So it has been quite awhile since I wrote and I am not sure why. One of my goals in 2015 is to take more time for things that I enjoy and to make more time for the people in my life I enjoy spending time with.
The problem becomes when people grow apart as adults, the "breaking up" for adult friendships is so much more painful and complicated than when you are a kid. It is not as easy as an adult to make new friends, work and family take priority (as they should) and your time to just run around and meet new people as it was in college and high school. Friendships form from work and activities with the family, or they are sustaining friendships from your youth. Making completely new friends as adults is quite a challenge.
When I think of the people who have been in my life and I value - my list of people I put on that list has become shorter recently and I am in the place of trying to determine how I feel about that.
On one hand, I am hurt by the people that are removed from my life. I hurt when people leave my life, whether because they chose to go or because I chose to go...the pain is the same. My friendships are important to me and when someone that I felt was important to me is no longer a part of my life, it's like a separation.
On the other hand, if you do not want to be in my life - please go and don't look back. For whatever reason we decide that our friendship has come to a close, and looking back will only cause more issues and hurt to be developed. There are plenty of people in my life who are there through the good and the bad, I do not need someone who is not willing to stick out the good and the bad with me.
I do not want to have my daughter grow up thinking that treating people poorly or being treated poorly by people is okay. It is most certainly not okay. I want her to grow up seeing her parents making positive choices, learning from the negative ones, and supporting people when times are tough. A true friendship is there when things are at their highest highs and their lowest lows, and choosing to stay just the same.
It takes quite a bit for me to just say there is nothing left to fight for anymore, it makes me question how much was really there to begin with (retrospectively of course, because hindsight is 20/20). It's how you move forward that helps define you.
So the question comes now...where to go from here?
The short answer is that I have not a damn clue where to go from here.
The long answer is that I have to take time to sort out my feelings and move forward. I have allotted myself some time to wallow in my emotions, but then it is going to be time to pick myself up and move forward.
I saw this quote one time and it rings true in this case: "Sometimes when someone exits your life, they are really doing you a favor. They leave an empty space for someone who deserves to be there."