Really, it was for the joy of seeing a positive after 3 years of trying.

Much to my shock, it was negative. I woke Aaron up and we just sat on the bathroom floor and cried.

Tuesday was the same and I knew it was an early miscarriage.

Still nothing prepared me for the call from the doctor. She said the blood test was positive but the number was on the really low side of positive. A positive is above 5 on the HCG level, I had a 13. This meant there was a good chance of an early miscarriage and they wanted me to come in to repeat the test in 2 days to see what the number did. Ideally, we would want that 13 to almost double in 2 days but it would still need to be monitored closely.

This morning, I went in again for a follow up test. When the call came in, I was not surprised to hear that the beta number had dropped to zero.

Does that prepare you to know that you were pregnant and it's gone?? No.

Does it make you focus on how far you have come in the process?? No, that doesn't help at all.

Does it make you ready to jump back into the process with the frozen embryos?? Not yet - my poor body needs to rest a little first.

We are heartbroken.

We are hurting and wish it was all a dream. Wanting the positive tests back again. Wanting the good feeling of not having to struggle in fertility.

All there is left to say is - damnit.

Why not us???????

6dp5dt - less than a week til blood test

I am 6 days past 5 day transfer and the blood test is coming up soon - thankfully. My time has been spent prepping for the school year which has kept me busy and therefore I am not really thinking about all the waiting.

We found out yesterday that they were able to freeze 4 embryos - which is amazing!! We have never had even one to freeze before so to get the news for 4 is shocking. My RE is very careful about watching them to make sure that they have the best chance of surviving cryopreservation.

This is the best news because we can try 4 more times before having to start over with all the shots again!! I nearly cried at that phone call - not going to lie about that. It was such a relief!

Today has been interesting so far: I have not felt great, nearly threw up in the shower and had to walk out of a store due to the smell of bread baking. I am not normally really sensitive to smells - the last time I had this, we are pretty sure I became pregnant but then lost it since my blood work was still pretty high in levels but was falling fast. While its encouraging, it threw me for a loop because it was so strong so fast! I am struggling not to put too much stock in any of it though because I don't want the let down.

Only a few days to go!

4 Days Post 5 day Transfer - a mouthful to say

Well here I am, 4 days after the 5 day transfer just waiting, waiting, waiting.

We had the transfer Thursday morning. Things were different than we had planned for the 3 day transfer because going that extra amount of time adjusts the schedule.

Changes:

1. We only transferred 2 blastocysts (what embryos are by the 5th day of growth). According the restrictions, they do not do more than 2 to anyone under 37 years old on the day 5 transfers. According to the doctor this is due to the higher probability of them surviving and that then increasing the chance for multiples, which is not their goal. They want one successful pregnancy, not 3. I understand this theory - I was just annoyed at it because this is our 3rd try and wanted to give as many opportunities to have a successful cycle.

2. We did not do the assisted hatching on the blasts. This is only done when they do a day 3 transfer because the cells are smaller and the shell tends to be harder. As the embryo grows, the shell thins out to cover more surface area and they worry that doing the assisted hatching on a day 5 blast could damage the cells since the shell is thinner at that point. It's not standard practice and can result in damage (which we don't want at all). This makes us nervous some - we believe that our major issue has been the implantation and the assisted hatching was supposed to be a solution to that. So now we are not sure what to think. Again, we understand that this is the recommendations, it was just a surprise.

The good news of the situation is that my waiting window to get my blood test is only 12 days instead of 14 because the blasts have been growing so much before they are transferred. I go in on the 21st for my blood test. We really hope this works because we are incredibly close to being out of insurance coverage and cannot afford to do this after the insurance coverage stops.

For now, I am working in my classroom, getting prepped to have kiddos on the 20th, although I consider myself back full time right now our first official day back is on Thursday. It is keeping me plenty busy as I wait out this time period.

I feel as though my whole summer has been hurry up, wait then repeat.

Egg transfer pushed from a day 3 to a day 5

Yesterday was tentatively scheduled to be our day 3 transfer of the embryos, I received a call from the doctor's office saying we are being pushed to the day 5 transfer instead. I was confused and concerned that something was going on or that the embryos were not doing well so they were hoping that a few more days of watching would make the call.

2 agonizing hours later, I received a call from the lab to tell me all about the embryos and why they pushed it to the day 5 transfer. We have so many embryos that were exactly where they wanted them to be according to their criteria by day 3, they wanted to watch them longer to make sure they were putting the best of the best in! I was surprised as hell to say the least. I had 8 embryos that were exactly where they wanted them and several more that were a little slow but close to the standards they wanted.

That's just amazing. We have done this 2 times before and some of the embryos we have had to choose from are not that great or just a few that are right at the criteria. To have so many that were not only barely there but doing so well, is astonishing to us, it gives us hope that we may have some to freeze after the transfer. We are still cautious with that thought though since we have not had any the other 2 times we have done this.

I am going to stay positive that the ones they transfer in tomorrow are going to be the best of the best and with doing the day 5 transfer, it means the embryos are strong. We could have a really great chance of them implanting and growing.

It's hard to not get too excited about this prospect though...it's been the most encouraging in terms of results of the meds, and the quality of the embryos. Getting my hopes up too high though is a dangerous road that I almost always end up going down again. I know I was get really excited and nervous again just as I have done ever other time - I don't know how someone couldn't with the investment of the whole process.

Ready to get the show on the road...tomorrow seems so far from now, 2 weeks to find out is almost an eternity.

Egg Retrieval Day

We had the egg retrieval early this morning - it was insane!!! They retrieved 34 eggs which is just unbelievable!!

I was in quite a bit of pain afterwards though from the procedure. They had to give me morphine and monitored me for longer than they have in the past.

We will know tomorrow how many fertilized and I really hope it's a good report. There have to be enough to do the transfer as well as hopefully some to freeze.

It's still astounding there were that many eggs ready to go - even the nurse said she was surprised by it!

Day 9 of shots - need to be onto the next step

Well I had another doctor appointment this morning and we are moving closer to the retrieval.

This whole cycle has been different for us - we have had to change our mindset to the approach. The last 2 cycles it was about getting as many eggs as possible to give us the best chances of having them fertilize as well as hoping for some to freeze. Well, that hasn't worked out well, we haven't had any to freeze from either one. So this time, we are trying to switch mentalities to think about getting the best 3 embryos we can for the transfer and letting the others just be there. They won't survive anyway but it increases our odds.

That has made it difficult though because it is a switch in thinking. We had been so concerned at the ultrasounds about having as many as possible. This time has been a slower growing cycle overall and I am struggling to not jump to the bad thoughts about it all. The doctor is happy with our progress though and is happy with everything.

We should be looking at doing the big trigger shot tomorrow or Thursday and having the transfer Monday or Tuesday.

We are getting there - slowly.

So ready to be off this part of the emotional roller coaster please.

Sometimes you just want to scream

That was me yesterday, I wanted to scream and hit something hard.

I am not a violent person, but yesterday hopped up on hormones, I surely felt as though I could get physically violent with someone if I continued to get the run around.

I was trying to get my medicine ordered for this cycle of IVF. We had some left over from the last cycle and thank god we did. My insurance covers the meds (I am not complaining about the fact they cover it, I am grateful) however, their procedures to get it approved and shipped leaves something to be desired.

When I went to the RE's office to get the baseline blood work and ultrasound showing things were a go, they sent the information to my insurance to get their approval for the cycle. Okay, kind of annoying, but not a huge deal. However, they have to approve it and then send it to the specialty pharmacy for them to get it in the system to then set up a delivery of the medications. This shipping is done overnight due to one of the meds having to be refrigerated. BUT - the issue comes that the day you go in for the blood work and ultrasound, you need to start the shots THAT night and the earliest you can get your meds if the system is working at its finest is the day after the RE visit. Why doesn't this system coordinate with the cycle set ups????? This is the million dollar question.

So, yesterday being 2 days after my appt with the RE, I still had not heard from the pharmacy about setting up delivery and was getting awfully close with one of the medicines to running out. So I called them to get a status update. They say that RE's office needed to send them a particular form that was not included with all the other papers before they could set up shipment. Called the RE's office and they sent it right away. 2 hours later, I call back to the pharmacy and am told the same thing, still waiting for the form in order to get through the approval process. I started to freak out because I cannot start and stop this medication on a whim. We tried to see if we could get it locally, as long as insurance would approval an override since they were not going to be able to ship it for me to have it before the medication would run out. The specialty pharmacy finally had all the approval, but it was past the time for me to get shipment the next day and there wasn't anything they could do about it. I was really ready to lose my mind and was struggling to make sentences because my hormone-filled self was seeing bright red. I was having to work very hard to maintain my composure and I was just completely defeated with the whole process. Really, I just wanted to cry.

