Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Short Update

We had an AMAZING time in Vegas. I will post more information and some pictures as soon as we get somewhat settled from the trip - you know, unpacking, etc.

I had to come into school to return my school laptop, so I decided to get some work done in my classroom in case we are able to be successful with IVF and then I shouldn't be moving stuff. It's not too bad right now, it's quiet and I can get work done.

I hope everyone had an amazing 3 day weekend!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Last Day of School

Today is the last official day of school.

It is an awesome day in terms of being done with all this in order get to some much needed relaxation of the summer! The last few weeks of school, for someone who is not in education, are the equivalent of torture for both students and staff. The kids want out, the teachers want out, and it's a power struggle through the last day to get anything accomplished.

We head out tomorrow night to vacation in Vegas for the weekend and it could not be coming quickly enough in some respects because we are both so stressed and tired of the day-to-day stresses. Getting to a new environment for a few days, just the two of us will be amazing. We have not had any kind of time like this since our honeymoon nearly 2 years ago and with all the TTC stuff, we need it. I want to go be without the stress of TTC, without the stress of teaching, and without the stress of graduate classes for a few days to recharge my batteries to it all.

We have our IVF discussion appointment next week and we are ready to get going all ready. I have finished up this month's Femara to at least keep me regulated until we can do the IVF (thank goodness, my RE allowed me to do that or who knows how long it would be until we could get started - no ovulation on my own means no period, which then leads to IVF starting = not okay with us to have to wait that long.) We are ready to get in there and find out exactly what the deal is because I am pretty sure we have it built up more in our heads than it will be in reality. I am definitely one of those people who make it worse in my own head - I am a jump to the bad conclusions first kind of people. What we are hoping is that we will be able to get a good amount of viable eggs and be able to get a couple of transfers from the same batch (so to speak) to help with the giving myself injections thing. The less I have to do that, the happier I will be!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Not going to be sad today

I refuse to be sad today - my period is here in full force and I have a call into the specialist to see what the next steps are going to be specifically for the next month.

I will not cry, I will not scream, I will not allow myself to be angry when all of this has brought us to the next step that will give us our best chances of being a family.

Maybe if I keep telling myself this over and over today - I can will it into the truth of how I feel.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

100th post

I was looking at my blog today and realized I was 1 away from a 100 posts. I know this is not a huge milestone, but it kind of is for me. I also thought that I don't want the 100th post I put up to be about how sad I feel or frustrated, I am doing something different: 100 facts about me.

