Monday, March 28, 2011

Spring break with snow

My school district did a long weekend rather than a week long spring break this year, today is the last day of it and tomorrow is back to school. While it's been nice to have a little bit of extra time to myself, I have to say that the snow at the end of March that came on Friday and Saturday could have stayed away.

I finished my next round of medicine on Friday and we are looking April 4-6 as the approximate time frame for the next procedure. At least now we know that my body responds to Femara approximately the same way that it did with Clomid. That's sort of comforting because that means I may be able to save myself from having to do injectable medicines in place of the Femara. I hope that we don't get to that point because I really don't have to have to give myself injections everyday for it to work. However, if we get to the IVF stage, I guess I will just have to suck it up and deal with it at that point. Ick. I have visions of forcing myself to do it and being incredibly nervous the first few times, or worse having Aaron give them to me. I think he would have a really hard time with that part if it comes to that.

We are working on being more positive about things even aside from the approximate 2 weeks we are waiting to see if the procedure worked or not. This is so much easier said than actually done as many things in this stupid process seem to be. I am working on not focusing on the negative aspects (ie. side effects of meds, lack of sleep, etc) that can come before the procedures themselves. Unfortunately, the mind wanders too much for its own good and I jump around. When people would ask about it all this week knowing that I had just finished the medicine, we were more positive saying we were preparing ourselves for another round of the IUI. Other times, we might have just gone on and on about the terrible side effects that I have experienced.

That doesn't mean I don't have any side effects, in fact the opposite is true. The second month I was on Clomid was much worse than the first and the same is true of Femara. The first month wasn't too bad, but this month was rough. I had much worse nighttime sweats, my hands and feet were swollen (apparently a very common side effect that I was not aware of and when it happened, I thought I was going to need to cut my wedding ring off my hand because it was hurting!!) as well the headaches. I know all of it will be worth it in the end and that when I am actually pregnant so many other afflictions will be present, but man sometimes I felt like I was standing in the inner circle of Dante's Inferno and couldn't even handle being in clothes! Overshare? Maybe...but an unfortunate reality of side effects.

My RE joked with me that after all that we have been through with trying to get pregnant, I should be in for an easier time of actually being pregnant. One can hope that's true! Between the emotionally and physically draining time spent on this and just the amount of time it has gone one - bring on the morning sickness, swollen feet, stretch marks, strange food cravings, and indigestion! I am ready for it.

Well, tomorrow is back to the grind of work and the chaos that comes with the 4th quarter of being a schoolteacher and the sooner we get through it, the sooner summer is here and I can't wait!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Depression Eating

I have been known a time or two to eat while depressed/stressed and now is not an exception to this rule. It's really not good for me to do it since it's so difficult to lose any weight that I may gain right now. The fun of PCOS is how tough it is to lose weight and with all the ups and downs of the past week, I found solace in food.

I need to stop doing that. Food isn't going to make a baby stay in my body, food isn't going to keep me appealing to my husband so we can even try to have a baby, food isn't going to make a blood test show a positive finally.

So knowing all of that, why do I continue to do it? Comfort, nope - not comfortable to feel bloated after eating too much. Happiness, nope - often feeling even more sad after eating because I know better than to do it.

I do it because it's what I have always done. You know the old saying "Do what you have always done and you will get what you always get." Apparently I need to re-evaluate what I am doing and try to find a better way to deal with the emotions rather than just sitting down to eat. Easier said than done - for sure! It's really tough to undo over 30 years of this same behavior and I am going to fail at it more often than I succeed until I can get my brain to realize that's not a good idea.

It's difficult not to get down under the stress and strain of it all and there are more times than not that I just give in because it's easier than fighting. This does not make me think well of myself and the cycle continues. I need to find more positive things that make me happy and when I am sad, do those instead. Again, easier said than done. I am just free-floating in a sea of emotions and I need a life raft to pull me out of it. I know I can't let the depression/stress get to me, I know I am stronger than it because I have shown that before. I just need to get myself back on track and start again.

Damn this whole process and its emotions.

I thought I had a good handle on things until I decided to begin this and this is where I am now. Do other people feel this way? Is it just me? Sometimes it feels like weight of the world all pushing down on my shoulders. But I know I have to be strong, actually stronger than I have ever been before as a way to push through it...but where does energy come from?? Can I go to the store and buy it? Is there somewhere to find it? Nope, I just have to work on finding it inside of me and that's one of the most difficult parts of the whole TTC process and the longer you are in it, the more weight (literally and figuratively) it feels like you are carrying.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking today. Maybe I just need to let myself wallow in the frustration and eat knowing I will get back on track. Too many unknowns and it will be a minute to minute struggle.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

My life in a quote

"I'm stronger because of my hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, happier because of my sad experiences, and smarter because of my moments of confusion"

Saturday, March 19, 2011

5 stages of TTC (grief process)

Well as of this morning, we are officially onto month 18. This week was really hard for both me and Aaron separately. Thursday was my day, yesterday was Aaron's day to struggle.

