Sunday, April 10, 2011

Still another week to go and my brain has been on overdrive

One more week to go until we find out what's going on again. Hurry up, wait...hurry up, wait. It's never-ending.

There is nothing new to report really. I have crazy seasonal allergies that wrecking my head and pretty terrible acid reflux (which I am prone to anyway) since Wednesday. After many back and forth days with the doctors about what to take, I am now on something that it helping. I didn't want to go on something I would have to go off of as soon as we know we are pregnant - that just seemed foolish to me. So now I am on something I can continue to take when we know we are successful.

I have been really fortunate that I have the ability to talk to people about what we am going through in a very open manner. I have received many comments of support or emails telling me that I was writing their thoughts they never said out loud. That is a form of comfort to me because from time to time I feel lonely in the process. I know I have support: friends, family, co-workers, but I also have the support of an online community I belong to for women who are trying to conceive. They let me be crazy and vent over and over again even when it's simply repeating the same thing time after time.

This makes all the difference in the world, but there are still those moments - usually late at night, when the powerful fear takes over. This fear is so strong and so loud that it just takes over my whole mind and I can barely even think of anything else. It's all consuming and makes my head hurt with the fear. In these moments I have to find a bit of calm and more often than not, it feels impossible and overwhelming. My thoughts run around in terrible circles thinking of all the bad things that could be the cause of the undiagnosed disease, a vitamin imbalance, something to that would be the reason behind all of this. Yes, I am aware that after all this time and all the testing they have done, if something was off somewhere it would have been found by logical part of my brain knows this. However, the illogical side is the one who keeps me up at night trying to find a reason because at least then we have something to blame instead of playing a guessing game of "is this going to work?"

I do believe that when we are successful, this illogical fear will become more quiet and allow me some peace. Once we know what will work, my brain will be better and I will hopefully be able to sleep.

No comments:

Post a Comment