Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Motherhood is really emotionally hard sometimes

Things no one tells you when you have a child - sometimes, you feel like a huge failure as a mother, a wife, and a person.

Lately, I have been really struggling with all of these feelings of failure.

When I feel like I am making progress at not sucking at being a bad mom, we have nights like tonight where my daughter does not even concern herself with me. She did not want to play with me, did not want me to sit and watch her "Momo," (Elmo in little bug language). All she wanted was Aaron, she kept coming to get him by the hand to pull him into her room to play, etc with her. When I tried, she threw a fit and pushed me away. (Insert toddler-sized knife right to the heart here). After over an hour of trying, I stopped trying to do it because it was breaking my heart.

This has not been the first time this has happened. More often than not, she's a huge daddy's girl and I love how much they love each other. I am so thrilled and excited that my wonderful husband is also a wonderful daddy to this beautiful girl, she deserves all the love in the world. I just wish there was more of a place for me to get some of the attention from her aside from her saying, "No, mommy."

Logically, I know she is 21 months old and is still working on figuring it all out, this is not intentional and not something she is consciously doing it. She is being a finnicky toddler who is just moving along with things from day to day.

Illogically, it hurts like hell. It makes me feel worthless and pathetic. I went through hell and back to have her through all the IVF treatments, the blood clots in my uterus in my first trimester, the gestational diabetes, the sciatica pain. She was worth all of that, but when I feel like I do now it hurts so badly.

I wish there was an easier way to process these feelings so that I wasn't sitting here, typing with tears in my eyes, trying not to feel like I am a terrible person in all areas of my life.

This sucks :-(