Saturday, July 2, 2011

Nerves, Nerves, Nerves

Well I am nervous.

Things I am nervous about:

1. Giving myself injections and doing it wrong
2. Side effects that are going to make me gain lots of weight
3. Fear of infection from the retrieval
4. That it will not work and we will have to do it again

I know that many parts of all my nerves are normal and part of the whole process. I have spoken to people who have done it before and they say that all of these feelings are not out of the ordinary.

Things I know:

-I have a great amount of support of people who will help me with anything I need during this time
-I have amazing doctors and nurses who answer all of my questions even when I feel as though they are not rational questions
-I have survived worse than this and can do it, nerves and all.

It's astonishing to me that people do all of this while working full-time, I am on summer vacation and can barely handle the amount of stuff that is involved with the whole process.

I love everyone who tells me stories of how IVF has worked for someone they know because they are trying to help me feel better and less scared of the process. Here's the thing about that though: those stories just make me sad because we are not one of them...yet.

I think about how long we have been doing this - since November of 2009 and all of the things that have changed during the time we have been trying. It's amazing to me that people who got pregnant when we tried are about to celebrate their child's 1st birthday, I am thrilled for them and so happy to celebrate with them. What I don't want to tell them is how it can make me a little sad, not in any way to take away from their joy and the joy I have for them and their child. But in a way because if we had been one of those couples fortunate enough to pregnant right away, how it would be our child's birthday that we would be celebrating.

I know that is selfish for me to think that, but I can't help it. I adore my friends and their wonderful children, I enjoy being parts of their lives. But at the same time, it's impossible for me to think about why this has happened to us and how we weren't one of those couples and the reasons why. I may never know those answers and could easily drive myself crazy trying to figure them out.

Can't wait for the nerves to go away and for us to be started in this process.

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