Needless to say it took 6 more phone calls after that to the insurance and RE's office before they magically resolved the problem. Even though I was told I was being "rude" to their customer service person who was just following their procedures and that their hands were tied due to those procedures. Well a total of 8 phone calls to the insurance pharmacy and 5 calls to the RE's office would cause anyone to be frustrated with the situation. Let's add several days of hard-core hormones to the situation and then you may be close to where I was at that moment.

Oh, and while all of this is going on - our dishwasher decides that time is the perfect time to not drain and back up.

When it rains, it pours.

While our area which is currently in a severe drought needs rain, this is not what I would have wanted it to be in terms of a downpour.

The meds were here this morning and we are set for the rest of this cycle and man do I hope it works so I do not have to go through all this again with this stupid pharmacy. They are too much hassle! This process is very complicated as it, why add insult to injury and make something more difficult than it needs to be???

I have another appointment on Saturday morning to do an update to the follicles and I really hope they are growing large and in charge so we can get through the retrieval as soon as possible.

Some people make me angry with all of this. Ignorance is not an excuse to be hurtful.

I received this as a response to a post I had on Facebook about the medication costs before insurance:

Have you thought about going to a new specialist. No offense, but if they haven't helped you, do you think the more expensive drug will benefit you, simply because it cost more? I am sorry If this is crass, but I feel for you and worry about the effects of said drug. I hope something will give for you two. Mother nature works itself out. My thoughts are with you!

My angry response:

My meds are only $75 a piece with insurance. There are not many drugs that do what they need to do and some of them are actually more expensive than those. I am friends with people around the country and they are paying more than those costs for the same medications and are having to do it without insurance helping them out. The meds are doing exactly what they are supposed to do in the protocol for IVF - there is not a magic cure to make the embryos implant and there is not a medicine to take to make that happen. These meds are carefully monitored to see how they are affecting the growth of the eggs to make them grow without growing too quickly which can cause permanent damage. My specialist and the other 5 in her practice are amazing, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. We are fortunate that my health insurance covers over 90% of the procedures and that I am only paying $75 of a $1900 medication. Some women I know have paid over $20,000 for the procedures themselves and nearly $4,000 for the medications.

As for mother nature working itself out, that's not going to happen. I have undergone more testing than I care to think about over the course of the last 6 years and on our own, we have less than a 1% chance of conceiving on our own. And the 1% is a high estimate to the situation. We cannot just wait for mother nature to take over and handle this because it is not probable to happen that way. These doctor's have given up a 56% chance of conceiving which is nationally the best average for someone in my situation - 1% to 56%, I will take those odds. 

Make sure you have the facts people, please before saying something. If you don't know - ask. Don't assume you know anything unless you have asked or experienced it yourself. 

Now, I really want to scream...  

3rd Time's A Charm?????? (Man, I hope so)

We went to the RE this morning for a blood draw checking my estrogen level and an ultrasound. We were looking to make sure that the ovaries had healed from the stimulating drugs last month and that my estrogen levels had come down to an average range after everything.

The ultrasound tech said the ovaries looked really good and that they were down to the size we were looking for them to be. The nurse called and said that the estrogen levels were great too.

So, what does that mean??

Shots, shots, shots.

We start the 2 shots a day again tonight. I have my next blood draw and ultrasound on Saturday morning. Ugh, but a necessary evil.

The RE is recommending us to do a technique called "assisted hatching" this time. This is when they take the outer shell of the embryos and busting through it before they are transferred back into me.

My eggs are great quality, Aaron's sperm count is high and strong (much to his ego happiness), so that's not the issue. We have done 2 different medical protocols and neither have taken, but we have had great numbers of embryos retrieved and many of them fertilized - there has to be something else going on that is keeping those little guys from taking hold in me. I have had my uterus checked out and the lining is good, no polyps or cysts - everything is good everywhere else.

Man, it's frustrating as hell. Everything is lining up great, but those embryos have not taken hold.

They also want us to consider transferring 3 embryos instead of 2.

What the frustrating part is that they do not usually do assisted hatching and this many embryos in someone my age (31 - 32 in November) because women my age often do not need to have their outer layer broken. It happens as we get older and by the time they are doing IVF on women in their late 30s, it's common practice.

_______________________________________

How does this make me feel??

Pseudo-broken that I am on the younger side of the IVF protocols and have to do the techniques for more challenging IVF cases.

Frustrated that this is where we are now.

Hopeful that these changes will make all the difference.

Annoyed at the stimulating shots taking over my life again.

Scared for the pain of the retrieval.

Nervous for the 2ww.

Broke because it's 2 cycles in as many months.

Excited that we will get it in before the new school year starts (I could have my Beta test on my first day of school with students full time depending on when the retrieval will be set.)

Relieve that we seemed to have determined exactly what the issue is with the failures.

Semi-worried that if we do all 3 in the transfer and what happens if they all take???? (Talk about getting more than your dream!!)

_____________________________________


Yes, that's quite a bit of emotions running the whole spectrum of emotions. Unfortunately, it's all at the same time and comes to me in different waves. Sometimes, the waves are tidal waves, other times they are just little ripples in the water.

Well, I have to run and start doing shots again - this is my life from now until who knows when? I hate this part, thank goodness it's only a few minutes a day.

Tomorrow it all starts again

After speaking with my RE, we have decided to try again. She recommends us to do it again with some additional modifications to help us along.

I will go in to the doctor in the morning to have an ultrasound and a blood test to see if my body is ready for it. If yes, I will start med tomorrow. If not, then we have to wait at least one cycle before we can start.

We are hoping that we can start right away so we can try to get it all in before the new school year starts. At least with the rough aspects, so I am not trying to go through all of that while the beginning of the school year is going on. That is enough in and of itself.

Aaron and I have talked about it and we are going to be very closed with this cycle. Not because we are trying to close people out. Not because we don't appreciate the support. Not because we are trying to hurt anyone. We just need to for our own reasons that are really not going to make sense to anyone else.

200th post - not good news

Well this is my 200th post - hard to believe it is at this point, man the time has both flown by as well as dragged on and on.

We had the blood test yesterday and it was not good news. The embryos did not take.

We had such high hopes after all the positive improvement to the whole protocol from the previous attempt. Things seemed to be looking up and moving in the right direction. We had more eggs retrieved and the embryos they transferred were of so much better quality and growth than our try last year.

Then, BOOM...nothing.

We have nothing to show for it except incredible heartache, bills to be paid, and much self-doubt.

We are no further along than we were when we started all this journey years ago and it's so tough to not get so discouraged and feel like a failure.

Now, all the questions of the future are flooding my brain and I am just overwhelmed.

The amount of support and love that we have received helps, although I could never put into words how much that support means because there are not words of gratitude that exist to fully explain it to them. It's like trying to describe an intangible feeling to someone without experience with emotions. We are so grateful.

I cannot talk about it out loud right now - every time I have tried, I start sobbing uncontrollably.

The only thing I can say is that this hurts so much more than everything we went through last year. Why do I feel that way? I am not sure.

Again my specialist is going to meet with the others in her practice to review it all to make their recommendations for the future as they did last time. Our fear is that they are going to say we just had the bad luck of being in the 44% that do not work for absolutely no reason at all AGAIN. That was what the result of the first one was.

Aaron and I have talked about it and we want to go ahead if it's recommended right away. We are hoping that we can get through the back and forth to the doctor's office as well as the retrieval before my school year starts to help with me not having to take days off work, if possible.

Ugh - to do it all again is so frustrating.

We are good people, we have a good marriage, and such a desire to be a family. Why is this not happening for us?????? I know, I know, I could drive myself insane with this wondering but it is so hard to not think about.

Today, I am doing a sad day.

I am going to be sad for all the process we have been through so far in our journey. I am going to be sad for the pain of the procedures. I am going to be sad for the terrible luck we seem to have with it all. I am going to be sad for all the emotions we are going through, both individually and as a couple.

It's like the grieving process. Something I am all too familiar with right now with my mother's recent passing.

I am scared to death for a million reasons - scared this will never work, scared of the pain again just to start with.

Now, onto my sad day to try to deal with this all.

Update - 8 days past 3 day transfer (8dp3dt for short)

So here we are at 8 days past our 3 day embryo transfer and how do I feel?

Unsure.

I don't really feel much more than some random cramping and the side effects that are associated with the progesterone shots I have to have everyday.

By the way, I hate this shot so much even though I know it is helping with the situation. It is a painful shot and for those few minutes everyday when Aaron is giving me the shot, I really don't like him because he is the one who is administering it to me. :-( He doesn't like that it hurts and that he is the one who has to do it.

