Thursday, December 30, 2010

REALLY??? Another set back...

Well I went in for blood work on Monday to have some hormone levels checked before starting the new fertility med to get on with our IUI. Called the specialist today and they still do not have the results, the doctor will not be able to do my prescription until she reviews the results. The issue = the window for the month closes tomorrow and the specialist isn't open again until Monday.

Talk about disappointing...

I am going to call them on Monday to see if there is possibly anything we can do.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Much better this week, but ready for break.

So my emotions are much better this much calmer - I doubt the hormone medicine I was on to help my period get here helped much with the overdone emotions I was experiencing.

What I am not is starting my IUI cycle yet. Still waiting on the body to get it together, so I can start taking the fertility medicine so we can have our first IUI in the new year. I had been hoping that we would be able to do it before the new year, but with the vaccine situation in November and now my body not working with me has set it back awhile.

At the end of the day, I go on winter break and it cannot come soon enough. I need a few days off to get it all together and re-focus my energies in the right direction. The end of the semester is always so stressful with semester exams, grades, and getting ready for the new semester so the start isn't so hectic. That's quite a bit to deal with all at once when you add in all the other emotions and situations together. It's just a recipe for me needing a break for a few days.

Thankfully, all my Christmas shopping is done and just needs to be wrapped up. That means I just need to go grocery shopping and clean up the house before we have Aaron's family over on Saturday evening for the holiday.

One thing I am really tired of is people not being remotely sympathetic to what I am going through. I have had a rough road lately - the meds are rough on the body and the mind, and some days are bad. Some people have made comment to me that all I do is complain about how I don't feel well or whatever. I am entitled to express my frustrations in the way I feel the most comfortable with, if you don't like it - then don't read it. I would never judge someone for going through an unbelievably difficult situation that has gone on for a very long time for expressing their frustrations with it. I understand that many people do not feel as though they are able to by sympathetic to what we are going through and I get that...but damn people, cut me some slack!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Lord grant me the serenity...

This prayer is so significant in my journey to being a mother. I know it's meant for addictions, but the crossover is huge for me.

I have really been struggling for days now...more than I ever thought I could. My anxiety over infertility has now officially overrun into all aspects of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry or think about all the bad things that could happen. This is killing me right now. The fear is so strong and overwhelming.

Some people know I have had anxiety my whole life, many people do not.

It started as a kid when my family went through a really (and I mean extremely bad time). We lost our home due to foreclosure, I had to stay with a friend for the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, my mother was so sick, and I was free-floating in the world. Not an easy place to be at 17. I dealt with it due to some great friends and family, I felt all right again.

Then it happened again in college when I was in an emotional abusive relationship. I had anxiety everyday about saying or doing the right thing to prevent being bullied or attacked. My comfort then was food, I gained about 20 pounds in 2 months. Eventually I lost that weight and a little more when the relationship finally ended and I realized I was worth more than being someone's doormat and possession.

The next time I had a rough time was when I got divorced in 2007. This was a dark time for me - the end of my marriage started coming many months before it actually happened. The anxiety this time would keep me up all night trying to figure out what to do and what my life would be life when it was finally over. I had some really amazing friends/family who kept me going by telling me it was going to be okay.

Now here we are again...this time it is worse than it has been in more than a decade. I have been going at full steam ahead for so long that, I haven't allowed myself to stop and deal with the issues. I believe I was afraid to do this because I was afraid to deal with the pain and other issues that I had been masking for such a long time. This past month when we have not been allowed to try in any capacity has made me have to slow down and evaluate myself. It has been rough to say the least. My immune system is fighting back because I kept up such a pace for so long that I never gave my body a chance to recover from all that I was doing with the fertility medicines, the blood work, etc. Then when I stopped, it came onto my like hitting a brick wall at 200 miles an hour.

Coming to grips with all of this in the past few days has made me realize that the troubles I am having are not going to be solved quickly and I will need assistance. Unfortunately, I believe very strongly that these issues are going to now have to be dealt with on a professional level. I think I have reached as far as I can on my own and need to reach out for help.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows how unbelievably stubborn I can be and how difficult it can be for me to ask for help. But I am trying and come back to this prayer:

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

(From "The Serentiy Prayer" by Elisabeth Sifton) 

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing Sometimes

Okay so my brain won't shut up right now...I am having awful thoughts running through my head about our infertility and I can't stop them.

I wish I knew why it is that my mind goes there and camps out. I am so sick of this and wish the fear would go away. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!

This just sucks and it needs to go away for sure.
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Sunday, December 12, 2010


Snow day, snow day, snow day!!!

Awesome turn of events, super excited!!
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Loves my job, BUT.....

I want a SNOW DAY!!! We are all impatiently waiting to see if we are going to have school tomorrow. All the schools around us are calling off due to the low temps and wind chill factors.

It's kind of a fun anticipation thing, like when you were a little kid and hoping for the TV to show your school's name!

We will see what happens. I would love it so much, I know I have been off several days recently however i would love a day off without spending the whole time really sick.

Just waiting for the final verdict...come on phone ring!!!
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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting - Is this seriously a test of will power and determination????

The longer I am in this process the more I wonder if this just a test.

You know: This is a test, this is ONLY a test. In the event of a real fertility situation, immediate and adequate medical intervention would work on the VERY first time. 

Wouldn't that be amazing if it were true?

I have spent a long time thinking about this subject (yes, I am aware that it makes me borderline, if not completely obsessed) and I have to wonder: "Is this whole process a giant test to see if Aaron and I can survive it? And if we survive it, we will be rewarded with a family that we so desperately desire. It seems sometimes as though this is just a test of will power to continue going and determination to not quit before we reach our goal.

As Aaron and I have officially met the 12 month time line (more in terms of cycles - this is now 14 because in some months I had 2 cycles. One finish and one begin.) it has become a matter of sheer will to have a family. I think although the last year has been so difficult in terms of the emotional investment from one month to the next, it has brought Aaron and I closer together. We have had to talk about incredibly personal things (seriously - what husband wants to hear about the intimate working the female body and then be required to have sex on specific days??? Or what wife wants to hear about her husband having to go for a sperm analysis???) Plus to be actively trying on our own, we have had to maintain a healthy sex life (I know TMI - but oh well, it's part of the program) in the first year plus of our marriage when the honeymoon is over and reality of married life sets in.

We will see what the RE says in a few days about starting the next cycle...maybe a New Year's baby is in our future.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Finally on the mend, looking forward to starting the next step!

