After taking the new medicines for 3 days now and feeling the effects of the stimulation drugs, I am convinced that this is a test of faith. Faith in the process, faith in my doctors, faith in myself to handle all of this, faith in my relationship with Aaron to survive all of this, and faith in general.
The first 2 go hand-in-hand - faith in the process and my doctors. I have to trust my doctors know what they are doing by recommending these medicines in this order on these days of the stimulation. I have to trust in the fact that they have had success in the past with people who have a similar medical history as I do and are only going to do as much as they need to in order to get us where we need to be. I have to tell myself that several times a day.
Faith in my relationship with Aaron is simple. I know there is very little doubt that we can survive this, we have gone through other challenges and come out the other side stronger than ever. We just need to remind ourselves over and over that we have done other things and we love each other. This is bringing us closer to our dream that we have shared since the beginning of our relationship.
My faith in general has been shaken to the core with the infertility aspect of my life. I have never considered myself necessarily religious, but I have become much more spiritual throughout it. I have to remind myself that things happen for a reason and there is a bigger plan at work that is beyond my control. Yes, it would be nice for things to happen when I believe they should, however that is not in fact the case.
Finally, the most difficult one is faith in myself. There are moments in the day nearly everyday that test my ability to think I can handle these medications. It is tough when your body has a mind of its own without giving you a heads-up to the length of time they are going to stay and how intense they are going to be. I worry that I will not be strong enough and will allow the temporary pain to overrun my thoughts and consume me. I worry that my body won't respond well to the medicines and I will suffer from even more serious effects. And, more importantly, I worry that my body will fail me when we get to the retrieval and I will not have any eggs that will survive to even try to be our babies. It's a scary way to feel and I have to focus on how I have been through terrible and painful (physically and emotionally) in my life and have been able to come out the other side stronger than ever. I have to remind myself daily how I have done that and be strong.