Friday, July 30, 2010

Summer? There was a summer in there?? Where?

I go back to school in about 2 weeks and I am really uncertain where the summer went to so quickly.

I spent quite a bit of the summer working on our house during the day to help make it home. We have pictures hanging on the walls and things feel like home. Unfortunately, I have managed to hurt myself because I wanted it all done so quickly that I over did it by myself. I painted our 2nd bathroom in one day, climbed up on the bathtub to paint into the corners above the shower and by spending hours with my arm above my head, pulled a muscle on my side.

I have also spent lots of time with my friend Michelle and her new baby Mason. He is just the cutest little guy and I am so happy for them. They tried for a very long time to get him and I am so happy for them! He looks just like his daddy born with a full head of blond hair and the longest eyelashes! So cute.

We keep on going with TTC. The Clomid is rough some times. It causes me to be moody and have headaches, not to mention hot flashes all the time! Hot flashes when it's 100 degrees outside must be what it feels like on the inner circle of hell...I can't even imagine what this will be like when I am going through menopause! ICK. My body seems to be responding to it and I am actually ovulating and almost seem to be regular on it, I can count it like clockwork - 31 days from cycle to cycle. However, this means that we are not having success in getting pregnant. We are running out of time on Clomid - this is the 4th month on it and we can only do a maximum of 6...timeline is winding down and we are no closer than we were in April. It's hard to not get so frustrated. My blood work is coming back well, my body is responding to it, but even then we only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.

I am seeing how it's affecting Aaron more and more, he has been trying to be my rock for me all this time but I wonder who is he venting to in order to let out the frustration? He doesn't want to do it to me because he doesn't want to add any pressure to what I am going through, but he needs to release it somewhere. I worry that it's just building up and building inside him.

The great thing for me is that I have people who I can vent to do about what I am going through and they will just listen to me. There is no judgment to what we are going through, just support and love. The excitement everyone is going to feel when we have a positive test is going to be amazing.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Family dynamics??

We went to Aaron's family reunion last weekend. They get together every year with the extended family to just be a family. This is completely foreign to me. My family is spread around the country to say the least and getting all of us in the same place is nearly impossible to do.

When I look at his family, I have to admit there is a level of jealousy attached to it. They are so close and always spend holidays with each other and see each other. My family hasn't done that in several years. We are close in some ways - we love each other and would be there if anything was happening. But they just seem so much closer.

I want to have a close family for our children. I think it's important for them to know we are always the soft place to fall without judgment. We are here for them and want them to do whatever they want to do as long as they are happy. I know Aaron and I will be good parents, we want this so much and that child will be so loved.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

College - Fun times and Alcohol! Translation = stupid relationship choices

I had decided long before high school that I wanted to be a teacher and wanted to go to away to college to have the full experience at school. When I received my acceptance letter to my first choice college in fall semester of senior year, I was done looking at where to go.

I loved college! I joined a sorority barely a month into freshmen year and met some of the greatest girls in the world. I had to work part-time on and off-campus to have spending money or pay the bills. As the years went on, I had to include working in local classrooms into my schedule to get experience in the classroom for being a teacher. Again, I loved being busy. I was friends with many guys in a fraternity on campus and really enjoyed spending time with the guys; it was like having a group of brothers looking out for me all the time.

Unfortunately, as many people in college do, I made mistakes in dating people.


R.H.

I had a relationship that was abusive - emotionally. I stayed in it too long and it nearly turned violent.

He was 4 1/2 years older than me, I thought he was good looking, smart, and a nice guy. It was great at first to have someone pay so much attention to me, I didn't realize at first how bad it was going to become. He made me his entire world, everything revolved around us being together, he wanted a commitment from me almost immediately of the two of us being together forever. He bought me a commitment ring that he always checked to see if I was wearing.

He had a hard time with the fact that I was not in our hometown for college and he couldn't be around me all the time. He would call multiple times a day and if I had talked to other guys even for class related things, he would freak out. "Listen little girl, you don't need to be socializing with those other men. They are only looking to get you in bed and since you are with me, you don't need to hang out with them." When you are 18, it's exciting to have someone dote on you have a level of jealousy that he might lose you...but then it got to be I had to check in with him or he would call me and yell at me.

After just over a year, I became pregnant. I all ready knew that point that I was going to leave him because the idea of being tied to him for the rest of my life was an unbearable thought. He took no responsibility in the situation, he made me tell his parents - I was so scared. The pregnancy came to an end after a few months due in part because of an infection I had and I saw this as my way to escape away from him because I was now convinced that the relationship was going badly.

I finally told him I couldn't be with him anymore. He FREAKED out!! He screamed, swore, threatened to kill himself, he even called my mom and told her she needed to talk some sense into her daughter (Really? He thought she was going to side with him...she HATED him!). When my semester ended and I came home, I had to face him. He yelled in my face, blocked me up against the wall until his parents came in the room pulled him away.

He even went so far as to try to push past my mother into our house when he went over to talk to me (for the 300th time) because he didn't believe that I wasn't actually at home. He would follow me when I would go out with my friends (I stopped driving my car and always had them pick me up). He would show up where we were, we even went so far as to have random guys come over by us because we didn't want to worry about being by ourselves!

What I have learned since leaving this relationship is I am a strong person, who removed myself from a rough situation. All of the actions afterward tell me that I made the right choice because I know it would have become a physically violent relationship.


R.M.

Hello rebound relationship.

