Thursday, June 28, 2012

And it continues

Well an update again...

We have 20 follicles over 10 mm this morning with almost 10 above 14 mm.

This would normally be a ticket to the retrieval, however my dr is being conservative. She wants to have us stimulate one more day before giving the go ahead for the retrieval. Last year, we had a good number of follicles but when they got to the eggs, there were quite a few that were immature. So between the new medicine protocol and such, she wants to push it one more day to help with their growth.

She is hoping that one more day of stimulating meds will help those that we have grow into more mature eggs for the retrieval. So we have another appointment tomorrow morning to see how they are developing.

That puts our retrieval tentatively scheduled for the trigger shot to be tomorrow and the retrieval to be on Sunday.

I am so ready for this to be done with because my ovaries are swollen and I am tired all the time. While I am not looking forward to the retrieval and the pain that will come with it, I am ready for this portion of the programming to be finished.

I am ready to be moving onto the next phase of the process at this point.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Day 8 of stimulating meds - ugh I feel like crap

Okay, I know I said I felt like crap 2 days ago.

Little did I know how much I could in fact feel like crap.

On Monday, the doctor recommended doubling Menopur (stimulating med) from the dose I had been taking due to the follicles growing well but wanting to step it up a notch. Ugh. That always makes me feel like a bloated balloon when we do that part. But, we did this before and I knew what to expect with it.

Then, in addition they added Cetrotide (yes, that makes 3 different shots I am currently giving myself in my poor, bruised abdomen everyday). This one according to WebMd is: Cetrotide® (cetrorelix acetate for injection) is indicated for the inhibition of premature LH surges in women undergoing controlled ovarian stimulation. So basically, we are trying to stop my body from going to into a surge too soon while the little (I mean big) follicles are finishing development. I have never taken this one before and I was not sure what to expect with it at all.

I don't know which one of these is responsible for this, but I feel awful. I am bloated all the time, beyond the regular bloating feeling that comes with your ovaries swelling from walnut size to tennis ball size. I am so glad there is only a few more days at the most of these shots because this sucks. My abdomen has bruises in different states of healing and giving the shots is starting to be almost painful because most of my abdomen is really sensitive due to the bruising.

The positive news is that my follicles are growing - and I mean GROWING!!! They are huge! I had one today that was 19 mm! They would like them to be around 14 mm at the time of the retrieval and I had tons (by tons I mean 17) that were above the 10 mm mark and I still had at least one more day (today, if not tomorrow too) of shots to go. They grow at approximately 1-2 mm a day. Some of these guys are going to be enormous by the day of the retrieval and I am hoping that means large follicle=good egg, but we shall see if that's true or not. I am hoping it is.

This is awesome and I am thrilled with the growth - not thrilled with the swelling and general crappy feeling that I am currently experiencing. However, they want me to come in tomorrow to see how they are doing and the nurse said that she wouldn't be surprised if I was getting the trigger shot in the next day or two. (Trigger shot = HCG which will prepare the follicles to be harvested in the retrieval process. It's a HUGE shot of the pregnancy hormone that helps those guys be ready to be taken out of me and fertilized.)

So we should be getting the news to do the trigger shot very very soon and then we can be onto the next part of this process.

Come on good news, we need you!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

We are nearly 1/2 way there (I hope)

Well today is day 7 of meds and man do I feel like crud.

Yesterday, my doctor increased my one medication by double and it is the one that makes me swell more than any of the other ones. I am now on 3 different shots a day as well as 5 pills a day and I feel like a human pharmacy.  I feel as though I have a million medicines running through me all the time but I have no energy to do anything at all.

I feel puffy and none of my pants are fitting, I am wearing stretchy yoga pants in order to be comfortable. But really nothing is working.

We should be looking at this weekend or the very beginning of next week to do the retrieval of the follicles and honestly, it cannot come any faster.

My follicles are growing really well - we have 8 that are over 10 mm and we are looking to get to 14mm or better for the retrieval. It should only be a few more days to go because I all ready have a few follicles that are nearly at that size all ready and several more that are close to the size we want them to be.

What does all this mean???

It means that this different course of medicines is working well and my body is responding quickly and powerfully to it. That's a good thing even though it makes me feel pretty awful right now, it will be worth it in the end. Last year, we had 14 follicles that were collected at the retrieval and I suspect that we will have as many if not more this year.

I am just afraid that all of this will have been for nothing though, my fear is strong that this won't work and we will be right back to where we were before it all. I am afraid of having to do it all again because it was not successful.

I am scared to death right now.

I am trying very hard to not be as scared  because I want this to work almost desperately. It has been quite a long long struggle to this point and I want it to be done all ready. I am tired of the emotional roller coaster, the ups and downs, the strain it puts on me physically time and again. I am ready to be on the next part of the trip in whatever capacity that will be because this back and forth is so difficult to deal with.

Just a few more days to go - it will all be worth it in the end.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Day 4 of the IVF meds

Well here we are at day 4 of the IVF meds.

This round has been rougher than it was before. I know it is a different medicine regimen than we did last time - we are seeing different results all ready.

I woke up the second day noticing the swelling a bit more than I had expected. Now by day 4, it is puffy town for me. The doctor said that we would notice more effects quickly due to the more intense dose of medications.

I know it is working, but I really hate those shots everyday. It's a few minutes everyday that is not very fun at all - there is nothing about having to give yourself 2 different shots that is entertaining. It is not a comfortable process either, the one medicine stings after you inject it and the other one is a thicker needle so it hurts more when it is injected. I have a few days until we are going to introduce the 3rd shot to the mixture.

