I have been known a time or two to eat while depressed/stressed and now is not an exception to this rule. It's really not good for me to do it since it's so difficult to lose any weight that I may gain right now. The fun of PCOS is how tough it is to lose weight and with all the ups and downs of the past week, I found solace in food.
I need to stop doing that. Food isn't going to make a baby stay in my body, food isn't going to keep me appealing to my husband so we can even try to have a baby, food isn't going to make a blood test show a positive finally.
So knowing all of that, why do I continue to do it? Comfort, nope - not comfortable to feel bloated after eating too much. Happiness, nope - often feeling even more sad after eating because I know better than to do it.
I do it because it's what I have always done. You know the old saying "Do what you have always done and you will get what you always get." Apparently I need to re-evaluate what I am doing and try to find a better way to deal with the emotions rather than just sitting down to eat. Easier said than done - for sure! It's really tough to undo over 30 years of this same behavior and I am going to fail at it more often than I succeed until I can get my brain to realize that's not a good idea.
It's difficult not to get down under the stress and strain of it all and there are more times than not that I just give in because it's easier than fighting. This does not make me think well of myself and the cycle continues. I need to find more positive things that make me happy and when I am sad, do those instead. Again, easier said than done. I am just free-floating in a sea of emotions and I need a life raft to pull me out of it. I know I can't let the depression/stress get to me, I know I am stronger than it because I have shown that before. I just need to get myself back on track and start again.
Damn this whole process and its emotions.
I thought I had a good handle on things until I decided to begin this and this is where I am now. Do other people feel this way? Is it just me? Sometimes it feels like weight of the world all pushing down on my shoulders. But I know I have to be strong, actually stronger than I have ever been before as a way to push through it...but where does energy come from?? Can I go to the store and buy it? Is there somewhere to find it? Nope, I just have to work on finding it inside of me and that's one of the most difficult parts of the whole TTC process and the longer you are in it, the more weight (literally and figuratively) it feels like you are carrying.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking today. Maybe I just need to let myself wallow in the frustration and eat knowing I will get back on track. Too many unknowns and it will be a minute to minute struggle.