We still have a week to go - our blood Beta test is next Thursday. It would be Wednesday to be exactly weeks from the transfer but I will be out of town until Wednesday afternoon so I will not be around to get the test.

We are anxious and nervous.

I am working really hard at not letting these get to me, but sometimes for a few minutes everyday - I just can't help it. :-(


My fears:

1. This won't work at all for no medical reason like what happened to us last year.

2. We would have to do it all again - taking on the financial, emotional, and time commitments all over again.

3. This won't work for a specific medical reason that we are not aware of before now - as in some medical condition that no one saw coming.

4. Can I go through it all a 3rd time??????

5. What happens if we do it a 3rd time and it still doesn't work? My fertility coverage only covers 4 lifetime successful tries. They determine "successful" as having an egg retrieval with eggs that fertilized. We would be cutting it so close to our limit.


My husband is amazing through this, he stays as positive as he can (even sometimes to the point, I get annoyed with his optimism). He makes sure I am drinking all the fluids I am supposed to and he makes sure that I take all my meds on time. He checks in on me throughout the day just to see how I am doing and he tries to talk me down when the fears/anxieties kick in. I don't know what I would do without him. 

One week to go - seems like a lifetime.

Egg Transfer Done

We had the egg transfer this morning.

We had 2 strong 8-cell embryos that were put inside me - that is better than we had last year, I think the best we had was a 6-cell embryo.

The doctor is very optimistic about it all this time.

Now I am on bed rest to let those little guys implant inside me and grow, grow, grow!!

My blood test will be on July 19 - would be the 18th but I am gone to a workshop with the Illinois State Board of Education until the afternoon of the 18th, so can't get to St. Louis for the blood test.

Holy Fertilized Eggs!!

We received the call from the doctor today about our eggs from yesterday.

Of the 18 eggs they retrieved - 14 of them fertilized!!!!!

That's amazing!

We did not do the injection of sperm into the eggs (known as ICSI for intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) this time as we did last time. Most people think this is standard IVF procedure to inject the sperm directly into the eggs, but that is an entirely separate procedure altogether. Standard IVF procedure is to pour the sperm directly onto the egg in the petri dish and allow the two to naturally connect.

We had better success with the standard IVF last year, more of those eggs made it so we opted to do only do that this time. Apparently, this has been quite successful for us this time as well.

Now we just wait to see if we are going to do the transfer back into me on either Wednesday or Friday depending on how they are growing. Since medical science cannot replicate the human body, the sooner we can get the eggs back into the body the better the chances. We are hoping that the two best ones are the only ones we will need and that the others can make it to the freezing point so that we have options down the road.

This is all so complicated and I am trying to explain it to people as best as possible because there is quite a bit of confusion with it all. Some thought as soon as we started shots that we were on our way, some thought with the retrieval, but really we are not done until the transfer is complete. Then it's 2 straight days of bed rest or more if possible to hopefully allow the eggs implant in my uterus and taking the strain off my body to let it rest after this whole process.

Here's hoping!

Egg Retrieval was yesterday

We had the egg retrieval yesterday.

Our appointment was at 8:30 am and it was very quiet at the doctor's office given that it was a Sunday.

The procedure itself didn't hurt nearly as badly as it did last year but they did not have an issue getting to my ovaries as they did last year. I am not going to say that it was pain free, but it was not nearly as painful this time. I was in huge pain last year, but this year it wasn't much more uncomfortable than I was with the swollen ovaries from the stimulation.

They collected 18 follicles which is awesome. The doctor's office will call me today to let us know how many of the eggs were not only mature but fertilized.

We are hopeful that many of them will have fertilized so we have many options.

It will be Wednesday at the earliest before we could have the transfer, Friday at the latest.

They will only transfer 2 of the eggs back into me according to the regulations they recommend for someone who is my age. They will not put more than that back into me to help reduce the risk of having a multiple pregnancy. According to the doctor, they are not looking for me to have more than 1 successful pregnancy. However, I am in the category of a higher risk for twins due to many different factors.

So more of the waiting game to find out how many eggs fertilized, then more waiting to see if it is going to be Wednesday or Friday for the transfer, then 2 weeks of waiting to see if it worked or not. It's all a hurry up then wait game. 

And it continues

Well an update again...

We have 20 follicles over 10 mm this morning with almost 10 above 14 mm.

This would normally be a ticket to the retrieval, however my dr is being conservative. She wants to have us stimulate one more day before giving the go ahead for the retrieval. Last year, we had a good number of follicles but when they got to the eggs, there were quite a few that were immature. So between the new medicine protocol and such, she wants to push it one more day to help with their growth.

She is hoping that one more day of stimulating meds will help those that we have grow into more mature eggs for the retrieval. So we have another appointment tomorrow morning to see how they are developing.

That puts our retrieval tentatively scheduled for the trigger shot to be tomorrow and the retrieval to be on Sunday.

I am so ready for this to be done with because my ovaries are swollen and I am tired all the time. While I am not looking forward to the retrieval and the pain that will come with it, I am ready for this portion of the programming to be finished.

I am ready to be moving onto the next phase of the process at this point.

Day 8 of stimulating meds - ugh I feel like crap

Okay, I know I said I felt like crap 2 days ago.

Little did I know how much I could in fact feel like crap.

On Monday, the doctor recommended doubling Menopur (stimulating med) from the dose I had been taking due to the follicles growing well but wanting to step it up a notch. Ugh. That always makes me feel like a bloated balloon when we do that part. But, we did this before and I knew what to expect with it.

Then, in addition they added Cetrotide (yes, that makes 3 different shots I am currently giving myself in my poor, bruised abdomen everyday). This one according to WebMd is: Cetrotide® (cetrorelix acetate for injection) is indicated for the inhibition of premature LH surges in women undergoing controlled ovarian stimulation. So basically, we are trying to stop my body from going to into a surge too soon while the little (I mean big) follicles are finishing development. I have never taken this one before and I was not sure what to expect with it at all.

I don't know which one of these is responsible for this, but I feel awful. I am bloated all the time, beyond the regular bloating feeling that comes with your ovaries swelling from walnut size to tennis ball size. I am so glad there is only a few more days at the most of these shots because this sucks. My abdomen has bruises in different states of healing and giving the shots is starting to be almost painful because most of my abdomen is really sensitive due to the bruising.

The positive news is that my follicles are growing - and I mean GROWING!!! They are huge! I had one today that was 19 mm! They would like them to be around 14 mm at the time of the retrieval and I had tons (by tons I mean 17) that were above the 10 mm mark and I still had at least one more day (today, if not tomorrow too) of shots to go. They grow at approximately 1-2 mm a day. Some of these guys are going to be enormous by the day of the retrieval and I am hoping that means large follicle=good egg, but we shall see if that's true or not. I am hoping it is.

This is awesome and I am thrilled with the growth - not thrilled with the swelling and general crappy feeling that I am currently experiencing. However, they want me to come in tomorrow to see how they are doing and the nurse said that she wouldn't be surprised if I was getting the trigger shot in the next day or two. (Trigger shot = HCG which will prepare the follicles to be harvested in the retrieval process. It's a HUGE shot of the pregnancy hormone that helps those guys be ready to be taken out of me and fertilized.)

So we should be getting the news to do the trigger shot very very soon and then we can be onto the next part of this process.

Come on good news, we need you!

We are nearly 1/2 way there (I hope)

Well today is day 7 of meds and man do I feel like crud.

Yesterday, my doctor increased my one medication by double and it is the one that makes me swell more than any of the other ones. I am now on 3 different shots a day as well as 5 pills a day and I feel like a human pharmacy.  I feel as though I have a million medicines running through me all the time but I have no energy to do anything at all.

I feel puffy and none of my pants are fitting, I am wearing stretchy yoga pants in order to be comfortable. But really nothing is working.

We should be looking at this weekend or the very beginning of next week to do the retrieval of the follicles and honestly, it cannot come any faster.

My follicles are growing really well - we have 8 that are over 10 mm and we are looking to get to 14mm or better for the retrieval. It should only be a few more days to go because I all ready have a few follicles that are nearly at that size all ready and several more that are close to the size we want them to be.

What does all this mean???

It means that this different course of medicines is working well and my body is responding quickly and powerfully to it. That's a good thing even though it makes me feel pretty awful right now, it will be worth it in the end. Last year, we had 14 follicles that were collected at the retrieval and I suspect that we will have as many if not more this year.

I am just afraid that all of this will have been for nothing though, my fear is strong that this won't work and we will be right back to where we were before it all. I am afraid of having to do it all again because it was not successful.