We will see how we are progressing when I go back to the doctor on Monday. I am hoping this is a faster process than last year - we did 11 days of stimulation before the big shot and then retrieval. The doctors said that this could be a quicker stimulation, so I am hoping things move quickly.

We shall see how it goes, I am curious for the update.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Life is a funny thing

My life is a funny funny thing.

We came home on Sunday after being in Chicago for 11 days - that trip was impossible and I couldn't be more relieved that I don't have to do it again.

I said my goodbyes to my mom and there are not words to sum up that feeling. There isn't even anything that comes close to compare it to in the world. Her visitation made me feel as though my heart had been ripped out. Knowing that I will not see her, or talk to her, or get another hug from her makes me wish for about some quality cuddle time with her where we talk about everything under the sun.

Now I am home and trying to figure out how to get on with my life.

Everything I do or say feels like it is not okay to be doing or is insulting her memory by doing it all.

I know there is not a right or wrong way to handle things - that no matter what I do it is the right thing to do. But somehow I can't shake the feeling of crossing the line into moving onto the rest of my life.

Now we have been given the clearance to start IVF and it's strange to start all this right now. However at the same time, it feels as though it is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. It feels as though the timing of it all is exactly the way it was supposed to work out and that my mom would be in favor of us starting it all right now.

I know she was one of our biggest supporters to having a family - I am very upset that she will not know my child and won't be there when I have questions in the future.

While I am excited for finally starting this that we have waited so long to begin, I can't help but be sad at the same time. When this works, she would be the first one I wanted to tell and now I don't know who that will be.

It's all too complicated and my brain is full with so many confusing thoughts.

I love you Mom and I miss you every minute.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

My mom

My mom was my hero.

She was strong and stubborn, opinionated and smart, sweet and caring, loving and encouraging....most of all, she was my mom.

When my mom was pregnant with me she was stuck on hospital bed rest because of serious complications. She spent months in a hospital bed just to keep me safe.

At just a few months old, I contracted bacterial meningitis. This put me in the NICU for a very long time and I nearly died several times. My mom refused to leave my side unless family members forced her to go rest.

She worked multiple jobs to pay the bills with lots of support from my grandmother and uncles. She was a single mother of 4 but she didn't stop making herself better. She went to nursing school, paramedic school, as well as earning her Associate's degree all with children running around.

I am not sure any parent was louder at soccer or basketball games, swim meets, etc with her whistle between her teeth. No parent screamed louder and she would refuse to sit down when other parents wanted her to be quiet - there was no stopping her.

No one was prouder when I was selected out of hundreds of students in the county to travel to Australia when I was just 14. Or when I was inducted into National Honor Society in high school. She screamed for me at my undergraduate graduation, applauded/screamed at my induction into Phi Kappa Phi, and whistled at my Master's graduation.

She was one of my biggest cheerleaders always.

We would spend hours shopping or chatting, watching the same 4 movies time and again because we knew all the words.

Cutting each other as we talked because we just had to share a thought before it was gone.

Cuddling on her bed, wrapped her big comforter just talking for hours and giggling like fools.

We would argue at the other's "damn Irish stubbornness and temper."

She called me her "beautiful blue-eyed girl." Her "miracle baby." Her "teeny bean."

She was so excited when I started teaching, telling me to do what I loved because I loved it not to get rich. We shared a love of history and reading - she always encouraged me to read and travel.

I was blessed to spend 2 weeks in China with her. We toured and traveled. Tried gross food and drank warm soda but cold beer! We climbed the Great Wall together with her calling me every dirty name she could think of because it was so hot and hard to do. We cruised the Yellow River and explored the Forbidden City. We rode a train across China in a "luxury train car" that I could touch both walls a the same time. Learned that "tse tse" meant thank you and blond haired women were a sight to be seen by the Chinese. We climbed mountains and ate until we burst. We walked miles a day and laughed at our traveling companions.

When Aaron was going to propose, he had my mom take me out to try on rings for style preference. She loved how he said he would have final say because he knew me so well. She is the one who found my engagement and wedding set at the last of 7 stores we went to that day. She sent me away, wrote down the information, then gave it to Aaron. She told him it was perfect.

My mom loved Aaron - she said she knew I would always be loved in the way I deserved to be by him and that was a mother's joy.


I miss her all ready -

I cannot just pick up the phone to talk to her.

I cannot just hug her one more time - the hugs that only a mother can give that make everything feel okay for just those few moments.

I cannot laugh with her or cry with her.

She won't be leaving me a million comments because she loved hearing about all my friends and antics.

Most painfully, she won't meet my children. They will know her only through pictures and stories. They will know she loved them even without knowing them, she is now their guardian angel always.


I have to learn to live in this new world without her.

Tse tse mom for everything, I hope you knew how much I love you and will miss you.

I hope I made you proud because I was proud to be your daughter.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012


I am in shock.

My mom passed away this morning.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

And the waiting continues...

We are still waiting, my damn period has not shown so we are again on hold.

I started the provera again to get a period so we can get started. I hate this medicine, it makes me retain water and get headaches. But it's a means to an end so it's worth it all. I am going to just deal with it all if it gets us to where want to be.

Right now, we are looking at about 10-15 days before being able to start all the stimulation meds.

Just frustrating after all this time.