Sunday, February 27, 2011

Nervous/Excited - All emotions at the same time

Well this is it, the week we have been waiting for - it should be IUI week.

I am so nervous and excited I can hardly even stand it. I am excited because this week could change our lives forever in the best possible way. We have been working so hard to get to this point with everything - the doctors, the blood tests, the unbelievably uncomfortable procedures, the detailed personal and medical history we have discussed with people who were perfect strangers at the time, the emotional ups and downs for the last several months. It will be great to have something positive come from all of that. The nervousness is the bit of fear that it won't work and we will have to go onto the next phase of this all. Both of us are scared but trying to be positive and focus on what we can be in control of this week and leave the rest up to fate. We know we have done all we can to make this go as well as possible. I have been on vitamins and the stupid medicine that makes me sick in hopes of preparing my body for it as best we can, I have watched what I eat, exercised, meditated on my own personal shortcomings, and stayed as connected to my husband as anyone could.

BUT, we have a plan for what to do next just in case this isn't the way for us and we are confident in what the doctor's are telling us, so we have to continue to believe in that. We are going to be a family of more than just the two of us in some capacity, we just have to find the right path to get there. Man, I wish this all came with an instruction manual that told us how much this was going to suck each month, how many times a person typically has a mental breakdown with the stress of it all, and how to keep going when it's all dark and scary. There have been times in this process that I have wanted to give up and say this is just not going to happen for us - but that isn't what either of us really want. Ever since we have been together, we always knew that we were going to be parents, it's been a dream of mine since I was little. It's been a goal that has never disappeared or been put on the back burner. Sometimes now I wish we had started right after we got married instead of waiting 6 months, but all that does is cause me to think about what would have been. That will get me nowhere closer toward the goal ahead of us.

Something that goes without saying through all of this is the amazing amount of strength and character in the man I married. He amazes me everyday at his ability to see through all B.S. and keep going on without even flinching at the next step. He is my rock and one of the only reasons I have not become a crazy person in this lengthy process. It is one thing to know there is going to be issues with having a family, it is entirely a separate reality to be faced with. It is not easy for him (although he would tell you that I carry most of the burden on myself even though he would do it for me if possible) to watch me struggle with all of this month after month. It literally pains him to see me go through this emotional stress and that is amazing to me. It is amazing that someone can care so much and deeply about things, that he loves and believes in us so much - this literally carries us through all the crap we have gone through.

I am not sure what I did to deserve such an amazing support in my life, a great man, a wonderful friend and son, not to mention my best friend and love I never knew I could have, but I will say thank you until I take my last breath that he is here with me.

Please IUI - work and make our dreams come true finally.


  1. You have yourself a wonderful man, but he clearly has himself an amazing woman! I can't stress enough how much I admire your strength and courage through this whole process.

  2. Thanks Dara, it's interesting how life turns and changes to bring me here...but I wouldn't have it any other way.