I am scared to death right now.

I am trying very hard to not be as scared  because I want this to work almost desperately. It has been quite a long long struggle to this point and I want it to be done all ready. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster, the ups and downs, the strain it puts on me physically time and again. I am ready to be on the next part of the trip in whatever capacity that will be because this back and forth is so difficult to deal with.

Just a few more days to go - it will all be worth it in the end.

Day 4 of the IVF meds

Well here we are at day 4 of the IVF meds.

This round has been rougher than it was before. I know it is a different medicine regimen than we did last time - we are seeing different results all ready.

I woke up the second day noticing the swelling a bit more than I had expected. Now by day 4, it is puffy town for me. The doctor said that we would notice more effects quickly due to the more intense dose of medications.

I know it is working, but I really hate those shots everyday. It's a few minutes everyday that is not very fun at all - there is nothing about having to give yourself 2 different shots that is entertaining. It is not a comfortable process either, the one medicine stings after you inject it and the other one is a thicker needle so it hurts more when it is injected. I have a few days until we are going to introduce the 3rd shot to the mixture.

We will see how we are progressing when I go back to the doctor on Monday. I am hoping this is a faster process than last year - we did 11 days of stimulation before the big shot and then retrieval. The doctors said that this could be a quicker stimulation, so I am hoping things move quickly.

We shall see how it goes, I am curious for the update.

Life is a funny thing

My life is a funny funny thing.

We came home on Sunday after being in Chicago for 11 days - that trip was impossible and I couldn't be more relieved that I don't have to do it again.

I said my goodbyes to my mom and there are not words to sum up that feeling. There isn't even anything that comes close to compare it to in the world. Her visitation made me feel as though my heart had been ripped out. Knowing that I will not see her, or talk to her, or get another hug from her makes me wish for about some quality cuddle time with her where we talk about everything under the sun.

Now I am home and trying to figure out how to get on with my life.

Everything I do or say feels like it is not okay to be doing or is insulting her memory by doing it all.

I know there is not a right or wrong way to handle things - that no matter what I do it is the right thing to do. But somehow I can't shake the feeling of crossing the line into moving onto the rest of my life.

Now we have been given the clearance to start IVF and it's strange to start all this right now. However at the same time, it feels as though it is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. It feels as though the timing of it all is exactly the way it was supposed to work out and that my mom would be in favor of us starting it all right now.

I know she was one of our biggest supporters to having a family - I am very upset that she will not know my child and won't be there when I have questions in the future.

While I am excited for finally starting this that we have waited so long to begin, I can't help but be sad at the same time. When this works, she would be the first one I wanted to tell and now I don't know who that will be.

It's all too complicated and my brain is full with so many confusing thoughts.

I love you Mom and I miss you every minute.

My mom

My mom was my hero.

She was strong and stubborn, opinionated and smart, sweet and caring, loving and encouraging....most of all, she was my mom.

When my mom was pregnant with me she was stuck on hospital bed rest because of serious complications. She spent months in a hospital bed just to keep me safe.

At just a few months old, I contracted bacterial meningitis. This put me in the NICU for a very long time and I nearly died several times. My mom refused to leave my side unless family members forced her to go rest.

She worked multiple jobs to pay the bills with lots of support from my grandmother and uncles. She was a single mother of 4 but she didn't stop making herself better. She went to nursing school, paramedic school, as well as earning her Associate's degree all with children running around.

I am not sure any parent was louder at soccer or basketball games, swim meets, etc with her whistle between her teeth. No parent screamed louder and she would refuse to sit down when other parents wanted her to be quiet - there was no stopping her.

No one was prouder when I was selected out of hundreds of students in the county to travel to Australia when I was just 14. Or when I was inducted into National Honor Society in high school. She screamed for me at my undergraduate graduation, applauded/screamed at my induction into Phi Kappa Phi, and whistled at my Master's graduation.

She was one of my biggest cheerleaders always.

We would spend hours shopping or chatting, watching the same 4 movies time and again because we knew all the words.

Cutting each other as we talked because we just had to share a thought before it was gone.

Cuddling on her bed, wrapped her big comforter just talking for hours and giggling like fools.

We would argue at the other's "damn Irish stubbornness and temper."

She called me her "beautiful blue-eyed girl." Her "miracle baby." Her "teeny bean."

She was so excited when I started teaching, telling me to do what I loved because I loved it not to get rich. We shared a love of history and reading - she always encouraged me to read and travel.

I was blessed to spend 2 weeks in China with her. We toured and traveled. Tried gross food and drank warm soda but cold beer! We climbed the Great Wall together with her calling me every dirty name she could think of because it was so hot and hard to do. We cruised the Yellow River and explored the Forbidden City. We rode a train across China in a "luxury train car" that I could touch both walls a the same time. Learned that "tse tse" meant thank you and blond haired women were a sight to be seen by the Chinese. We climbed mountains and ate until we burst. We walked miles a day and laughed at our traveling companions.

When Aaron was going to propose, he had my mom take me out to try on rings for style preference. She loved how he said he would have final say because he knew me so well. She is the one who found my engagement and wedding set at the last of 7 stores we went to that day. She sent me away, wrote down the information, then gave it to Aaron. She told him it was perfect.

My mom loved Aaron - she said she knew I would always be loved in the way I deserved to be by him and that was a mother's joy.

--------------------------------------

I miss her all ready -

I cannot just pick up the phone to talk to her.

I cannot just hug her one more time - the hugs that only a mother can give that make everything feel okay for just those few moments.

I cannot laugh with her or cry with her.

She won't be leaving me a million comments because she loved hearing about all my friends and antics.

Most painfully, she won't meet my children. They will know her only through pictures and stories. They will know she loved them even without knowing them, she is now their guardian angel always.

-------------------------------------

I have to learn to live in this new world without her.

Tse tse mom for everything, I hope you knew how much I love you and will miss you.

I hope I made you proud because I was proud to be your daughter.

Stunned

I am in shock.

My mom passed away this morning.

Shock.

And the waiting continues...

We are still waiting, my damn period has not shown so we are again on hold.

I started the provera again to get a period so we can get started. I hate this medicine, it makes me retain water and get headaches. But it's a means to an end so it's worth it all. I am going to just deal with it all if it gets us to where want to be.

Right now, we are looking at about 10-15 days before being able to start all the stimulation meds.

Just frustrating after all this time.

I really hate insurance companies - this is insane

So while I am grateful for the insurance coverage of the fertility treatments (Illinois is one of only a handful of states that mandates insurance to cover the treatments - not necessarily at 100% or anything, but somewhat), the hoops we often have to jump through are quite time consuming and annoying.

When we went through the cycle last summer, we had insurance coverage through both my insurance and Aaron's insurance. So what one didn't cover, the other one did. Yes, there were the whole hoops to jump through, fill out this form, blah blah blah. But this is getting somewhat stupid with this different insurance that started in September, the amount of hoops I have had to jump through since we decided to start the second round has gotten ridiculous.


Things I have had to do with this company above and beyond other steps I have done with the insurance companies:

1. I had to do an intake phone interview where I relived all the steps we have done so far in this journey. It was over 20 minutes of going through everything (stupid part: they had my damn medical file from the specialist before this interview).

2. Additional copies of medical protocols from the doctors to be sent to the insurance company,

3. Additional blood tests looking for additional issues that could have contributed to the infertility above and beyond all the lengthy and in depth tests that the RE had us do when we were getting started with IVF.

4. Now they want other tests to be done as soon as I get my next period before we can get full approval of the IVF process.

5. Also once they got the treatment protocol from the doctor to approve the cycle, the insurance company does not like the particular drug regimen the doctor has recommended for us. They want a particular drug and are standing their ground on it.

6. I cannot use the local specialty pharmacy that we used last year to get the medicine (because of course we cannot just call in a script to the local regular pharmacy to get them). I have to use their pharmacy who will have to ship us the meds and I won't have them right away when we will need them for this treatment plan.


What does all this mean???

Major annoyance.

Since we are waiting for the next cycle, if it doesn't come on time that pushes us back further than we have waited so long to this point.

Since they want additional blood tests before they will approve it, the meds cannot be shipped the same day so I would have to pay for the medicine out of pocket to get it started but may not be able to be reimbursed by the insurance company.

OR

We can do the blood tests, get approved, but not start IVF until the next time I get my period (which will be hard to judge since I don't ovulate on any kind of regular basis at all).

After talking to the nurses and doctor at great length at the end of last week, we decided to go ahead and pay out of pocket for the few days of meds so we can go ahead and get started as soon as possible. It sucks and I hate it all, but waiting is not an option that we are comfortable with after waiting all this time.

