Sunday, January 29, 2012

I hate feeling this way

I have spent the past few weeks working through emotions about my friends' ability to get pregnant without a struggle like ours has been.

I have had 3 friends in the past 2 weeks who have shared they are expecting a little one. I am thrilled and over the moon for them.

As someone who has struggled for so long, there is a sense of sadness that comes over you when you hear this kind of news. It is not the first sense of feeling, but it comes whether you want it to or not. I experienced this again this morning and I was not able to just push through it the way I have in the past.

This one hit me hard like a baseball bat to the gut that knocks the wind of you.

I love these friends dearly, I have been in 2 of their weddings and think they are going to be amazing parents. It is not that I am not happy for them and the new adventure they are going to be on throughout everything. I will do everything in my power to help them throughout their journey and their children will be spoiled rotten by us.

I wasn't expecting it at all, I never thought I would get as emotional as I was today and I somewhat hate myself for the way I felt. I am frustrated with myself for allowing my emotions to run over me as much as they did today. Ugh, I am so frustrated/disgusted with myself. It is tough for Aaron to deal with seeing me when I am that way, he wants to make things better for me when they are not going well. He struggles with allowing me to vent without trying to guide me back to optimism (I love him for his optimism, just allow me to get through the anger and sadness to be able to get to the optimism I truly have about the process for us.)

I am angry at fate and somewhat I am angry at God for allowing this to happen. Yes, I know the saying of everything happens in God's time and with his plan, it is not up to me to make the plan, but DAMN>>>>>>there is a limit to my patience with this. I have moments of complete loss of logic and brain runs away with itself to the bad place that questions all of our choices for the past 2+ years, the side of my brain that is not logical but emotional and the reactions are just that. I hate that I have that aspect within myself. Ugh. So annoying.  We want to be parents, we have done everything and then some that has been asked of us. We have put it all out there since November of 2009 and here we are still basically in the same place.

We want this so badly and have worked through so many obstacles all along the way. The obstacles have been such a strain on us personally as well as on our relationship. Although it has ultimately strengthened us as couple, it has not been an easy journey to even this point in the process. We are not at the end of the route yet and we have a hard stretch to go, making ourselves go into all the IVF process again knowing exactly what we are getting ourselves back into for the second time. I think it might be harder to do it again than it was to go through it the first time. This time, I know what the pain that will come is, I know what the shots do to me physically and emotionally and what the hassle of doctor's appointments are going to be. We know what the excitement and anticipation that goes into the retrievals and the transfer. Yet, now I have to convince myself to go through it all again.

I think it might be harder to do the second time around because I know exactly what it will feel like and what we will have to go through again.

Man, today was a tough one.


  1. I love you!

    I think your feelings are perfectly normal and something that all of us that don't get to take the easy route to parenthood struggle with.

  2. thank honey...I know they are normal feelings but I don't have to like having them. I know we will get there eventually, just so frustrated with the situation as it stands.

  3. I've been there too, my dear. There is nothing anyone can say to make it better, but just know that I know, and lots of others know too. Sending you all the love and happiness you can stand. xo

  4. I love you! Wish I could look into the future and tell you what was going to happen for you.