I didn't know it at the time, but he was my rebound from the abusive relationship. He was kind of a bad boy: drove fast sports cars, smoked cigarettes, had tattoos, and seemed so different than the other guys I had know.

We had fun driving in his cars and the sex was great...but real relationship potential???? Nope. I wanted there to be more than there was, but when I returned to school, he cheated on me. He said he wanted sex so he just did it with someone. I don't think he had any way of knowing that I was over the relationship at that point and was really looking forward to some alone time after being in a relationships for the better part of 4 years.


M.S.

Of the fraternity guys I knew, there was one that was different. I thought he was funny, good looking, smart, and was all ready friends with many of my sorority sisters. We started to spend time together just friendly toward each other, he had just gotten out of a relationship and was looking for someone to go with to his fraternity formal to just have a good time with, so I agreed. We spent time together quite a bit then one night the week before his formal, he kissed me.

From that point forward, we were inseparable and for the next several years he was the one person I wanted to talk to everyday.

However, it was not for us to stay together. I wonder now if we were every truly in love...or if we just thought we were supposed to be. We got married in 2004 and were divorced in 2007. It's amazing what changes you go through from 20 to 26, and I think we fell victim to those changes. Before we knew it, the marriage was over and we just kept going thinking it was going to get better. It never did and I chose to leave because I knew there was more out there for me.

Friday, July 2, 2010

High School - The Best Years of Your Life??? Only in the movies

High school was easy for me academically, I didn’t do much studying but still managed to get good grades. I was very involved in clubs and enjoyed being busy.

I was fortunate enough to be part of the People to People organization which is a branch of the Peace Corps where students are nominated to travel to different countries of the world to learn about the culture. I was nominated and chosen as one of 31 students from my entire county to be able to spend 3 weeks in Australia and New Zealand. Talk about a once in a lifetime opportunity!! It was amazing, I was only 14 years old and was traveling with people who were at the end of their high school lives, so I only talked to a few people in my group. I wouldn't have traded being able to snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef and eating dinner in a Maori temple for anything. I saw some of the most amazing things and I was learning to be on my own.

I had a steady boyfriend for half of junior year and nearly all of senior year. Young love at it’s finest – he was a wrestler and a year younger than me, but I didn’t care. He was gorgeous and he wanted me...for a girl who wore big ole glasses to have a guy like him pay attention to you is amazing. It makes you feel as though you are the most important person in the world.

Being you and na├»ve allows you to think things are different than they are in reality. He was the first person I slept with and we were so careful about not getting pregnant, but with irregular cycles my whole life it was impossible to be 100% careful. I used to worry after every time we slept together that I was going to turn up pregnant, it was borderline paranoia. Little did I know that it didn’t really matter in the long run.

I ignored the signs that he was really a bad boyfriend for me for a long time - he was immature and didn't take nearly anything seriously. His mother HATED me because since I was older than him she thought I should have been the voice of reason...really at 16??? I don't think so! Who has rational and logical thoughts at 16??

The worst part about high school was insecurity...dear me, was I insecure!!! I felt all the time as though he was going to leave me but I think I hide it from him most of the time (little did I know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see and probably didn't hide it as well as I thought I did!). However, he was so immature and when girls really started paying attention to him, his hormones took over. Let's be clear, I didn't know until after we broke up (the 2nd time) just how many people he had cheated on me with...a few during the first round and a few during the second round of dating.

Being cheated on changes you, it's as though someone takes out all of your most intimate thoughts and lays them out for the whole world. EVERYONE knew what was happening and didn't tell me. It really took me a long time to deal with the long-lasting effects of being cheated on. Honestly, I think I am still dealing with it today because it changed me to make me question people when I don't like the way I am being treated - something I never would have done before.

My friends got me through all of this - thank goodness for them. I am still friends with several of them today. I do think it's true that some of the best friends you make happens when you are younger.

If you are lucky enough to still be friends with them into adulthood - hold onto those people, they saw you when you were the biggest idiot of any point in your life!

Introduction

My name is Christine and I am 29 years old. I live in the Midwest, teach high school special education, and am happily married to a man I nearly didn’t have a chance to meet if it wasn’t for my ex-husband. More on that later – believe me, it’s as complicated as it sounds!

I grew up in Illinois, north of Chicago and just south of the Illinois/Wisconsin border. I came from a single mother home and was the youngest of her 4 children. My older siblings varied in ages from 8 years older, 6 years older, and just over a year older than me. We moved around in the town I grew up in living in 4 different houses over 15+ years I lived there. One of the only things I wanted when I was younger was to have a home of my own with a happy relationship and to have children. I wanted to have a place where my children could always call home, since I had so many homes in my life.

It was a typical Midwestern town I grew up in, still a smaller suburb at the time. My mom was a volunteer firefighter so all the police and firefighters knew me by name and face. Yes, this limited the amount of teenage trouble I got in, but in many ways offered me quite a bit of comfort. I always knew there were people to help in case I needed it and that was helpful.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

My story

I have decided that I need to tell my personal story - not for anyone in particular to read, but because I think it will be therapeutic for me.

They are going to be done in stages and I will edit them as I go until I feel as though they are what I want to say.

I appreciate feedback, but please if you are going to be critical - don't bother...it's very personal stuff and I don't need someone else telling me that my choices/decisions are wrong. Circumstances are 99% of decisions - I had to make the choices I did because it was what I thought was the best for me.