Well, I spent a week in hell with a stomach virus on top of the antibiotics. I missed 3 days of work, which is unheard of for me. BUT - finally after a whole week of this nonsense, I am on the tail end of it all. My glands are down (thank god!) and my stomach has finally settled down. I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

Now, comes the question of when will we get to start the preparation for the IUI? Since coming off the Clomid, I am not sure how this cycle is going to go so we can get started on the next one which will be our first (and hopefully ONLY) attempt at the IUI. I still have a few days until we will know what the real scoop is with it.

It should come as no surprise that we are anxious to get it going on. We started trying in November of last year, trying with serious effort in February and it's now December...that's a long time. I know there are women who have been doing this for so much longer than we have, but I don't know how they have kept their cool through it all. It is so difficult to maintain positive thoughts through each month that goes on without success. I have to have faith in the process, in the doctor's positiveness with it, and in the desire we have for it to work.

Monday, November 29, 2010


I have decided that my body hates me.

I finally felt better from the stupid Metformin, then I wake up Saturday with swollen glands. Really???? Come on all ready!! I am on antibiotics and have to go for another follow up appointment on Friday. I went today after going to urgent care yesterday and she said that she doesn't see anything immediate aside from the swelling. She wants to see how the antibiotics work for a few more days before getting too excited and nervous. I felt better after that because it did make me worried, if she thought there was a major issue she would have sent me for more testing.

I really wish my body would get it together all ready. The doctor said she wouldn't be surprised if suddenly slowing down after everything wasn't contributing to part of the issue and my glands were just quickly responding. I guess we will see what happens. It does feel somewhat better than it did yesterday, so we will see what happens.
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Thursday, November 25, 2010


Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays - I think in part because my birthday was always so close to it, so it just feels like an extension of my birthday, but also because it means getting together to talk about why you are thankful for the people in your life.

I want to take a second to describe why:

My husband - There are not enough words to describe how thankful and grateful I am for him. It took me 26 years to find him and realize that I was worth all the love, I never take it for granted that he wants to be with me.

My family (through birth, through marriage, and through life) - These are the people who have seen me through so many difficult times in my life with unbelievable strength and love. I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for them.

My friends (the 2nd family) - The people I enjoy spending time with when I need a release from my life. They are the ones I just want to spend time with and am happy to have them in my life!

My co-workers - These people make the craziness of teaching easier to manage and more fun to do everyday.

Today is a good day.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I hate Metformin

This stupid medicine that I have been on sucks...

It was recently doubled and it all ready has serious gastrointestinal side effects at the lower dosage I was on, so this new dosage is ROUGH on my body! I know that it's going to help increase our chances of a successful pregnancy, but damn this is quite a bit to deal with. I know it will be worth it in the end, I just hope I can survive the road there.

I cannot wait until this medicine is not part of my everyday routine. I have been up for 2 1/2 hours since my latest bout of issues and I am just finally starting to feel somewhat better. I "might" be able to get some sleep soon.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The best day with the best people

I found out over the past few days exactly how loved I am and it brings me nearly to tears (I know, sentimental and softy!). I had over 80 people leave me messages on Facebook, and 10 cards in the mail from all over the country. Then last night, I was floored by the number of people who came to my birthday party....I am so lucky.

My dear friend Robyn came down from Wisconsin, then Aaron conspired with my mom for her and one of my oldest friends Rene to come down as a surprise for my birthday. I couldn't have been more clueless that they were coming. It was wonderful to have them here.

We had about 20 people at bowling which was so much fun, who doesn't love acting insane and being goofy with your friends while bowling?? Even the expectations of that were overthown by the hijinks that most definitely went on

Then came the karaoke....need I say more?? It's so much to laugh at the bad singers and enjoy the fun of being together. It was great and we had people stay until it was time to close it down at 2 am!! I think they need to come up with a new word to describe the fun we had - fun doesn't cut it at all!

I do not take for granted that these people are in my life and I very much appreciate all of them.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

A great day that will be made even better

This is the first birthday in a long time that I was actually looking forward to having.

Aaron took me out to a great dinner last night just the two of us. It was nice to have a little bit of time for us before we are with all of our friends tonight. Tonight will be amazing - silly bowling fun with friends (reminder and tribute to good old hometown, bowling all the time!) and just good times!! I am so excited!

So far, 30 feels pretty good! :-)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

30??? BRING IT ON!!

Well 2 days past HSG and I feel like a human again. Thank God! Pretty much within the time frame they told me I was back to my normal self. No more lying on the bed feeling like my abdomen was going to burst as in the scene from Aliens when the alien jumps out.

This is great because this weekend - Saturday to be specific, I turn 30!! I am so excited about it! I know many people do not want to get older, but I really love it.

I think I am better now than I was at any point in my life before this.

I have the love of my life, great friends, a wonderful job and co-workers, and an amazingly crazy family that never ceases to surprise me! I also have accomplished so many of the goals I had for myself by this age:

1. I wanted to be in the career I always wanted to be in (check)
2. I wanted to be with a man who I could love and would love me unconditionally (check)
3. I wanted to have my Master's Degree (check)
4. I wanted to own my home (check)
5. I wanted to have my own family (no check :-( but we are working on it)

I think I am doing pretty well. I know that being a parent will happen for us and that it will work out the way it was meant to in the end. We may only be able to have one, but we will get there.

This weekend will be awesome: I have my book club tomorrow night, then dinner with the great husband - Saturday now includes a visit from a great old friend, then bowling with the friends - Sunday involves lunch with this friend and then onto the Rams game for a great game! WOOHOO! I can't wait for it!

30 doesn't scare me, I think it will be my best decade yet!

I have learned so much about myself and the amount of strength it takes to go through this rough process. I never knew I was so strong before and that's saying something coming out the other side of a divorce. Even then, I didn't know I could endure so much emotional (and physical) struggle to accomplish a goal without giving up. I think it's my good old Irish stubbornness as my mom would say that keeps me going from month to month, test to test.

To everyone who is apart of my life - this weekend is a celebration of you in my life helping me get here! I love you!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

HSG & vaccines = rough day

I had the HSG yesterday and it was rough. They had issues with the catheter staying in the correct place and had to switch it out a few times (talk about OUCH!) before they could get the dye to stay in place. So the procedure should have taken about 5 minutes ended up taking about 25 minutes. By the end of it, I just wanted it to be done with all ready and was rather crampy all night. I don't think it would have been so bad if they hadn't had issues with the equipment.

They said that they didn't see anything that was blocking it, but I will have the final results in the next few days.

I did talk to my RE to let them know that I got vaccine and I asked them to explain to me about the 30 day waiting period. The nurse (who is wonderful at answering questions) said she had the same thing happen to her and then the waiting period was 3 months after getting the shot before trying to get pregnant! I am glad that's not the case! She said because in this shot, they inject a little of the live virus and they want to make sure it's all set because it can cause complications in the pregnancy and potential for miscarriage. They didn't want to take any chances with complications if we could possibly prevent it. I just wanted the reason why and now I feel better about it, it's done anyway so we are now in the 30 day countdown!!