1. I was supposed to be a Christmas baby, but was born a month early
2. I am the youngest of 4 kids by mother and 4 kids by my father - confused?? Each of my parents had 2 kids when they married then had my brother and me. I technically have 3 older sisters and 2 older brothers, we all just don't share the same parents
3. My middle name Nicole comes from the doctor who fought to save my mom and me while she was pregnant - through blood clots and many other things
4. I contracted bacterial meningitis as a small baby and live in the NICU for weeks, I nearly died multiple times
5. I was born on the way south side of Chicago - Palos Heights
6. We moved to where I call home when I was 5 - Round Lake Beach, Illinois
7. We had a parakeet named Prince because my sister was obsessed with Purple Rain
8. I had my first kiss in Kindergarten and I smacked the boy who did it
9. I used to kick the wall in my sleep, so my mom put a pillow between my knees to keep me from hurting myself
10. I used to have the worst dream that T-Rex was coming around the side of my house and looking in my window at me while I was sleeping
11. I was afraid of thunderstorms until I was 9
12. I loved playing floor hockey with my siblings and cousins in my gram's basement
13. I have been to Disney 2 times - once at 4 and again at 6
14. I had the WORST hair ever in middle school - curly and growing out, but it grew out before it grew down - yup I rocked a white kid fro
15. I played soccer as a kid but always wished it was volleyball instead
16. I went to sleep away camp for 3 summers in a row and it was amazing
17. I am an excellent swimmer - I was always top in my class for speed and technique as a child, then competed for 2 years from middle school into high school
18. I have always hated the way I look in a swim suit - even when I was skinnier
19. I took French for 4 years in high school and 1 advanced conversational level in college
20. I hate math - period.
21. My freckles come out more when I have a tan
22. My favorite subjects in high school were social studies and English
23. I was copy editor of my year book as a junior then assistant editor as a senior
24. My first serious boyfriend was a year and a half long
25. I was dumped at my senior prom by first serious boyfriend
26. My best friend in high school was a guy - I miss him since we don't talk much
27. My first car was when I was 18 and it had 174,000 miles on it when I bought it from my brother
28. The summer between freshman and sophomore years of college I ran a day camp for kids with special needs
29. I have a bowling ball in my favorite color with my initials on it that I received as a Christmas present from a boyfriend
30. I loved working at Walgreens both the corporate and stores, lots of fun
31. Working at Target frustrated me because my manager was a jerk to college kids on Christmas break
32. My hair is naturally curly but it has relaxed tremendously over the years
33. I belong to the best sorority anyone could be a part of - Alpha Xi Delta
34. Some of my best friends are sorority sisters still today
35. I loved college more than high school
36. I went to Australia and New Zealand for 3 weeks in 1995 with People to People Student Ambassadors (a branch of Peace Corps) and was one of only 30 kids in my county to be selected - I was 14
37. I barely did homework in high school - except math
38. I had amazing professors in college who inspired me - from all subject areas
39. My mom and I went on a trip to China in 2001 - it was amazing
40. I have visited at least 15 states in the USA
41. I spend way too much money on my classroom every year even though I say I won't
42. I sometimes miss Chicago and the fun stuff to do downtown
43. My hair was once a purple color in college because I was bored with it
44. I have 6 holes pierced in each ear - but have let 3 top ones close up
45. I suffer from anxiety attacks from time to time
46. I love being a special ed teacher - but not when I was a middle school special ed teacher, I wanted to quit teaching
47. I am not a good person to get out of bed, but once I am up, I am good
48. I dislike mayo - it tastes nasty
49. Soft cheeses make my stomach ache - I avoid them like the plague
50. I spent part of high school being completely lactose intolerant - no dairy at all
51. I had my tonsils taken out when I was 17 and it was miserable
52. My gram is one of the only reasons I survived through college - she's the best!
53. I have issues with cell phones - they don't like me and I have to have them replaced
54. I had 3 cars in 2 years because they had so many issues
55. Moving to the St. Louis area was the best thing I have done in my life
56. I love that I have rekindled friendships from years ago living here
57. I collect pens at work - I love lots of options of colors and hardly write in the same color on multiple days in a row
58. I color code my folders at work with my folders that I keep assignments in to help me be organized
59. My desk is organized chaos at work
60. I live about 5 minutes away from school
61. I love that I now drive a "family car" - it's pretty awesome compared to my tiny little compact I used to drive
62. I hate redundancy
63. I hate redundancy
64. Sometimes I feel like a bad wife/friend/daughter/etc for no apparent reason - just feel like I could be doing more to help
65. I love to cook and have about 25 cookbooks
66. I am not good at baking
67. I miss my puppy from when I was younger - Snickers, he was the best dog
68. I love cooking shows on Food Network and the Cooking Channel
69. Criminal Minds and Law and Order: Criminal Intent are two of my favorite shows
70. My favorite color is purple
71. My honeymoon to St. Maarten was one of the most relaxing and fun vacations I have ever been on
72. Sleeping late is not something I do well
73. I tend to skip breakfast - but I am working on it
74. I carry too much debt
75. The Princess Bride and Ever After are 2 of my favorite movies
76. I still watch kids shows
77. I received my Master's Degree in Educational Technology with a 4.0 GPA in 2008
78. I enjoy taking classes to learn more - I never want to be a stationary person in learning
79. My husband is the best person in the world for putting up with me
80. Meeting him was a complete and total curve ball of fate that I am grateful for eveyday
81. Someday we will retire and travel the world together
82. I think we will be great parents when it happens for us
83. I married into a really awesome family
84. My mother-in-law and I get along very well
85. I have 2 furry kitten babies - Kibbles who is 8 (not technically a kitten but I still see her that way) and Maho who is 1
86. I love football and we watch every Sunday during the football season
87. I admit - I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, even though they have been really bad lately
88. I can swear with the best truck driver's around when I really get rolling
89. My voice carries loudly even when I don't mean it too
90. I HATE flossing my teeth - ick
91. I am awesome at Bejeweled Blitz and have scored over 900,000 in one minute
92. I love taking fun snapshots of my friends to remember fun times
93. I wish I had musical talent - but I don't
94. I don't like Brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, or cooked spinach (I do like raw spinach in salads though)
95. French toast is my favorite breakfast food
96. I could never give up Sprite as my soda of choice, it's my favorite
97. I do not get hangovers no matter how much alcohol I consume and it drives my husband crazy
98. I am terrible artist
99. I want to be a mother more than anything after 19 months of trying
100. Aaron and I are a great team - even when stuff is really hard, he is the best support in the world

Monday, May 16, 2011

90% sure we are moving on

After another couple of days of really promising temps - then this morning on 12 dpo (which is typical for a month where my period is going to show up) a drop. Take that with a negative test again and we are pretty sure we are moving on.

We have an appointment to discuss IVF on June 1 and I am glad we all ready set it up because we will need it.

