I am inspired to return to my blog after a hiatus by Sandi.
Putting all those other things about me was difficult and maybe I just needed to let it sit out there for awhile.
Where I stand right now?? 11 months of trying to start a family have really begun to wear me down tremendously. I want off this damn roller coaster.
All of my life I have wanted to be a mother, I never in my life dreamed as a little girl that growing up to have my own children would be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have worked 2 jobs while double majoring in college, worked 2 jobs and did graduate school, and worked as special education teacher for 9 years now...all of that is so simple compared to this process.
This infertility issue was one of the main reasons my 1st marriage didn't work out. It changed things between us, both of us changed and I realized we had just grown apart in terms of what we wanted. I don't have to worry about that with Aaron, he just supports me no matter what.
It's not all sunshine and roses to be sure. It's the hardest, most emotional process that I had NO preparation for beforehand. There are months that I am angry at my body and want to know why it doesn't function properly, I get depressed at the idea that I may never have a child of my own, and retreat into my own thoughts WAY too much. These are all things I am aware of and trying to make better.
But some days I just want to be pissed without someone telling me it's going to be okay and that it's going to work out as soon as we stop trying. Really insensitive person???? If it were that easy we would have been pregnant immediately. Unfortunately, without scientific intervention, it will never happen.
I wish there was a better instruction manual for people like me...infertile. You know, somewhere you could look at the index and say "11 months of trying and no success? Go to page 34 and find your answers."