So the plan is to get through this cycle, start the Letrazole and then hopefully be able to the first IUI right before Christmas. The only issue is that I may be ovulating right around Christmas Eve or Day and they are not open then. We will have to see though how it works. I am not sure how this cycle is going to go because I am not on Clomid so I am not sure if my body is going to continue on track or not.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Home from Colorado

Well we are leaving this afternoon to come home. Colorado has been it's own kind of fun, but I am ready to be home.

Don't get me wrong, I love Aaron's family very much. But 4 straight days is along time with anyone!!! We need a break from each other because it's been such close quarters we are just getting on each other's nerves.

The wedding was beautiful and I will update with pictures soon. I have to get packed to head home soon!!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I am about to go completely POSTAL!

So I am pretty angry right now.

I talked to my doctor about the blood work results, everything is in the normal range - which is good and I am glad it is.


They also tested me for rubella to see if I still had the antibodies, apparently they can diminish over the course of your life after you have the MMR shot as a child. I have to get one - here's where I am pissed. When I get it, which my doctor wants me to have immediately....I have to avoid pregnancy or trying to get pregnant for 30 days!!!!!!!! Seriously????? Some kind of sick joke.

I know it's the for good of everyone, etc in the logical part of my brain. BUT the non-logical (and at the moment sincerely loud part of my brain) just wants to scream! That means if I get the shot in the next week (I will have to wait until we get back from Colorado since we leave first thing in the morning), that this cycle is out after the HSG, and so that put me to the end of December before we can even TRY!!!!

NOT FAIR!! Why does this stupid crap keep happening that sets us back further and further from our dream????

Then we have to deal with the change in insurance and I may have to get a new RE and start this freaking process all over again.

I am so angry.

I really truly want to throw myself on the floor and have a temper tantrum right now (again, I said the non-logical part of my brain is running the show at the moment).

I am going out to dinner with a friend tonight and I think it's going to be at least a 2 drink kind of dinner. I really just want to cry.

It really doesn't help that I found out that a former student (graduated 2 years ago) just had her second kid and they are living off the system. Another student just found out she is pregnant. It just makes me more sad.

I think the break of going to Colorado this weekend may help me some...I really hope so because I am  not feeling very great about much right now. At least I can get all fancy-dressed and pretty, see a beautiful wedding between people who love each other very much, and have some serious non-TTC sex with my husband after having too many drinks at the wedding. That sounds like the perfect recipe to help me right now.

Monday, November 8, 2010

When it rains, it pours

Thought of the day - why is it when you are busy you are so busy you can barely keep it all straight, but when you have nothing going on, it's pretty profound???

The next few weeks are so insane I am all ready holding my breath to survive!

This week: aside from normal work stuff
1. Aaron's testing is Thursday morning on our way to the airport
2. Heading to Denver for Aaron's cousin Dane's wedding, which is getting through airport security - ick
3. Thursday night - getting our rental car, getting checked in to the hotel, heading to the rehearsal dinner
4. Friday - get wedding present for the wedding since we didn't want to have to worry about the present getting smashed packed in luggage, evening wedding!
5. Saturday - brunch with the newlyweds
6. Getting home and ready for the week with only a few hours to do so!

Upcoming week:
1. Rescheduled parent meeting first thing Monday morning
2. HSG scheduled for Tuesday afternoon
3. Book club with 2 books I haven't read a page of yet!
4. 30th birthday celebration!!!! :-)
5. Rams football game

THEN - it's getting ready for our first Thanksgiving in our new home for 10 people! YIKES!!

So incredibly busy!!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Plan set up - let's get going all ready!!!

Okay, back from the RE....minus 5 vials of blood they withdrew before I left the office.

Step #1 - Aaron is to get to a sperm analysis (he is on board with this) - will probably be done next week. We are supposed to head out to Colorado for his cousin's wedding and we are going to see if he can get it done that morning before we leave since he doesn't have any more time off work until his vacation days roll over in January.

Step #2 - I am going to have an HSG when we get back from Colorado (has to be done between cd 5-10, cd 5-6 are when we are still in Colorado.) Just have to work out the details with the fertility clinic my RE works out of and make a plan with MIL to take me since Aaron can't take anymore time off work and I don't feel comfortable going by myself.

Step #3 - If those come back clear or my tubes become clear from HSG, we are going to start Letrozole and IUI. The great thing is this clinic does IUI Mon-Sat! Makes life much easier. This gives us a 5-8% chance of conceiving and we can do this for 3-6 months.

Step #4 - this part may be optional depending on how we feel about continuing IUI. We can switch to injectable meds and IUI. This gives us a 8-15% chance of conceiving. The issue is the injectable meds tend to have more side effects and are touchy - this will have to be something we consider.

Step #5 - IVF - 50-60% chance of conceiving. If we are going to do the injectables, we may as well consider this one. Would need really close monitoring and it's quite a process.

So that's that. I am glad we have a plan worked out and can get stuff done. I am ready to get it all going!!!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Tomorrow is a big day - hello Reproductive Endocrinologist

I am nervous for tomorrow. I have filled out my HUGE packet on background information, so I am as ready as I can be.

I am trying not to be nervous in a bad way - trying to tell my brain to stop thinking of all the bad things they could tell me and to focus on the more positive. That is the hardest thing in the whole world for me right now - I am notorious for jumping to the worst case scenarios! Part of me is worried sick that they are going to do exams on me, testing on Aaron, and tell us that there is nothing they can do for me. After this whole year of trying, that would be so disheartening.

Wish us luck - blogger land!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Seriously body - enough is enough

So my neck pain from last week has now been explained and the answer sucks.

I was in so much pain yesterday that I didn't sleep all night but a short nap of about 20 minutes since midnight. I drove Aaron to the airport this morning - he is in Texas until Wednesday night, so we were up at about 4:30 am (I was all ready awake). After that, I went to the ER to see what was going on. My doctor's office wouldn't open until 9 am and it was 6 am, so I figured it was the better route.

The ER doctor looked at the shoulder/neck area (where all the pain is) and saw how the area is swollen, he had me get X-rays done to make sure it wasn't anything else. The X-rays showed that I have arthritis in my shoulder/neck which is what was what was causing the swelling and pain.

They put me on pain medicine, anti-inflammatory meds, as well as a muscle relaxer. I am to rest the rest of today, let the meds work and take it easy. I just want to sleep because I am so tired. The meds haven't made me tired yet but I can barely wait to get some sleep.