All I have to say is...


Thursday, May 12, 2011

Well the testing begins - yes I know it's early but I don't care

I confess that I tested this morning.   

However, I used the internet cheapie tests that are only about $4 for 20, instead of going into debt to do this. I am cheap when it comes to this stuff because we have spent so much money through the last 19 months. After all this time, I refuse to pay the prices in the stores unless I have to, I would much rather spend less money and have many more options to test - even though they are not really accurate at 8 days past ovulation.

Hell, I may start couponing just to manage the medical bills coming in for the procedures (stupid insurance deductibles and co-pays). This is an incredible business that that is thoroughly profiting from women who are desperate for the positive, they are willing to sign over their 401(k) in order to have the family. I can't imagine at this point how much more money I would have in my checking account if I had done this all the time we have been trying, using the internet cheapies. It's sad and makes me sad for my checkbook.

I just want to know and I don't care if it's too early. I have come to a point where I just don't care about waiting any more because I am ready to know if I can move on to IVF or not.

I know, I know, I know...statistically, 8 days past ovulation is WAY too early to test.

It's only approximately 69% accurate at this point.

Seriously, this is what the commercials are pushing??? 

This is a great marketing scheme - you can know sooner, so why not buy it? The thing is women are not reading the information insert that comes with the test that shows the true level of accuracy of the testing. I think if more people would read that, those tests would stop flying off the shelves because it's not that accurate.

This is the 6 days sooner idea but really it's about as accurate as flipping a coin or just guessing yourself. Let's go out and spend approximately $12 for 2 tests that are as accurate as reaching in your purse, getting a coin, and flipping it. If you flip it enough, you may get your positive. Wouldn't that be cheaper than spending all that money??

Man people are suckers, myself included. I am in the wrong profession.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A meltdown the day after - a reflection

I was doing so well with Mother's Day yesterday until about 9:30 pm when something hit me like a ton of bricks and down, down I went. This one was rougher than many of the other ones I have been having recently.

A meltdown - no let me rephrase that, a HUGE MELTDOWN.

I sat on my bathroom floor for a good hour and just cried. Why the bathroom? When I get that upset, I tend to get sick to my stomach - bordering on a panic attack. I went in there so I wouldn't have to try to run to make it if I felt the urge to throw up. I did throw up, but only a little - the feeling passed quickly.

Aaron followed me in to see if I was all right and we sat on the floor to talk for almost an hour.

I confessed to him that I felt just awful after the appointment last week when we found out his numbers were so strong. I told him it just highlighted to my brain where the problem is - me. And even though I know that I can't change me, I still felt very much to blame. To blame for all the stress and strain we have gone through in the past 19 months and to blame for the way things haven't worked month after month.

I confessed that I cry nearly everyday when it sneaks into my brain, usually after Aaron leaves in the morning but before I head out to school for the day. I cry because I am sad, I am sad everyday about this journey and I want it to be done. I am sad for the way it has invaded the rest of my life. There is not a part of my life that has not been sincerely affected by this and I hate it.

I want my life back - I want to be happy again. I had to make sure Aaron understood when I said that, I wasn't referring to being happy with him. He is the bright spot in my day and I look forward to spending time with him.

I just want to be able to smile easily and laugh hard. I want to not be consumed by all the "what ifs?" that go with TTC everyday. I want to feel like me again - not some hormone-crazed person who feels like she is running in circles more than moving forward. I want to stop seeing that look on his face when I am crying and he wants desperately to make me feel better but can't.

This meltdown was hard and when I was done - I crawled into bed and just crashed for the night. I am not sure I even moved too much throughout the night because I was just physically and emotionally exhausted.

9 days until we find out what the next step will be - pregnancy or IVF and it feels like 9 years instead.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Wishful thinking on Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone who has any kind of interaction with a child/animal/etc that needs love and to be nurtured. This day is for you.

Does it make me sad that I don't have a little one to celebrate the day with aside from my fantastic furry kittens and my wonderful husband? The answer of a person who isn't letting it bother them would be - nope, not sad at all. Me on the other hand, am sad today but I am working on it.

When we started our journey to being parents all those months ago, we had no idea how long it was all going to take and now 2 Mother's Days have passed since we started and that's just a little saddening. No, it's not the end of the world. However, we took a moment today to allow ourselves to be sad about it because it was the right thing for us to do.

When you want to be a parent, waiting just through the pregnancy seems like it will never end. Then add in all the waiting game we have gone through so far and we are talking about a serious amount of time.

We are hopeful but nervous about this cycle, we still have days to go before we will know what's going on. That's hard to deal with today. I would much rather be celebrating that we are off this part of the ride and onto the next part of the journey. It's about time we have the start of our dream isn't it? I can't wait until we can celebrate that - it's long overdue.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Negativity anyone??

