Friday, July 20, 2012

200th post - not good news

Well this is my 200th post - hard to believe it is at this point, man the time has both flown by as well as dragged on and on.

We had the blood test yesterday and it was not good news. The embryos did not take.

We had such high hopes after all the positive improvement to the whole protocol from the previous attempt. Things seemed to be looking up and moving in the right direction. We had more eggs retrieved and the embryos they transferred were of so much better quality and growth than our try last year.

Then, BOOM...nothing.

We have nothing to show for it except incredible heartache, bills to be paid, and much self-doubt.

We are no further along than we were when we started all this journey years ago and it's so tough to not get so discouraged and feel like a failure.

Now, all the questions of the future are flooding my brain and I am just overwhelmed.

The amount of support and love that we have received helps, although I could never put into words how much that support means because there are not words of gratitude that exist to fully explain it to them. It's like trying to describe an intangible feeling to someone without experience with emotions. We are so grateful.

I cannot talk about it out loud right now - every time I have tried, I start sobbing uncontrollably.

The only thing I can say is that this hurts so much more than everything we went through last year. Why do I feel that way? I am not sure.

Again my specialist is going to meet with the others in her practice to review it all to make their recommendations for the future as they did last time. Our fear is that they are going to say we just had the bad luck of being in the 44% that do not work for absolutely no reason at all AGAIN. That was what the result of the first one was.

Aaron and I have talked about it and we want to go ahead if it's recommended right away. We are hoping that we can get through the back and forth to the doctor's office as well as the retrieval before my school year starts to help with me not having to take days off work, if possible.

Ugh - to do it all again is so frustrating.

We are good people, we have a good marriage, and such a desire to be a family. Why is this not happening for us?????? I know, I know, I could drive myself insane with this wondering but it is so hard to not think about.

Today, I am doing a sad day.

I am going to be sad for all the process we have been through so far in our journey. I am going to be sad for the pain of the procedures. I am going to be sad for the terrible luck we seem to have with it all. I am going to be sad for all the emotions we are going through, both individually and as a couple.

It's like the grieving process. Something I am all too familiar with right now with my mother's recent passing.

I am scared to death for a million reasons - scared this will never work, scared of the pain again just to start with.

Now, onto my sad day to try to deal with this all.


  1. I miss you and have been keeping you in my thoughts. While lack of experience makes me unable to share your feelings, I just wanted to say I hope that better news, luck and joy come your way soon you deserve it, as you deserve to have a sad day. May the news they give you not just be hopeful but successful. TFJ

  2. DAMNIT...I feel horrible..I was so hoping to come here today and see different news. I am still positive this will happen for you guys. Miss you on WTE. You are in my thoughts..its ok be sad then jump back in the game. Sending hugs.

  3. The dr has given us the green light to start again right away so I had my sad day and now, it's time to prepare again. We could start shots as soon as Monday.

  4. My heart goes out to you! Thinking and rooting for you this cycle!

  5. I'm so sorry it didn't work this time, but I've got my fingers crossed that your 3rd time is indeed a charm!