So, my wonderful RE has allowed me to continue to take Femara to attempt to ovulate on my own while we are waiting for the next IVF cycle (not happening until summer due to me not having tons of sick days to take for all the procedures and recovery from all of that).
Well yesterday was the big go time on the ovulation test and we are "casually" trying. This is just that we are going to try to time ourselves in the general time frame of the positive, but we are not going too crazy with the intensity of the "trying."
Now we are waiting again to see what the deal is on our own. We haven't been in this kind of situation since the IVF waiting game back in August. It was quite difficult that time due to all the intense issues with meds, etc. This time, I am trying to be more calm and laid back about the whole thing, we will see how that goes.
I would love to not have to go through all the shots, ultrasounds, procedures, and pain etc that go along with the IVF - however if it is what I have to do, then I will do it all again in a heartbeat. We hit 2 years of trying at the end of last year and it is just a sad state of affairs. We are just sad at the whole issue and the amount of time involved in this whole trying to be a family process. I know, I know - Aaron and I are a family just the two of us no matter if we ever have a child or not, but we have so much love to give that we want to have a child of our own to share it with.
We do not have adoption as an option due to finances, etc and I would have a hard time if it fell through at the last minute. Same feeling about foster care, if I had a child in foster care and then had to give it back to a situation that was not a healthy one, it would just destroy me. I want to have children in our home, but I am not sure I can handle it that way.
One thing that was made very clear to me with all I went through this year is in fact how fragile and vulnerable my heart is when I open it up that large with hope and caring. I will do it again, but I will do so somewhat cautiously right now to make sure I don't end up in the bad mental place I spent the fall in for reasons completely unrelated to infertility. I cannot manage that again, I nearly fell apart then and I am only now on the mend to a good mental place, another reason we are not jumping back on the roller coaster of the infertility ride.
I wish that things were easier and that things could just happen for us all ready, it's been such a long journey and the end of it will be the start of a new journey. We are so ready to be there...so badly and desperately do we want to be there.
2012 - please allow us our dream, please allow us this without much difficulty, and allow us to have the sense of peace that will come from getting off the infertility ride.