When I started writing this, I wasn't sure I was going to share it with anyone aside from some close family members. I wasn't sure I wanted everyone to have a window into my emotions and struggles - it is difficult to open yourself up to the outside like this and particularly for me. I am a private person about many things, those things closest to my heart usually stay there except for the few people whom I choose to let in. I have been told that repeatedly by former friends and relationships - I tend to close people out when I am protecting something, build a wall, shut the door, etc. I think it goes back to the sense of losing myself again. I have been scarred (physically and emotionally) by allowing people into that center of me in my past and it has greatly affected me.
When you have been violated this way by people you "thought" were ones to trust, it changes you. I changed all those years ago when I was still a young woman by those experiences and honestly, the woman I am now is a direct reflection of that pain. It's not a bad thing 100% or a good thing 100% - I would say on a good day my past is 49% bad influence 51% good influence. Depending on the hormone level that definitely switches up and down.
So why would I choose to share my inner thoughts and feelings on one of the most sensitive and emotional things you can go through? I have been asked this question by a few of my friends and family over the last year - honestly, I don't have a good answer. I have asked myself this a 1000 times maybe because it is so hard I wanted to overcome something that has plagued me for a better part of 10 years (my painful experiences happened when I was 19 and are more than I can share here, even now.) I "think" I wanted to try to work past this and that's when I went on blogger and started this up.
It started out as a place for me to get out what I couldn't put into verbal words ("if I don't say out loud, it's not true" kind of thing - maybe?) but as time went on, I discovered something pretty remarkable. I looked forward to sitting down and getting out how I was feeling because I knew I had a safe place to put the thoughts/anger/sadness and could tell people about it or not. At least it was not sitting on my heart and mind weighing me down as though I were sinking into the deepest part of the ocean. Cliche I know, but hey what do you expect?
Then something else amazing happened - people took an interest in what I had to say. I was floored. I was always so afraid of letting people in and here they were commenting or emailing me telling how amazing my blog was to them. WHAT??? I couldn't believe it and even now, it's so strange to me that people want to read what I write.
I never could have imagined what this blog would do for me. It has now been featured on the RESOLVE (National Fertility Awareness organization) site and has people reading it and commenting all the time. I have been asked by several people if I ever considered turning into a book because they enjoyed it so much (seriously??? Me?? I am just a teacher who is struggling, I am not an author, I just write what I feel when I feel it.) I have people write me and tell me how this has inspired them to be more open about their struggles. All of this because I took a chance and made my struggle public. I am truly humbled and at a loss for words (despite the long post to the contrary).
There need to be new words to express gratitude and appreciation for all the support we receive everyday of this journey. The English language needs a new intensity for these two words - the thesaurus doesn't have a strong enough word to really express these emotions aside from.
Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on.
Thank you for taking an interest in me.
Thank you for sharing in this long and winding journey.
Thank you for caring.
AND, most importantly...
Thank you for allowing me to fight back by giving me strength.