Then, today I get another call from the doctor's office that this is yet another problem with the insurance and I have to call them tomorrow to see what the next obstacle this insurance company is placing in front of us.


It feels like this is never going to end and we are never going to get this next cycle started.

I am so frustrated and people just don't understand why it bothers us to wait any longer.

It's frustrating because we have waited so long, invested so much in this process, put many areas of our life on hold to focus on this journey and the idea of putting it on hold AGAIN is similar to a sharp knife to the gut. We put it all on hold in the fall due to other issues and doing it again is not something we are ready to do at this time.

Just give us the green light and let us get started so we don't ever have to do this again. This has to work this time, it just has to work this time.

End of school year

The school year is over and I am so relieved.

It was a difficult year for a few different reasons none of which can be discussed here. However, it was the hardest year of my teacher career and I am proud to still be here at the end of the year.

I did not get there without people supporting me and I am thanking them profusely because it is the very least I can do. My husband, my friends, my co-workers, and my family all stood by me and supported me even when things were incredibly bleak and I was not sure I was going to make it. I am eternally grateful for them in my life and all I can do is hope that things get better from here.

Now it's time to turn our attention to the process of IVF. That should be starting here pretty soon and I promise to keep updating everyone on the status of it all as it progresses.

The update right now is: all of our blood work came back good, which is awesome. Including our STD tests and my A1C test that checks out the insulin usage in my body which is one reason it is tough to lose/gain weight - with the weight loss I have worked really hard on for the last several months is amazing. My doctor is very happy with the progress with the weight loss because it will increase our chances to have a successful IVF cycle.

Sonohystography

This morning was my sonohystography with the specialist. They were checking out the lining of my uterus to check for cysts and fibroids. We had some issues with my uterus position to get the catheter in the right place, it was apparently tipped upward which meant getting the catheter in there was a bit more challenging. Apparently, this doesn't have anything to do with the potential of getting or sustaining a healthy pregnancy, it was just an issue for the procedure.

My doctor said the results were great, my uterus was in good shape - no cysts or fibroids, the lining responded to the saline solution and everything looks great.

We got blood work done to get it all up to date and now we are just waiting for the next period to start the new fertility drug routine we are going to do this cycle.

Back to the merry-go-round

Well this week starts the doctor's office merry-go-round again. I am not sure how to feel about it.

I am going in on Thursday to have an up close X-ray of the my uterus to check the lining for fibroids and cysts to make sure it's all set before the start of IVF at the beginning of June. The doctor recommended it, it's not mandatory but she wants to check everything out to make sure we have checked everything before we get started again. Ugh.

Here we go with the whole constant flow of doctor's calls, appointments, etc that is going to be the next month plus of my life. Here we go again.

NIAW Blogging Challenge - "Don't Ignore...Support"

As I think back on our journey up to this point, I think about all the people who have been with us through this journey and I am not sure I would be here without them.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and the theme is: "Don't Ignore"

I am choosing to write: "Don't Ignore...Support."

When we first started this process in 2009, we had no idea that it would be nearly 3 years later without being any further in the journey.

In the beginning, we were not sure who to tell and how much information to share with them. Aaron and I spent lots of time talking about what to share or not share. It was not easy to decide to be open about what we were going through because we knew it was going to be a process (me having been diagnosed several years earlier).

When we shared with our mothers, they were the first ones we told. We knew we were going to need their support and love because we had no idea what we were going to encounter.

After we talked to them, we told some of our good friends who we saw all the time. Our thought process was to have more people who were immediately available to talk to us if we needed to talk. Even though, they had no experienced infertility, we knew they would be there for us.

As we actually started "trying" and moved out of the "will we, won't we?" phase, I found I wasn't sure what to say to people about what we were going through. I felt lonely and isolated, found myself pulling away from people I cared about because I felt like a failure at the whole thing. I didn't know what to do and I felt I was sinking into a depression.  So many of our friends were not trying to have children and that we were on our own to figure it out.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Then, a friend gave me the suggestion of joining an online chat room for women who "trying to conceive" as a place to talk to other women who were in the same boat. This was my saving grace - I could talk about the things that were in my head that I thought would scare my friends and family. I was able to obsess over the learning of it all without feeling as though I was "talking too much" about it to people who had no idea what I was talking about. I learned so much in those first few months of being on those chat rooms. They gave recommendations for books to read and signs to look for in my body - I moved away from the depression and felt empowered for the first time in all the months (strike that, years) since I found out it was going to be more challenging for me to be a parent.

Those boards probably not only saved my sanity, but gave me strength to step out in a more public way to people in my life.

Once we decided to be public about what we were going through, we knew we were going to have to take the good with the bad.

The people telling us to "just relax" or giving all the suggestions under the sun to get pregnant. All the pregnancy myths, I have heard them more times than I care to think about. All said with love and the idea of support.

What surprised us the most was the amount of love, thoughts, prayers, well wishes, etc that came our way. It seemed as soon as we came out with what we were going through we were flooded with emails, comments, conversations, etc that were so supportive and loving.

Now, here we are nearly 3 years later and we have people all over country who are keeping us in their thoughts, checking our Facebook pages when we are having procedures, sharing their stories of experiences they have gone through.

It's AMAZING. 

I don't know where I would be without the support of the people in my life.

So this National Infertility Awareness Week, I am saying to the people out there who are living with infertility to seek out the people in your life you love to help you.

Don't keep it closed down inside of your brain.

Open yourself up to the numerous avenues available to you to get support. Online chat rooms, friends/family, support groups, counselors, etc are just the beginning of what is available.

When you go through all the options people living with infertility face - inseminations, IVF, surrogacy, adoption - you will need people there pulling for you because there will be days when you want to stop because it is so much to deal with at one time. There will be days when you feel terrible from the medications and you do not want to do it again. There will be times when the pain of the procedures leaves you unable to do the things you love. The day that you find out your dream has come true. The day you bring your little one home.

Those are the days you are going to need support.

Believe me, the hugs and kisses on those days are the best on the planet.

They make the journey, at least for me.


 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For more information about the infertility issues, please go to these websites:

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

NIAW: National Infertility Awareness Week Blogging Challenge - "Don't Ignore...Me"

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-April 28). 

Last year, I participated in their blogging challenge about busting infertility myths. One of the posts was about breaking the silence associated with infertility and the other was about how some people use religious beliefs to "comfort" infertile people.

I feel very strongly that people need to be educated about the troubles that face infertile people - I think this is something that needs more focus and attention. This is why I am participating in the blogging challenge again this year.

The theme this year is “Don’t Ignore…”

My part of this theme is "Don't Ignore...Me"

One part of the problems with infertility is the pity people give you when they find out that you are someone who is struggling to have a baby. I get the "sad eyes" from many strangers when they find out that I am living with infertility - those "oh so sorry, you poor thing" looks that make you want to scream. These come over and over again the more people have learned that this is an important component of my life. 

I don't need nor want your pity about being someone who is living with infertility - I am not ashamed or embarrassed about it and talk about it in a way to help educate other people to prevent the "sad eyes" from being directed at other people.

Another aspect is just being ignored completely by people when they find out that I am living with infertility. Now not ignored as in don't talk to me, but ignored as in being insensitive and not thinking about some of the things people say in conversation that are really hurtful toward people who are struggling to conceive. Many people don't even realize that they are being insensitive to me. They make comments "we weren't even trying," or "we only sex one time." Now while these in and of themselves are not insensitive comments, when you attach them to someone who has been trying for months or even years - it is approximately the equivalent of a knife to the gut. 

If you act as though those comments hurt your feelings, you get the impression people think you are being too sensitive to the subject. 

I have been through many aspects of the infertility process: from months of trying unsuccessfully on our own for months, to using fertility drugs such as Clomid or Femara, to have an HSG (ouch!!), completing 3 IUIs unsuccessfully, completed a failed IVF cycle with drugs such as Lupron, Follistem, Menopur, HCG, and Progesterone, including the egg retrieval (14 follicles collected), 2 embryos transferred, and no embryos surviving to freezing.

As we have moved through all of the process, several of our friends do not talk to us about it and as we have found out it is because they do not know what to say. 

It's ignoring by omission.

When they are not talking to us about what we are going through, they are ignoring our lives and ignoring our journey. It is not done to be mean or spiteful and we hold no ill will toward anyone who has done it (please those who read this - do not think we are saying that at all). We want people to know they can talk to us and ask questions about what we have gone through, it's not offensive or hurtful to talk about. Many people will preface a conversation by saying something like "is it okay to ask you about _____________?" to make sure they are not crossing a line. 

