I was doing so well with Mother's Day yesterday until about 9:30 pm when something hit me like a ton of bricks and down, down I went. This one was rougher than many of the other ones I have been having recently.
A meltdown - no let me rephrase that, a HUGE MELTDOWN.
I sat on my bathroom floor for a good hour and just cried. Why the bathroom? When I get that upset, I tend to get sick to my stomach - bordering on a panic attack. I went in there so I wouldn't have to try to run to make it if I felt the urge to throw up. I did throw up, but only a little - the feeling passed quickly.
Aaron followed me in to see if I was all right and we sat on the floor to talk for almost an hour.
I confessed to him that I felt just awful after the appointment last week when we found out his numbers were so strong. I told him it just highlighted to my brain where the problem is - me. And even though I know that I can't change me, I still felt very much to blame. To blame for all the stress and strain we have gone through in the past 19 months and to blame for the way things haven't worked month after month.
I confessed that I cry nearly everyday when it sneaks into my brain, usually after Aaron leaves in the morning but before I head out to school for the day. I cry because I am sad, I am sad everyday about this journey and I want it to be done. I am sad for the way it has invaded the rest of my life. There is not a part of my life that has not been sincerely affected by this and I hate it.
I want my life back - I want to be happy again. I had to make sure Aaron understood when I said that, I wasn't referring to being happy with him. He is the bright spot in my day and I look forward to spending time with him.
I just want to be able to smile easily and laugh hard. I want to not be consumed by all the "what ifs?" that go with TTC everyday. I want to feel like me again - not some hormone-crazed person who feels like she is running in circles more than moving forward. I want to stop seeing that look on his face when I am crying and he wants desperately to make me feel better but can't.
This meltdown was hard and when I was done - I crawled into bed and just crashed for the night. I am not sure I even moved too much throughout the night because I was just physically and emotionally exhausted.
9 days until we find out what the next step will be - pregnancy or IVF and it feels like 9 years instead.