Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Depression Eating

I have been known a time or two to eat while depressed/stressed and now is not an exception to this rule. It's really not good for me to do it since it's so difficult to lose any weight that I may gain right now. The fun of PCOS is how tough it is to lose weight and with all the ups and downs of the past week, I found solace in food.

I need to stop doing that. Food isn't going to make a baby stay in my body, food isn't going to keep me appealing to my husband so we can even try to have a baby, food isn't going to make a blood test show a positive finally.

So knowing all of that, why do I continue to do it? Comfort, nope - not comfortable to feel bloated after eating too much. Happiness, nope - often feeling even more sad after eating because I know better than to do it.

I do it because it's what I have always done. You know the old saying "Do what you have always done and you will get what you always get." Apparently I need to re-evaluate what I am doing and try to find a better way to deal with the emotions rather than just sitting down to eat. Easier said than done - for sure! It's really tough to undo over 30 years of this same behavior and I am going to fail at it more often than I succeed until I can get my brain to realize that's not a good idea.

It's difficult not to get down under the stress and strain of it all and there are more times than not that I just give in because it's easier than fighting. This does not make me think well of myself and the cycle continues. I need to find more positive things that make me happy and when I am sad, do those instead. Again, easier said than done. I am just free-floating in a sea of emotions and I need a life raft to pull me out of it. I know I can't let the depression/stress get to me, I know I am stronger than it because I have shown that before. I just need to get myself back on track and start again.

Damn this whole process and its emotions.

I thought I had a good handle on things until I decided to begin this and this is where I am now. Do other people feel this way? Is it just me? Sometimes it feels like weight of the world all pushing down on my shoulders. But I know I have to be strong, actually stronger than I have ever been before as a way to push through it...but where does energy come from?? Can I go to the store and buy it? Is there somewhere to find it? Nope, I just have to work on finding it inside of me and that's one of the most difficult parts of the whole TTC process and the longer you are in it, the more weight (literally and figuratively) it feels like you are carrying.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking today. Maybe I just need to let myself wallow in the frustration and eat knowing I will get back on track. Too many unknowns and it will be a minute to minute struggle.


  1. I totally get where you are coming from on the eating process. I think I've been doing the same thing more and more lately.

    And the weight of everything is on my shoulders, I've always felt that way, like I had to be the strong one and not break down. I'm not even sure when I started to feel that way, but its been a long time. I've always held it all in until I was in the shower and then I'd let all out.

  2. I do that too, cry in the shower because then Aaron doesn't feel badly and try to "fix" what's causing what I am feeling. I appreciate his effort but it's not his place to fix everything even when he wants to be helpful.

    This process is so hard and I hate how it feels everyday to struggle to find the strength just to keep going.

    I have to learn that it's all right to show the emotion and break down when I need to, I have spent too much of my life being the strong one because there wasn't always the support I have needed. Now, I have great support and for some reason it's still really hard for me to accept the help. I don't know why that is and I think that's part of what keeps me going back to food - at least for those few minutes of eating something I enjoy, there isn't pain. BUT - it always returns when I am done. Terrible cycle.

  3. Christine - I totally understand doing something that you know you shouldn't do when you are emotional. For me it was the opposite...I wouldn't eat and then I would get so sick because my body didn't have the fuel it needed to fight off sickness. And now I tend to eat when I am bored which is a bad idea. It seems as though we all have vices which help us during our extremely emotional times.

    I have found that when I am really stressed out exercise has been something that really helps to get my mind off whatever is consuming me. I know...easier said than done sometimes when you just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Is the doctor ok with you exercising during this process or is it not recommended? I am just thinking that maybe this would help ease your mind a bit and you would feel good about the outlet. I hope I am not giving too much advice...I am just trying to be supportive because I see how gut wrenching this process has been for you and my "try to save the world" nature comes flying out of me.

    I am so here for you Christine. Since Dane and I aren't even close to thinking about having kids I often worry that I could have fertility issues and I know you would be there for me if that is the case. I feel lucky to have married into such a wonderful family.

  4. Thank you Stephanie, the difficult thing with the exercising right now is that the hormone meds can really zap energy and make me feel so physically bad it's really hard to get motivated to work out. I enjoy it when I am able to, but between the hormone and then feeling depressed/stressed, I am just wiped out. It's a back and forth cycle for me. :-(

    I appreciate all the support and care you have shown through this process. It's great to know we have great family members who are helping us get through this even if it's just by listening to the whole thing. Thank you so much for just simply listening.