Saturday, January 29, 2011

Relationships - gut-checking realizations

I have spent some time today thinking about the friendships/relationships in my life. Just today, 2 people that I was once very close with have gotten married and I wonder, am I sad that I wasn't there?

The honest answer is yes/no.

I will start with the easy one - yes. Yes, I am sad that I am not there to be part of their special day, to see the joy that comes on the wedding day and experience the love they feel. That's what weddings are about - sharing in the obvious joy that two people feel for one another. I am happy for them if this is what they want in their lives and I don't wish them one second of ill will about their marriages.

The trickier answer for me is the no. No, I am not sad that I am not there because there were serious issues in both relationships that could not be mended through the fault of one person or the other. There is a reason we are not close anymore, maybe it was me, maybe it was them, or maybe it was chemistry of the friendship together that made it not work.

This got me thinking - about people I have been friends with forever, people whom I have known a few years, those I have met just recently, and those who are no longer part of my life. All of these people are in my life for whatever length of time it may be for a reason. Do I know why? Maybe. Do I want to find out why? Maybe. Is it the most important thing? No.

But as I look back on my friendships and relationships in my life (very pensive for 30 - isn't it???) I have decided that all of them have helped me be the person I am today. They may have only been there for awhile but there was some reason we connected. I think some relationships are not supposed to be stationary - they move like ocean currents in short changing burst. Some are there for the long haul - as in my friends I have known since before high school or my good friends from college.

When I was getting divorced nearly 4 years ago (my God, where did the time go?) I had some people in my life who helped me through it by being supportive. Many of them I am not longer in communication with for various reasons but they were completely instrumental in my survival of that situation. I will never throw away the pictures or things from that time even though they are no longer part of my present life. I cannot bring myself to do it because they were important to me (sentimental - I am a scorpio at heart after all).

But, the issue I have is that no one wants to think of themselves as the person who is constantly changing friends - that leads me to believe they don't really know themselves well enough to know they can handle being alone. It took me a long time and gone through much emotion to find out that I am okay with being friends with people for whatever length of time I am and just being happy with it. Yes, I wish I do wish things could have been different, but I refuse to live my life with regret. I am just taking it at a growing up lesson and trying to make sure the relationships I do have that are important to me don't fall into the category of ones in my past.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Here I am, sitting in another doctor's office...what has my life come to anymore? Waiting in small white rooms for doctors and having to explain everything we are dealing with over and over again? ARGH!!!! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!!!!

We have somehow managed to make to the end of January without going off the deep end with impatience to get to the IUI next month. A miracle to be sure, let's get it going all ready. I can call tomorrow to get Provera and then it's a little more than a week til the new meds and then it's back to make a baby time! After not being able to do anything since October, this all can't come quickly enough.

I know that many things are hurry up to wait but DAMN this is a bit insane!!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Not much to say...unusual

The title just says it all...this waiting is still the same as it has been since October. You would think it would get easier, but it doesn't.

Come on February, I need you!!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Monday, January 17, 2011

Day off = productivity town!

I decided that having a day off to do things around the house meant I should make good use of it.

We have been so busy with everything lately that we haven't done a major cleaning since right before Christmas, our laundry has piled up, the carpet was in terrible shape, and just general stuff needed to be done. I spent the better part of the day cleaning like a mad woman!

Now we need to get to the point where we stay on top of things a little better. I actually think it helped me get my mind off of things lately. I forget sometimes that tasks like that are good for the soul, they are not requiring of anything besides manual labor and take the mind off things.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Vegas baby!

Patience is a virtue...

A terrible thing to deal with is more accurate for me.

I feel like all I do is hurry up, wait...repeat.

Aaron and I have decided that we are going to take a little long weekend vacation this year for our anniversary (2 years in June). We spent some time figuring it out and decided that we would like to go to Las Vegas. Neither of us have been there before and it's some place we can go that isn't going to cost us a small fortune to fly to unlike other places. We looked into alternatives and I think this is going to be the winner. Now it's something to look forward to at the end of May (we are going to go Memorial Day weekend because then Aaron only has to take off 1 day of work just in case we get pregnant in the next few months - he can save a week of his vacation time for then).

It's something to take my mind off all the other business going on. My graduate classes will fill the time between now and May for certain with the work that has to be done. I am glad that I decided to take classes right now because it is keeping my mind focused, it's helping my career, and advancing my paycheck...a win, win in my book!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Why can't people understand?

I do not like that people keep telling me that waiting is not that big of a deal. That bothers me quite a bit.

I would never wish these people to go through what I have in the last year, to have to put their bodies through the medicines (which is nasty and causes terrible side effects), the blood tests, the invasive procedures. But most of all, I would never wish for them to go through the emotional battle that it can be every month.

Each month has started the same, getting your period. This is usually a day filled with mixed emotions because have lost another month trying but you have a fresh start for the new month. (I tended to cry on this day from the over run of hormones and frustration). Possibly take fertility medicine which makes you feel like a psychopath and make you exhausted. After that, it's waiting to ovulate. Depending on how it goes, it can be weeks to go before then. Then it's time to make some magic - lots of sex for days (some go with the every other day or there is the every day option). Then, comes the worst and most difficult time to survive - the wait to see if you are going to get your period again. During this time, every emotion you can go through runs through your head. Not only that but every sneeze, minor pain, headache, etc becomes a possibly pregnancy symptom or clue. Starting to test with home pregnancy tests DAYS before you actually should in the hopes this is the month.

Now go through this for 15 cycles and tell me that waiting 2 more months isn't a big deal.

I know sensitivity is a lost art sometimes, but damn - cut a girl a break and allow me to be pissed that it's been pushed back again. We have been on a forced 4 months hiatus and that SUCKS!!!

Yes, it is giving my body some time to relax. Yes, it is allowing the doctor to make sure our path is the right one. What it isn't doing is allowing me some relief from the stress and anxiety has started to overtake my life from the emotional toll it has taken. What else it isn't doing is making it easy to maintain hope and faith in the process. Not when people all around me are getting pregnant left and right. Not when people have started trying, gotten pregnant, AND given birth since we have been trying.

I know there are many people who are incredibly supportive of us and I could not be more grateful for them. These are the people who keep me from getting lost in the shuffle of it all; they are the ones who help me when my day is so bad I just want to crawl into the fetal position and cry for hours at a time; they are the ones who pick me up month after month when I do crawl into the fetal position and cry when my stupid period shows up again.

All Aaron and I want to do is become parents, it's the American dream. We have the great marriage, we have the house of our dreams, and good jobs (even though Aaron wishes he was doing something in the computer field)...the only thing we have been waiting to do is to become parents.

So to conclude - if I am having a bad day and am complaining about how crappy all of this is, please give me a small break. The amount of strain I am under just with this is so much more overwhelming than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I am still learning how to deal with it, and many days I don't succeed at it very well.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hello February - I hope you are good to me

Well I just heard from the doctor and I am not happy about the news.

My blood work came back normal, which is good (they were testing a few hormones), is now too late in the cycle to start the meds. I am to call if I do not have my period by cd 35 and they will call in Provera again at that time. Then once that period has arrived, I can start the meds to have an IUI that cycle.


Today (Jan 3) = cd 9
Jan. 29 = cd 35
Approx 12 days after that for period = Feb 14
Start new meds = Feb 16
Approx IUI = Feb 22-Feb 25

I am so not happy at all!! There is nothing I can do about it, but it still sucks.