Wednesday, May 4, 2011

3rd time's a charm?

I can't tell you how many times people have said this to me when they found out we were preparing for our 3rd IUI. I know these old sayings are supposed to be in order to help deal with the stress someone can feel. I wish I had that kind of confidence. I am not sure why this cycle feels so different all ready for me, I can barely find the motivation to get into it and I wish I knew why. I want it to work, but I can't bring myself to get really excited about it even though I do want to be excited.

This morning went really well, no complications or difficulties like last time. The nurse was able to get it right away, the whole thing lasted about 2 minutes total. We now have 2 weeks until we find out. I am calling tomorrow to get our appointment set up in case this doesn't work and we are sitting down with the RE to talk about moving on to IVF.We just want to have all our bases covered, we can always cancel our appointment if we get good news in 2 weeks. I am hoping for a Murphy's Law kind of thing - you know, schedule the appointment and that will make this one work kind of thing? I don't really believe any of that

Aaron's #s were amazing today - 38 million before washing and they were thrilled with the #s he was showing as we have done this process (1st month was 26 million and last month was 88 million) they want anything over 10 million before the washing and we more than covered that amount. This is kind of a double-edged thing to me - so his #s are great even after they did the washing and that means the problem comes from me. While I am happy it's not both of us because that's a whole different set of issues and strains, at the same time it makes me feel more to blame.

YES, I know I am not to blame. This is the way I was born, there is nothing I could do differently to make myself different and able to be an active contributor to the process without medical interventions. I am doing everything I can and the doctors are helping us as much as possible. But it's still a painful realization. HOWEVER, knowing I am not to blame and feeling like I am not to blame are not the same thing.

Aaron never makes me feel as though it my fault that we are going through this, he says it's what we are going through and he has never blamed me. I will be forever grateful for that because that would be an extraordinary level of pain added to what I all ready feel on any given day. He started dating me knowing this was an option in our future - we had this conversation when we were only dating a few weeks because I knew I could never go through someone looking at me differently due to the infertility as I had in the past. But hearing it then and knowing it with all the specifics are different things completely. He could be angry at me or treat me differently because of the medical issues...but he never does. I am so grateful for that.

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