I feel so down right now - just negative and not feeling this month. I wish that I felt differently or knew what brought it on. Last night, I was lying on the bed watching TV and chilling out when I was just hit with a wall of sadness and down-feeling. Why? I have no idea. But, I have to say that I am not a fan of it at all and I want it to go away. I don't have anything to be sad about really aside from the general fear that this IUI won't work and we will have to move on to more intensive fertility treatments. That's all I have to be sad about and normally, I can just push that to the side since we are still 2 weeks from finding out if it worked and usually I don't hit this point until about 5 days beforehand. Why now??? I don't want to spend the next 2 weeks feeling like this - get out stupid thoughts!! I don't like you and you are not welcome!

Tonight, I am going out with some good friends to have some Mexican food (they will have margaritas, I will be drinking Sprite - darn people who get to drunk on Cinco de Mayo and I have to be the designated driver) and I hope it helps me shake this feeling today. I am going to see if I can cram some other fun stuff into this 2 week wait to help the time pass faster. I like to be busy sometimes because then I don't have too much extra time to think. I don't want to think too much...it's bad for the brain.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

3rd time's a charm?

I can't tell you how many times people have said this to me when they found out we were preparing for our 3rd IUI. I know these old sayings are supposed to be in order to help deal with the stress someone can feel. I wish I had that kind of confidence. I am not sure why this cycle feels so different all ready for me, I can barely find the motivation to get into it and I wish I knew why. I want it to work, but I can't bring myself to get really excited about it even though I do want to be excited.

This morning went really well, no complications or difficulties like last time. The nurse was able to get it right away, the whole thing lasted about 2 minutes total. We now have 2 weeks until we find out. I am calling tomorrow to get our appointment set up in case this doesn't work and we are sitting down with the RE to talk about moving on to IVF.We just want to have all our bases covered, we can always cancel our appointment if we get good news in 2 weeks. I am hoping for a Murphy's Law kind of thing - you know, schedule the appointment and that will make this one work kind of thing? I don't really believe any of that

Aaron's #s were amazing today - 38 million before washing and they were thrilled with the #s he was showing as we have done this process (1st month was 26 million and last month was 88 million) they want anything over 10 million before the washing and we more than covered that amount. This is kind of a double-edged thing to me - so his #s are great even after they did the washing and that means the problem comes from me. While I am happy it's not both of us because that's a whole different set of issues and strains, at the same time it makes me feel more to blame.

YES, I know I am not to blame. This is the way I was born, there is nothing I could do differently to make myself different and able to be an active contributor to the process without medical interventions. I am doing everything I can and the doctors are helping us as much as possible. But it's still a painful realization. HOWEVER, knowing I am not to blame and feeling like I am not to blame are not the same thing.

Aaron never makes me feel as though it my fault that we are going through this, he says it's what we are going through and he has never blamed me. I will be forever grateful for that because that would be an extraordinary level of pain added to what I all ready feel on any given day. He started dating me knowing this was an option in our future - we had this conversation when we were only dating a few weeks because I knew I could never go through someone looking at me differently due to the infertility as I had in the past. But hearing it then and knowing it with all the specifics are different things completely. He could be angry at me or treat me differently because of the medical issues...but he never does. I am so grateful for that.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Here we go

I woke up this morning and here is what I saw:

So that means tomorrow is the final IUI. It's nerve-wrecking and exciting all at the same time. I really hope this one is the one that works. Aaron and I haven't really been able to do our part recently due to a whole bunch of reasons, so we are going to "get on it" tonight before we head in tomorrow morning.

It's weird but both of us have not had much interest in our time this month, but I am not really sure why. Maybe it's because we know it's the last one, maybe because we know moving on to IVF is a much better % of success...maybe it's just a month where we are tired of it all - the whole fertility issues thing that has been weighing on us. I am not sure, but it's been a struggle to get into this month for both of us.

I am just ready to move on to whatever at this point

Monday, May 2, 2011

Gearing up again...3rd IUI and final month before IVF

Here we go again.

I should be getting a + OPT either later today or tomorrow and that means that we heading in for our 3rd and final IUI.

I am ready to go and get moving all ready. We are ready to move on if that's what's in store for us, we are ready to be pregnant if that's what's in store for us. We have made our peace with having to move to IVF if needed and are gearing up for it.

Unfortunately, it pushes us into 2012 before the baby would be due and that's going to be tough. We have me covered by both insurances (mine and Aaron's) and we will be starting over with our deductibles, which means it will be more out of pocket than it would be if we were able to get it done in this year. That part kind of stinks, but at least it will be covered pretty well.