Saturday, January 8, 2011

Why can't people understand?

I do not like that people keep telling me that waiting is not that big of a deal. That bothers me quite a bit.

I would never wish these people to go through what I have in the last year, to have to put their bodies through the medicines (which is nasty and causes terrible side effects), the blood tests, the invasive procedures. But most of all, I would never wish for them to go through the emotional battle that it can be every month.

Each month has started the same, getting your period. This is usually a day filled with mixed emotions because have lost another month trying but you have a fresh start for the new month. (I tended to cry on this day from the over run of hormones and frustration). Possibly take fertility medicine which makes you feel like a psychopath and make you exhausted. After that, it's waiting to ovulate. Depending on how it goes, it can be weeks to go before then. Then it's time to make some magic - lots of sex for days (some go with the every other day or there is the every day option). Then, comes the worst and most difficult time to survive - the wait to see if you are going to get your period again. During this time, every emotion you can go through runs through your head. Not only that but every sneeze, minor pain, headache, etc becomes a possibly pregnancy symptom or clue. Starting to test with home pregnancy tests DAYS before you actually should in the hopes this is the month.

Now go through this for 15 cycles and tell me that waiting 2 more months isn't a big deal.

I know sensitivity is a lost art sometimes, but damn - cut a girl a break and allow me to be pissed that it's been pushed back again. We have been on a forced 4 months hiatus and that SUCKS!!!

Yes, it is giving my body some time to relax. Yes, it is allowing the doctor to make sure our path is the right one. What it isn't doing is allowing me some relief from the stress and anxiety has started to overtake my life from the emotional toll it has taken. What else it isn't doing is making it easy to maintain hope and faith in the process. Not when people all around me are getting pregnant left and right. Not when people have started trying, gotten pregnant, AND given birth since we have been trying.

I know there are many people who are incredibly supportive of us and I could not be more grateful for them. These are the people who keep me from getting lost in the shuffle of it all; they are the ones who help me when my day is so bad I just want to crawl into the fetal position and cry for hours at a time; they are the ones who pick me up month after month when I do crawl into the fetal position and cry when my stupid period shows up again.

All Aaron and I want to do is become parents, it's the American dream. We have the great marriage, we have the house of our dreams, and good jobs (even though Aaron wishes he was doing something in the computer field)...the only thing we have been waiting to do is to become parents.

So to conclude - if I am having a bad day and am complaining about how crappy all of this is, please give me a small break. The amount of strain I am under just with this is so much more overwhelming than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I am still learning how to deal with it, and many days I don't succeed at it very well.


  1. You are be so allowed to be pissed about it being pushed back. Those that don't think you should feel that way can piss off. You don't need to deal with them. Stay positive!Love ya!

  2. I try to stay positive, it's hard sometimes! I was just sick of people being negative to me and making feel badly because I am pissed about waiting. I wish some of them would realize how insensitive it makes them.