Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I feel like crud

Well I am pretty sure that my body is angry at me. Months of fertility shots and all the procedures, I am fairly certain that is fighting me back...hard.

I started my period after coming off the progesterone and it is seriously kicking my butt. I feel like this is a terrible period and it seems like the my body is punishing me with the worst period I can remember. It's awful and I want the pain to go away.

This sucks.

It is just a huge reminder of what I had and what is now gone. It feels like a cruel joke.

We had our dream and then it was gone just as quickly. I am sad, angry, frustrated, defeated, and just wanting to have it all go back to being positive again before it was all gone in an instant.

I miss my mom right now so much. I can barely even think about her without starting to cry right now because it's just not fair that she is not here with me as I am going through all of this. I know she is watching, but it is not the same as her being here with me to talk me through all the pain I am feeling right now. There isn't going to be a way to make that pain go away and it hurts so much.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

And now we heal...

Well, now it's time to heal up...how long is that going to take?

Aaron and I went out last night to have a dinner just the two of us. It was nice to have some time just us after this crazy week that we somehow managed to get through. This week was about surviving and that's what we did, we survived.

Now comes healing and time to be able to move forward.

We have to deal with this in our own time and feel as though it's time to move on when that feels good.

I am not sure that we would have made it through this week without friends and family supporting us. It was important to know we had support because this is hard. It hurts tremendously and I know that eventually, I will feel better about things with time passing by.

Thursday, August 23, 2012


Well - we officially had an early miscarriage.

Last Thursday, we had a positive POAS and again on Friday/Saturday. This was after we had negative tests Monday and Tuesday so we were of course thrilled.

We told our families knowing either way we would need them. They were so excited and elated for us - it was amazing that our dream had come true. We looked like a couple of overly-happily dopes for a few days.

As the day of my blood test approached, I was excited so I took another test on Monday. Really, it was for the joy of seeing a positive after 3 years of trying.

Much to my shock, it was negative. I woke Aaron up and we just sat on the bathroom floor and cried.

Tuesday was the same and I knew it was an early miscarriage.

Still nothing prepared me for the call from the doctor. She said the blood test was positive but the number was on the really low side of positive. A positive is above 5 on the HCG level, I had a 13. This meant there was a good chance of an early miscarriage and they wanted me to come in to repeat the test in 2 days to see what the number did. Ideally, we would want that 13 to almost double in 2 days but it would still need to be monitored closely.

This morning, I went in again for a follow up test. When the call came in, I was not surprised to hear that the beta number had dropped to zero.

Does that prepare you to know that you were pregnant and it's gone?? No.

Does it make you focus on how far you have come in the process?? No, that doesn't help at all.

Does it make you ready to jump back into the process with the frozen embryos?? Not yet - my poor body needs to rest a little first.

We are heartbroken.

We are hurting and wish it was all a dream. Wanting the positive tests back again. Wanting the good feeling of not having to struggle in fertility.

All there is left to say is - damnit.

Why not us???????

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

6dp5dt - less than a week til blood test

I am 6 days past 5 day transfer and the blood test is coming up soon - thankfully. My time has been spent prepping for the school year which has kept me busy and therefore I am not really thinking about all the waiting.

We found out yesterday that they were able to freeze 4 embryos - which is amazing!! We have never had even one to freeze before so to get the news for 4 is shocking. My RE is very careful about watching them to make sure that they have the best chance of surviving cryopreservation.

This is the best news because we can try 4 more times before having to start over with all the shots again!! I nearly cried at that phone call - not going to lie about that. It was such a relief!

Today has been interesting so far: I have not felt great, nearly threw up in the shower and had to walk out of a store due to the smell of bread baking. I am not normally really sensitive to smells - the last time I had this, we are pretty sure I became pregnant but then lost it since my blood work was still pretty high in levels but was falling fast. While its encouraging, it threw me for a loop because it was so strong so fast! I am struggling not to put too much stock in any of it though because I don't want the let down.

