Thursday, December 16, 2010

Lord grant me the serenity...

This prayer is so significant in my journey to being a mother. I know it's meant for addictions, but the crossover is huge for me.

I have really been struggling for days now...more than I ever thought I could. My anxiety over infertility has now officially overrun into all aspects of my life. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry or think about all the bad things that could happen. This is killing me right now. The fear is so strong and overwhelming.

Some people know I have had anxiety my whole life, many people do not.

It started as a kid when my family went through a really (and I mean extremely bad time). We lost our home due to foreclosure, I had to stay with a friend for the summer between my senior year of high school and my freshman year of college, my mother was so sick, and I was free-floating in the world. Not an easy place to be at 17. I dealt with it due to some great friends and family, I felt all right again.

Then it happened again in college when I was in an emotional abusive relationship. I had anxiety everyday about saying or doing the right thing to prevent being bullied or attacked. My comfort then was food, I gained about 20 pounds in 2 months. Eventually I lost that weight and a little more when the relationship finally ended and I realized I was worth more than being someone's doormat and possession.

The next time I had a rough time was when I got divorced in 2007. This was a dark time for me - the end of my marriage started coming many months before it actually happened. The anxiety this time would keep me up all night trying to figure out what to do and what my life would be life when it was finally over. I had some really amazing friends/family who kept me going by telling me it was going to be okay.

Now here we are again...this time it is worse than it has been in more than a decade. I have been going at full steam ahead for so long that, I haven't allowed myself to stop and deal with the issues. I believe I was afraid to do this because I was afraid to deal with the pain and other issues that I had been masking for such a long time. This past month when we have not been allowed to try in any capacity has made me have to slow down and evaluate myself. It has been rough to say the least. My immune system is fighting back because I kept up such a pace for so long that I never gave my body a chance to recover from all that I was doing with the fertility medicines, the blood work, etc. Then when I stopped, it came onto my like hitting a brick wall at 200 miles an hour.

Coming to grips with all of this in the past few days has made me realize that the troubles I am having are not going to be solved quickly and I will need assistance. Unfortunately, I believe very strongly that these issues are going to now have to be dealt with on a professional level. I think I have reached as far as I can on my own and need to reach out for help.

Anyone who knows me even a little knows how unbelievably stubborn I can be and how difficult it can be for me to ask for help. But I am trying and come back to this prayer:

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

(From "The Serentiy Prayer" by Elisabeth Sifton) 

No comments:

Post a Comment