Life is a funny thing

My life is a funny funny thing.

We came home on Sunday after being in Chicago for 11 days - that trip was impossible and I couldn't be more relieved that I don't have to do it again.

I said my goodbyes to my mom and there are not words to sum up that feeling. There isn't even anything that comes close to compare it to in the world. Her visitation made me feel as though my heart had been ripped out. Knowing that I will not see her, or talk to her, or get another hug from her makes me wish for about some quality cuddle time with her where we talk about everything under the sun.

Now I am home and trying to figure out how to get on with my life.

Everything I do or say feels like it is not okay to be doing or is insulting her memory by doing it all.

I know there is not a right or wrong way to handle things - that no matter what I do it is the right thing to do. But somehow I can't shake the feeling of crossing the line into moving onto the rest of my life.

Now we have been given the clearance to start IVF and it's strange to start all this right now. However at the same time, it feels as though it is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. It feels as though the timing of it all is exactly the way it was supposed to work out and that my mom would be in favor of us starting it all right now.

I know she was one of our biggest supporters to having a family - I am very upset that she will not know my child and won't be there when I have questions in the future.

While I am excited for finally starting this that we have waited so long to begin, I can't help but be sad at the same time. When this works, she would be the first one I wanted to tell and now I don't know who that will be.

It's all too complicated and my brain is full with so many confusing thoughts.

I love you Mom and I miss you every minute.