My experience with other people who are living with infertility is that they are more than happy to inform or help others to learn about the different aspects of infertility. 

It's okay to ask questions, it's okay to want to help in anyway you can. 

Please stop ignoring us - we are people who want to be parents and all the support you can give is much appreciated.

For more information about the infertility issues, please go to these websites:

• http://www.resolve.org/infertility101  (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
• http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html (About NIAW)

Sluggish

I forget often how tiring these meds are on me.

I am currently on Provera and it always makes me feel like crud - I get sleepy and have headaches. All because my stupid body won't produce the hormone to release an egg. No egg = no period. No period = no starting of IVF again. It's all connected in a process.

I also forget how this makes me retain water. Here I have worked so hard to lose over 35 pounds since we did IVF last summer - a feat that is incredibly difficult with the PCOS which makes it nearly impossible it seems to lose a pound, let alone over 35 pounds. All those pretty new pants I bought due to the weight loss since my old pants were falling off me without being undone....now are not fitting again. DAMN! Back to the heavy set clothes again - just my luck that I kept them and did not send them to Goodwill which was my original thought process.

No energy to do anything, just feel like all activities suck what little energy I do have right out of me.

A preview of the summertime.

At least then I don't have to get up and go to school everyday even though I feel badly as I do now. I can't imagine when I gain all the water weight and swell up to the point that moving is almost painful, trying to teach and do my job. Those days are terrible and make me hate the process even though it will hopefully have a good outcome.

Today would have been the perfect day to stay in my comfy pjs and do nothing. Maybe that is what I will do tomorrow - allow myself to just rest because it's pretty obvious that is what it needs right now.

I struggle with the idea of putting my body through all this again - I want to do it, I want to have a baby that is mine and Aaron's, but at the same time - all the pain of the IVF process is a little daunting to say the least. When we went through it last summer, I didn't know what to expect, didn't know what the pain was going to be, didn't know the experience as a whole - it was all a surprise and I just had to deal with it as it came. Now, it's different. I feel like I have to gear myself up for going through it all again, this time with the knowledge of what it is going to feel like and what my experience is going to be. I think it almost makes it harder to get ready for knowing exactly how it is going to feel.

I am not sure that makes sense to anyone else but me.

People are understanding and excited for us to start on this adventure again which is one of the major things that keeps me going through it all. I know that when we do have our little one (whenever that is) that people will be genuinely excited for us, especially after all the struggles we have gone through.

But they do not understand what this costs us - emotionally. The price is so high, it affects our relationship, it affects our friendships, it affects our families, and most of all, it affects us each individually.

We each deal with this in different ways. Aaron has a hard time talking about it with other people aside from me. He often doesn't even want to talk to me because he feels like it is adding an extra burden to what I am going through. He does not always like how open I am through this blog because he feels as though some of the information is not for other people. Looking back now, I probably should have used some kind of pseudonym for both of us so it wasn't quite so open to the world, but I am not changing it. He has learned to accept this. Me, I write in this blog and talk to people - even if they do not have much actual understanding of what I am going through, it gives me comfort that they just listen to what I am saying.

We will see how it all goes this time. I am working on being more optimistic with the process - yes, surprise, surprise I am not always a optimistic. I have to work through all the bad before I can come to grips with the positives. Not sure why, just always been that way.

Back to fertility hoop jumping again

Well here we go again. I am back on provera to kick start the body so we can get going again with the while IVF process. It's been a long journey and a tough one to say the least. We took a huge break from all of it after the failed cycle due to the devastation of it all. But it's time to start again and it's scary as hell. I know the pain I will endure, I know what the physical and emotional costs will be for me and somehow I have to voluntarily put myself through it all again. Ugh. Hoop #1 started...

A Parent Should Not Have to Bury Their Child

One of the major things in life that make me sick is the idea of a young person being buried by their parent. What a heart-wrenchingly sad and painful experience that I hope none of my friends and family have to experience.

Here was this beautiful young girl, full of spunk and spirit, full of stubbornness and laughter whose poor heart could not handle the stress that her body had gone through. Eventually, her heart couldn't keep up and just stopped. At 18 years old, she was just starting her life - beginning her adventure in the world. Anorexia and bulimia are difficult diseases under the best of circumstances and fighting for years and years wore down her body.

We went to the visitation today and I just wanted to pay my respect to the family. It never gets any easier no matter how much older I become.

I waited to speak to the mother at the visitation and it was painful. She said to me, "We never thanked you for all you did to help our daughter when you were her teacher so thank you for fighting so hard to help her succeed. Sam always loved you."

Hit me right to the gut with that comment. Here I have been dealing with all my own personal issues and this mother on one of her worst days pays me a compliment - that is remarkable and painful all at once.

I hope she finds the peace she longed for in her life and heaven became a little brighter with the laughter of this beautiful girl who never saw herself that way. RIP Samantha, it was my honor to be your teacher.

Sadness for a former student tonight

I found out that a former student I worked with everyday while she was getting treatment for anorexia and bulimia passed away yesterday. Her poor body was so tired and her heart just stopped unexpectedly. She was sweet and kind, just struggling with a terrible illness for so long and her body couldn't keep going anymore. My heart breaks for her family because they fought so hard with her. Her mother found her on the floor lifeless and I am sure this will haunt her forever.

RIP sweet Samantha - you will be missed greatly.

Frustrated

What do you do when our best isn't good enough???

5 years later

The very strange anniversary this weekend is that 5 years ago I told my ex-husband I was leaving him because I knew I deserved better after living the way we were for so long.

We were together for 6 years, married for 3 years and living together for 4 years of our relationship. Things didn't always seem to be bad, in fact we were quite happy for about 5 years of the relationship before things really started to fall apart. We started growing apart and the stresses of the infertility and being a one income family really pulled us apart. Take all of that with that you become a different person when you are 26 than when you are 20.

I think back to the time when I was making the choice to leave or not, I struggled with it for a long time before I decided to talk to him. I was not sure when I told him how rough the whole process was going to be on me through it all. It's amazing to think about all I went through to get through it all. It was the most difficult conversation I have had with someone probably ever in my life. I wish I could say that it was the last conversation we had together that was hard and uncomfortable but it wasn't.

It's strange how fast the time has gone.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #30 "Highs and lows of the month"

The highs of the month:

1. Spending some serious time with my favorite people - you all know who you are and I would not have survived this month without you in any capacity. You are all amazing and you make me a better person, a better wife, a better friend, and a better altogether human being. I love you more than words can say and you are the light in my life that keeps me going through my dark times. I look forward to all the fun we will have in the upcoming months/years.

2. Realizing that I enjoy this outlet - this challenge reminded me again about how I enjoy putting my thoughts and ideas out there - mostly so they are not in my head anymore. The more I have done this, the more I have realized I keep in too many things. My newer friends lately that I wrote about a few posts ago have helped me to realize how much I keep to myself. This has been the place this month for me to deal with some of the feelings as well as allowing me to have a topic when I need to be able to sit down and write.


The lows of the month:

1. Things I cannot write about here because it is not the place for the kind of outlet. I realize that I have written things here that are open and honest, but not all honesty is appropriate for all places and locations.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #29: "My goal for the next 30 days"

It is simple as hell for me...survive the month and make it to spring break.

I just want it to be spring break so I can take an extended break to get my head on straight to get to the summertime.

Right now, I am working on my planning a vacation with my friends for Memorial Day weekend - it is my focus right now.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #28: "Something I miss"

Something I miss terribly is being so close to my friends like I was in college. It was great to be able to walk to see my friends any time I wanted to - that we could hang out all the time even if only for a minute at a time.

Growing up sucks - I want to be able to see my friends all the time. I would love to be able to see all the people I care about within just a few minutes.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #27: "A problem I have had"

A problem I have had lately is figuring out how to do what I love in a way that makes me proud again. I want to be proud of myself and how I live my life and I am working on figuring this out in order to do that again.

It's a journey and it sucks most of the time.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #26: "The kind of person who attracts me"

This is very interesting because I was just having this conversation with my friend today.

I think there are different levels of attraction - there is of course the most obvious which is a sexual attraction, but there is also an attraction as a friendship. While I think these two things are separate there are some overlaps to appeal for me.

Romantic/sexual attraction for me is simple - I like dark hair (I have dated lighter hair, but most of my track record seems to lean the darker hair side), a good smile, smart eyes (color not so important), height is not so important (Aaron and I look eye-to-eye with each other but I have dated men as tall as 6-5), build not so important as long as there is some level of fitness involved so I know he is willing to take care of himself for the long haul. I love a guy who makes me laugh as well as think about things on a deeper level. I love a guy who challenges me when I need to be put in my place, but will still love me when I am at my most vulnerable. I love a guy who will tell me to shut up when I need to hear it but is quick to say I love you more than anything when I need to hear it as well. I love a guy who respects that I have LOTS of opinions and doesn't try to make me change mine to better suit his, he just accepts me as an opinionated person who is stubborn as hell and who is loyal often to a fault.

