Saturday, April 16, 2011

Hope and frustration - the ups and downs

Yesterday I had all kinds of hope. My temperatures that would normally start dropping to indicate my period coming actually took a huge jump, I was having pinching on the one side of my body that nearly stopped me in my tracks - all really positive signs of things having worked. I was also just feeling all kinds of off and out of it - had a really hard time focusing on things at school, which is not me at all.

Then, this morning - a big temp drop and a negative test.

Welcome back to the roller coaster of not-so-much-fun. I don't know what to think yet. It's still too early to really feel like it's all down and out. I still feel different than I have previous times, but I am sad today. Everything seemed to be moving in the right direction and I feel like the whole thing is moving in a negative direction again and it makes me so sad.

I just want to be off this part of the ride.

EDIT - well the cramping and spotting has officially started. We are pretty much guaranteed on the down-hill slide to my period. This just blows and feels so unfair, we keep doing everything they want us to do and we get nowhere.

I can't handle people telling me to be positive and stay focused and it will happen today. I think I might scream at someone who tries to do that - they just don't understand how hurting it all is month after month. I would never wish this on anyone but I do wish that people could have more empathy to the terrible situation.

My current issue is people who have never had to try to do this telling me to be positive and tell me that "God has a plan, it's just not the one you have." Really?? If that's supposed to be comforting when you feel defective and broken, these people need to go "back to being a friend 101" and remember that NOT saying something is sometimes more powerful than saying something stupid. I love my friends and I appreciate the effort to make me feel better I really do, but as they "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Their intentions are amazing and I do appreciate them, but all it does is remind me of my body is not working the way it should and it makes me feel as though they believe something is really wrong with me. I don't want to be through of as broken, and that's how all of that makes me feel.

I feel broken today...AGAIN. I feel defeated...AGAIN. I feel so unbelievably angry...AGAIN.

1 comment:

  1. All I can think of to say is I love you and I'm here if you need anything.