Thursday, December 30, 2010

REALLY??? Another set back...

Well I went in for blood work on Monday to have some hormone levels checked before starting the new fertility med to get on with our IUI. Called the specialist today and they still do not have the results, the doctor will not be able to do my prescription until she reviews the results. The issue = the window for the month closes tomorrow and the specialist isn't open again until Monday.

Talk about disappointing...

I am going to call them on Monday to see if there is possibly anything we can do.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Much better this week, but ready for break.

So my emotions are much better this much calmer - I doubt the hormone medicine I was on to help my period get here helped much with the overdone emotions I was experiencing.

What I am not is starting my IUI cycle yet. Still waiting on the body to get it together, so I can start taking the fertility medicine so we can have our first IUI in the new year. I had been hoping that we would be able to do it before the new year, but with the vaccine situation in November and now my body not working with me has set it back awhile.

At the end of the day, I go on winter break and it cannot come soon enough. I need a few days off to get it all together and re-focus my energies in the right direction. The end of the semester is always so stressful with semester exams, grades, and getting ready for the new semester so the start isn't so hectic. That's quite a bit to deal with all at once when you add in all the other emotions and situations together. It's just a recipe for me needing a break for a few days.

Thankfully, all my Christmas shopping is done and just needs to be wrapped up. That means I just need to go grocery shopping and clean up the house before we have Aaron's family over on Saturday evening for the holiday.

One thing I am really tired of is people not being remotely sympathetic to what I am going through. I have had a rough road lately - the meds are rough on the body and the mind, and some days are bad. Some people have made comment to me that all I do is complain about how I don't feel well or whatever. I am entitled to express my frustrations in the way I feel the most comfortable with, if you don't like it - then don't read it. I would never judge someone for going through an unbelievably difficult situation that has gone on for a very long time for expressing their frustrations with it. I understand that many people do not feel as though they are able to by sympathetic to what we are going through and I get that...but damn people, cut me some slack!!!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Lord grant me the serenity...

This prayer is so significant in my journey to being a mother. I know it's meant for addictions, but the crossover is huge for me.

I have really been struggling for days now...more than I ever thought I could. My anxiety over infertility has now officially overrun into all aspects of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry or think about all the bad things that could happen. This is killing me right now. The fear is so strong and overwhelming.

Some people know I have had anxiety my whole life, many people do not.

It started as a kid when my family went through a really (and I mean extremely bad time). We lost our home due to foreclosure, I had to stay with a friend for the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, my mother was so sick, and I was free-floating in the world. Not an easy place to be at 17. I dealt with it due to some great friends and family, I felt all right again.

Then it happened again in college when I was in an emotional abusive relationship. I had anxiety everyday about saying or doing the right thing to prevent being bullied or attacked. My comfort then was food, I gained about 20 pounds in 2 months. Eventually I lost that weight and a little more when the relationship finally ended and I realized I was worth more than being someone's doormat and possession.

The next time I had a rough time was when I got divorced in 2007. This was a dark time for me - the end of my marriage started coming many months before it actually happened. The anxiety this time would keep me up all night trying to figure out what to do and what my life would be life when it was finally over. I had some really amazing friends/family who kept me going by telling me it was going to be okay.

Now here we are again...this time it is worse than it has been in more than a decade. I have been going at full steam ahead for so long that, I haven't allowed myself to stop and deal with the issues. I believe I was afraid to do this because I was afraid to deal with the pain and other issues that I had been masking for such a long time. This past month when we have not been allowed to try in any capacity has made me have to slow down and evaluate myself. It has been rough to say the least. My immune system is fighting back because I kept up such a pace for so long that I never gave my body a chance to recover from all that I was doing with the fertility medicines, the blood work, etc. Then when I stopped, it came onto my like hitting a brick wall at 200 miles an hour.

Coming to grips with all of this in the past few days has made me realize that the troubles I am having are not going to be solved quickly and I will need assistance. Unfortunately, I believe very strongly that these issues are going to now have to be dealt with on a professional level. I think I have reached as far as I can on my own and need to reach out for help.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows how unbelievably stubborn I can be and how difficult it can be for me to ask for help. But I am trying and come back to this prayer:

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

(From "The Serentiy Prayer" by Elisabeth Sifton) 

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing Sometimes

Okay so my brain won't shut up right now...I am having awful thoughts running through my head about our infertility and I can't stop them.

I wish I knew why it is that my mind goes there and camps out. I am so sick of this and wish the fear would go away. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!

This just sucks and it needs to go away for sure.
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Sunday, December 12, 2010


Snow day, snow day, snow day!!!

Awesome turn of events, super excited!!
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Loves my job, BUT.....

I want a SNOW DAY!!! We are all impatiently waiting to see if we are going to have school tomorrow. All the schools around us are calling off due to the low temps and wind chill factors.

It's kind of a fun anticipation thing, like when you were a little kid and hoping for the TV to show your school's name!

We will see what happens. I would love it so much, I know I have been off several days recently however i would love a day off without spending the whole time really sick.

Just waiting for the final verdict...come on phone ring!!!
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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting - Is this seriously a test of will power and determination????

The longer I am in this process the more I wonder if this just a test.

You know: This is a test, this is ONLY a test. In the event of a real fertility situation, immediate and adequate medical intervention would work on the VERY first time. 

Wouldn't that be amazing if it were true?

I have spent a long time thinking about this subject (yes, I am aware that it makes me borderline, if not completely obsessed) and I have to wonder: "Is this whole process a giant test to see if Aaron and I can survive it? And if we survive it, we will be rewarded with a family that we so desperately desire. It seems sometimes as though this is just a test of will power to continue going and determination to not quit before we reach our goal.

As Aaron and I have officially met the 12 month time line (more in terms of cycles - this is now 14 because in some months I had 2 cycles. One finish and one begin.) it has become a matter of sheer will to have a family. I think although the last year has been so difficult in terms of the emotional investment from one month to the next, it has brought Aaron and I closer together. We have had to talk about incredibly personal things (seriously - what husband wants to hear about the intimate working the female body and then be required to have sex on specific days??? Or what wife wants to hear about her husband having to go for a sperm analysis???) Plus to be actively trying on our own, we have had to maintain a healthy sex life (I know TMI - but oh well, it's part of the program) in the first year plus of our marriage when the honeymoon is over and reality of married life sets in.

We will see what the RE says in a few days about starting the next cycle...maybe a New Year's baby is in our future.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Finally on the mend, looking forward to starting the next step!

Well, I spent a week in hell with a stomach virus on top of the antibiotics. I missed 3 days of work, which is unheard of for me. BUT - finally after a whole week of this nonsense, I am on the tail end of it all. My glands are down (thank god!) and my stomach has finally settled down. I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

Now, comes the question of when will we get to start the preparation for the IUI? Since coming off the Clomid, I am not sure how this cycle is going to go so we can get started on the next one which will be our first (and hopefully ONLY) attempt at the IUI. I still have a few days until we will know what the real scoop is with it.

It should come as no surprise that we are anxious to get it going on. We started trying in November of last year, trying with serious effort in February and it's now December...that's a long time. I know there are women who have been doing this for so much longer than we have, but I don't know how they have kept their cool through it all. It is so difficult to maintain positive thoughts through each month that goes on without success. I have to have faith in the process, in the doctor's positiveness with it, and in the desire we have for it to work.