Friendship attraction for me is often the more complicated of the two. 

For me, I want friends of all shapes and colors. But their personality is what really attracts me to them. I want friends who want to laugh and joke, but know when to be serious. I want friends who tell the truth even if it hurts me to hear it because they know I value that over anything else. I want friends who are grown up enough to say that the childish crap that tends to happen is best left in middle school where it belongs. I am a friend who likes to cuddle with my friends (male and female) because I like to let them know they are important to me through physical contact. I like a friend who allows me to do things for them without expecting things in return just because I want them to know I am thinking of them. I want a friend who wants to be there for me when the shit gets hard, but is willing to do small things with me because they are just as important.

I do not let people into this inner place of my thoughts because I am scared of them seeing me that kind of vulnerable. I only have a small numbers of friends who are inside in this vulnerable place and the newcomers to this somehow managed to do it quicker than I could have ever predicted (you know who you are and you scare the hell out of me for reference). Most of my really good friends took years and much turmoil to become this close to me and I do not understand how they have managed to get there so quickly. It scares me - I have been told my whole life how closed off I am - but these 2 people I am referring to managed to do it quickly. Maybe it's a sign of growing up and maturing that I am being more open to more people at a faster rate, but it still scares the hell out of me on a constant basis.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #25 "Someone who fascinates you and why?"

Someone I am fascinated by are people who are willing to give up their children for adoption - the amount of strength it must take to know that you are doing the right thing, despite the fact this child will now be part of someone else's family is a person I would love to have a sit down conversation with to talk to about it all. I am 1000% in favor of adoption (whether giving or receiving), but I have not ever had a conversation with someone who has made the tough choice to put their child up for adoption. I can only imagine the struggle they must have gone through to make such a tough choice. I am grateful though that there are people who do it to give people like me a chance to be a parent when our own bodies will not allow it to be so.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #24: "My favorite movie"

My favorite movie is:

I love it and it always makes me so happy even when I am super sad. I have loved it since it came out originally and it just makes me happy.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #23: "5 men I find attractive"

My free 5 or top 5 (if you are a Friends watcher you know exactly what I am talking about!"

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #22: "How have I changed in the past 2 years?"

I feel as though I have changed quite a bit in the last 2 years - it is not all positive changes in my life.


1. I have let go of some people that were not positive in my life and for my life. I removed friends and others have just been pushed to the outside edge of my interactions with them because they cannot be able to support me and where I am going in my life.

2. I have done more deep soul searching about who and what I am in my all aspects of my life. The difficult times I have faced due to infertility and other areas have forced me to see how it all plays together into the bigger picture of who I am as a person. It has been quite a difficult journey and many tears have been shed over this journey - a journey that is still working it's way through.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #21: "One of my favorite shows"

One of my favorite shows is Criminal Minds. I love this show, this is the most amazing show in terms of everything I enjoy.

It is about learning why people do the things they do and what causes them to turn their behavior to the bad side of life. I enjoy watching the people on the show work through all the twists and turns of stories to figure out who did the terrible acts and why they did it.

I have always enjoyed learning about different people and why they do the things they do, so this show is directly related to that desire.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #20: "Beliefs on education"

As someone who is currently pursuing her 2nd Master's degree, I feel that education is essential to my life and hold its value very high. I will always be a life-long learner because I do not ever want to stop learning.

I think that learning new things is the best part of growing up.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #19: "Disrespecting your parents"

Positively out of control right now with many in society.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #18: "My Beliefs"

My beliefs are strong and they are plainly posted on here for all to read. I don't think that I can be any more honest than I have been for all the time I have been posting.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #17 "Highs and Lows of the last year"

Oh where to begin????

Highs -

1. My friends/family/co-workers who are my true strength - I am so grateful everyday for the people in my life, I can honestly say that without them, I would have been lost a long time ago. I do not take them for granted and appreciate them so much.

2. The relationship that has deepened between me and Aaron. Everyday we struggle so much sometimes, but instead of letting it get between us - we use it as fuel to make our relationship stronger. All of these things could have been the end of a relationship under the best of circumstances, any one of them let alone all of the things put together. He is the best person I know and I love him tremendously.

3. The closeness of my friends who have listened to everything we have gone through without getting frustrated at hearing the same issues time and time again. To my new friends that I am learning about, you are just as important to me as the people I have known for decades.


Lows -

Without question, the lowest points in the year were the failed inseminations and the failed IVF we went through in 2011. It was the most painful and personal thing I have ever been through and yet we are here now without the dream. It is a constant struggle for us to find a way to be positive as we move further and further into the journey to being parents. We are not closer than we were in November of 2009 when we started on our journey - yes that's a long time and we are acutely aware of it. I wouldn't wish this journey on my worst enemy (which apparently I have and that's been a whole separate low of the last year for me) because it tests every part of who you think you are and makes you change your perception of what you believe you can endure. I know I am strong, but I often wonder if I will hit a point where I simply cannot continue on any further. I am scared of that point and I have become completely and totally aware of where that point is in my life.

Valentine's Day

I love my husband...that is all.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #16 "My view on mainstream music"

Mainstream music? What defines that? Is it everything that everyone else is listening to right now? It is what the music industry says it is the most popular thing or the #1 hit at the time?

People I do not understand:

1. Nicky Minaj - no explanation on this girl's crazy antics aside from she thinks she is Ke$ha or Lady Gaga only not as edgy or cool. And her music isn't that good...if you are going to be edgy or cool, at least back it up with good music.
2. Ke$ha - she just gets on my every nerve for no reason.

People I love:

1. Maroon 5 - Love me some Adam Levine, he can be quite a jerk personally - but musically, I adore him (and let's just face, he is gorgeous to look at!)
2. Glee cast - they are single-handedly bringing back songs and mixing them with interesting and contemporary songs.
3. Tim/Faith/Brad/Blake - love some country music superstars who just produce great stuff year after year. LOVE!!!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 15: "Favorite tumblrs"

I do not follow any tumblrs. I have nothing to report with this one today

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #14: "Earliest Memory"

My earliest memory is living in an apartment in Chicago with my sister, 2 brothers, and my mom. I was very sick sitting on the couch in ball but everyone was there to celebrate my birthday. I cannot remember which birthday it was just that I was very sick.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day #13 " Somewhere you like to move or visit"

This is an easy choice for me.

I would love to move to St. Maarten - where Aaron and I went on our honeymoon. It was one of the most amazing places I have ever visited. I have traveled quite a lot in my life, but this place felt different and more relaxed.

We just talked about the idea of if we won the lottery that we would buy a home there and live there most of the year. Sounds amazing to me.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 12: "Bullet your day"

My day:

• Woke up at 6:20 am
• Chatted with a friend who is having incredible difficulties right now
• Took a shower
• Put lotion on my tattoo that is now nearly healed :-)
• Stopped for coffee and bought a lottery ticket ($325 million in Powerball - can't hurt!)
• Drove to work
• Ate my breakfast at my desk
• Met with my department for a short meeting
• Finished paperwork for a meeting today
• Worked with a coworker on some technology questions I had
• Printed all the paperwork for the meeting with a parent
• Watched a video with my students on Native Americans and African Americans in the new frontier
• Taught US History class
• Had a meeting with a parent
• Worked with my students on spelling
• Worked with my students on reading instruction
• Chatted with my coworker after school
• Drove home with much work to be done this weekend
• Hung out with my husband for a few while decompressing from the day
• Worked on and completed my paper that is due for tomorrow
• Ordered Chinese food
• Graded all my students work
• Entered all the grades into the online grade program
• Read a chapter for my graduate class
• Outlined the chapter
• Outlined my paper that is due on Monday night
• Watched 10 episodes of "Friends" while working on school work
• Enjoyed a tasty beer while reading/outlining the chapter

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 11 "First 10 songs that come on my iPod"

I am an eclectic musical person. The following showcase that

1. Adele "Rumor Has It"
2. Tim McGraw "Just to see you smile"
3. Cast of Rent "La vie Boheme"
4. Sugarland "Down in Mississppi"
5. Glee Cast "Don't Stop Believin'"
6. Local H "Toxic"
7. Maroon 5 "Ain't Gonna Leave This Bed"
8. Bare Naked Ladies "Call and Answer"
9. Dixie Chicks "Cold Day in July"
10. Kelly Clarkson "My Life Would Suck Without You"

That's hilarious!!!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 10: "My first love and first kiss"

My first kiss was in kindergarten. The boy kissed me on my lips and then I promptly slapped his face! Haha! We both got in trouble for it for different reasons.

