Thursday, March 17, 2011

Pretty sure we go onto 18 months now

Well, I took 2 tests this morning: 1 was clearly only 1 line, the other was digital and said "not pregnant" clear as bell. My heart literally sank into my toes. I sat down in the shower and cried for probably 10 straight minutes. This was our best option up to this point and still we get nothing.

I know it's a new procedure, it's a new medicine, blah blah blah...that doesn't change how much it hurts right now. Month after month, we put everything out there, do everything we can and for some reason, nothing works for us. I have to continue to pick myself up (as in the morning, off the floor) and get motivated for a new month and every month that goes by becomes more and more of struggle.

Is this some cruel test from God? How long can you endure the struggle without coming completely unglued? Let's see how much strength you actually have deep down inside by testing every part of your life.

YES - I know I should be grateful for a great marriage, wonderful and support friends/family. YES - I know I should be grateful that I have a job that I love. YES - I should be grateful that I have a home that belongs to us and we have some extra money in the bank. I am abundantly aware of all of these things, but right now...I just want to curl into a ball on the floor and cry.

I have to give myself time to be upset or I will never deal with it - I have been known to just push it down inside deep and that's not healthy. I have been working really hard on myself through all of this to not do this anymore, that's part of the reason I started this blog in the first place. It gives me an opportunity to put out my feelings and just deal with them - somehow it's become one of my saving graces as we go further and further in this process.

We want to be parents...why do kids who have sex one time have a better chance of getting pregnant than me???? We are good people, we have a loving and adoring marriage, we will love a child and that child will not be taken for granted at all and loved immensely. Please God, allow us this in our lives.

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