Damnit!!

Well - we officially had an early miscarriage.

Last Thursday, we had a positive POAS and again on Friday/Saturday. This was after we had negative tests Monday and Tuesday so we were of course thrilled.

We told our families knowing either way we would need them. They were so excited and elated for us - it was amazing that our dream had come true. We looked like a couple of overly-happily dopes for a few days.

As the day of my blood test approached, I was excited so I took another test on Monday. Really, it was for the joy of seeing a positive after 3 years of trying.

Much to my shock, it was negative. I woke Aaron up and we just sat on the bathroom floor and cried.

Tuesday was the same and I knew it was an early miscarriage.

Still nothing prepared me for the call from the doctor. She said the blood test was positive but the number was on the really low side of positive. A positive is above 5 on the HCG level, I had a 13. This meant there was a good chance of an early miscarriage and they wanted me to come in to repeat the test in 2 days to see what the number did. Ideally, we would want that 13 to almost double in 2 days but it would still need to be monitored closely.

This morning, I went in again for a follow up test. When the call came in, I was not surprised to hear that the beta number had dropped to zero.

Does that prepare you to know that you were pregnant and it's gone?? No.

Does it make you focus on how far you have come in the process?? No, that doesn't help at all.

Does it make you ready to jump back into the process with the frozen embryos?? Not yet - my poor body needs to rest a little first.

We are heartbroken.

We are hurting and wish it was all a dream. Wanting the positive tests back again. Wanting the good feeling of not having to struggle in fertility.

All there is left to say is - damnit.

Why not us???????