I hate having to miss school, especially when it's a super last minute thing. I didn't have sub plans set so I wrote them at 2 am and emailed them to my co-workers. Thank goodness they are great people and helped me out or I would have been screwed. There is no way that I could have gone to school today, the pain was out of this world. I am just hoping that I feel well enough to go to work tomorrow, I would really hate to miss another day this week.

If it's not one thing, it's another...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Waiting on a specialist - because this process isn't waiting enough???

Well the specialist my doctor referred me to does take the insurance but they are considered an out-of-network doctor which means I would have to pay for things out of pocket. Can't do that, I am not a millionaire!

I called my insurance company and had them give me a list of specialists that I can go to that are in-network providers and gave it to my doctor. Now just waiting for the appointment to be set up. Of course that means it won't be in the time frame of the original situation, but something is better than nothing I suppose. The doctor they are going to try to get me an appointment for is the head of reproductive endocrinology at a very reputable hospital in St. Louis, so that makes me very happy!

I am nervous/excited to go and see what they have to say. It's kind of scary, but I am glad that things are going to get moving along in the right direction. We just want a child and at this point, after a year of trying without luck...we are just about up for anything!

It's amazing to me how difficult this stuff can be though. I checked to see if there were any specialists who worked in Illinois and the only ones were in Chicago. I guess they figure it's just closer to go out of state when you live in the rest of Illinois. This isn't going to be a short little commute either, it's 40 miles from my house one way to this doctor, but you got to do what you got to do.

A good friend and her husband are starting the IVF (invitro-fertilization) process and they do not live in a state that requires the insurance to cover fertility treatments so they are going to be paying out of pocket for this to work. It's over $5000 for just the procedure, let alone the medications, dr visits, etc. I can't imagine where we would find that kind of money and we would only be able to do it once - so if it didn't work, we would be out of luck. I am really hoping that it doesn't come down to that. Illinois, thankfully, is a state that requires some fertility coverage by health insurance. We would have to take out a 2nd mortgage on our house just to cover these costs!!

Something I have noticed that I wonder about tremendously is the frequency of infertility in women. You know they say 1 in 4 women can have it, in my school building alone there are 5 of us out of 55 total teachers (1/2 being male). It seems like such a large portion of us. So frustrating. Why can't our bodies just work damnit???? This is what they are designed to do and it makes me so mad that it won't just do its job all ready! After 12 months of trying, I should be talking about morning sickness, sleepiness, and back pain. Oh well, we will get there eventually.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Stupid insurance - why can't you just cover it all?

So I have an appointment with a specialist set up. Here's the issue - according to my insurance website, the specialist that I am being referred to doesn't accept my health insurance. I am trying to get in contact with the office to confirm or deny that because I cannot go to a specialist not covered in my health plan.

ARGH! Stupid insurance...

Monday, October 18, 2010

The good, the bad, and the tired

The past week has been all about running around like a crazy person.

I went to help out friends who were purchasing their new house and needed help getting ready to move. We went to help with painting and moving the furniture. Quite a bunch of work!! I am so happy for them that they are in their new place and can start getting settled, it's been such a long road for them and I couldn't be happier!

I talked to the doctor about things last week after the fun events of the previous weeks. She is referring us to a fertility specialist to start the IUI process (interuterine insemination). I am excited/nervous about this new step in the process. It was a little hard right after I talked to her, it took me a little while to process things are moving in a different direction than we had hoped. After I was able to think about things and talk to Aaron, I felt much better about things. He is really supportive and stands by me no matter what, he wants us to do whatever it takes but he knows that the final decision is with me. He doesn't want me to do anything I don't feel comfortable with and would be fine if I said no, I can't do this and we need to look into adoption. He wouldn't care because he would be more concerned with me and my health than anything else.

I am just trying to get afloat right now at work. It has become quite stressful lately and things have been piling up. I am going to have to stay after to get some things sorted out and organized in order to feel back on track. I do not like having things out of order when it comes to my work - so I am going to have to get on it to help!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Outcome of the bad day

Why was it a bad day? I got a super faint positive pregnancy test on Friday morning and by Friday afternoon, it was starting to fall apart. I had what's called a chemical pregnancy.

What is a chemical pregnancy? A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

It's scary and sad.

We are trying to be as positive as we can given the situation right now. This is the first step we have had in the 12 months of trying. However, it does not diminish how I feel about the situation. I am sad...we were "this close" to things working for us finally and right now I have to let myself deal with those emotions.

I am strongly considering taking this cycle off the fertility meds and coming back to it the following month. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and see what they say.

Friday, October 8, 2010

12th month of trying - here I am.

Officially onto the 12th month of trying. It's a really sad day for me and I am going to make sure to have a drink tonight.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I am angry today

This morning I woke up and took a HPT (home pregnancy test), it was a glaring negative. Almost like it was mocking me. "All those symptoms you have felt, they are all make believe!! HAHAHA!!!" (insert sarcastic voice here)

I know people think I need to just keep going on with the process. I wish it was that easy, right now my brain is saying "Why are you continuing to do this to yourself month after month??"

It makes me so frustrated and I just wish there was something that could make me feel better. Unfortunately, all the kind and supportive words from friends/family don't change the way I feel today. I usually only allow myself one day to be upset before I buck up and pick up the pieces of anger and move along. Tomorrow is a new day and it's a new situation - we will be in our 12th month of trying and that just makes me so sad.

When is it my turn????????????????????

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

It's been awhile!

I am inspired to return to my blog after a hiatus by Sandi.

Putting all those other things about me was difficult and maybe I just needed to let it sit out there for awhile.

Where I stand right now?? 11 months of trying to start a family have really begun to wear me down tremendously. I want off this damn roller coaster.

All of my life I have wanted to be a mother, I never in my life dreamed as a little girl that growing up to have my own children would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have worked 2 jobs while double majoring in college, worked 2 jobs and did graduate school, and worked as special education teacher for 9 years now...all of that is so simple compared to this process.

This infertility issue was one of the main reasons my 1st marriage didn't work out. It changed things between us, both of us changed and I realized we had just grown apart in terms of what we wanted. I don't have to worry about that with Aaron, he just supports me no matter what.

It's not all sunshine and roses to be sure. It's the hardest, most emotional process that I had NO preparation for beforehand. There are months that I am angry at my body and want to know why it doesn't function properly, I get depressed at the idea that I may never have a child of my own, and retreat into my own thoughts WAY too much. These are all things I am aware of and trying to make better.

But some days I just want to be pissed without someone telling me it's going to be okay and that it's going to work out as soon as we stop trying. Really insensitive person???? If it were that easy we would have been pregnant immediately. Unfortunately, without scientific intervention, it will never happen.

I wish there was a better instruction manual for people like me...infertile. You know, somewhere you could look at the index and say "11 months of trying and no success? Go to page 34 and find your answers."