My first love was in high school. We met when I did statistics for the wrestling team and he was a wrestler on the team. We dated for nearly 2 years until I was about to graduate from high school. He was a good guy just we were young and of course he made mistakes. He cheated on me with other people and broke up with me at senior prom - but when I look back now, we were so young and not knowledgeable about many things. What we had when we had it was great and I wouldn't change a second of it, but it was a tough learning lesson at the time.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 9 "How you would like your future toe be"

My future? It is an interesting question.

I am not sure what I feel our future in terms of my dreams. I know there are things we want to do, but I am not sure how we are going to get there. Our whole world just changed today with the changes to Aaron's job that came about today.

I do not feel that this unknown is necessarily a bad thing at all - it's kind of exciting to not know exactly what we are going to be doing for our future. It is a time where we get to make changes for the better in our relationship and in our lives.

I do know that Aaron and I will continue to grow as a couple together as we experience our way through all these new challenges we are going to continue to experience in the next several months of our lives.

For the second time in my life, we are walking into an unknown situation and it's an interesting thing for us. We will see where we can go from here!

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 8: "The moment when you felt the most satisfied with your life"

The moment I felt the most satisfied with my life was when I received my Master's degree in May 2008. I had worked really hard with it through getting a divorce and the chaos of my life. My whole family was in attendance for me to receive this degree and it was one of the most proud moments of my life. I had always wanted to get my Master's degree and it was one of the goals that I had not yet accomplished in my life.

Throughout my life there were certain goals I set for myself: 1 - to gain my bachelor's degree in education (completed that in 2002) 2 - get married (was accomplished by this time, but the marriage ended in 2007) 3 - to gain my Master's degree.

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 7: "My zodiac sign and how it relates to me"

My sign is Scorpio:

"People born with the sun in Scorpio are very determined, reserved, tenacious and secretive. They are firm and somewhat proud, and capable of unmistakable traits of character that cause them to be either very much liked or very much disliked. Their somewhat suspicious nature causes them to be distrustful, but amidst all their apparent evil traits of character, they have that grit and backbone which enables them to make higher attainments than those born in the other signs ; For the "wisdom of the Serpent" lies concealed in this sign, and they become so discreet, wise and prudent as to display extraordinary genius. It has been said "the greater the animal the greater the man," and it may be that in the animal passions there lie the germs of the spiritual force, which, when sent upwards, may achieve great and mighty things. That which seemed latent will and desire in the sign Taurus becomes, in this sign, expressed energy. The Scorpio desires are potent and charged with the power to attain the object of their desires; but when their desires are subservient to the will, there are none more powerful or determined. In conclusion, it may be said that the Scorpio individuals that have reached the point that they decide their own future, progress."

I think there are many aspects of this that are true.

I have been told that I am determined and tenacious. I set my mind to things and do everything in my power to make it happen. I tackle obstacles and make it happen. I stick my heels in the ground and do not give up until I have what I want. Is this always a good thing? Hell no. Has it been the cost of a few important relationships in my life? Absolutely. Would I change any part of it? Hell no.

I am reserved - I have been told time and time again that I do not let people inside to the private part of me. It is more than just what I write here, to my inner-most thoughts that really just scare the hell out of me. It is about the way I protect certain parts of my life from others because I do not want them to be in it until I am ready for it. It is about the stupid metaphorical walls I am told I put up on certain subjects to which some have never come down and I am not sure they ever will. I have always heard about these walls and I get tired of hearing about how they will always be there, well that's the way I am.

As my tag line on my blog - "Take me as I am, who I was meant to be. And if you give a damn, then take me baby or leave me."

30 Day Blogging Challenge - Day 6: "30 Interesting Facts About Me"

30 interesting fact about me is very similar to a previous post I did when I hit 100 posts on this blog, but I will update to 30 different interesting facts about me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

1. I am an incredibly sensitive person - I get my feelings hurt easily, have a difficult time forgiving those who have hurt me, and the things they say tend to stay with me for an incredibly long time.

2. I love to read true crime books, cheap and easy romance novels, and historical fiction novels.

3. I have an incredible tolerance for alcohol (as I have previously stated in another post), it drives most of my friends crazy that I can drink more than them and not still manage to alert and attentive the next morning.

4. I love breakfast food, just usually not for breakfast. My favorite is French toast with powdered sugar.

5. If I had to give up my Dr. Pepper on a permanent basis, I might get hostile. Even when I am hopefully pregnant, I can still have some just not everyday and all the time.

6. I LOVE the TV show "Friends," "Sex and the City," "Criminal Minds," "That 70's Show," "CSI: NY," "Grey's Anatomy," and have all their seasons on DVD. Yes, I do watch them and can quote most of them nearly every word for word.

7. I love my job, but it is stressful and sometimes, I wonder if I am doing the best I can for both my students and my co-workers. I devote lots of time to both of those areas and worry constantly that they think badly of me.

8. I have wanted to be a mother my whole life - I never knew that it was going to be such a struggle for me to have my dream, but I work on keeping up hope. It is difficult to keep the faith month after month, but I am working on it.

9. I love to cook - it makes me happy and calm. I love to play with tastes and textures of food. Aaron says I am quite the good cook to the point he trusts me to make anything without questions. When I was in a bad place not so long ago, I didn't want to cook at all and it made me sad as hell.

10. I am incredible procrastinator. I will wait until the last possible second to do something because I work better under pressure. I enjoy having a deadline to keep my decision-making to a minimum, I have less time to make choices and mull over the options until I am blue in the face and I appreciate that.

11. I am a football-loving girl - just am. I will scream at the television, call the call on TV before it happens, spend hours talking with my husband about useless statistics and tidbits of information, spending my Thursdays, Sundays, and Mondays watching the game. Everyone can think what they want about it, it is some of the best times in my life sitting on the couch with my husband watching football. I love it. Our family even knows not to call on Sundays unless it is an emergency.

12. I hate math. HATE. HATE. HATE. I was good at math in school, I just despised it completely and it was really the only class I ever had to put forth large amounts of effort to do well in.

13. I am fully aware of my IQ is, which sounds simple and that many people would know that. However, the truth is that most people do not know it. My IQ is 120 (the average range is 85-115). I do not feel as though it makes me a better person than anyone else, it's just interesting to know.

14. Purple is my favorite color. I have loved it since I was a child and now I have it permanently tattooed on my right foot.

15. Speaking of my tattoo - it is a permanent reminder of what I think about the people in my life. It is an infinity symbol with the word love in it. Aaron says it is completely appropriate because once I love people, I love them forever. I love looking at it and thinking of those in my life who are the most important to me.

16. I am terrible at balancing my checkbook. Hate it, believe it goes directly back to my hatred of math.

17. I am fantastic at wrapping presents, always have been. I used to wrap the family presents as a child and now I do it for our Christmas presents. I find it to be relaxing and I enjoy making things pretty.

18. Some of the most important people in my life may not have any idea exactly how I feel about them specifically and I need to work more on letting them know exactly why I love them the way I do.

19. I hate cleaning our house. I hate it. I would rather do anything else EVER.

20. Laundry is my least favorite chore to get done and I prefer to just forget it all together and buy new clothes rather than wash the ones I own.

21. Color pens make me happy. I write in different colors all the time just because I feel it is fun.

22. My favorite animal is a Cocker Spaniel and I cannot wait to have one of my own again.

23. I have had terrible luck with cars. I have been the not so proud of owner of 6 cars in my life. 4 of them were withing a year and half span of time.

24. Wonder from time to time how my life would have been different if I had not made the choices I have made. Particularly when I was in college.

25. I love to change the color of my hair to anything and everything. I get bored and cut it, color it, layer it, or just let it grow out. It's just hair and it will grow back eventually.

26. I love to play on the computers but tend to gravitate to the same topics time and again.

27. I am still friends with people from when I was young and although we may live far away from each other - I could call them up today and know it was the same as it was the last time we talked without questions.

28. My favorite movie ever is Princess Bride and that won't ever change. It is the movie I watch when I am sad and in need of getting calmer.

29. I am often angry at the amount of people who get to have children without ever struggling for even a month and wanting it so badly that you feel like your heart will explode while waiting to find out if this is your month. I do not want people to suffer, but I feel as though it would make them more understanding to my situation.

30. I love my husband more everyday and I am so proud that he chose me to be his wife and future mother of his children. It brings me to tears almost every time I think about it and no one will ever understand until it happens to you.