Only a few days to go!

Monday, August 13, 2012

4 Days Post 5 day Transfer - a mouthful to say

Well here I am, 4 days after the 5 day transfer just waiting, waiting, waiting.

We had the transfer Thursday morning. Things were different than we had planned for the 3 day transfer because going that extra amount of time adjusts the schedule.


1. We only transferred 2 blastocysts (what embryos are by the 5th day of growth). According the restrictions, they do not do more than 2 to anyone under 37 years old on the day 5 transfers. According to the doctor this is due to the higher probability of them surviving and that then increasing the chance for multiples, which is not their goal. They want one successful pregnancy, not 3. I understand this theory - I was just annoyed at it because this is our 3rd try and wanted to give as many opportunities to have a successful cycle.

2. We did not do the assisted hatching on the blasts. This is only done when they do a day 3 transfer because the cells are smaller and the shell tends to be harder. As the embryo grows, the shell thins out to cover more surface area and they worry that doing the assisted hatching on a day 5 blast could damage the cells since the shell is thinner at that point. It's not standard practice and can result in damage (which we don't want at all). This makes us nervous some - we believe that our major issue has been the implantation and the assisted hatching was supposed to be a solution to that. So now we are not sure what to think. Again, we understand that this is the recommendations, it was just a surprise.

The good news of the situation is that my waiting window to get my blood test is only 12 days instead of 14 because the blasts have been growing so much before they are transferred. I go in on the 21st for my blood test. We really hope this works because we are incredibly close to being out of insurance coverage and cannot afford to do this after the insurance coverage stops.

For now, I am working in my classroom, getting prepped to have kiddos on the 20th, although I consider myself back full time right now our first official day back is on Thursday. It is keeping me plenty busy as I wait out this time period.

I feel as though my whole summer has been hurry up, wait then repeat.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Egg transfer pushed from a day 3 to a day 5

Yesterday was tentatively scheduled to be our day 3 transfer of the embryos, I received a call from the doctor's office saying we are being pushed to the day 5 transfer instead. I was confused and concerned that something was going on or that the embryos were not doing well so they were hoping that a few more days of watching would make the call.

2 agonizing hours later, I received a call from the lab to tell me all about the embryos and why they pushed it to the day 5 transfer. We have so many embryos that were exactly where they wanted them to be according to their criteria by day 3, they wanted to watch them longer to make sure they were putting the best of the best in! I was surprised as hell to say the least. I had 8 embryos that were exactly where they wanted them and several more that were a little slow but close to the standards they wanted.

That's just amazing. We have done this 2 times before and some of the embryos we have had to choose from are not that great or just a few that are right at the criteria. To have so many that were not only barely there but doing so well, is astonishing to us, it gives us hope that we may have some to freeze after the transfer. We are still cautious with that thought though since we have not had any the other 2 times we have done this.

I am going to stay positive that the ones they transfer in tomorrow are going to be the best of the best and with doing the day 5 transfer, it means the embryos are strong. We could have a really great chance of them implanting and growing.

It's hard to not get too excited about this prospect though...it's been the most encouraging in terms of results of the meds, and the quality of the embryos. Getting my hopes up too high though is a dangerous road that I almost always end up going down again. I know I was get really excited and nervous again just as I have done ever other time - I don't know how someone couldn't with the investment of the whole process.

Ready to get the show on the road...tomorrow seems so far from now, 2 weeks to find out is almost an eternity.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Egg Retrieval Day

We had the egg retrieval early this morning - it was insane!!! They retrieved 34 eggs which is just unbelievable!!

I was in quite a bit of pain afterwards though from the procedure. They had to give me morphine and monitored me for longer than they have in the past.

We will know tomorrow how many fertilized and I really hope it's a good report. There have to be enough to do the transfer as well as hopefully some to freeze.

It's still astounding there were that many eggs ready to go - even the nurse said she was surprised by it!