Friday, August 13, 2010

Back to school, back to school

I have been at school the past couple of days getting ready for the new year. It's hard to believe it's this time all ready, the summer was so quick.

Classes start next week and I am not sure what the year is going to hold for me. I love my job, but it's challenging and everyday is a new adventure. I all ready have meetings planned for incoming students and paperwork to write and the school year hasn't even started yet! Such is the life of a special ed teache I suppose.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Hometown trip

Michelle and I took a road trip to the hometown this past week so they could all see the little Mason man. He did great on the nearly 6 hour car trip, slept most of the time.

As we were driving and chatting, I realized that Michelle and I have many things in common. We each were married before and have now found true happiness in our lives. We each have struggled with the act of having a baby - she struggled for year and had miscarriages along the way, we are knee deep in the trials and heartaches of TTC ourselves. We have known each other since we were in elementary school, but I never realized how much I now value her friendship.

Heading home is strange. I don't make it home often anymore, I don't have much reason to go and driving through town reminds me of all the things that have passed in my life. We drove past everything and it was a time warp trip! It's so strange to see how many things change and how many things are exactly the same as they have been for more than a decade. I realized how glad I was to get out of this area though, too many ghosts of past lives for me. I saw places that reminded me of bad times in my life and how grateful I am that I don't have to drive past these all the time. There are things I have shut the door on and I am not going back again.

I found out again while here that we are onto the next month of trying. When is it our turn?

Friday, July 30, 2010

Summer? There was a summer in there?? Where?

I go back to school in about 2 weeks and I am really uncertain where the summer went to so quickly.

I spent quite a bit of the summer working on our house during the day to help make it home. We have pictures hanging on the walls and things feel like home. Unfortunately, I have managed to hurt myself because I wanted it all done so quickly that I over did it by myself. I painted our 2nd bathroom in one day, climbed up on the bathtub to paint into the corners above the shower and by spending hours with my arm above my head, pulled a muscle on my side.

I have also spent lots of time with my friend Michelle and her new baby Mason. He is just the cutest little guy and I am so happy for them. They tried for a very long time to get him and I am so happy for them! He looks just like his daddy born with a full head of blond hair and the longest eyelashes! So cute.

We keep on going with TTC. The Clomid is rough some times. It causes me to be moody and have headaches, not to mention hot flashes all the time! Hot flashes when it's 100 degrees outside must be what it feels like on the inner circle of hell...I can't even imagine what this will be like when I am going through menopause! ICK. My body seems to be responding to it and I am actually ovulating and almost seem to be regular on it, I can count it like clockwork - 31 days from cycle to cycle. However, this means that we are not having success in getting pregnant. We are running out of time on Clomid - this is the 4th month on it and we can only do a maximum of 6...timeline is winding down and we are no closer than we were in April. It's hard to not get so frustrated. My blood work is coming back well, my body is responding to it, but even then we only have a 25% chance of getting pregnant in any given month.

I am seeing how it's affecting Aaron more and more, he has been trying to be my rock for me all this time but I wonder who is he venting to in order to let out the frustration? He doesn't want to do it to me because he doesn't want to add any pressure to what I am going through, but he needs to release it somewhere. I worry that it's just building up and building inside him.

The great thing for me is that I have people who I can vent to do about what I am going through and they will just listen to me. There is no judgment to what we are going through, just support and love. The excitement everyone is going to feel when we have a positive test is going to be amazing.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Family dynamics??

We went to Aaron's family reunion last weekend. They get together every year with the extended family to just be a family. This is completely foreign to me. My family is spread around the country to say the least and getting all of us in the same place is nearly impossible to do.

When I look at his family, I have to admit there is a level of jealousy attached to it. They are so close and always spend holidays with each other and see each other. My family hasn't done that in several years. We are close in some ways - we love each other and would be there if anything was happening. But they just seem so much closer.

I want to have a close family for our children. I think it's important for them to know we are always the soft place to fall without judgment. We are here for them and want them to do whatever they want to do as long as they are happy. I know Aaron and I will be good parents, we want this so much and that child will be so loved.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

College - Fun times and Alcohol! Translation = stupid relationship choices

I had decided long before high school that I wanted to be a teacher and wanted to go to away to college to have the full experience at school. When I received my acceptance letter to my first choice college in fall semester of senior year, I was done looking at where to go.

I loved college! I joined a sorority barely a month into freshmen year and met some of the greatest girls in the world. I had to work part-time on and off-campus to have spending money or pay the bills. As the years went on, I had to include working in local classrooms into my schedule to get experience in the classroom for being a teacher. Again, I loved being busy. I was friends with many guys in a fraternity on campus and really enjoyed spending time with the guys; it was like having a group of brothers looking out for me all the time.

Unfortunately, as many people in college do, I made mistakes in dating people.


I had a relationship that was abusive - emotionally. I stayed in it too long and it nearly turned violent.

He was 4 1/2 years older than me, I thought he was good looking, smart, and a nice guy. It was great at first to have someone pay so much attention to me, I didn't realize at first how bad it was going to become. He made me his entire world, everything revolved around us being together, he wanted a commitment from me almost immediately of the two of us being together forever. He bought me a commitment ring that he always checked to see if I was wearing.

He had a hard time with the fact that I was not in our hometown for college and he couldn't be around me all the time. He would call multiple times a day and if I had talked to other guys even for class related things, he would freak out. "Listen little girl, you don't need to be socializing with those other men. They are only looking to get you in bed and since you are with me, you don't need to hang out with them." When you are 18, it's exciting to have someone dote on you have a level of jealousy that he might lose you...but then it got to be I had to check in with him or he would call me and yell at me.

After just over a year, I became pregnant. I all ready knew that point that I was going to leave him because the idea of being tied to him for the rest of my life was an unbearable thought. He took no responsibility in the situation, he made me tell his parents - I was so scared. The pregnancy came to an end after a few months due in part because of an infection I had and I saw this as my way to escape away from him because I was now convinced that the relationship was going badly.

I finally told him I couldn't be with him anymore. He FREAKED out!! He screamed, swore, threatened to kill himself, he even called my mom and told her she needed to talk some sense into her daughter (Really? He thought she was going to side with him...she HATED him!). When my semester ended and I came home, I had to face him. He yelled in my face, blocked me up against the wall until his parents came in the room pulled him away.

He even went so far as to try to push past my mother into our house when he went over to talk to me (for the 300th time) because he didn't believe that I wasn't actually at home. He would follow me when I would go out with my friends (I stopped driving my car and always had them pick me up). He would show up where we were, we even went so far as to have random guys come over by us because we didn't want to worry about being by ourselves!