We have the next round of medication to get ready for the next IUI which will be at the beginning of April. We are just working hard at moving on, but it's like a grieving process:

1. Denial - this can't be happening to me, we still have a chance

2. Anger - I am pissed why can't we be given our dream?

3. Bargaining - please God, allow us to have a baby?

4. Depression - sadness over having to move onto the new month

5. Acceptance - time to prepare for the next month

Yes these are the clinical stages of grief but they completely apply to going through the monthly up and downs that come into play with infertility issues. Everyone has to go through these stages at their own pace and it will be difficult to deal with. The problem I had this week was that everyone seemed to want me to jump right to step #5 without allowing me to go through steps #1-4. I know that I would get to the acceptance stage, but for me one of the hardest steps to get through is the anger and sometimes I need to be there for awhile before moving past.

We are working forward more backwards thinking. Aaron and I talked about it at great length the other day - we are not going to stop the IUI process until we jump to IVF if necessary. My body reacted terribly when I went off the hormones last time, I became very sick and my immune system went crazy. I am not going to do that again. We will continue to just go through this until the summer time when we can jump to IVF without really disrupting my work schedule. It's the right thing to do.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Pretty sure we go onto 18 months now

Well, I took 2 tests this morning: 1 was clearly only 1 line, the other was digital and said "not pregnant" clear as bell. My heart literally sank into my toes. I sat down in the shower and cried for probably 10 straight minutes. This was our best option up to this point and still we get nothing.

I know it's a new procedure, it's a new medicine, blah blah blah...that doesn't change how much it hurts right now. Month after month, we put everything out there, do everything we can and for some reason, nothing works for us. I have to continue to pick myself up (as in the morning, off the floor) and get motivated for a new month and every month that goes by becomes more and more of struggle.

Is this some cruel test from God? How long can you endure the struggle without coming completely unglued? Let's see how much strength you actually have deep down inside by testing every part of your life.

YES - I know I should be grateful for a great marriage, wonderful and support friends/family. YES - I know I should be grateful that I have a job that I love. YES - I should be grateful that I have a home that belongs to us and we have some extra money in the bank. I am abundantly aware of all of these things, but right now...I just want to curl into a ball on the floor and cry.

I have to give myself time to be upset or I will never deal with it - I have been known to just push it down inside deep and that's not healthy. I have been working really hard on myself through all of this to not do this anymore, that's part of the reason I started this blog in the first place. It gives me an opportunity to put out my feelings and just deal with them - somehow it's become one of my saving graces as we go further and further in this process.

We want to be parents...why do kids who have sex one time have a better chance of getting pregnant than me???? We are good people, we have a loving and adoring marriage, we will love a child and that child will not be taken for granted at all and loved immensely. Please God, allow us this in our lives.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The longest 2 weeks ever!

Here we are just about 1 week into the longest 2 weeks I think we have had since we started this journey.

Other months, we kind of knew it wasn't going to work and therefore the wait wasn't too bad. This month with the best odds we have had, the wait is painfully slow. Everyday seems to be an eternity and the date of testing seems like 3 more weeks from now.

I would normally consider myself a patient person, until we started trying to have a family. With this, I am NOT a patient person and I am kind of disturbed by the change in my own personality. I have found myself to be much more short-tempered in all aspects of my life as we go through this and I wonder if that has anything to do with just being distracted all the time.

Let's be serious, when in your life do you need to know this much about your body? Basal body temperatures, cervical mucus, cramping, + or - ovulation tests, sex every other day (some go with the everyday but my RE said every other day is the way to go). It is just too much information about myself, and I live in me everyday!

I cannot wait until I am not spending all of my time tracking these things - it's annoying and takes up a ton of time.

Tomorrow I go for the progesterone test before school - let's hope it's high enough I don't have to go on a supplement (on top of the other meds I am taking!)

Friday, March 4, 2011

Now we wait!

We had the procedure this morning and it went very well.

The whole actual time we were in with the doctor was about 15 minutes. Most of the time we were there was waiting for them to clean and wash Aaron's contribution to the procedure. The procedure itself didn't hurt at all, and only took about 5 minutes.

I go in next Friday for a blood test to see how my hormones are doing then the end of the next week, we start testing to see if it's positive. We will see!

It's going to be hard not to over-analyze all the feelings that I will experience in the next 2 weeks :-(

Thursday, March 3, 2011

YES! IUI Time!

I got a positive OPT today:

I called the RE today and got us set up for tomorrow morning for the procedure!! So excited! So unbelievably excited!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The anticipation is killing me

I am so ready to know when this all is going to happen. It is about killing me to know that it could be any day. It is hard to understand how these last few days have been harder than any other part of the waiting. I think it comes with knowing I am so close to it, every second takes an eternity to pass. I am just on pins and needles waiting to know.

It is often a struggle not to let all of these ideas not run through my mind all the time. Of course, it's one of the busiest weeks for my work and I have been trying to focus my attention there to help pass the time. However, it is always there stuck in the back of my mind.

Amazing how a little piece of plastic showing me a smiley face or an empty circle occupies my mind...I hate how strong of a pull that stupid little ovulation test has on me.

I am ready to be on the road to the next step.