Thursday, April 19, 2012


I forget often how tiring these meds are on me.

I am currently on Provera and it always makes me feel like crud - I get sleepy and have headaches. All because my stupid body won't produce the hormone to release an egg. No egg = no period. No period = no starting of IVF again. It's all connected in a process.

I also forget how this makes me retain water. Here I have worked so hard to lose over 35 pounds since we did IVF last summer - a feat that is incredibly difficult with the PCOS which makes it nearly impossible it seems to lose a pound, let alone over 35 pounds. All those pretty new pants I bought due to the weight loss since my old pants were falling off me without being are not fitting again. DAMN! Back to the heavy set clothes again - just my luck that I kept them and did not send them to Goodwill which was my original thought process.

No energy to do anything, just feel like all activities suck what little energy I do have right out of me.

A preview of the summertime.

At least then I don't have to get up and go to school everyday even though I feel badly as I do now. I can't imagine when I gain all the water weight and swell up to the point that moving is almost painful, trying to teach and do my job. Those days are terrible and make me hate the process even though it will hopefully have a good outcome.

Today would have been the perfect day to stay in my comfy pjs and do nothing. Maybe that is what I will do tomorrow - allow myself to just rest because it's pretty obvious that is what it needs right now.

I struggle with the idea of putting my body through all this again - I want to do it, I want to have a baby that is mine and Aaron's, but at the same time - all the pain of the IVF process is a little daunting to say the least. When we went through it last summer, I didn't know what to expect, didn't know what the pain was going to be, didn't know the experience as a whole - it was all a surprise and I just had to deal with it as it came. Now, it's different. I feel like I have to gear myself up for going through it all again, this time with the knowledge of what it is going to feel like and what my experience is going to be. I think it almost makes it harder to get ready for knowing exactly how it is going to feel.

I am not sure that makes sense to anyone else but me.

People are understanding and excited for us to start on this adventure again which is one of the major things that keeps me going through it all. I know that when we do have our little one (whenever that is) that people will be genuinely excited for us, especially after all the struggles we have gone through.

But they do not understand what this costs us - emotionally. The price is so high, it affects our relationship, it affects our friendships, it affects our families, and most of all, it affects us each individually.

We each deal with this in different ways. Aaron has a hard time talking about it with other people aside from me. He often doesn't even want to talk to me because he feels like it is adding an extra burden to what I am going through. He does not always like how open I am through this blog because he feels as though some of the information is not for other people. Looking back now, I probably should have used some kind of pseudonym for both of us so it wasn't quite so open to the world, but I am not changing it. He has learned to accept this. Me, I write in this blog and talk to people - even if they do not have much actual understanding of what I am going through, it gives me comfort that they just listen to what I am saying.

We will see how it all goes this time. I am working on being more optimistic with the process - yes, surprise, surprise I am not always a optimistic. I have to work through all the bad before I can come to grips with the positives. Not sure why, just always been that way.

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