What I have learned since leaving this relationship is I am a strong person, who removed myself from a rough situation. All of the actions afterward tell me that I made the right choice because I know it would have become a physically violent relationship.


Hello rebound relationship.

I didn't know it at the time, but he was my rebound from the abusive relationship. He was kind of a bad boy: drove fast sports cars, smoked cigarettes, had tattoos, and seemed so different than the other guys I had know.

We had fun driving in his cars and the sex was great...but real relationship potential???? Nope. I wanted there to be more than there was, but when I returned to school, he cheated on me. He said he wanted sex so he just did it with someone. I don't think he had any way of knowing that I was over the relationship at that point and was really looking forward to some alone time after being in a relationships for the better part of 4 years.


Of the fraternity guys I knew, there was one that was different. I thought he was funny, good looking, smart, and was all ready friends with many of my sorority sisters. We started to spend time together just friendly toward each other, he had just gotten out of a relationship and was looking for someone to go with to his fraternity formal to just have a good time with, so I agreed. We spent time together quite a bit then one night the week before his formal, he kissed me.

From that point forward, we were inseparable and for the next several years he was the one person I wanted to talk to everyday.

However, it was not for us to stay together. I wonder now if we were every truly in love...or if we just thought we were supposed to be. We got married in 2004 and were divorced in 2007. It's amazing what changes you go through from 20 to 26, and I think we fell victim to those changes. Before we knew it, the marriage was over and we just kept going thinking it was going to get better. It never did and I chose to leave because I knew there was more out there for me.

Friday, July 2, 2010

High School - The Best Years of Your Life??? Only in the movies

High school was easy for me academically, I didn’t do much studying but still managed to get good grades. I was very involved in clubs and enjoyed being busy.

I was fortunate enough to be part of the People to People organization which is a branch of the Peace Corps where students are nominated to travel to different countries of the world to learn about the culture. I was nominated and chosen as one of 31 students from my entire county to be able to spend 3 weeks in Australia and New Zealand. Talk about a once in a lifetime opportunity!! It was amazing, I was only 14 years old and was traveling with people who were at the end of their high school lives, so I only talked to a few people in my group. I wouldn't have traded being able to snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef and eating dinner in a Maori temple for anything. I saw some of the most amazing things and I was learning to be on my own.

I had a steady boyfriend for half of junior year and nearly all of senior year. Young love at it’s finest – he was a wrestler and a year younger than me, but I didn’t care. He was gorgeous and he wanted me...for a girl who wore big ole glasses to have a guy like him pay attention to you is amazing. It makes you feel as though you are the most important person in the world.

Being you and na├»ve allows you to think things are different than they are in reality. He was the first person I slept with and we were so careful about not getting pregnant, but with irregular cycles my whole life it was impossible to be 100% careful. I used to worry after every time we slept together that I was going to turn up pregnant, it was borderline paranoia. Little did I know that it didn’t really matter in the long run.

I ignored the signs that he was really a bad boyfriend for me for a long time - he was immature and didn't take nearly anything seriously. His mother HATED me because since I was older than him she thought I should have been the voice of reason...really at 16??? I don't think so! Who has rational and logical thoughts at 16??

The worst part about high school was insecurity...dear me, was I insecure!!! I felt all the time as though he was going to leave me but I think I hide it from him most of the time (little did I know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see and probably didn't hide it as well as I thought I did!). However, he was so immature and when girls really started paying attention to him, his hormones took over. Let's be clear, I didn't know until after we broke up (the 2nd time) just how many people he had cheated on me with...a few during the first round and a few during the second round of dating.

Being cheated on changes you, it's as though someone takes out all of your most intimate thoughts and lays them out for the whole world. EVERYONE knew what was happening and didn't tell me. It really took me a long time to deal with the long-lasting effects of being cheated on. Honestly, I think I am still dealing with it today because it changed me to make me question people when I don't like the way I am being treated - something I never would have done before.

My friends got me through all of this - thank goodness for them. I am still friends with several of them today. I do think it's true that some of the best friends you make happens when you are younger.

If you are lucky enough to still be friends with them into adulthood - hold onto those people, they saw you when you were the biggest idiot of any point in your life!


My name is Christine and I am 29 years old. I live in the Midwest, teach high school special education, and am happily married to a man I nearly didn’t have a chance to meet if it wasn’t for my ex-husband. More on that later – believe me, it’s as complicated as it sounds!

I grew up in Illinois, north of Chicago and just south of the Illinois/Wisconsin border. I came from a single mother home and was the youngest of her 4 children. My older siblings varied in ages from 8 years older, 6 years older, and just over a year older than me. We moved around in the town I grew up in living in 4 different houses over 15+ years I lived there. One of the only things I wanted when I was younger was to have a home of my own with a happy relationship and to have children. I wanted to have a place where my children could always call home, since I had so many homes in my life.

It was a typical Midwestern town I grew up in, still a smaller suburb at the time. My mom was a volunteer firefighter so all the police and firefighters knew me by name and face. Yes, this limited the amount of teenage trouble I got in, but in many ways offered me quite a bit of comfort. I always knew there were people to help in case I needed it and that was helpful.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

My story

I have decided that I need to tell my personal story - not for anyone in particular to read, but because I think it will be therapeutic for me.

They are going to be done in stages and I will edit them as I go until I feel as though they are what I want to say.

I appreciate feedback, but please if you are going to be critical - don't's very personal stuff and I don't need someone else telling me that my choices/decisions are wrong. Circumstances are 99% of decisions - I had to make the choices I did because it was what I thought was the best for me.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

1 year and couldn't be stronger

Today is our 1 year wedding anniversary...amazing to think of all the changes that have happened to us in this year:

1. Started the TTC process - ick to it taking so long
2. Bought our home and started making it our own
3. Grown so much closer together than I thought possible

When I think back to a year ago and where we were in terms of our relationship, we have come so far together.

I am thrilled with my life, he is the most amazing person in the whole world and I am so fortunate to have him be my partner, my friend, and my love. I couldn't have had anyone better with me on this crazy journey and he makes me happy every day.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

This one was crappy

This cycle was just awful to come to a close.

I am in Iowa with my friend who is due any day. Her husband is traveling during the week for his job and I am keeping her company. Don't get me wrong I am thrilled to be here and that I can be here. But, I want this...I want the about to give birth anticipation. When is it going to happen? When do I get to meet the little one I have been nurturing for months? Who do they look like? And being here makes me think about that more and more.

