Sunday, February 27, 2011

Nervous/Excited - All emotions at the same time

Well this is it, the week we have been waiting for - it should be IUI week.

I am so nervous and excited I can hardly even stand it. I am excited because this week could change our lives forever in the best possible way. We have been working so hard to get to this point with everything - the doctors, the blood tests, the unbelievably uncomfortable procedures, the detailed personal and medical history we have discussed with people who were perfect strangers at the time, the emotional ups and downs for the last several months. It will be great to have something positive come from all of that. The nervousness is the bit of fear that it won't work and we will have to go onto the next phase of this all. Both of us are scared but trying to be positive and focus on what we can be in control of this week and leave the rest up to fate. We know we have done all we can to make this go as well as possible. I have been on vitamins and the stupid medicine that makes me sick in hopes of preparing my body for it as best we can, I have watched what I eat, exercised, meditated on my own personal shortcomings, and stayed as connected to my husband as anyone could.

BUT, we have a plan for what to do next just in case this isn't the way for us and we are confident in what the doctor's are telling us, so we have to continue to believe in that. We are going to be a family of more than just the two of us in some capacity, we just have to find the right path to get there. Man, I wish this all came with an instruction manual that told us how much this was going to suck each month, how many times a person typically has a mental breakdown with the stress of it all, and how to keep going when it's all dark and scary. There have been times in this process that I have wanted to give up and say this is just not going to happen for us - but that isn't what either of us really want. Ever since we have been together, we always knew that we were going to be parents, it's been a dream of mine since I was little. It's been a goal that has never disappeared or been put on the back burner. Sometimes now I wish we had started right after we got married instead of waiting 6 months, but all that does is cause me to think about what would have been. That will get me nowhere closer toward the goal ahead of us.

Something that goes without saying through all of this is the amazing amount of strength and character in the man I married. He amazes me everyday at his ability to see through all B.S. and keep going on without even flinching at the next step. He is my rock and one of the only reasons I have not become a crazy person in this lengthy process. It is one thing to know there is going to be issues with having a family, it is entirely a separate reality to be faced with. It is not easy for him (although he would tell you that I carry most of the burden on myself even though he would do it for me if possible) to watch me struggle with all of this month after month. It literally pains him to see me go through this emotional stress and that is amazing to me. It is amazing that someone can care so much and deeply about things, that he loves and believes in us so much - this literally carries us through all the crap we have gone through.

I am not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing support in my life, a great man, a wonderful friend and son, not to mention my best friend and love I never knew I could have, but I will say thank you until I take my last breath that he is here with me.

Please IUI - work and make our dreams come true finally.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Really sad today

Well just when I thought it was safe to be friends with someone...BAM! Not so fast.

I had recently rekindled a friendship with a person I met in college, she was a good friend to me then. However, she did not understand when I began dating an ex because she thought the situation was not good. We talked then and came to the understanding that we were just going to go along without being friends anymore. It was tough but all right because everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Now, when I got divorced we became friends again through social networking (isn't that very 21st century?) and I thought things were all right. We don't live near each other and haven't in a good number of years, but I thought we had made peace with the past and were starting from here catching up on the years that were lost in between. Needless to say, I found out today that she in fact has harbored hostile feelings toward me for all this time. I was furious, mainly because I thought we had moved past all of that and were moving in a new direction...apparently not. The worst part for me is finding out through mutual friends that this is what the REAL story was, that just makes me even more furious because I had been honest with her.

Last time I checked, we are 30 years old...not small children who have to fight and lie to one another.

I was angry but I took the coward's way out...I sent her an email. It wasn't nice and all "I forgive you" it was "I am hurt that after all this time you didn't think it was something I needed to know." I cannot continue to invest my time with someone who is angry at me for something that happened a decade ago. I don't have time for that kind of nonsense in my life right now. So I ended the re-kindled friendship.

It makes me so angry because it's so childish to act this way. I have pity for them because they do not know what it's really like to know what a friendship can be like with honest and open communication. I hope someday they grow up and realize that there are more important things in live aside from holding onto grudges. Especially ones like this.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Femara = nothing compared to Clomid

Well I have one more dose of Femara to take this month in prep for our first IUI hopefully sometimes next week! I have to say that compared to the side effects I had on Clomid, this has been nothing. I have had a little headache (had one on Clomid for days after I was done) and been sleepy but restless sleepy...that's it.

Now we wait to see how long it is going to take my body to respond to it, this month is really a guessing game because it's a new medicine and my body can be funky anyway. I start using the OPT (ovulation tests) on Thursday and as soon as we have a positive, we are heading to the RE's office for the procedure!! I can't wait, it's been such a journey just to get here, I know it's not a guarantee (in this process, the only guarantee is that things will not be how you planned them to be - they definitely have their own course plotted out) but it's better than our chances have been up until now. I can't help but be excited about it.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Positives and Negatives

I will start with the good stuff:

I finally got my period after 51 days since the last one!! I called the RE this morning to get the prescription called in for the new fertility meds and I am ready go right now! We are looking at the first week of March for the IUI and it cannot come quickly enough.

Okay the bad stuff:

My mom called me last night and told me she had been in the hospital for the past 6 days. I didn't know anything about it until she called. Apparently her potassium levels were so low (less 2, which less than 5 is a scary place to be), she had to be put on a ventilator for a few days (she was not so clear on how long) in the ICU and had to have her hands restrained so she didn't pull out the tube. She has had a few blood transfusions as well as multiple IV potassium bags to try to get her levels up out of the extra scary zone. She is due to be released from the hospital today.

All of this happened and I wasn't called or informed by my brother (with whom she lives with at the moment) because she told him not call anyone in the family to let them know what is going on with her. After everything I have done for her in the past several years: running her to the doctors, sitting in ERs, taking her grocery shopping, helping her clean her house, talking to her doctors when she wasn't able to do so, etc...I am not important enough to be given a courtesy call about her being intensive care???? That is B.S. to me and it makes me so angry that I can hardly see straight.

I am really afraid that I am going to get a phone call that her heart has just given out and she died of heart failure with no notice to anything. Her heart has had serious issues since she had the heart attack in 1995 and every time they are much worse than the one before. Eventually her luck of getting better is going to run out. I am not going to have a chance to say good-bye before it happens if things keep progressing the way they are right now. Makes me so sad and angry.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day

Aaron and I were finally able to spend time together today for the first time just the two of us in weeks. His job has been rough lately and he has been working tons of overtime which has made it tough.

He surprised me with beautiful pink roses last night because he knows how much I love them. Today, he took me out to lunch and shopping, we then came home and watched one of our favorite shows. It's the perfect way for us to spend the day together! We may not be the most romantic sometimes, but we are true to ourselves!

We are waiting for my period to show up so we can start the new fertility meds. It has been such a long time since we have been able to try that we can hardly stand it anymore. The waiting game has been so hard and emotional, I cry when I think about it...what a tough journey.

By this time next year, we will hopefully have a little one to celebrate their first Valentine's Day...I really do hope so, it's been a long dream for us and I think I will be so overwhelmed by emotions when we get the good news.
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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

3 Snow Days = a little insanity

After 2 1/2 days of being in the house, I am starting to lose my mind. The Provera is causing me a headache which it has done in the past and that isn't helping the situation.