When I woke up this morning with my period again, I have to say that my heart broke just a little. I sat on the chair in her living room and cried. She felt so awful that she got up and came to comfort me. She doesn't know what I am going through and God love her for trying to make me feel better, but she really doesn't know how it feels. She felt so bad that she threw a blanket over her belly so I didn't have to see her 9 month pregnant belly. It's not her fault and I am not angry at her for being pregnant and I am not. I would never want to deny my friend's their happiness in life, I just simply want to know when it's my turn to feel all of those things? It's not a hard question, just one I am not sure when I will have the answer to - 6 months? 1 year? When?

I think this is a sign of things to come, people trying to comfort me without knowing how to and how am I going to deal with this?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

School's Out for the Summer!

School's out!! It's actually been out since Friday, but I had some technology training Monday/Tuesday and was still dealing with my tutoring student and getting her done for the year. That has been a bigger issue than I thought it was going to be...her illness (anorexia/bulimia) has prevented her from really being able to focus on her school work because of her lack of nutrition. I have spent hours with her lately just simply trying to get her to finish up the work for the semester so that my summer can start. She doesn't understand because I am not sure with how advanced her illness is that she can understand, how it has affected my life.

On the other hand, our journey toward being a family is still plugging along slowly. I had my meds upped this month and I thought it was going to kill me! The mood swings were so intense and it just made me feel so funky. We just had a positive ovulation test so now we are in the dreaded waiting window, which I won't know an answer until at least June 9. I will be at my friend Sandi's then because she is due June 14th and I said I would come help her during the time she is unable to do many things for herself. I really hope that we caught the timing just right this month and I don't have to take those meds again!! They were bad news bears on me!! I don't know what I would do without Aaron though, he kept me calm when I felt like a woman on the edge of things. He made me take time for myself when I couldn't think straight and I appreciate that in him so much more than he may know.

My main objective for the summer after I get back from my friend's house is to get the new house in order completely. This is not going to be an easy task but at least I can work on it at my own pace over the summer. I just don't like not knowing where things are and having to search through a million boxes to find anything is really annoying. I know it will get there eventually!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

No Luck on the 1st Try

I went for the blood work and it was a no go this first try.

It was really hard and I was so upset when I found out. Now, I am just ready to move on and start again. I don't really want to keep dwelling on it.

This week has been a rough has been pretty heavy in terms of the amount of stuff to get done, the students are all ready for the end of the year, and honestly, so are the teachers! Now I am just ready to spend the summer getting our house in order, I am very much looking forward to that because then it can feel more like home.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cautiously optimistic!

Well, the Clomid seems to have worked this month!!! WOOHOO!!!

We are now in the dreaded waiting window and I go for blood work on Monday to confirm that I did ovulate and they are going to do a pregnancy test as well. We will see.

The house is moving along slowly, I am not sure at this point if we will ever get everything done or not! Even with it being a new house, there are still issues to deal with many of them are because the house has been sitting empty for so long that things have just got to be adjusted. It will get there eventually, just kind of frustrating in the meantime.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Long time no update

Well we are moved into the house after much drama.

Stupid banking that pushed back our closing to the following Friday, we had to apply for an extension on the contract so we didn't lose the house.

Moving day came and went without too much drama, just me cutting my finger on a chopper blade, then dropping things on my toe to the point I thought I had broken it! We are getting settled, our first trash pick up is this week and it's going to be a big one! We have tons of boxes and trash to go out and I hope our trash people are understanding about it all!

It's so exciting to have our own place for the first time in 2 years, it's nice and quiet. We don't have to worry about bothering someone else or touching someone else's things...what a wonderful feeling! Plus, we just have the space to move around. We had been staying in one room for 2 years so to have a whole house to stretch out in is a little strange, but wonderful.

I had my annual doctor appointment and we are moving forward with the next step in fertility stuff. I started taking the meds last Thursday and have to start testing for ovualation this week just to see if it's going to work at all or if we have to adjust the dosage a little bit. I was pretty happy not to have any side effects aside from one little bout with frustration during the move, but I think that was more move related as opposed to hormone related. I go for follow up blood work a week from Monday to see if it did in fact work this month. I am not going to hold my breath that it did until the bloodwork confirms it!

Okay, I think that catches me up...we don't have the internet at home yet, so I can only update at work, but I am going to try to get better about writing more. I think it's a really good thing for me!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My level of frustration hit a new high last night…I officially had my first meltdown due to the house and TTC.

My life has been so incredibly hectic lately, I barely feel like I am coming and going in all directions pretty much round the clock. I have a really insane workload at school, private tutoring with lots of work going on everyday, basically another full time job with the mortgage process, then to get the news from the doctor on Monday – I just couldn’t handle anymore…then my mother decided to lay a guilt trip on me.

REALLY??? Right now???

I don’t have any energy to tip toe through someone else’s ego. I realize that she needs help and that she wants me to be there for her, but what she wants I cannot provide right now. I have tried to include her in the things with the house, but that doesn’t seem to matter whatsoever. I am busy – scheduled long hours many of the days of the week with tutoring and my work, plus the work with the mortgage and trying to fit in some fun with friends to keep me from being a huge pain in the butt. She gives me no notice when she wants me to do things with her and it doesn’t seem to matter at all.

I broke down and cried for about 20 minutes straight. I begged Aaron to talk to the mortgage people today instead of me because I needed a break so badly. He is going to work on his lunch break and right after he gets done with work to see what needs to be done. I just need a day.

The medicine that the doctor put me is making me kind of crazy. I had taken it before and it took me about 2 weeks to get adjusted to it. It makes me tired and I have a constant upset stomach – so that is not helping how I feel right now. I know that it will get better and I know it’s for the best possible cause. Aaron is having a hard time with me being under the weather with the meds because he hates to see me not feeling well at all. He wants to help so he gets me Tums and rubs my back when my stress levels hit a high point.

I will be so grateful when it is April 9th, at the closing and being handed the keys to our home. I cannot wait!!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Took a break from blogging

I took a few week break from blogging as I have turned my attention to get this mortgage process done with! We are almost there and it couldn't happen sooner.

In terms of TTC, I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual exam and we had a long talk. I have been trying to lose weight since the IUD was taken out in December and since then, I have only dropped about 2 pounds!!! Talk about frustration. We decided that I was going to go back on Metformin again to help and then going to Clomid to help with ovulation. I am going to get blood work done on Thursday to make sure nothing has changed since the last time I had the whole spectrum done.

I came home from the appointment with some answers, but many more questions.

Someday, this will happen.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

We Got the House!!

We found out tonight that our bid was accepted on the house! We are so excited we can hardly handle it!


We are meeting tonight to sign the contract and get information to get the inspection scheduled. There are so many things that will need to get done, but it's so excitingly wonderful that we are all right with the amount of work to get done!

I can still hardly believe it, I think I am in shock over the whole things, we could close in a little over a month from now. After that, we can start painting the house before we move in, measuring for the new furniture, and starting to plan out where things are going to go in the house. It's amazing how many things that need to get done in about a month.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

We have had our offer accepted, still have to wait until Tuesday

We found out today that our bid was accepted!!! We are currently the secondary bidder on the house and just have to wait until Tuesday to find if we are the winner of the house!!!


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Update on house post

I called the lady, she was going to look into it and let me know. We made a tentative meeting for Friday for us to get together and put a bid in on the house!

WOOHOO!!! One day closer to getting it done.

No news is good news, right????

Well we haven't heard anything yet about that house to the positive or the negative...what the hell???

Give me something real estate lady, this waiting is killing me!

Okay, I am not always the most patient person when comes to certain things, like this in particular. There are many things in my life that I have no issues taking my time or having things more slowly. But now, after 2 years of living in one room...I WANT OUT!!!! My patience for these things has been completely depleted and all I want is space to spread out.

Aaron's mother says that we make our own luck in our relationship and I am really hoping that holds true now. This is when we need the luck more than ever!

I think anyone in my shoes may feel the same way, we have been married for over 8 months, been living with a roommate since April of 2008 (granted it has helped us save some serious money) and it's just time for us to have our own place to begin our life/family! Yes, I said Aaron and I would like to really begin the process of starting our family together (being 29 and 30 why wait???).

There are so many things happening at the same time and it's exciting/scary/nerve-wrecking/anxious-ridden time in our life, but honestly, I would not change it for anything.

I am going to call her today to see if we can set up a time to put in a bid for when this other contract expires, so we can get in immediately and get it taken care of ASAP. We talked about what we would be willing to start as our 1st bid last night, just get ourselves ready for it. Staying positive is so hard right now when the days seem to drag on FOREVER and nothing seems to be moving forward at all.  I am ready to sign on the dotted line and get the keys to our new home.

We are going to be looking at some other houses this weekend because we will not have an answer for certain until at least Monday, so we may as well keep going until we get to the point that we know something for certain. The ones on Saturday are on our okay list, but there are a few on Sunday that are in our top 5 picks...

Somewhere in there amongst all of these is our home: where we will live for a long time, raise our children, share holidays/birthdays/BBQs. It's an adventure for us and I cannot wait! (Can you tell??)

Saturday, February 27, 2010


We went today to look at a house that was at the top of Aaron's "look at" list. It was AMAZING!!! It was absolutely perfect and I really, really want to put a bid in on this house.

The problem: someone has a contract in on it that expires on 3/8/10, but they are trying to get financed.

We are hoping to use this to our favor though because we are pre-approved for a loan all ready so our financing is set. We just need to wait now until we can see what is going to happen with this house. We are looking at 8 houses next weekend, so we will just have to see what happens.

It's hard though because we have been looking through houses for such a long time now. Yet, people seem to think that we are letting ourselves get too excited too's irritating. We have done hours of work before really looking at houses to get ourselves ready for the house searching process. We started with a list of 30+ houses and narrowed it down, then narrowed it down again, we then looked at those houses and narrowed it down to the top 10 houses to go to see in person.

We are very excited about this and want to be happy with even starting the process and really want other people to get behind us instead of having all kinds of questions that makes us second guess ourselves.

This is so frustrating...I just want to be in our home.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

The work week that will not die!!

This week has been insanely long...I haven't had so much do to (which is surprising) but it has just been dragging its feet to get done with and I am 100% over it. I got caught up on all my grading and updated the online grades for the kids, and made lesson plans through the end of this week. That's enough for now.

We have an appointment on Saturday to look at the house Aaron loves, we are going to an open house on Sunday for a house we were interested in, and an appointment to see 3 houses next weekend. The process has become more real now than it has been before!! I am so excited to get it moving along and be in our home. I feel like it has been such a long time in the making and I don't think I will not feel comfortable with the process until we have actually closed on a house and have the keys!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Master List of "To See" Houses

Aaron and I sat down tonight and made up a list from the general list that I came up with for houses. We looked at each house online and wrote down the positives and negatives, then made up a list of the ones we wanted to look at in more detail.

Now we have them grouped by city so we can set up showings by city. Starting the process this weekend with the shortest list and we will see how it goes. Unfortunately, one of the houses we are planning to see is one we really have lots of interest in but it's listed as under contract waiting for financing until 2 weeks from now. Aaron REALLY has his heart set on this one and I am hoping that the other contract falls through.

3 hours of homework on houses tonight and my head is officially exhausted now. Heading to bed!

Headache and Work Load

I am having a terrible headache kind of day. I woke up feeling as though there was a house sitting on my forehead...took some migraine meds and tried to move on with the day. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

Of course this is my busy day and I feel like this...great. Come on 4 pm (post-tutoring) so I can head home.

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EDIT: at 12:20 pm

The medicine wore off too quickly and all I want to do is crawl in a hole where it is dark to let my head rest. GRRR!! Stupid flourescent lights in the school buildings that makes it so much worse.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Open house and the overwhelming anxiety has officially kicked in

Aaron and I went to look at a house today that I had found months ago on the internet. I LOVED it! It's way more of a house than we should be able to afford in our budget, it's not perfect by any means.

Aaron on the other hand has some reservations...not deal-breaker reservations, just enough to want to look at more houses. I agree with that, we are just starting our search for our new home so getting settled on one place is setting ourselves up for frustration. I am going to make some appointments for next weekend to see some more houses, I just hope it doesn't take us too long to find what we want.

After we got home, the overwhelming responsibility hit me like the Wicked Witch got a house dropped on her. I know that I am one of those people who always jumps to the worst-case scenario to deal with things before I can think more rationally. I am aware of this and know that I do this, but it is tough for Aaron to watch me be upset. He does not like to see me feel like that, but he has learned that it's part of my process to get to a good spot with whatever it is.

I just want to know that we can do this, I have fear happening which is not normally an emotion for me. Aaron said he felt the same way before they bought this house, but it worked out just fine. He kept telling me that everything would be great and get done, we just have to be patient with the unknown variables that we have in the situation. Hopefully things get some sort of momentum here in the not terribly distant future, I am so bad at the waiting game!!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Now temping/Charting

I talked to my doctor's office yesterday (on my lunch break from jury duty..ick) about setting up my yearly exam. I told them about how we are TTC but are uncertain about the timing of everything due to the funky cycles I had before the IUD. They told me that I need to start temping/charting until my appointment in March so we have some data to look at to figure it out if it hasn't happened by that point.

Ick....this was what we didn't want to do, get all stressed and regimental about it. I know that it works for many people but I was hoping not to have to do it. Unfortunately, she is right and it will help us figure it out.

I really hope this month goes better than last month although we are aware that it may take multiple cycles for us to get pregnant. One can hope though!